Soul Kadee

Ever since the days when Cinderella, Snow White and Rapunzel waited for their handsome prince to rescue them, we’ve been taught to believe that a woman is nothing without a man. Thank heaven for strong female role models like Mulan and Pocahontas !

You’d think the modern woman would be immune to the belief that landing a man and marrying him was her sole purpose in life.

Sadly, most young women still feel that way (watch Ally McBeal if you doubt that), especially in Indian society, which promotes the idea that it’s our karmic duty (and this applies to men as much as women) to tie the knot and procreate.

Allan Pease wrote that that women derive their self-worth from their relationships, while men derive theirs from their achievements. Society and conditioning tells us that not having a life or goals apart from her family is acceptable for a woman.

Despite being extremely well-educated and a focused on a career, I bought into this myth when my daughter was born and needed a lot of my attention. But while I love being a mother and highly recommend it (if you’re so inclined), I do not recommend that you make motherhood the sole purpose of your existence.

Besides being damaging to your own self-esteem, it can seriously damage your relationship with your children if you live your life through them and depend on their achievements to boost your self-image. For your children’s sake, get a life of your own!

Through personal experience and hardship, I learned that happiness and self-worth does not come from your relationships. When you make your relationship the purpose of your existence, you’re heading for a big disappointment, because fulfilment and self-worth do not come from outside ourselves.

As Dr. Laura Schessinger says in her book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, women can learn a lot from men when it comes to building one’s self-worth. She recommends having a sense of purpose and working towards a goal as a way to boost self-esteem.

I know from personal experience that this works, and strongly believe that ALL women must take the trouble to get an education and put their knowledge or skills to good use either in the workplace or community. Your achievements will boost your self-esteem and vice versa.

It’s important to love yourself unconditionally, and nurture your body, mind and soul. Cultivate hobbies, start an exercise program, learn a new language, travel and see the world.

To sit at home, play the good wife, and have no other goal but to make your man happy - and expect him to make you happy in return - is not only unfair to the man, but also keeps you from playing your best game.

You owe it to yourself to reach your highest potential. Realise that it’s up to YOU to love yourself and be happy, so that you can bring more of yourself to your relationship.

And if you’re a single woman looking for a mate, you should know that being a self-assured, confident woman who loves herself, will increase your chances of finding a suitable mate. After all, men like women who like themselves (at least the good ones do).

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