Soul Kadee

If, like me, you’re an empath, INFJ, Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or Type 4 Personality, you know how difficult it can be to create and maintain healthy boundaries in our closest relationships.

The inability to maintain boundaries often results in problems with assertiveness and saying “no” when we need to.

Our instinctive tendency is to withdraw in situations where we feel our boundaries are being violated. It’s often caused me to go, Greta Garbo-like, into my own shell, feeling strongly that “I want to be alone.”

Elaine La Joie has an excellent article on the Intuitive Introverted Withdrawal Pattern that creates the unconscious tendency of sensitive people to withdraw instead of communicate.

In my life, this tendency created a fear of intimacy. Everytime I got too close to a person, it triggered this fear and I ended up sabotaging my relationships by withdrawing. In her article on Fear Of Intimacy, Margaret Paul notes that

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship.

Elaine also notes that sometimes the best energetic boundary is speaking up for ourselves and our needs.

Empaths know they have a different set of needs than most people, and so we can get the idea that our needs don’t count as much because they seem unreasonable or too different from the rest of the world.

Learning how to speak our needs unapologetically is a basic step in proper self-care. Yes, we take the first scary step in admitting who we are, but how else are people to truly know us?

Assertiveness Training is an essential skill for Empaths who need to learn how to create and maintain healthy boundaries. Assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationship partners.

Creating boundaries can topple the balance of our relationships. But for the sake of our self-worth and self-respect, we may have to end relationships that cannot adjust to these new dynamics, or recreate a balance in relationships that we can’t end, like those with our family.

In her article on Rebalancing Relationships, Elaine writes that,

Many empaths know what is likely to happen if they insist on new behaviors, and so choose not to set new boundaries that would rebalance the relationship, all in order to avoid unpleasantness.

This only leads to resentment and more pretense for the empath, and eventually loss of self worth and self respect. They wonder if they are uncompassionate and selfish, completely ignoring the cost to themselves. Our souls and our subconscious are paying attention to this lack of self-care and self-respect.

If we consciously choose to stay in these relationships, we will be up against a permanent block to the unfolding of our spiritual gifts, and we will not mature into fully individuated and conscious human beings.

Type 4 Personalities sometimes exhibit unhealthy behaviour by giving too much. It often ends up making us feel drained and unappreciated.

When we learn to question our unconscious motives, we realise that we often give because we’ve grown up with the belief that to get love we have to give love, and that the needs of others are more important than our own.

But giving with expectation taints the very act of giving. To give in a healthy manner, our hearts must be pure and free of expectations. To do this, we need to take care of our own needs and to give to ourselves first, before we can give to others in a healthy, loving manner.

Elaine’s article on The Giving Persona has some useful advice on dealing with this problem.

Many empaths and beginning intuitives have fallen into the trap of giving too much of themselves away. We believe subconsciously that the way to receive love is to earn it by doing loving things. As children we may have been taught that doing loving things and making others happy is what it means to be a good boy or good girl.

If we believe this, we may ignore our own needs, or we may come to believe that we have no personal needs, that the only need we really have is to make others in our lives happy with us. When we have taken on this Giving Persona, we are hypervigilant to the needs of others, and always ready to please.

When healthy, people with this personality type can be very generous and loving, but they have figured out how to access their own inner needs and honor those needs before and sometimes instead of the needs of others.

When empaths move toward maturity and awareness, the first thing they must do is learn to set boundaries with the very people to whom they have been giving their emotional energy away.

In the end, people with a Giving Persona can become very loving human beings. But, the whole key is to go down to that subconscious level and realize that their worth does not depend on how much they please others, how much they give to others, or how much joy they bring to others.

Once they start valuing themselves and their individual needs, they become a whole person. Once they are whole, they are truly able to support the others around them.

For empaths and Type 4s, emotional literacy is the first step in creating healthy boundaries. Becoming mindful of our emotions and reactions in the moment can help us make better choices for ourselves and others.

Mindfulness or present moment awareness is a spiritual practice whereby a person is intentionally aware of his or her thoughts and actions in the present moment, non-judgmentally. In Buddhism, mindfulness is considered a prerequisite for developing insight and wisdom.

