Soul Kadee

After being thrown back into the dating scene in my thirties, I haven’t really found my choices appealing. Partly my fault. I don’t date much, nor am I proactive about finding a date. I’ve been too busy with work and family to even care about dating.

As one of my best friends (who also happens to be a man) told me, I don’t really need a man in my life. And he was telling the truth, as men usually are - at least the ones I know anyway.

I have a full life and am quite content being single. Besides, I have everything a woman could ever want. A home of my own, a beautiful daughter who’s the light of my life, supportive parents who help me take care of her, financial and emotional independence, and work that fulfils me creatively.

What more could I possibly ask for! Yup, I know I’m blessed, and I’m grateful for everything I have. So then, why the hell do I want a man in my life? Especially with all the aggravation they cause. Beats me

But y’know, I did have some wonderful times with my hubby, going on holiday together, doing fun things that couples do. I enjoyed having someone to share my dreams with. And I miss that sometimes.

Then again, I don’t need to be married to do all that stuff with someone. Marriage is a big deal for me. Not something I take lightly. And I don’t see myself taking that step until I’ve been in a committed relationship for at least two years - as long it takes for all the attraction chemicals to wear off.

But the thirties are a really not a bad time at all. I no longer feel the need to be anyone’s wife, and can afford to raise my standards and be verrrry picky about choosing a mate.

After all these years, my requirements in a mate have changed a lot. The relationships I’ve had helped me get clearer on the minimum requirements I should expect in a partner.

Clarity is the first step to doing it right, so I think its time to put down my list of what I want (and more importantly, don’t want) in a man.

We did this little exercise on my Single and Loving It! Network a few days ago, and it was fun. Writing down what you want works just as well for personal goals as it does for business goals.

So here goes:

1. Honest and Open: We Aries women are not really known for our tact and diplomacy. Being honest and open ourselves, we truly appreciate those qualities in our partner. I may not always like what he says or agree with his views, but I’ll always respect him for stating them. It also matters how he treats other people. If he lies to them, he’ll probably lie to me as well.

2. Intelligent and well-informed: You can’t really expect a smart, well-read woman like me to be with a man who’s not as smart, or smarter, than I am, do you? Just kidding. But if he wants to get my attention and keep it, intelligent conversation is a good way to start. I have a low threshold of tolerance for ignorant people and bores.

3. Secure and confident: If there’s one thing that’s a complete turn-off in a man, its insecurity. So is arrogance. But a healthy measure of confidence that’s firmly grounded in a strong sense of self-worth, is very, very sexy indeed.

4. Sunny disposition: As an optimist, and someone extremely sensitive to negative vibes, I would much rather be with a man who’s positive and optimistic. Seeing the humour in a situation will help us get through tough times. Moodiness is tolerable (I’m moody myself), but if the black clouds never show signs of abating, I’ll take a long rain check.

5. Non-abusive Encouraging, Allowing, Appreciative: No controlling, manipulative, abusive types for me, thank you. Stay away from the man who uses subtle, insidious tactics to screw with your mind. He’ll chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you thinking that you’re the basket case - when he’s really the one with the poisonous attitude. This behaviour is unacceptable - a deal-breaker.

6. Not dysfunctional or toxic Functional and emotionally healthy: Does he still blame his ex-wife for screwing up his life? Or his parents for how messed up he is? Does he have problems getting along with people in his life? Then he’s definitely the toxic type. The sort who blames everyone else for his problems and projects all his insecurities on to others. If I stick around, I know I’ll be next in line.

7. Accepts me the way I am: One of the most attractive qualities in a man is his willingness to accept me the way I am, warts and all, without wanting to change me. And even more attractive is his ability to be forgiving of my faults (and I have a few), especially at that touchy time of month.

8. Independent: No Mama’s boys allowed on my campus. If you still live with your parents and have this little codependent thing going with your mom, you’ll score high on my Ewww rating. If you expect a woman to cook, clean and do your laundry, you need a maid, not a mate.

9. Caring and affectionate: I guess its my Goan blood, because I simply love hugging and cuddling €œ but only once we’ve gotten to that stage, not before. I’m big on PDA (Public Displays of Affection) and I love a man who’s not afraid to show the world that he cares. My hubby and I could barely keep our hands off each other. I know there were people who wanted very badly to tell us to get a room. Did we care? Not!

10. Compassionate and liberal: No racists or bigots, please. Take your prejudices elsewhere. A man’s attitude for those less privileged than himself says a lot about his character.

