Soul Kadee

After being thrown back into the dating scene in my thirties, I haven’t really found my choices appealing. Partly my fault. I don’t date much, nor am I proactive about finding a date. I’ve been too busy with work and family to even care about dating.

As one of my best friends (who also happens to be a man) told me, I don’t really need a man in my life. And he was telling the truth, as men usually are - at least the ones I know anyway.

I have a full life and am quite content being single. Besides, I have everything a woman could ever want. A home of my own, a beautiful daughter who’s the light of my life, supportive parents who help me take care of her, financial and emotional independence, and work that fulfils me creatively.

What more could I possibly ask for! Yup, I know I’m blessed, and I’m grateful for everything I have. So then, why the hell do I want a man in my life? Especially with all the aggravation they cause. Beats me

But y’know, I did have some wonderful times with my hubby, going on holiday together, doing fun things that couples do. I enjoyed having someone to share my dreams with. And I miss that sometimes.

Then again, I don’t need to be married to do all that stuff with someone. Marriage is a big deal for me. Not something I take lightly. And I don’t see myself taking that step until I’ve been in a committed relationship for at least two years - as long it takes for all the attraction chemicals to wear off.

But the thirties are a really not a bad time at all. I no longer feel the need to be anyone’s wife, and can afford to raise my standards and be verrrry picky about choosing a mate.

After all these years, my requirements in a mate have changed a lot. The relationships I’ve had helped me get clearer on the minimum requirements I should expect in a partner.

Clarity is the first step to doing it right, so I think its time to put down my list of what I want (and more importantly, don’t want) in a man.

We did this little exercise on my Single and Loving It! Network a few days ago, and it was fun. Writing down what you want works just as well for personal goals as it does for business goals.

So here goes:

1. Honest and Open: We Aries women are not really known for our tact and diplomacy. Being honest and open ourselves, we truly appreciate those qualities in our partner. I may not always like what he says or agree with his views, but I’ll always respect him for stating them. It also matters how he treats other people. If he lies to them, he’ll probably lie to me as well.

2. Intelligent and well-informed: You can’t really expect a smart, well-read woman like me to be with a man who’s not as smart, or smarter, than I am, do you? Just kidding. But if he wants to get my attention and keep it, intelligent conversation is a good way to start. I have a low threshold of tolerance for ignorant people and bores.

3. Secure and confident: If there’s one thing that’s a complete turn-off in a man, its insecurity. So is arrogance. But a healthy measure of confidence that’s firmly grounded in a strong sense of self-worth, is very, very sexy indeed.

4. Sunny disposition: As an optimist, and someone extremely sensitive to negative vibes, I would much rather be with a man who’s positive and optimistic. Seeing the humour in a situation will help us get through tough times. Moodiness is tolerable (I’m moody myself), but if the black clouds never show signs of abating, I’ll take a long rain check.

5. Non-abusive Encouraging, Allowing, Appreciative: No controlling, manipulative, abusive types for me, thank you. Stay away from the man who uses subtle, insidious tactics to screw with your mind. He’ll chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you thinking that you’re the basket case - when he’s really the one with the poisonous attitude. This behaviour is unacceptable - a deal-breaker.

6. Not dysfunctional or toxic Functional and emotionally healthy: Does he still blame his ex-wife for screwing up his life? Or his parents for how messed up he is? Does he have problems getting along with people in his life? Then he’s definitely the toxic type. The sort who blames everyone else for his problems and projects all his insecurities on to others. If I stick around, I know I’ll be next in line.

7. Accepts me the way I am: One of the most attractive qualities in a man is his willingness to accept me the way I am, warts and all, without wanting to change me. And even more attractive is his ability to be forgiving of my faults (and I have a few), especially at that touchy time of month.

8. Independent: No Mama’s boys allowed on my campus. If you still live with your parents and have this little codependent thing going with your mom, you’ll score high on my Ewww rating. If you expect a woman to cook, clean and do your laundry, you need a maid, not a mate.

9. Caring and affectionate: I guess its my Goan blood, because I simply love hugging and cuddling €œ but only once we’ve gotten to that stage, not before. I’m big on PDA (Public Displays of Affection) and I love a man who’s not afraid to show the world that he cares. My hubby and I could barely keep our hands off each other. I know there were people who wanted very badly to tell us to get a room. Did we care? Not!

