Soul Kadee

I’ve always loved the monsoon in Mumbai. Thunderstorms, lightining and thunder, blackouts and candlelight, my little girl splashing in the puddles.

The monsoon is a time of renewal, of fresh hope. When new life bursts forth in every little nook and cranny of the city, when even the filth and muck can’t detract from the smell of rain hitting dry earth and the trees look fresh and green.

I took this picture of Mumbai’s skyline when the pre-monsoon showers hit us in early June and thought I’d share it with you here.

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Ever since the days when Cinderella, Snow White and Rapunzel waited for their handsome prince to rescue them, we’ve been taught to believe that a woman is nothing without a man. Thank heaven for strong female role models like Mulan and Pocahontas !

You’d think the modern woman would be immune to the belief that landing a man and marrying him was her sole purpose in life.

Sadly, most young women still feel that way (watch Ally McBeal if you doubt that), especially in Indian society, which promotes the idea that it’s our karmic duty (and this applies to men as much as women) to tie the knot and procreate.

Allan Pease wrote that that women derive their self-worth from their relationships, while men derive theirs from their achievements. Society and conditioning tells us that not having a life or goals apart from her family is acceptable for a woman.

Despite being extremely well-educated and a focused on a career, I bought into this myth when my daughter was born and needed a lot of my attention. But while I love being a mother and highly recommend it (if you’re so inclined), I do not recommend that you make motherhood the sole purpose of your existence.

Besides being damaging to your own self-esteem, it can seriously damage your relationship with your children if you live your life through them and depend on their achievements to boost your self-image. For your children’s sake, get a life of your own!

Through personal experience and hardship, I learned that happiness and self-worth does not come from your relationships. When you make your relationship the purpose of your existence, you’re heading for a big disappointment, because fulfilment and self-worth do not come from outside ourselves.

As Dr. Laura Schessinger says in her book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, women can learn a lot from men when it comes to building one’s self-worth. She recommends having a sense of purpose and working towards a goal as a way to boost self-esteem.

I know from personal experience that this works, and strongly believe that ALL women must take the trouble to get an education and put their knowledge or skills to good use either in the workplace or community. Your achievements will boost your self-esteem and vice versa.

It’s important to love yourself unconditionally, and nurture your body, mind and soul. Cultivate hobbies, start an exercise program, learn a new language, travel and see the world.

To sit at home, play the good wife, and have no other goal but to make your man happy - and expect him to make you happy in return - is not only unfair to the man, but also keeps you from playing your best game.

You owe it to yourself to reach your highest potential. Realise that it’s up to YOU to love yourself and be happy, so that you can bring more of yourself to your relationship.

And if you’re a single woman looking for a mate, you should know that being a self-assured, confident woman who loves herself, will increase your chances of finding a suitable mate. After all, men like women who like themselves (at least the good ones do).

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I’ve been reading three excellent books (Ok, I admit it. I’m a serial info-junkie!):

• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
• Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura Schessinger
• A Woman’s Self-Esteem: Struggles and Triumphs in the Search for Identity by Nathaniel Branden

The common thread that runs through all of them is that to heal ourselves and have healthy relationships, the most important quality we must cultivate in ourselves is Self-Love/Self-Worth/Self-Esteem.

Like most women, I learned the hard way that if you don’t love and respect yourself, there’s no way you can expect someone else to love and respect you.

Louise Hay writes how we make ourselves ill by having thoughts of self-hatred.

I know this is true, and recommend her book to everyone, man or woman, who needs to learn how to heal the wounds of the past (and we all have these wounds, whether we’re willing to admit it or not).

The other books are woman-centric. Nathaniel Branden’s extensive writings on building self-esteem are applicable to both sexes and highly recommended.

But I’m enjoying Dr. Laura Schessinger’s book the most, because she really tells it like it is. If you’re unhappy and your life seems a mess, you have no one but yourself to blame, she says.

So true! Women are often their own worst enemies. We don’t need men to hurt and abuse us. We’re pretty good at doing that to ourselves.

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives uses real-world examples from Schlessinger’s radio show and private practice to drive the message home. And the message is that our reticence to be bold and brave often makes us act like stupid, submissive victims. Once we muster the courage to take responsibility for our own problems and to tolerate the discomforts of risk, the possibilities for personal growth and joy are limitless.

She also notes that there are no quick fixes to boosting your self-esteem. That women can learn a lot from men when it comes to building one’s self-worth and recommends having a sense of purpose and working towards a goal as the best way to boost self-esteem. But there are more aspects to self-esteem - integrity, for instance - as Branden notes in his book.

Her advice brought back memories of all the life lessons I’ve learned in the University of Hard Knocks, some of which I’ll outline in a series of posts titled: The Stupid Mistakes Women Make In Relationships.

So here’s Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre

Downloadable resources:

The Complete Self Esteem Workbook

Real Self-Esteem Now Audio Program

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“If you devote your life to seeking revenge, first dig two graves.”
- Confucius

It’s never easy to forgive someone who has hurt or wronged you. But unwillingness to let go of the past and forgive (ourselves and others) can actually create or worsen illness in your body.

Holding on to anger, resentment, hurt, and bitterness is like trying to kill someone else by consuming poison yourself.

As Dale Carnegie put it, “When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health and our happiness.” Your anger will hurt no one but yourself.

Recent research has shown that letting go of anger at those who wronged you is a smart route to good health. According to the research, an unforgiving nature is not only harmful to our spiritual well-being but our physical health as well.

Forgiveness works in at least two ways. One is by reducing the physiologic stress of the state of unforgiveness, a potent mixture of bitterness, anger, hostility, hatred, resentment and fear (of being hurt or humiliated again).

The other benefit of forgiveness relates to research showing that people with strong social networks € of friends, neighbors and family € tend to be healthier than loners.