Incorporating a spiritual practice that teaches mindfulness (I use meditation and tai chi), is an essential step to personal growth. Especially for empaths and intuitives, spiritual growth goes hand in hand with psychological growth. As this article on Personality, Essence, & Spirituality notes:

Psychology without spirituality is arid and ultimately meaningless, while spirituality without grounding in psychological work leads to vanity and illusions. Either way, disappointment and deception result. To be most effective, spirituality and psychology need to go hand in hand to reinforce the best in each other.

Radical Personal Responsibility is another practice I recommend to empaths. We often tend to take on another person’s emotions or project our own emotions on to others.

An empath ignorant of her emotions and unaware of her emotional boundaries can end up blaming another person for her distress. Taking responsibility for our feelings and the role we play in situations is the first step towards acceptance and change.

Paul and Layne Cutright have an excellent ebook (see reading list below) that teaches how to assume personal responsibility and deal with upsets. They write that,

When you assume radical personal responsibility, you live in a truth that proclaims:

I am responsible for how I allow others to affect me.

In a world of forces beyond my control, I can learn to be the keeper of my own heart and mind.

Even when things appear not to be going my way, and I am upon an emotional sea of crossing and diverging currents, I can still navigate my way to my ultimate good fortune.

I proclaim that I am not a victim of the world I see. I am a co-creator of it. Let love and wisdom be my moral compass, and let clarity be the wind in my sails.

Recommended Reading:

Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No: Making Life Right When It Feels All Wrong by Herbert Phd Fensterheim, Jean Baer

This book is like the bible on Assertiveness Training and shows through case studies and examples how learning to say no and set boundaries with others can help anyone overcome their problems with assertiveness. Essential reading for empaths.

Assertiveness Training Download

Say what you mean, calmly and clearly, right when you need to. Assertiveness training often misses a vital ingredient - the ability to stay calm while stating your case, which often causes people to stop trying - they think being more assertive is beyond them.

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul

Because empaths live in the world of their emotions, they often feel so overwhelmed by their own painful emotions, that they tend to deny them and dissociate, even from themselves. But suppressing painful emotions creates pathological conditions that can take years to resolve. Getting in touch with your intuition or inner child and learning to nurture your own feelings is essential for empaths who want to achieve emotional maturity.

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine Aron

As a reader notes, HSP’s have difficulty making a relationship to their healthy creative selves; they have often learned to pathologize their gifts of intuition and introspection, depth and empathy. Separated from self, it should be no surprise that they also often become alienated from their partners, when they are in sync with themselves, they can be warm, compassionate, spontaneous and profoundly present in love relationships.

Mindfulness by Ellen J. Langer

To be mindful, stressing process over outcome, allows free rein to intuition and creativity, and opens us to new information and perspectives, says the author.

You’re Never Upset For The Reason You Think by Paul and Layne Cutright

Learn a powerful, effective and easy to use tool for resolving any upset in record time. The CURE is a 13 step process for enlightened conflict resolution that can be done alone or with another to quickly get over anything.

Popularity: 4% [?]

This article could have been titled “Three Thoughtful Reasons NOT To Change A Person,” because it applies to everyone, man or woman.

But since women are usually the ones trying to change men, it seemed more appropriate to address it to you girls.

If there’s one thing that all those years of married life have taught me, it’s that attempting to change a man is an exercise in futility.

But my reasons for not trying to change men have less to do with resigning myself to undesirable behaviour, than with mutual respect and consideration for a man’s feelings.

Here’s why I think it’s not fair to men that we keep trying to change them.

1. He’s entitled to his opinions and free will

I’m a big believer in a person’s right to exercise his free will. As long as he blames no one but himself and is willing to accept the consequences of his actions, a man should have the right to make his own mistakes and learn from them.

Respect his opinions and let him be. And the next time you try to make him change his ways, imagine how YOU would feel if the tables were turned.

2. He will never change for the wrong reasons

The wrong reasons include threats, manipulation, coercion and other underhanded methods. And no, you’re not allowed to use hypnosis or sex either. Play fair.

3. He will change only for the right reasons

The right reasons are inner-driven, and arise only when his actions create enough pain for him to desperately want to make a change. When he is sufficiently motivated to change, he’ll do it regardless of your wanting him to do it.