10. Compassionate and liberal: No racists or bigots, please. Take your prejudices elsewhere. A man’s attitude for those less privileged than himself says a lot about his character.

11. Loves children and pets: As a mom who takes her job very seriously, I wouldn’t even consider dating a man who doesn’t love kids. And if you can tolerate my mutt, so much the better.

12. Respects himself and others: This is a biggie! Disrespect is a complete turn-off, a huge deal-breaker for me. A man who loves and respects himself will have healthy boundaries, and will respect others boundaries, mine included. If he consistently violates your boundaries, it shows he has little respect for others, and could easily turn abusive.

13. Free of addictions Clean living: Addiction is an instant deal-breaker. I could never date a man who does drugs, smokes or drinks. If you find it surprising for a Goan like me to abhor drinkers, lets just say that I learned the hard way. An unhealthy attachment to the telly is also not attractive (except during world cup matches, during which I’ll take off with my girlfriends for a long holiday). I’d watch for signs of unhealthy addictions to people and relationships also, because these are not always easy to spot.

14. Spiritual: I’m a spiritual (not religious) person. I’m not materialistic. I don’t care how big your car, house or bank balance is. What matters is the size of your heart. I do pretty well for myself, but I like the simple life. So if money, cars and luxuries are all you care about, I know we’re not meant for each other. I prefer men with a spiritual bent of mind, because I know we’ll have lots to discuss and explore. Tantra, anyone?

15. Not stingy Generous: If a man is stingy with his money, you can bet he’ll be stingy with his time and affection. As far as I’m concerned, Scrooge is a character who belongs in a Dickens novel, not across my dinner table. I believe the one who makes the date pays the bill. It’s not fair to make a man either partner pay all the time, but I do appreciate it when a man is willing to split the bill.

16. Can carry his weight financially: If he’s always in debt, he’s in no position to date or be in a relationship. A man who’s dysfunctional in such an important area of his life is sure to be dysfunctional in other areas as well. Dating a man like that would mean always having to pick up the tab, or worse, having to loan him money. Been there, done that, lived to regret it. Enough said.

17. Takes care of his health: This is another biggie for me. A man who takes care of his body and exercises regularly is attractive, because it means he cares about himself. If he doesn’t, he’s either got serious self-esteem issues or is depressed (read dysfunctional). I swore never again to be with someone who doesn’t care about his health. And I intend to keep that vow.

18. Balances work and relationships: If he’s a workaholic, where’s the time for a relationship? If I date him, he’s either got to be relationship-focused like me, or be pretty good at time-management.

19. Open to trying new things, having new experiences: When a man is afraid or reluctant to try anything new it tells me that he’s either afraid of change or rigid in his thinking, both very unattractive qualities. I’m adventurous and open to learning more about life, so I want to be with someone who thinks the same way.

20. Has goals and works towards them: It’s a real turn-on when a man has a sense of purpose and is going somewhere with his life. A man like that is more likely to respect and support my goals and dreams, and that could make for a great partnership.

21. Believes in being friends first: If sex is all he’s got on his mind, he’s sniffing up the wrong skirt. I’m not into casual relationships. I want someone I can talk to and have fun with. A guy who’s ok with watching a movie or a concert, going for a walk or listening to music. Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. Sex will happen, when it feels right, and not before.

22. Willing to devote time and effort: Is he willing to put in the time and effort it takes to build a relationship? If he isn’t, then he’s probably not very interested. And if he can’t make the time, neither will I.

23. Available: Another biggie! Must not be married, separated (call me when the divorce is through), a serial dater or commitment-phobic. I have no intention of being the string-along.

24. Wants to be exclusive: This goes both ways. If he wants me not to date anyone else, he’s gotta be willing to do the same. If you’re a serial dater or player, don’t even try your charms on me. We Aries women are wise to your games.

25. Heterosexual and great in bed: I put this last, but it’s a biggie, too. Of course, he’s gotta be straight. Will and Grace is a nice comedy, but not one I want to enact in real life. And though great sex can’t compensate for a man who makes you feel lousy about yourself, it can always make a good thing better. Besides, I really love a man who knows that “foreplay” isn’t a game for four players.

Summing up, I’d only consider dating a man I respect and admire. I can’t respect a loser (all he’ll get from me is sympathy), someone who has serious issues to deal with (I’m not his therapist), or a man who hasn’t achieved a measure of success in his own field.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. I’ll probably never find a man with all these qualities, but actually I’ve come pretty close in the past. Close, but no cigar, as they say.

