Stupid Mistake #3: Using Sex As A Weapon
September 4th, 2006, 8:51 am by Priya Florence Shah
Filed under Self-Awareness, Attraction, Empowering Women, Stupid Mistakes Women Make, Self Help, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-Improvement, Attitude, Experiences, Thoughts
Some of my men friends have told me about women who use sex to extract something they want from their men. The rewards are usually in the form of jewellery, luxuries, attention, affection, or a wedding ring.
The men I spoke to described these women in less than complimentary terms. As a woman, I think that using sex to manipulate a man is a very bad idea. I mean, why use sex?
If you want to administer cruel and unusual punishment, just hide the remote control when the World Cup is on, and watch him squirm. That could even be considered torture under the Geneva Convention. 
As a woman, I enjoy sex too much to ever think of using it to manipulate someone. I still choose, in this age of instant gratification, to believe that sex is sacred. That its sole purpose should be mutual pleasure and enjoyment. And, of course, making babies.
While I don’t claim to comprehend the reasons why women use sex as a weapon, I suspect it has something to do with power.
Even as little kids, boys always had the upper hand in terms of physical power. In societies like India, where girls are valued less than boys, men also have the upper hand psychologically.
For women who grew up in families where they had no power, the only way they could command respect from a man was by depriving him of the one thing he craved most.
You might call it Nature’s way of correcting the imbalance. Yes, it’s not fair. But who said life was fair?
Of course, if you’re the kind of woman who doesn’t play fair, you must also be prepared for the consequences. That means losing your power and being dumped as soon as your man finds a way to get his needs met elsewhere.
No self-respecting male would tolerate a woman who manipulates and controls him for something that is so cheaply available on any dating website.
When you use your sexual power to manipulate a man, be prepared to have it backfire sooner or later.
Men Are At Fault Too
You men (yeah, you there with the big grin) don’t deserve to be let off the hook so lightly. Not all women use sex as a weapon, y’know?
Women love sex just as much, if not more, than men. But there’s a significant difference in the way men and women experience intimacy.
Men need to be sexually intimate before they can open up to emotional intimacy with a woman. Most women, on the other hand, require emotional intimacy before they can fully open themselves up to sexual intimacy.
Don Juan understood this fact - and he was never short of willing partners.
There are many reasons why your woman might lose her desire for you, or just refuse to have sex with you altogether.
Usually it has to do with the way you’ve been treating her. In other words, if you ain’t makin’ nice, she ain’t puttin’ out.
Yeah, we all know how charming you can be when you’re trying to get lucky. But it’s how you behave AFTER the deed that really gives you away.
THE SUREST WAYS TO KILL A GOOD WOMAN’S DESIRE FOR YOU:
- Be mean, hurtful, rude, insulting, abusive, neglectful, disrespectful or critical
- Don’t be willing to meet her emotional needs
- Don’t be being a sensitive, caring lover
- Don’t ever show her that you value her as a person
- Don’t ever let her know that she’s special to you
- Don’t bother spending time with her outside the bedroom
- Totally destroy her trust in you
- ‘Take’ too much in the relationship
- Make her compete with other women for your time and affection
No self-respecting woman would give herself to a man who doesn’t treat her well. It’s only the codependent, manipulative types, and those with low self-esteem, who will have sex with you to please you, or to get something they want from you.
So if all you want is to get laid, go ahead. But don’t complain that you feel used, or that good women want nothing to do with you.
If you insist on travelling light, be willing to settle for less. In love, as in life, you only get back what you’re willing to put into it.
If men need to understand that they have to treat their woman well to enjoy their favourite sport, women also need to understand that sex is one way to get close to the men they love (and a very enjoyable way, at that).
So stop using it as a weapon, girls. The only perversions in sex are its use for purposes other than for pleasure and intimacy, wrote George Weinberg, Ph.D, in his book, Why Men Won’t Commit. And that, ladies, is the honest truth!
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Subhojit Dasgupta said,
September 5th, 2006, 8:22 am
Instant gratification does not translate to happiness or even “Satisfaction” !
Mutual peak pleasure & satisfaction can be achieved by nourishing the three levels of the mental, physical & spiritual ! And it can`t be done in a jiffy / instant coz its not like making instant coffee lol
But hiding the remote control when the World Cup is on !! My God….that would be instant death LOL
Priya Florence Shah said,
September 5th, 2006, 10:09 am
My, Subhojit! You sound like an MR Coffee ad. Just kidding. I like your views on not-so-instant sex.
