Soul Kadee

One of the reasons I admire Angelina Jolie is that she’s totally comfortable with her dark side. I also admire her talent, guts and compassion, but that’s the subject of another post.

All of us have a dark side - flaws and behaviours that prevent us from being our best selves, that we would rather not admit to having, and that we often keep hidden even from ourselves.

Becoming aware of our flaws and eccentricities can make us feel unlovable or unattractive as human beings. But loving yourself means accepting yourself the way you are. Completely and unconditionally. And that means embracing your dark side.

Only when you accept and embrace the fact that you have a behaviour that does not serve you, can you replace it with one that does.

As Deepak Chopra notes in his book, The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Creating The Love You Need, a person who exhibits both positive and negative qualities, strengths and weaknesses, is not flawed but complete. And if you have a desirable trait, you can be sure you also have the opposite trait in you.

For instance, my friends know me as a non-judgemental, non-egoistic, compassionate, giving person. As an empath and an INFJ personality type I’m always concerned about people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone.

But that personality trait also made me a complete pushover in my relationships with people. It meant that I was unable to draw boundaries, stand up for myself or ask for what I needed. I would let people walk all over me and end up resenting them for it (when it was really my fault for not being more assertive).

Once I became aware of this flaw, and accepted the behaviour that was not serving me, I made a conscious effort to change it. Sometimes in trying to be more assertive, I tend to come across as egoistic, stubborn and argumentative (or bitchy, as some people would put it).

I became acutely aware of this tendency a few days ago, when it sabotaged my efforts to promote peace among people hurting from the blasts in Mumbai. Although my heart was in the right place, I erred by choosing to react instead of respond and failing to understand where they were coming from.

We INFJs hold deep convictions and can be very stubborn or react adversely when our values and beliefs are threatened. But there’s a fine line between being assertive and egoistic, discerning and judgemental, and I sometimes overcompensate, and allow the less desirable behaviour to dominate.

I guess it’s all part of learning the Law of Balance. It was in Dan Millman’s beautiful book, The Laws of Spirit: A Tale of Transformation, that I learned how, in the process of unlearning something, we sometimes need to overcompensate in order to hit our target.

When I display an undesirable behaviour or reaction, I know I have a long way to go on my path of transformation. But I know that change is a process, not a destination.

And although it’s not always fun to learn more about our dark side, there’s always the hope that better awareness will lead to better choices.

Recommended Reading:

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers

Tags: Angelina Jolie

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