Compassion And The Victim Mindset
May 2nd, 2006, 11:10 am by Priya Florence Shah
Filed under My Life, Self Help, Wellness, Happiness, Personal Growth, Experiences, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Attitude, Thoughts
In a previous post I talked about why I avoid negative people. I got a few responses to that post by email.
One lady thanked me for giving her the courage to get out of a situation with a person who was draining her energy, while another criticised my seeming lack of compassion.
Now, advising you to cut negative people out off your life might seem a bit harsh to some, but I believe its sometimes the only way.
You see, compassion is an excellent quality to have. I possess it in abundance. But I know from experience, that it can be a double-edged sword. It can either work for you or against you.
The closest analogy I can think of is trying to save someone from drowning in a strong river.
If you’re a strong swimmer, you could probably save them and survive. If you’re not a strong swimmer, however, you’d get swept away by the current and probably drown yourself.
My friend and healer, Leo Velloz, taught me that true compassion is the ability to empathise with people, not sympathise with them. If you’ve learned to make that distinction and can dissociate yourself from that person’s problems, good for you.
But, when a person is close to us, its easy to get caught up in their misery and allow them to drain you of your positive feelings. So if you’re not strong enough to fight the current of negativity, don’t even try.
If it’s someone in your life you can’t avoid completely (like a family member), minimise contact with that person or steer the conversation away from that person’s problems whenever you meet.
If you believe you’re strong enough to help that person, first find out if they truly want to be helped. Many victims will say they want to change, when deep down they really don’t want to.
Why? Well, as I mentioned in my article, there’s a payoff for staying the way they are.
For example, a victim may get sympathy and attention for being ill or depressed, and be unwilling to give up these “benefits”. For some, the payoff to being negative is getting to “be right” while for others it means avoiding the responsibility to make things better.
I mean, imagine if they suddenly had to be positive, stop being a victim and take responsibility for their lives. What a disaster THAT would be! They’d have to actually work to dig themselves out of the hole they’re in.
Ok, enough sarcasm. 
But we’ve all known people like this, or even been victims at one point in our lives. I was guilty of this myself. Until I realised that I had a choice. And knowing that transformed my life completely.
When I lost my husband last year, no one would have blamed me if I had chosen to be depressed. He was the love of my life. I couldn’t imagine an existence without him. I had every reason to remain a victim, but I chose not to be one.
It was not bravery or courage. It was my choice. And one of the reasons I choose to remain happy was knowing that’s how he’d want me to be.
There are no helpless victims above 21 years of age. If you’re an adult who can take your own decisions, you CAN transform your life today.
No matter how bad your life looks, if you choose to keep blaming your fate or destiny or past, no matter how awful it was, you’re playing the victim.
And if you have a “victim” in your life, not tolerating their self-pity may be the kindest thing you can do for them.
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Estelle said,
May 23rd, 2006, 9:50 am
Everything you write about the empathising ans sympathising is so true. I have been getting entangled into my willing to help others and losing myself in it.
My mother is sight impaired ans going blind, she doesn’t accept the situation and I have been trying to help for years. Consciously I moved far away from my family at a young age to avoid all the troubles, maniaco depressive sister and parents arguing, and satyed abroad but I am sad and feeling guilty. Guilt is not easy to deal with when you are far away from the people you love and they tell you that they need you. Even if when you are there they still dwelve into self pity.
Soul Kadee: An Appetite for Life » Natural Born Empath: Deanna Troi In The Flesh said,
July 5th, 2006, 9:12 am
[…] But empathy also gives me the ability to connect to people, the compassion to see things from their point of view, and ability to build rapport almost instantly, traits that have served me well in my personal and professional life. […]
Julie said,
July 5th, 2009, 11:32 am
I disagree with this article and the one before it.
Ever had a bad day? Week? Month? Try a hard life on for size!
For someone who claims to have “compassion in abundance”, you seem to be lacking in the lesson it has to teach. Most importantly, a person who is close to you, who is suffering, whether of their own accord or by life’s design, needs your time, your ear, your presence! How lame is it that you would pull yourself away from someone right when they need you most?!
Speaking of “judging others”…. How crude and abusive is labelling people as “parasites”!
I’d challenge you to take a hard long look in the mirror! You, by no means, are perfect or even totally positive thinking!
Do I agree that having a positive attitude is vital? Yes, but, not so that you can be liked or avoid being ditched by your friends when you need them most. Who cares if stuck up people like you?! Genuine people, with kind,compassionate hearts will!
Just an aside… if your friend got raped and couldn’t get past her feelings of fear negativity and self-loathing, would you dump her? According to your articles, you would because, you’d be saving yourself!
In your drowning scenario, the person who would risk it all to save the person drowning despite the risk to their own life is called, aptly enough, a HERO! Case in point, Sept. 11, 2001 - New York City!
The fact that you are willing to basically shut out another human being who needs you is the most selfish thing I’ve heard in a long time. Who will you be hanging out with then? Basically, your ideal friends will be a bunch of people like you who won’t hang around when you need them most, when life gets really rough!
Just as an aside, Negativity/Mood Swings (Yes, Grumpiness)/Self-Loathing are all normal signs to see when a person is going through Depression and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Any counselor can tell you that what these people need most are support and encouragement that life will get better. Don’t forget a whole lot of compassion and patience!
I challenge you to test your ideals and beliefs in the name of personal growth!