Soul Kadee

A few months ago, my six-year old daughter, Sara, and I were attending her friend’s birthday party.

The party was in full swing when Sara came to me almost in tears, telling me that one of her friends had called her something nasty.

Trying to put it in perspective I asked her, “If he calls you a bowl of spaghetti, does it mean you are one?” Sara laughed and went back to her party games.

Sometimes I wish adults were as evolved as children are…

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“You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
€œ Wayne Gretzky, hockey player

All of us have certain beliefs, usually ones that were created in our childhood, by family, society and cultural conditioning. For example, the belief (so prevalent in Indian society) that the desire for wealth is bad.

These beliefs create mental limits that prevent us from reaching our full potential as human beings. Removing our limiting beliefs can be one of the best things you can do for yourself. It’s not an easy task, but its definitely worth the effort.

Here are some good books and audios that have helped me realise and work on my own limiting beliefs regarding wealth, love and relationships.

Robin Sharma’s books and audios, especially Discover Your Destiny with the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari : A Blueprint for Living Your Best Life and his Life Mastery System Audio CD.

His Cure For Fear audio was one of the most eye-opening programs for me. Always having been called a courageous person by those who know and love me, I thought I was relatively free of fear. Well, after listening to the audio I realised just how many fears I still have to conquer. More on that in another post.

In the meantime, sample Robin’s free success podcasts (I love listening to them on my MP3 player when I’m commuting) and see how having a world-class life coach can truly impact your mind.

If you don’t have a real, live, in-the-flesh coach to turn to, you can always read the books or listen to the audios and gain an insight into the minds of the masters.

I’ve also been reading The Attractor Factor by Joe Vitale. I was not all that impressed with his 5-step system for attracting the things you want.

No offence, Joe, but I found Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success a much better guide for creating a prosperity mindset. I guess I relate to Indian philosophy better, and at a much deeper level.

But what was amazingly useful about The Attractor Factor book were the range of exercises that Joe outlines to clear your negative and limiting beliefs (or mental blocks, as some people prefer) so you can replace them with positive ones.

Some of them are based on Indian traditions, like performing yagnas for certain purposes, but most are easy and can be done anywhere you choose. For these techniques alone, the book was worth it.

I just purchased Joe’s new book, Life’s Missing Instruction Manual, and will write a review of it when I get it. I also found Paulo Coelho’s classic, The Alchemist: A Fable About Following Your Dream, enjoyable reading.

Ultimately all the self-help gurus say the same thing: Everything you need to create your best life is already inside you, but is being stifled by negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. If you want to achieve your full potential, you need to first empty your mind of these limiting beliefs, and create space for positive ones.

I know someone is going to recommend Tony Robbins to me, and actually he’s next on my reading list.

Ciao, for now.

Update: It’s a fact that most people have limiting beliefs from childhood that they carry with them to adulthood. And changing your beliefs is like changing your religion. It requires a process of emotional and spiritual growth.

Here are some excellent resources I found online on this topic.

Travelling Free: How to Recover From the Past By Changing Your Beliefs
10 Most Common Self-Defeating Beliefs
The Power Of Beliefs
Removing The Obstacles In Your Way
Get Rid of Limiting Beliefs That Keep You From Being Happy

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson, 1992, “A Return To Love”

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As I sat with my office colleagues, in a darkened theatre hall in Vashi, and watched Rang De Basanti for the second time, I enjoyed it every bit as much as the first.

No surprise that it’s running at full house for so long. Rehman’s rousing musical score, the flawless editing and script, all told a story that today’s Indian deeply connects with.

For our youth, jaded by the harsh realities of life in India, Rang De Basanti is like a blast of fresh air. It shows us, albeit in a far-fetched manner, that we can make our own reality¦ create our own freedom.

For today the demons we have to fight are no longer flesh-and-blood white guys, Englishmen who colonised India for hundreds of years¦ but the demons in our own mind.

And freedom to the youth of today means freedom from prejudice, bigotry, religious hatred, caste, exploitation lies, bribery, greed, insecurity and other corruptions of our own mind.

It’s a freedom worth fighting for, but until we look inside ourselves and cleanse our mind of these evils, freedom will always be an illusion.

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Ever had someone ask you for something that you knew you could not afford to give, but were unable to say no? And did it not leave you feeling used, overwhelmed, resentful, taken for granted?

It’s happened to me more often than I care to remember, and it happens to all of us, in business and in relationships.