Besides, this is just a list. And if all it does is help me get clarity on what I will, and will not, tolerate in a partner, it’s served its purpose.

Feel free to borrow it or make your own list below.

Popularity: 11% [?]

As a creative person living in the distraction and chaos of the city, I sometimes find it very difficult to create the environment I need to boost my creativity and bring out the best in me.

While talking with my Sensei a couple of days ago, I told him about a time when I was so unhappy with my life, that I wanted to escape to the mountains and become a recluse.

There’s no effort in that, he said. It’s easy to achieve peace and serenity in a calm and beautiful environment like the mountains. Your goal should be to become an oasis of calm in the midst of chaos. So true!

One method that helps me calm my mind, is a technique used by many teachers of visualisation and meditation - creating an inner sanctuary in your mind.

While listening to the audio of Shakti Gawain’s Creative Visualization Meditations, I remembered a vignette from my childhood, that I loved, and that has always helped me create an inner sanctuary of peace and calm.

When we were kids, Doordarshan used to broadcast this short film that showed two little kids, a girl and a boy running through a grassy meadow towards a lake ringed by tall trees.

I still rememer the way the rays of sunlight shone through the trees and sparkled on the lake like diamonds.

The kids would laugh, hold hands, throw pebbles into the water and watch the ripples on the lake. It was all in the name of promoting national integration (the boy’s name was Rahim, the girl’s name, I don’t remember), but the visual was beautiful, calming and joyful.

It’s the first image that comes to mind when I create my inner sanctuary during meditation. Using that visual has helped me create a space inside me that nurtures my creativity and enthusiasm for expressing it.

If someone knows where I can my hands on a copy of that film, do let me know. Its something I’d cherish, as a part of my life I never want to let go.

Also see:

The Little Book Of Inner Space

Popularity: 3% [?]

I just read this article by Joyce Shafer, that makes the distinction between self-image and self-awareness beautifully, and thought I’d share it with you.

Self-image is how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us. Self-awareness is who we know ourselves to be.

People focused on self-image, put their attention towards their physical presentation and whatever achievement means to them in all areas of their lives. Their behaviors follow particular patterns. They may move up the corporate ladder or socially or in whatever area matters to them, but they seem to stay the same personality-wise over time.

This group is where you’ll find perfectionists, as well. Members of this group are often stressed-out or easily enter this state of being. Self-worth is usually determined based on others’ opinions or on monetary measurements. Happiness is usually dependent upon how things turn out for them.

The other group pays attention to their physical presentation and things they choose to accomplish; but, these things piggy-back on the foundation of who they are based on their ongoing development of self-awareness. You can rely on them, but their behaviors and actions change in accordance with increases in self-awareness.

There are no perfectionists in this group because they know perfection is unrealistic, whereas excellence is realistic and attainable. Members can be affected by events, but have a strong foundation of self that readily returns them to a state of balance and a generally easy-going manner. They determine their own worth because they are self-actualized. Happiness is something they choose to experience more often than not.

The self-image group often stays contained emotionally. They may not even know what they really feel about something. They may live primarily by logic and, to some degree, emotion. Emotions and feelings are not the same thing.

Self-aware people deliberately search their feelings so they can live every moment as authentically as possible; and, they strive to properly manage their emotions.

Read the rest of the article here.

Popularity: 8% [?]

[I’ll be writing the third article in my series on “Stupid Mistakes Women Make In Relationships” soon. While I was working on it, I found some nice resources on creating healthy boundaries and am sharing them with you here.]

By Julie Fuimano, Personal & Career Coach

Has anyone ever spoken to you in an inappropriate manner? Often, we are caught off guard and are not prepared to handle these challenging situations. But whenever you are in a situation that’s uncomfortable, it’s imperative that you speak up; the person needs to know that their behavior is inappropriate and that you will not tolerate it.

When you say nothing, there is a negative impact for both you and for the other person. Saying nothing conveys the message that the behavior is acceptable; thus the person is more likely to repeat it. Saying nothing can also leave you feeling victimized.

Learning to assert yourself in a manner that gets your point across with grace and style is part of becoming a strong leader; it takes tools, a little practice and a lot of courage. Becoming assertive will build your leadership muscles and foster self-respect, as well as decrease your levels of stress.