11. Loves children and pets: As a mom who takes her job very seriously, I wouldn’t even consider dating a man who doesn’t love kids. And if you can tolerate my mutt, so much the better.

12. Respects himself and others: This is a biggie! Disrespect is a complete turn-off, a huge deal-breaker for me. A man who loves and respects himself will have healthy boundaries, and will respect others boundaries, mine included. If he consistently violates your boundaries, it shows he has little respect for others, and could easily turn abusive.

13. Free of addictions Clean living: Addiction is an instant deal-breaker. I could never date a man who does drugs, smokes or drinks. If you find it surprising for a Goan like me to abhor drinkers, lets just say that I learned the hard way. An unhealthy attachment to the telly is also not attractive (except during world cup matches, during which I’ll take off with my girlfriends for a long holiday). I’d watch for signs of unhealthy addictions to people and relationships also, because these are not always easy to spot.

14. Spiritual: I’m a spiritual (not religious) person. I’m not materialistic. I don’t care how big your car, house or bank balance is. What matters is the size of your heart. I do pretty well for myself, but I like the simple life. So if money, cars and luxuries are all you care about, I know we’re not meant for each other. I prefer men with a spiritual bent of mind, because I know we’ll have lots to discuss and explore. Tantra, anyone?

15. Not stingy Generous: If a man is stingy with his money, you can bet he’ll be stingy with his time and affection. As far as I’m concerned, Scrooge is a character who belongs in a Dickens novel, not across my dinner table. I believe the one who makes the date pays the bill. It’s not fair to make a man either partner pay all the time, but I do appreciate it when a man is willing to split the bill.

16. Can carry his weight financially: If he’s always in debt, he’s in no position to date or be in a relationship. A man who’s dysfunctional in such an important area of his life is sure to be dysfunctional in other areas as well. Dating a man like that would mean always having to pick up the tab, or worse, having to loan him money. Been there, done that, lived to regret it. Enough said.

17. Takes care of his health: This is another biggie for me. A man who takes care of his body and exercises regularly is attractive, because it means he cares about himself. If he doesn’t, he’s either got serious self-esteem issues or is depressed (read dysfunctional). I swore never again to be with someone who doesn’t care about his health. And I intend to keep that vow.

18. Balances work and relationships: If he’s a workaholic, where’s the time for a relationship? If I date him, he’s either got to be relationship-focused like me, or be pretty good at time-management.

19. Open to trying new things, having new experiences: When a man is afraid or reluctant to try anything new it tells me that he’s either afraid of change or rigid in his thinking, both very unattractive qualities. I’m adventurous and open to learning more about life, so I want to be with someone who thinks the same way.

20. Has goals and works towards them: It’s a real turn-on when a man has a sense of purpose and is going somewhere with his life. A man like that is more likely to respect and support my goals and dreams, and that could make for a great partnership.

21. Believes in being friends first: If sex is all he’s got on his mind, he’s sniffing up the wrong skirt. I’m not into casual relationships. I want someone I can talk to and have fun with. A guy who’s ok with watching a movie or a concert, going for a walk or listening to music. Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. Sex will happen, when it feels right, and not before.

22. Willing to devote time and effort: Is he willing to put in the time and effort it takes to build a relationship? If he isn’t, then he’s probably not very interested. And if he can’t make the time, neither will I.

23. Available: Another biggie! Must not be married, separated (call me when the divorce is through), a serial dater or commitment-phobic. I have no intention of being the string-along.

24. Wants to be exclusive: This goes both ways. If he wants me not to date anyone else, he’s gotta be willing to do the same. If you’re a serial dater or player, don’t even try your charms on me. We Aries women are wise to your games.

25. Heterosexual and great in bed: I put this last, but it’s a biggie, too. Of course, he’s gotta be straight. Will and Grace is a nice comedy, but not one I want to enact in real life. And though great sex can’t compensate for a man who makes you feel lousy about yourself, it can always make a good thing better. Besides, I really love a man who knows that “foreplay” isn’t a game for four players.

Summing up, I’d only consider dating a man I respect and admire. I can’t respect a loser (all he’ll get from me is sympathy), someone who has serious issues to deal with (I’m not his therapist), or a man who hasn’t achieved a measure of success in his own field.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. I’ll probably never find a man with all these qualities, but actually I’ve come pretty close in the past. Close, but no cigar, as they say.

Besides, this is just a list. And if all it does is help me get clarity on what I will, and will not, tolerate in a partner, it’s served its purpose.

Feel free to borrow it or make your own list below.

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