It’s especially difficult to deny the one you love, even when your head is screaming that it’s not the right thing for you. So we end up blaming the other person for asking, for being demanding, for expecting too much.

Even if they did all that, even if they did ask for more than their due, you need to understand one fact. . .

No one can make you feel used unless you give them the permission to do so. Becoming aware of your role in the process can help you leave the feelings of resentment behind.

As women, we are especially vulnerable to being taken for granted, because we’re conditioned to be the nurturers and givers in a relationship, and often end up giving more than we have the capacity to.

Saying no takes courage, especially when you’re vulnerable. But learning to set your limits can save you a whole lot of grief when the situation demands it.

Defining your boundaries €œ deciding what is and is not acceptable to you, and adhering to that - is one of the most important life skills you can learn. Individuals who’ve been abused often lack this skill. But, as with all life skills, it’s something that can be acquired.

You’ll find some good advice on setting boundaries at the links below.

When and How to Say No!

A very good article on Boundaries

What Are Boundaries and Why are They Important?

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After I wrote the last post where I counted my blessings and felt grateful for everything I had, I saw Robin Sharma’s latest post and coincidentally it was about the virtues of gratitude. What really stuck in my mind were his ideas here:

What you think about and focus on grows.
What you appreciate begins to appreciate.
Appreciate your good health, you’ll value it more.
Appreciate your family, same deal.
Appreciate your gifts, your friends, your work and your life and your perception begins to shift.
You see the blessings of your life (versus the broken parts).
The attitude of gratitude.
Counting your blessings.
Not taking things for granted.
Just think about it.
Just get grateful.
Then fasten your seatbelt and watch what comes.

Beautiful! Love it!

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Yesterday, as I sat by myself, sipping a glass of Sula’s best red wine and watching Titanic for the umpteenth time, I totally connected to its message of loss and freedom.

There’s a scene where the hero, Jack, is having dinner with his upper class hosts, regaling them with his adventures¦ and when asked about whether he finds his rootless existence appealing, he says that he has all he needs right here and now, and aims to makes each day count¦

It was something I instantly related to, because I’ve felt that way for a long time¦

In an age when most people go through life never finding true love, I’ve already experienced the greatest love of my life… and lost it.

All the people I’ve known and loved, each person who touched my life in some way, has enhanced my experience of living and taught me lessons I’m grateful for.

I have a daughter who’s the center of my world, a warm home, a supportive family and a business that allows me to express my creativity.

I have my space, the pleasure of my own company, the freedom to do the things I love, and to be with people I love.

I live each day as if it were my last and try to make it count in my own way…

I’ve been on a quest to simplify my life and appreciate all that life has given me… but every so often, taking an inventory of everything I have (sometimes called counting your blessings) reminds me of how truly blessed I am…

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Thanks to one of our Ryze network members, Jhumur, who appeared on Times Now TV (way to go, girl!), I realised that Valentine’s Day is also International QuirkyAlone Day (IQD). Fancy that!

According to the site, IQD is a celebration of romance, freedom and individuality. It celebrates true romance (as opposed to the fake versions presented to us in reality dating shows), independence, creativity, friendship, and all kinds of love — including love for yourself.

Quirkyalones are not anti-love and certainly not anti-sex €merely ‘anti-dull relationships’. They would rather spend time hanging out with friends, people with whom they have a real rapport, than endure a bad date. Sounds a lot like me, so I’m all for being a QuirkyAlone…

Jhumur was accompanied on the show by banker-turned-playwright, Anish Trivedi, who used to moonlight as an RJ. His first play, Still Single, looks at relationships in urban India, and portrays the modern Indian woman without the generalizations.

It addresses the compromises that men and women make in choosing and keeping their partners. That’s one play I certainly plan to watch soon. Anyone out there want to join me, let me know…

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I’ve been going through a lot of personal transformation in the last few months, and I just wrote a new article to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned over the last few years.

Empower Yourself: Take Responsibility For Your Life

Have you ever gone through a difficult time in your life? A period when you felt helpless and powerless to deal with your circumstances and destiny? We all have.

Many of us have experienced the tragedy of abusive childhoods, broken relationships or the loss of a loved one. The easiest thing to do in times like these is to blame other people or circumstances for your life, your state of mind, your finances and career.

It’s so easy to blame an abusive parent for the way you are today, or a broken relationship for destroying your ability to love again. But blame is a very disempowering emotion.

It places on others the responsibility for your life, your emotions, your self. It disempowers you because you cannot change people or circumstances. The only thing you can change is yourself and the way you react to them.

