Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man
August 2nd, 2006, 11:06 am by Priya Florence Shah
Filed under Empathy, Attraction, Self-Awareness, Happiness, Empowering Women, Stupid Mistakes Women Make, Law Of Attraction, Love, Self-Love, Healing, Wellness, Self Help, Self-Improvement, India, Spirituality, Relationships, Attitude, Books, My Life, Personal Growth, Experiences, Thoughts
Continuing with my series on the Stupid Mistakes Women Make In Relationships, one issue I feel very strongly about is that women should be completely independent of their man.
Healthy, secure men are more attracted to independent, confident women. If you’re looking for a healthy relationship with a mature, confident man, you’d better be able to take care of your own needs.
Only insecure men like a woman who’s clingy and dependent, and that’s not the sort of man you want to attract. If you’re comfortable being the “damsel in distress” looking for a man to “rescue” you, you’d also better get comfortable with being the doormat or the “discard”, when he trades you in for another model.
Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem, and gives you the confidence to walk away from a bad or abusive relationship. There are five main forms of independence worth discussing here:
1. Physical Independence:
This includes the ability to take care of your own physical needs. Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying bills are things you should be able to manage, even if you live with someone else.
I’ve seen a lot of co-dependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your needs?
If you’re a codependent, you need to start taking responsibility for your health and your own physical needs. As a burden to your family or spouse, you’re always vulnerable to abuse.
2. Sexual Independence:
Learning to pleasure yourself without needing another man (or woman) to do it for you can be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. If you can learn to pleasure yourself and fulfil your own sexual needs, you’ll never have to settle for a relationship that doesn’t serve you.
Because of conditioning by family and society, too many Indian women are sexually repressed and not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. Sexual repression and false beliefs about sex and our own bodies often lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.
For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.
Fortunately, things are changing even in India, and the younger generation seem to be more comfortable with their sexuality. Sometimes it leads to sexual excesses, which again are not good for healthy self-esteem, but I guess it comes with the territory.
3. Financial Independence:
A lot of women still look to a man as a provider and a source of security. Marriage proposals show this tendency very clearly. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who does’nt.
If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate any crap he gives you. Relationships built on a foundation of need are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.
I personally believe that, unless she is taking care of kids and home (which is a job in itself) no woman should be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should the man walk out of the relationship.
Being financially independent not only enhances your own self-worth, but gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespectful or abusive behaviour if you know you can fend for yourself.
4. Emotional Independence:
This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you act clingy, you’ll attract insecure men who are more likely to abuse you when things get rough.
Being clingy and dependent on a man for your emotional needs will not only promote abuse, it will also drive away a great many good men looking for a strong, independent woman.
If you’re having trouble understanding your own emotions and needs, I recommend you read Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul.
5. Spiritual Independence:
This includes the courage to think for yourself, have your own ideas, and follow the spiritual path that feels right for you.
Most healthy men respect a women who is an independent thinker. Independent thinking women are less likely to attract controlling, abusive men who try to control what you think, read or believe in.
Becoming independent in all these ways gives you the freedom to enter into a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on your own terms.
Recommended Reading:
I’ve included some resources here that have helped me understand the issues of codependence in relationships.
Codependence: Painful Adult Behaviors Learned in Childhood
An excellent article that explores the origins of codependence, and why women are more prone to codependent behaviour.
Talks about the kinds of relationships men desire with a woman at different stages in their growth.
The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You by Barbra De Angelis
I highly recommend this book if you want to learn what it takes to stop playing manipulative games (that only attract unhealthy, manipulative men) and build healthy, authentic relationships with a good man.
Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov
I didn’t like the title of this book at first, and I still think it’s misleading, because what Sherry Argov means by the word “bitch” is a confident, self-assured, independent woman who knows how to get her own needs met. There’s nothing even remotely “bitchy” about that. But I do recommend this book if you need to understand what it takes to overcome codependence, stop acting clingy and get the respect you deserve in a relationship.