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits you set for how others may act or speak in your presence. They are lines you draw that define your values. They are not walls to shut people out, but rather limits that keep the unwanted behaviors of others from entering your space.

Boundaries are essential for personal health. They act as filters, permitting what’s acceptable into your life and keeping other elements out. Your boundaries are about what others may say or do to you or in your presence.

Keep in mind that another person’s offensive behavior is not about you even though it may feel personal. Another person’s behavior is always about him or her and what thoughts she harbors in her mind.

For example, if someone raises her voice, swears or speaks down to you, she may want power; she may need to be heard; she may want attention; whatever the reason, it’s about her.

Identify Your Boundaries

First you’ll need to identify your boundaries. Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?

Consider how parents do this with their children in order to socialize them and to help them grow. Yet, rarely do people leave childhood feeling they know how to stop people from hurting them. Our parents do the best they can; as adults, we must pick up where they left off. We are responsible for how we experience life and for how we allow others to treat us.

Take notice of your feelings. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone’s comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react. Notice and acknowledge the feeling. Note what the person is doing or saying that is causing this reaction and empower yourself by responding appropriately.

Express Your Boundaries

Once you are clear about your boundaries, you must educate people as to how to act in your presence. If you never tell anyone how to treat you, they will treat you in whatever way they choose. When you say nothing, you give your power away.

It’s one thing to confide in a co-worker, “I don’t like the rude manner in which he spoke to me,” and quite another to tell the person directly, “Please don’t speak to me in that tone.” When you assert your boundaries, you are telling others how you expect to be treated. This reflects basic self-respect.

You may become angry, frustrated or sad when a boundary is crossed. Don’t suppress your feelings; when you suppress your emotions, you only hurt yourself by increasing your stress and expending energy on keeping the feelings pent-up, which eventually can cause physical harm to your body. On the other hand, you don’t want to react inappropriately to your emotions either.

As a leader, you need to learn to identify the source of negative emotions and whether or not they were caused by someone’s inappropriate words or actions. And you must learn to respond appropriately to ensure positive change.

Enforce Your Boundaries

There are several ways to assert yourself and enforce your boundaries. Here are some tools for you to use:

• Inform by pointing out the behavior you find unacceptable. “Did you realize you were speaking very loudly?”
• Make a request. “Please do not raise your voice to me.”
• Give instructions. “I need for you to lower your voice.”
• Warn the person. “You may not speak to me in that tone.”
• Make a demand. “Stop it! I demand you stop yelling at me right now!”
• Leave. “What you are doing is unacceptable to me. I am willing to work it out with you when you are able to be reasonable. I must leave now to protect myself.”

Being a leader means expecting excellence from others. That includes asking for and expecting others to treat you appropriately. When they miss the mark, you need to bring it to their attention. When you assert yourself and point out inappropriate behavior, you demonstrate leadership, exhibit self-respect and become a role model for others.

Julie Fuimano, MBA, BSN, RN is a Success Coach and author of “101 Tips For Developing The Leader In You!” Her passion is coaching executives, managers, entrepreneurs and professionals to achieve more - more money, more time, more energy, more fun and less stress! For your free consultation, visit Julie at http://www.nurturingyoursuccess.com, write to her at Julie@nurturingyoursuccess.com or call her directly at (484) 530-5024.

More Resoures on for Enforcing Boundaries:

Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries in Dating

Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No: Making Life Right When It Feels All Wrong

Articles on control dramas and boundaries

Defining Boundaries: The Courage To Say No

Why It’s Important To Set Boundaries With Children

Online Self-Help Book: Setting Boundaries Appropriately

Popularity: 10% [?]

The only real valuable thing is intuition.
Albert Einstein

Intuition, the sixth sense (also known as gut feeling, hunches, dreamtongue, wahi), has always been the subject of much scepticism.

Intuition is defined as

Understanding without apparent effort, quick and ready insight seemingly independent of previous experiences or empirical knowledge.

or

A spontaneous impulse to take an immediate, unplanned action, which in retrospect, proves to be the most beneficial action to take in order to positively influence an unknown future event or situation.

“To the rationally minded, the mental processes of the intuitive appear to work backwards. His conclusions are reached before his premises,” wrote Frances Wickes in The Inner World of Childhood.

In the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality indicator, Sensing and Intuition are the perceiving functions. They indicate how a person prefers to receive and process data.