If he does decide to change, support him every step of the way, and get help for him and yourself. And what should I do if he doesn’t want to change, you say?

Well, then you don’t have too many options, and the ones you have may not be all that attractive. But here’s what you can do if his actions are causing you pain.

• Let Him Know

Your man may not even be aware that his behaviour is affecting you adversely. After all he’s not as intuitive as you are and can’t read your mind. So tell him what you feel. If he cares a lot about you, he may be motivated to change.

• Change Yourself

Susan Page, author of “How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together,” believes that for every action there is always an equal, opposite reaction, and that one person’s fundamental shift toward “good will” can lay the foundation for a better relationship. Based on that premise, all it should take to change your man is to change yourself.

I have my reservations about this approach, but don’t really see any harm in trying it as long as you don’t go overboard in trying to change yourself for his benefit. If it doesn’t change him it might help you deal with some of your own issues.

• Give Up Control

What are you anyway, some kind of control freak? You only have control over your own thoughts and actions, not over the actions of other people. Your penance is to say the “Serenity Prayer” out loud ten times a day. Go do it now, girl.

• Live With It

If you can convince yourself that his behaviour is not all that bad, or you’ve already invested too much in the relationship to leave, then learn to live with it, desensitise, detach, or minimise your exposure to it. It’ll prepare you well for learning to live with his mother.

• Walk, Leave, Vamoose

If his behaviour is too painful, if its affecting your health and self-esteem, then the kindest thing you can do for both of you, is to walk away from the situation.

Sometimes the best option is to make a fresh start. That way you’ll be able to attract someone more suited to your needs the next time around.

Recommended Reading:

If you’ve decided to go ahead and fight this (losing!) battle anyway, here are some battle plans that might help. Be warned, however, that there are no quick fixes, and changing someone is more about changing yourself and your own behaviour, so you’d better be willing to work on yourself first.

A Woman’s Guide to Changing Her Man: Without His Even Knowing It

Rather misleadingly titled, this book is about how women can change their approach to their partners, which means changing themselves first, thus improving their relationships.

Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women

Well-titled to keep both sexes happy, this book is about enhancing communication with your spouse.

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together

Based on the premise that for every action there is always an equal, opposite reaction, and that one person’s fundamental shift toward “good will” lays the foundation for a better relationship.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships

John Gray’s book is a must-read for anyone convinced that the opposite sex is really from another planet (which we are).

Popularity: 3% [?]

Are you truly alive? Do you feel that you’re living the life you’ve always wanted to lead? How many of us really feel fulfilled in every aspect of our lives?

If we have a happy family life, our careers are not what we hoped they would be. If our careers are soaring, we’re often busy getting a divorce or stuck in a dead-end relationship.

Most of us live lives of quiet desperation, knowing that we’re more than we have become. That we can do so much more than we’re doing.

We become dead shells of ourselves, eking out an existence, giving up on the dreams that we had for ourselves, allowing our creativity and potential to languish in the process we call life.

To live fully takes courage. The courage to change. The courage to hurt. The courage to fail. Courage is defined as, “the quality of character which shows itself in facing danger undaunted or in acting despite fear or lack of confidence.”

The fear of change keeps us from living our lives to the fullest. Fear is what prevents us from dumping that lousy job, starting a new venture, breaking off a failing relationship, making a commitment to a new life, a new love.

Change is scary, but if you’re willing to take the step, you’ll find yourself living your best life, playing your best game.

I used to have a fear of being alone that came from childhood fears of abandonment. Being on my own in the world was a very scary option for me. My fears often caused me to settle for relationships that did not serve me.

Ever since I decided that I preferred to be alone and happy than be in a relationship and miserable, I’ve discovered that there’s so much more to life.

I now have time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do, learn things I’ve always wanted to learn, develop myself in ways I never thought possible.

I’ve also opened myself to the possibility of new ventures and new relationships that allow me to express myself fully.

I’ve never felt as alive as I do today. And the best part is that I don’t need anyone else to make me feel that way.

The way to overcome fear is to face it squarely, and do the thing you fear most. If you’re not happy with your life, you only have yourself to blame.