Some people go through their lives blaming others, living in hopelessness and despair. But, with the exception of child abuse or losing someone you love, no one can do anything to you that you do not give them the permission to do.

By choosing to let things happen they way they do, you are as much to blame for the consequences. It takes a lot of courage to accept that you’re the way you are because of the choices you made. But it can be very empowering indeed.

The simple act of taking responsibility for your self and your life is the first step towards picking up the pieces and moving on. When you shift the onus of change to yourself, the constraints of the past are lifted and you can be anything you choose to be.

True empowerment is not about taking control, passing laws, fighting injustice or changing the world. Empowerment starts from within. It comes from your willingness to be responsible for what is happening to you, your life and your world.

At some point in our lives we all face adversity. Some of us blame others, while others own responsibility and get on with their lives.

The way we deal with our pain and let it transform us makes the difference between winning and losing the battle. When you realise that and act on it, you are truly the master of your own destiny.

Want to reprint this article? Get the code here.

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Looks like the media, which once promoted skinny girls as the epitome of beauty, is finally getting “real.”

According to this article, magazines are beginning to feature more young women with thick thighs and flabby abs to “reflect changing body types and to help self-conscious teens see that not everyone is perfect”. Seventeen, Teen People, CosmoGirl! and Teen Vogue have bathing suit sections with less-than-perfect figures and tips on maximizing assets and minimizing defects.

Unfortunately, Dove, which recently started an ad campaign featuring women from size 6 to 14, doesn’t quite seem to get it because the ads are designed to sell products from Dove’s firming collection € lotions and creams meant to reduce the appearance of cellulite, with the message, “Let’s face it, firming the thighs of a size 2 supermodel is no challenge.”

The message is to be comfortable with the cellulite, morons!

Then again, as Mary Pipher, author of a book about teen girls and body image states:

Anything that shows realistic women is a step in the right direction to help girls gain self-esteem. Presenting a broader range of beauty, even if it’s under the guise of selling cosmetics, gives girls more permission to think they too are attractive. The ideal message is you’re great just the way you are and you don’t have to spend any money, but of course they need to sell magazines.

Sharmila, a member of my single women’s network, posted this poem she found on the net.

Real Women Have Curves

© By Alexx A. McCoy

Real women have curves, wrinkles, and flaws.
Each one earned with experience, perseverance and determination.
There’s no computer to airbrush your mistakes.
Let them make you who you are.

Love every mark, every scar,
every extra curve you wished to go away,
Accept what you can’t learn to love,
Then let go of what you can’t accept.

Treasure them for their memories
Like a worn love letter or ratty old quilt from generations of old.
Each wrinkle comes with the wisdom only years of life can give.
And life is not to be hidden or covered up.

For life is how a girl grows into a woman
And real women have curves

I love my curves. Do you?

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He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys is the single woman’s guide to surviving the dating game.

If you didn’t see it coming - the breakup, I mean - and are living with the lies men tell to avoid looking like the villain of the piece, then this book is for you.

I wish I’d read it earlier, but then I’m just getting back into dating after 18 years of being in a committed relationship, so I guess its never too late to learn.

He’s Just Not That Into You is co-authored by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, the script-writers of Sex and The City, and includes Greg’s caustic and funny take on men who lie to the women they are dating. Take it from a guy who knows what he’s talking about!

If the man you’re dating is not communicating, not calling you up when he can, “emotionally unavailable”, “busy”, not physically attracted to you, treats you like a buddy, is married or disappears on you, then read the writing on the wall, girls - He’s Just Not That Into You!!

As the book review says:

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that — despite good intentions — you’re wasting your time.

Men are not complicated, although they’d like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages. The truth may be, He’s Just Not That Into You.

He’s Just Not That Into You — based on a popular episode of Sex and the City — educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn’t like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship. This book knows you’re a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better.

Its funny and tragic how smart women like us can make excuses for a man’s inauthenticities and make fools of ourselves over guys who don’t give a damn about us or our feelings.

The reasons we do it is because we sometimes feel we don’t deserve better, or are just afraid that there aren’t all that many options out there. But, as Greg notes, that’s no reason to stay with a man whose obviously wrong for you and makes you miserable.

Its probably going to take some work on yourself to face up to that, but if you don’t do it, who will? Personally, I’d rather be on my own than in a miserable relationship.

And I think the next book on my reading list is gonna be Be Honest–You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve.

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