The Sensing type prefers to receive data primarily from the five senses, and the Intuitive type prefers to receive data from the subconscious, or seeing relationships via insights or associations. Sensors see the trees, while Intuitives see the forest.

While Sensors tend to think in a linear fashion, one thought following the next, Intuitives frequently engage in intuitive leaps in thinking. Sensors tend to live in the moment, while Intuitives live in the past or future.

Sensors are also more likely to trust their experience, while Intuitives are able to see possibilities and alternatives that aren’t immediately apparent.

Note: No personality type is better or worse - they’re just a way of assessing different temperaments and helping us understand ourselves better.

For most of my life, I was ignorant of my intuitive nature. I didn’t understand, believe or trust my feelings and hunches. Influenced by the belief that intellect was superior to emotion, I thought intuition was an inferior way to see the world.

I believed that rational thinking and scientific reasoning were a better way to process data than feelings, and gravitated towards a career in science, which only served to strengthen my scepticism.

Embarrassed by my attraction to the paranormal, I sought to explain even that through logic and scientific reasoning. After all, Carl Sagan was my hero, and he spent most of his life trying to disprove paranormal phenomena!

I still love Sagan’s books, but realised that his arguments were flawed. Attempts to measure psychic phenomena using scientific criteria don’t work, because scientific observation is limited to the five senses. As Jad at the Book of Storms says, that would be like the Sun chasing the Moon.

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.
Albert Einstein

Despite my denial of intuition, I did end up acting from gut feeling most of my life. If something didn’t feel right, I just wouldn’t do it. I have to thank my impulsive Aries traits for that.

It took me a (long) while to start trusting my intuition. But scoring as an INFJ in the MBTI personality typing, empowered me to look at the world in a whole new light. I was finally free of the compulsion to deny who I was.

As I continue to learn more about myself and my gifts, I appreciate the role that intuition has played in my life. It gave me the ability to express myself in writing, and to connect with people almost instantly.

Intuitive information can come through feelings, images, body sensations (gut feelings) or thoughts. Because of my sensitivity to energy, I get my information primarily through feelings and body sensations (clairsentience).

When I know something is wrong, or sense insincerity or incongruency in a person, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, or a tightness in my chest, a dip in my energy levels and a general low feeling.

Sometimes I feel a chill down my spine or my hair standing up on end. With some people I’ve felt an instant “Ewww”, a repulsion that I’m unable to explain. When the feeling is strong, I feel physically ill, sick to my stomach.

When I trust my intuition, I am rarely wrong. It’s when I second-guess my hunches and rationalise my gut feelings about people and situations, that I end up learning hard lessons.

According to Intuition magazine online, “intuition is increasingly recognized as a natural mental faculty, a key element in the creative process, a means of discovery, problem solving, and decision making. Once considered the province of a gifted few, it is now recognized as an innate capacity available to everyone — not a rare, accidental talent, but a natural skill anyone can cultivate.”

Intuition is now an EQ competency; that is, it’s considered something necessary to successful living, and something to be respected and valued, writes Susan Dunn.

To develop your intuition, “Get centered. Quiet your thinking mind. Slow down and focus on one thing at a time. Listen. Practice,” she advises.

Sounds an awful lot like mindfulness practice or meditation to me. I can vouch for meditation, because it was responsible for helping me tap into my intuitive abilities.

Do share. I’d love to hear your experiences with discovering your intuitive and psychic abilities.

Resources to help develop intuition

A selection of articles on Intuition

Understanding Your Psychic Ability - 8 powerful ways to increase your awareness, and consequently your happiness with both your self and the world around you.

Developing Our Psychic Ability - Additional Benefits of Listening to Your Sixth Sense Podcast

Tags: psychic, paranormal, intuition

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Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott’s rules for life - also known as ‘Ten Rules for Being Human‘ are a map for understanding and pursuing personal development, and for helping others to understand and develop too.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this at birth.

Cherie Carter-Scott’s Books:

If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules

If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules: 10 Rules for Finding Love and Creating Long-Lasting, Authentic Relationships

Popularity: 9% [?]

Via Cassandra Walker I found this report in Psychology Today that shows how empathy can be measured in the brain.

When something hurts you, I feel it too. So suggests research by Sean Mackey, Ph.D., and his colleagues at Stanford University, who discovered that when people see others in pain, they show patterns of brain activation similar to patterns observed when they themselves are suffering.

