Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre
June 22nd, 2006, 12:32 am by Priya Florence Shah
Filed under Happiness, Self Help, Self-Awareness, Attraction, Stupid Mistakes Women Make, Empowering Women, My Life, Personal Growth, India, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Attitude, Experiences, Thoughts
Ever since the days when Cinderella, Snow White and Rapunzel waited for their handsome prince to rescue them, we’ve been taught to believe that a woman is nothing without a man. Thank heaven for strong female role models like Mulan and Pocahontas !
You’d think the modern woman would be immune to the belief that landing a man and marrying him was her sole purpose in life.
Sadly, most young women still feel that way (watch Ally McBeal if you doubt that), especially in Indian society, which promotes the idea that it’s our karmic duty (and this applies to men as much as women) to tie the knot and procreate.
Allan Pease wrote that that women derive their self-worth from their relationships, while men derive theirs from their achievements. Society and conditioning tells us that not having a life or goals apart from her family is acceptable for a woman.
Despite being extremely well-educated and a focused on a career, I bought into this myth when my daughter was born and needed a lot of my attention. But while I love being a mother and highly recommend it (if you’re so inclined), I do not recommend that you make motherhood the sole purpose of your existence.
Besides being damaging to your own self-esteem, it can seriously damage your relationship with your children if you live your life through them and depend on their achievements to boost your self-image. For your children’s sake, get a life of your own!
Through personal experience and hardship, I learned that happiness and self-worth does not come from your relationships. When you make your relationship the purpose of your existence, you’re heading for a big disappointment, because fulfilment and self-worth do not come from outside ourselves.
As Dr. Laura Schessinger says in her book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, women can learn a lot from men when it comes to building one’s self-worth. She recommends having a sense of purpose and working towards a goal as a way to boost self-esteem.
I know from personal experience that this works, and strongly believe that ALL women must take the trouble to get an education and put their knowledge or skills to good use either in the workplace or community. Your achievements will boost your self-esteem and vice versa.
It’s important to love yourself unconditionally, and nurture your body, mind and soul. Cultivate hobbies, start an exercise program, learn a new language, travel and see the world.
To sit at home, play the good wife, and have no other goal but to make your man happy - and expect him to make you happy in return - is not only unfair to the man, but also keeps you from playing your best game.
You owe it to yourself to reach your highest potential. Realise that it’s up to YOU to love yourself and be happy, so that you can bring more of yourself to your relationship.
And if you’re a single woman looking for a mate, you should know that being a self-assured, confident woman who loves herself, will increase your chances of finding a suitable mate. After all, men like women who like themselves (at least the good ones do).
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Soul Kadee: An Appetite for Life » Self-Worth And Self-Esteem said,
June 22nd, 2006, 1:05 am
[…] So here’s Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre Downloadable resources: […]
Soul Kadee: An Appetite for Life » Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man said,
August 2nd, 2006, 11:26 am
[…] Continuing with my series on the Stupid Mistakes Women Make In Relationships, one issue I feel very strongly about is that women should be completely independent of their man. […]
Soul Kadee » Stupid Mistake #10: Making Him Responsible For Your Happiness said,
May 19th, 2007, 12:17 am
[…] Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre […]
Ineke Van Lint said,
August 15th, 2007, 9:42 pm
what a wonderful series of thoughts! So true! As a psychologist, I can approve of all what you wrote. Good work!! Every woman in the world should read this.
Bob the Chef said,
August 28th, 2008, 8:32 pm
Be careful not to give in to the zeal of a new convert. I clicked on Ineke Van Lint’s name and got to a page that suggests not a method for healing and becoming less co-dependent, but a mere Coue method to cover it up by adopting a selfish attitude.
A rational, honest approach is the foundation, not a radical militant war cry. This allies equally to men. Too often do women who call themselves feminists fall into this category. It’s the foolish jump, from being a woman who accepts arbitrary cultural norms as absolutes to being a woman who denies the obvious differences between male and female that leads to irrational and destructive behaviors. Happiness is partially determined by expectations, and the satisfaction from achieving goals comes from growing. Ambition should be avoided, for it is foolish, short-sighted, sophistic, self-centered and will leave you feeling empty (you think all those “top business executives” are happy? Think again. They often fail to recognize that, say, the CEO works for his employees, and not the other way around.). What I often observe is women who don’t actually depart from worrying and living to other people’s expectations, but rather women who replace their “female values” with “masculine values.” This is brainless, and merely substitutes one set of external expectations with another set. Freeing oneself is not proving you can do just as well as a man, but to refuse to play the game, the rat race, period. Be yourself, be human, don’t be afraid of your blemishes, we all have them, they are not permanent unless you worry about them.
charlie said,
April 13th, 2009, 7:57 pm
your writings are the most positive and motivational i have ever come across. Im going through relationship issues and i realise now it is mainly due to my dependence, which im now trying to address. Its so hard but im determined to do it!
thanks so much for taking the time to write this. Xxxx