James Baldwin noted that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. Avoiding pain and sorrow often becomes a reason to not forgive.

But forgiveness does not mean denying that the hurt did not happened. It doesn’t mean you have to excuse the other person, reconcile with them, or condone their behavior.

True forgiveness means being honest about what you feel, experiencing the pain fully, and then letting go of the suffering, the blame and hurt.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

The most courageous (or selfish, depending on how you choose to look at it) thing you can do for yourself is to forgive those who have hurt or abused you in any way - your parents, lovers, spouse, friends, and most importantly, yourself.

Forgiveness is necessary to love again with an open heart. Letting go of the past is the path to healing your life. And it’s truly the sweetest revenge you can have on those who hurt or wronged you.

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I just received a link to this beautiful movie the “Rules For Being Human,” in my mailbox and just had to share it with you.

It was created by “Mr. Positive” who publishes the “Positive News Weekly” and writes the Positive News Blog.

This is what he writes about himself on his blog.

I am positively an optimist and I believe without a shadow of doubt that we are all far more powerful than we give ourselves credit for… I learned through the “School of Hardknocks” that our “Thoughts Create Our World” and that you can use this God given gift to literally create a life out of your dreams.

My life changed dramatically when my eyes were opened (why schools don’t teach us this stuff, especially now in the 21st century is mind numbing?) but when you learn that you alone have control over your thoughts and you can choose what any situation means to you. You have discovered the power to create the life you’ve always dreamed of…my dream has always been to help people.

My mission is to show others the Positive side of life. My passion is showing all the positive, happy, good things we have to enjoy and share in our world. Positive News Network is dedicated to showing the best that is in all of us and in the larger world around us.

What a treasure to find people like these in a negative world.

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Do you find yourself getting stressed out often as a result of trying to be perfect? I should know. I used to be a perfectionist, and I beat myself up constantly in an effort to reach some unattainable goal of perfection.

Over the years, I learned that it was OK to make mistakes, to be human. So, to a large extent, I managed to avoid the negative consequences of perfectionism, which include

• Low self-esteem
• Guilt
• Pessimism
• Depression
• Rigidity
• Obsessiveness
• Compulsive behavior
• Lack of motivation
• Immobilization
• Lack of belief in self

Even as parents, we need to realise that it’s OK to make mistakes with our kids. In fact, it takes a great deal of pressure off them and allows them to feel greater acceptance when they realise that we’re all still learning and that even their seemingly-perfect parents know it’s alright to err. More on that in another post.

Yesterday, I was listening to a great little audio by Tony Robbins on the Power of Positive Thinking, where he stated that it’s ok not to be positive 100% of the time.

The few times that we do employ critical (he chose not to call it negative) thinking, it should be for the purpose of finding out what’s not working in our lives, and deciding what we want to do about it.

One of the statements that really stuck with me was when he recommended that we “Decide not to be perfect.” Just that one decision can take so much pressure off you and open the door to greater self-love and self-acceptance.

If you still believe that perfectionism is the key to achieving your goals, the article here has tips on doing that in a healthier way.

They include:

• Setting high standards that are just beyond reach
• Enjoying the process as well as outcome
• Learning how to bounce back from failure and disappointment quickly and with energy
• Keeping your normal anxiety and fear of failure and disapproval within bounds €œ use them to create energy instead
• See mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning
• React positively to helpful criticism

Decide NOT to be perfect. So when you do make a mistake, you can pick up the pieces, forgive yourself and move on with your life.

Resources:

Overcoming Perfectionism

Perfectionism: A Double-Edged Sword

Unconditional Self Acceptance

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My little girl, Sara, participated in a program called “Reach for the Stars” by Rael Padamsee’s Academy For Creative Expression (ACE). She was the Frog Prince in the play of the same name. Her doting mommy was there, of course, every step of the way.

One of the songs the kiddies danced to was a favourite of mine called Bring It All Back by S Club 7. I love its upbeat music and lyrics that go like this:

Don’t stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you

Hold on to what you try to be
Your individuality
When the world is on your shoulders
Just smile and let it go
If people try to put you down
Just walk on by don’t turn around
You only have to answer to yourself

Don’t you know it’s true what they say
That life, it ain’t easy
But your time’s coming around
So don’t you stop tryin’

Don’t stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you

Dream of falling in love
Anything you’ve been thinking of
When the world seems to get too tough
Bring it all back to you

Like I said, I don’t believe in coincidences, and having been through a bit of a personal crisis (entirely of my own creation) recently, I took the song as a message from the Universe, and it cheered me up no end.

It’s just the sort of message I’d love my daughter to hear from me

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A couple of days ago, I had a misunderstanding with a close friend. When I took some time out to reflect on why I reacted the way I did, I realised that I was once again letting my insecurities and fears take over.

Dissolving fear, ego and insecurity is a work in progress. Like the dust that must be cleaned off the furniture every day, a mind that is not harnessed will go astray.

Controlling our thoughts and reactions does get easier with self-awareness and practice. But when the inevitable breakdown occurs (as it will), it’s good to remind yourself that you’re not perfect and forgive yourself.

One of my favourite authors, Barbara Rose, calls relationships a “Catalyst for Answers, Growth and Personal Transformation.” In her article on Relationship Difficulties, she explains how she found a way to see the situation from the higher perspective, as opposed to the personality perspective, and transform each and every challenge into profound personal growth and transformation.

Our interactions with others teach us much more about ourselves than we could ever learn on our own. But only if we choose to see the lessons they are trying to teach us. Our relationships can truly be a classroom for personal growth if we let them.

As for me, I’m going to take a time-out and do some soul-searching. To understand and acknowledge the fear or insecurity that triggered an inappropriate reaction, so I can rise above it and act from love the next time.

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