You always have a choice. To change. To grow. To follow your dreams. To be totally alive.

It takes courage to be the best you can be. And it won’t be easy. Change never is.

But it could mean the difference between remaining trapped in the prison of your fears, and living the life of your dreams.

So find your courage, face your fears and take the first step towards becoming the fully alive person you were meant to be.

Recommended Reading:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

Embracing Fear: and Finding the Courage to Live Your Life by Thom Rutledge

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz

The Top 10 Steps for Tapping into Courage

Popularity: 2% [?]

Continuing with my series on the Stupid Mistakes Women Make In Relationships, one issue I feel very strongly about is that women should be completely independent of their man.

Healthy, secure men are more attracted to independent, confident women. If you’re looking for a healthy relationship with a mature, confident man, you’d better be able to take care of your own needs.

Only insecure men like a woman who’s clingy and dependent, and that’s not the sort of man you want to attract. If you’re comfortable being the “damsel in distress” looking for a man to “rescue” you, you’d also better get comfortable with being the doormat or the “discard”, when he trades you in for another model.

Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem, and gives you the confidence to walk away from a bad or abusive relationship. There are five main forms of independence worth discussing here:

1. Physical Independence:

This includes the ability to take care of your own physical needs. Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying bills are things you should be able to manage, even if you live with someone else.

I’ve seen a lot of co-dependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your needs?

If you’re a codependent, you need to start taking responsibility for your health and your own physical needs. As a burden to your family or spouse, you’re always vulnerable to abuse.

2. Sexual Independence:

Learning to pleasure yourself without needing another man (or woman) to do it for you can be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. If you can learn to pleasure yourself and fulfil your own sexual needs, you’ll never have to settle for a relationship that doesn’t serve you.

Because of conditioning by family and society, too many Indian women are sexually repressed and not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. Sexual repression and false beliefs about sex and our own bodies often lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.

For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.

Fortunately, things are changing even in India, and the younger generation seem to be more comfortable with their sexuality. Sometimes it leads to sexual excesses, which again are not good for healthy self-esteem, but I guess it comes with the territory.

3. Financial Independence:

A lot of women still look to a man as a provider and a source of security. Marriage proposals show this tendency very clearly. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who does’nt.

If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate any crap he gives you. Relationships built on a foundation of need are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.

I personally believe that, unless she is taking care of kids and home (which is a job in itself) no woman should be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should the man walk out of the relationship.

Being financially independent not only enhances your own self-worth, but gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespectful or abusive behaviour if you know you can fend for yourself.

4. Emotional Independence:

This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you act clingy, you’ll attract insecure men who are more likely to abuse you when things get rough.

Being clingy and dependent on a man for your emotional needs will not only promote abuse, it will also drive away a great many good men looking for a strong, independent woman.

If you’re having trouble understanding your own emotions and needs, I recommend you read Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul.

5. Spiritual Independence:

This includes the courage to think for yourself, have your own ideas, and follow the spiritual path that feels right for you.

Most healthy men respect a women who is an independent thinker. Independent thinking women are less likely to attract controlling, abusive men who try to control what you think, read or believe in.

Becoming independent in all these ways gives you the freedom to enter into a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on your own terms.

Recommended Reading:

I’ve included some resources here that have helped me understand the issues of codependence in relationships.

Codependence: Painful Adult Behaviors Learned in Childhood

An excellent article that explores the origins of codependence, and why women are more prone to codependent behaviour.

What Men Wish Women Knew

Talks about the kinds of relationships men desire with a woman at different stages in their growth.

The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You by Barbra De Angelis

I highly recommend this book if you want to learn what it takes to stop playing manipulative games (that only attract unhealthy, manipulative men) and build healthy, authentic relationships with a good man.

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov

I didn’t like the title of this book at first, and I still think it’s misleading, because what Sherry Argov means by the word “bitch” is a confident, self-assured, independent woman who knows how to get her own needs met. There’s nothing even remotely “bitchy” about that. But I do recommend this book if you need to understand what it takes to overcome codependence, stop acting clingy and get the respect you deserve in a relationship.

Additional Reading:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

Popularity: 10% [?]