Additional Reading:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Popularity: 20% [?]
satyakam said,
August 2nd, 2006, 12:16 pm
Hey a good write up…..
Stephanie said,
August 5th, 2006, 3:09 am
For #3 I’d have to say women in the home raising children should try and have a way to remain financially independent or at least keep the option there. It’s a tough place to be in when one is solely dependent on a partner who may not be overly forthcoming with support and does not see caring for the home and children as a job in itself. My amazon wishlist is growing rather quickly from your last few entries!
surya said,
August 7th, 2006, 5:33 pm
hmmmmmmmmm………….. u reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyy hate men!!!! dont u????
valid points … though i dont agree with all…..
Priya Florence Shah said,
August 7th, 2006, 8:21 pm
Actually I love men. I was deeply in love with one for 18 years. My best friends are men. And they’re the kind who LOVE strong, independent women.
Being independent is not about hating men or hating anyone for that matter. Its about respecting yourself and other people enough to take responsibility for your own needs.
Its about being whole and complete, so that you have more of yourself to share with your partner. Its about striking a balance between independence and intimacy.
A healthy relationship is one in which two people decide to be together not because they NEED each other to feel complete, but because they ENHANCE each other’s lives.
These concepts are alien to a lot of Indian men. Many of them are still mama’s boys, intimidated by strong, independent women.
I’m hoping you’re not one of that species, but even if you are, you’re entitled to your opinion.
Linda Freedman (Therapy Doc) said,
August 30th, 2006, 7:26 pm
Hi, I just stumbled on this fabulous blog and am linking you to mine as recommended. Thanks for the great work especially on Independence. Best, T.D.
Priya Florence Shah said,
September 4th, 2006, 8:29 am
Thanks, Linda. I couldn’t find a link on your blog, but you write interesting stuff
Soul Kadee: An Appetite for Life » Stupid Mistake #5: Tolerating Abuse said,
October 30th, 2006, 2:52 pm
[…] Learn to understand and deal with your own codependent tendencies. Stop thinking that another person can make you feel happy or secure or fulfilled. You are the only one who can make you feel that way. Cultivate independence and you’ll attract healthy partners and relationships. […]
Soul Kadee » Stupid Mistake #10: Making Him Responsible For Your Happiness said,
May 19th, 2007, 12:31 am
[…] Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man […]
Soul Kadee » Have Women Forgotten How To Be Feminine? said,
July 6th, 2007, 1:57 am
[…] Most of the time, he loved doing things for me. I realised that it made him feel needed and allowed him to express his masculinity. But there is such a thing as being too dependent on a man. For me, independence was something I had to LEARN. […]
Grateful! said,
December 29th, 2008, 5:39 am
You may have single-handedly saved my relationship! my boyfriend has been encouraging me to be more independent because he recognizes how my happiness has started to revolve around our relationship. we have been arguing a lot, and this has caused me to become terribly depressed. but i am already starting to feel more independent after exercising some of your tips, and our relationship is now better than ever! i cannot thank you enough!
Priya Florence Shah said,
December 29th, 2008, 2:38 pm
Wow, that’s some endorsement!! I am very happy if my writing has helped you in any way. I only shared what I’ve learned and I’m impressed that you made the effort to apply it to your life
liz said,
April 13th, 2009, 3:03 pm
god i so agree about the financial independence. i live with a man twice my age that fully supports me and i put up with so much of his neurotic insecurities and BULLCRAP that i would NEVER put up with otherwise!! i hate it!!! i wish i could support myself but im not out of college yet, its really hard to find a job that will pay all of my bills myself, and my parents cannot support me. im afraid if i leave ill be on the streets. THIS SITUATION SUCKS, ITS NOT WORTH IT, DONT LET A MAN FULLY SUPPORT YOU!!! You have no say-so in anything for fear of being kicked out!!!