Researchers scanned the brains of 14 subjects while they watched videos of people being injured in situations such as car crashes and sport events. The same subjects’ brains were studied as researchers placed a painfully hot instrument on their arms. A comparison of the scans revealed that areas of the brain responsible for processing sensory and emotional aspects of pain were activated.

Mackey suggests this overlap represents a neurological expression of empathy, which may serve to bind people socially.

The researchers didn’t ask whether the neurological patterns are an outcome of empathy or a cause of it. What do you think? Do changes in our energy precede neuronal changes or the other way around?

Popularity: 2% [?]

Last night, I had a few insights involving my relationships with people I’ve attracted in this lifetime.

As I tossed and turned in my bed, trying vainly to get some shut eye, I realised the reason I was attracted to certain people was that I was able to see them at the level of their soul - their higher self.

When we’re in a non-judgmental, or empathic, frame of mind (and when I’m not beating myself up, I usually am) we see a person for who they truly are, rather than the persona they present to the outside world.

The ability to be non-judgmental had a downside for me. It often made me blind to personality flaws and dysfunctional behaviour in the people I attracted. I remember telling myself to give them the benefit of the doubt, even when I noticed something amiss.

My naive, gullible nature often frustrated my husband, especially on the occasions I ended up hurt and disillusioned when people didn’t behave the way I expected them to. It was one of the many flaws I had to take responsibility for resolving in this lifetime.

It also made me realise the value of trusting my intuition, instead of explaining away dysfunctional behaviour with logic and rational thinking. I learned to listen to that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and sense of fatigue - signals that warn me when something or someone is not right for me.

Some of my relationships ended well. Some didn’t. I think of them as “collateral damage” (an overused term among those seeking to justify their wrongdoings). When my relationships ended badly, it was usually because I was acting from ego and fear at the time.

It would be ideal if everyone acted from their higher selves all the time. But that’s only possible in an ideal world. Most of the time we let our fears - of inadequacy, of failure, of being unlovable - overcome the ability to act from our Higher self, to act from love.

We encounter many soulmates in each life, as friends, acquaintances or lovers. Many of them come to us with personality flaws or dysfunctional behaviour that makes them incompatible as mates.

These flaws have a purpose. They’re meant to trigger those very fears that we decided to overcome before we made our earthly sojourn.

If we overcome our fears, we reach a higher level of existence. If we don’t, we keep attracting the same sort of people into our lives, living out the same patterns of abuse, until we’re ready to face our fears and learn our lessons.

Note: If this past life stuff is all ancient hocus pocus to you, I suggest you amble on over to the Heal Past Lives site and subscribe to the free Clear Your Karma course. Even if you don’t believe in reincarnation, it’ll make for some interesting reading.

It’s up to us to attract the soulmate that we’re most compatible with on the personality level. We can only do that by aligning with our Higher selves.

And that’s exactly what I plan to do - go “back to school” to get in touch with my higher self and align with my life purpose. It doesn’t matter that the “school” is a search engine and my assignments involve incessant reading and ruminating over my personality defects.

As for my past loves, I’d like to keep my rose-coloured glasses on and remember them the way I first saw them - as shining, pure souls with an immense capacity to give and receive love. The way they were before their earthly experiences made them disconnect from their higher selves.

These insights didn’t come to me out of nowhere. Some are courtesy Love By Design, an ebook that shows you how to align yourself to attract the soulmate you are most compatible with in this lifetime, or to fit better with the one you are with.

As relationship books go, Love By Design is a breath of fresh air, because it has none of those stupid tricks and (yawn!) seduction techniques that other books in this genre tend to focus on.

Of course, the aligning part takes time and effort, but no one said it was easy. And the results should be more than worth it, don’t you think?

Recommended Reading:

Cherie Carter-Scott’s Rules Of Life
Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood, said Helen Keller. Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott’s Rules of Life, also known as ‘The Ten Rules For Being Human’, are a map for understanding and pursuing personal development, and for helping others to understand and develop too.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Jad at My Silent Echo, has a Yahoo group where he shares some amazing research on how to develop your empathic abilities. He also has a fun quiz for intuitives that helps you find out what sort of Empath you are.

I took the quiz and scored as an Artist. No surprise there.

You scored as Artist. You are an Artist Empath, one who creates their own reality and infuses the realities of others with your energy & emotions. You are poetic and sensitive. You turn your feelings into creations and share them with the world. Everything you touch turns to song and is freed by the color of your eyes. Your spirit dances with the winds and paints delight in the evening sky. (from the “Book of Storms” by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/) Universal 90% Artist 90% Judge 85% Healer 80% Traveler 80% Precog 75% Shaman 75% Fallen Angel 60% What Kind of Empath Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Jad’s Yahoo group where he highlights the Book of Storms Series (the B.O.S.S.) explores the many sides of you, supports your growth and development, focuses on accelerating consciousness to higher stages, tapping into multiple forms of intuition and psi; and taking a courageous look deep within the human soul.

Join the group to learn the Empathic language of “Dreamtongue” and become a fully actualized Empath.

Popularity: 7% [?]

The latest issue of The Week magazine carried a rather well-written article on the quandary of the Indian male, and his inability to cope with growing demands from career and home.

The reason for this crisis has a lot to do with the way roles for men and women have been rapidly blurring in the reality of urban India’s double-income homes.

The Indian woman who seems to easily multi-task, juggling family, home and hobbies, is now demanding more from her man, including better sex.

And the Indian male doesn’t seem up to the task. Unable to cope, he is rapidly succumbing to addictions, alcohol, depression, heart-disease and suicide.

The Indian man is struggling to face his new reality. Ad-guru, Alyque Padamsee (who seems to juggle loads of pretty women quite well), and artist, Jehangir Sabavala, blame it on the Mama’s boy syndrome.

I agree wholeheartedly. A lot of Indian men (not all of them… I happen to know some wonderful, emancipated ones) are still tied to their mother’s apron strings.

Indian men don’t want a wife. They want a mother. And you can see it everywhere - in their demands, their neediness, their narsicisstic attitude. In Hindi cinema that stereotypes the suffering, enslaved wife as the ideal Indian woman.

If mother dear is not in the picture, the wife is expected to substitute, taking care of the kids, bringing in a pay packet, and serving up hot meals to hubby-dearest when he returns home. I know of marriages that have collapsed when the wife refused to comply with such insane demands.

I’m no man-hater, but I AM completely repelled by men who are codependent, needy, clingy, demanding, and think it’s their right to take a woman for granted - as if all she’s good for is to feed him, bear his kids and warm his bed at night. These sort of men just make me go “Ewwww!”

I’m glad to learn that women are standing up and demanding their rights to be treated as human beings, and have their needs met, even in the bedroom. But if men are dependent on women for food, sex and companionship, women also tend to depend on men for their emotional needs.

Indian society breeds and encourages codependence. Defined by author Robert Burney as outer or external dependence, the condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources/agencies or external manifestations.

The blogger at Living With Samsara defines it as “any relationship in which one or both partner/s turn over their own autonomy for well-being into the hands of the other.” She lists some characteristics of a healthy relationship, including

• Knowing that your well-being is your responsibility
• Taking responsibility for your own feelings
• Taking care of yourself irrespective of what’s expected by others
• Allowing any person to have any thought or feeling they have without taking it personally
• Learning to say “No”
• Having boundaries and a respect for others’ boundaries even if they don’t

She also recommends Melody Beattie’s books on overcoming codependence.

Codependence can be either in the “taking” (narsicisstic) form or the “giving” (caretaking) form. In general, men lean towards the former and women towards the latter, although that’s not always the case.

Neither situation is healthy - for either sex. Since most relationships in India tend towards one or the other, dysfunctional relationships seem to rule here.

While I champion independence for Indian women, I also stress that Indian men take responsibility for their own needs. The key to discovering if you’re in a codependent relationship is to ask yourself if you can manage your own needs were the other person no more in your life.

Robert Burney notes that

Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self. With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. We try to fill the hole we feel inside of our self with something or someone outside of us - it does not work.

Margaret Paul’s book, Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child, is an amazing resource for creating a better relationship with your self and avoiding the trap of codependence.

Being independent is about respecting yourself. It’s about being whole and complete, so that you have more of yourself to share with your partner. Its about striking a balance between independence and intimacy.

A healthy relationship is one in which two people decide to be together not because they NEED each other to feel complete, but because they ENHANCE each other’s lives.

These concepts are alien to Indian men, who grow up in a cultural milieu that still advocates well-defined roles for men and women in relationships.

But I know many good men who love to cook for their partners and share household chores. Who don’t expect their partners to be responsible for their feelings.

Who take responsibility for themselves and their needs. These are the sort of men I love and respect. The truly emancipated Indian male!

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