And I promise I will never take away your remote control. That would be just too cruel, no?
VR said,
February 24th, 2008, 3:18 pm
Am not sure but I find wifes use sex as weapon to get back at their men
Kay said,
April 4th, 2008, 3:26 am
I had the opposite problem. I am 38 years old. My ex-boyfriend, 42 years old and used sex as a weapon against me. He knew that I really enjoyed sex. So he would deprive me of it, tease me and imply he would have sex with me and then at the last minute he wouldn\’t go through with it. He made me feel like crap. I realised that it was a form of control and dominance over me. He was a control freak and I am so happy to be out of that relationship. It was 12 months of confusion and the biggest emotional rollercoaster of a relationship that I ever experienced. I had never met a man who did that to woman before…it was a real eye opener!
Sean said,
May 12th, 2008, 6:17 am
I\’ve been in a relationship for the last year and a quarter with a beautiful woman 10 years older than myself (me being 29). Initially we had a wonderful exciting sex-life. Then in July/August last year she went away for a month to perform (I joined her for one really good week), then on her return, she stayed with me for a while, then we decided to move in together. A few weeks in, I went for some drinks after work when I should have been home and, caught up with all the excitement, rather selfishly stayed out too late. For the next two months, she used sex (or lack of) and anger as a very effective weapon, despite everything I did to apologize. Things eventually and slowly got back to normal until January when things started to deteriorate really quickly once again and for whatever reason, she just can\’t seem to be intimate with me. Now, sex isn\’t everything to me in life or a relationship, but it is something to be shared and enjoyed between partners who love each other. Whenever I\’ve tried to talk to open up and talk to her about it, she shuts down accusing me of only wanting one thing (duh!). If I try to do nice things for her, like buy flowers, take her on a date, or even just be with her it\’s now seemed to be viewed with complete suspicion. It\’s only this weekend, as I\’ve had a break away from her to look after my mother that I\’ve realized the sheer extent she has been using sex to manipulate me for whatever reason she has (her past etc.). I\’m at a cross-roads now and have despite loving her a great deal… well… help!
Vulcanmind said,
May 13th, 2008, 3:36 am
This is a clear case of over-exposure and trying too hard. Are you a matador or a doormat, dude? Do you have a life? How will paying even more attention to a woman who has seen too much of you already help? You need a new woman (and she needs a new man) - and when you get her, you’d better change your clingy approach to something dignified, with lots of personal space and limits.
sex as a weapon said,
May 13th, 2008, 9:02 pm
[…] to do with power. … My ex-boyfriend, 42 years old and used sex as a weapon against me. …http://www.soulkadee.com/2006/09/04/stupid-mistake-3-using-sex-as-a-weapon/Sex &151 a woman’s weapon? - JAMAICAOBSERVER.COMSex - a woman’s weapon? Feature … We all know that […]
Jim said,
May 17th, 2008, 8:14 am
How come we don’t hear about men’s needs in the relationship. Men are not just cave dwellers who only require sex to be happy, in fact it is as much a woman’s job to emotionally support the man as vice versa.
One of the problems with marriages today is that women seem to view themselves at the center of the universe, with the needs of their men being beneath consideration. It is important to realise that this one sided coin situation cannot continue for much longer without destroying what is left of the family system. It’s time for the ladies to do away with the feminist movement and stop treating their men like domesticated animals.
Vulcanmind said,
May 20th, 2008, 5:21 am
Dude, don’t worry. Women riding that particular hobbyhorse are about to hit evolutionary stagnation point. This species will eventually find that they have promoted themselves into complete redundancy. Even now, they’re not wailing as much about the inequalities it all started off with, but about their empty beds. The future holds as little potential for feminists as it does for men who think they’ve found a sure-shot handle on manipulating women into bed.
We’re staring at the beginning of the Consolidation Phase - no more hobbyhorses, everybody walks or rots where they stand. You can fuck with Nature’s laws only so long…
Gaurav said,
December 18th, 2008, 1:58 pm
i guess western women have already come full circle and indian women who started a few years will come full circle in around 20 years. indian men might as well groom themselves and go out find themselves american women because they have already spent last 30 yrs telling men to FO and are now ready for a dialogue based on reasonable and reciprocal behavior
indian women are not so inclined and will take their own sweet time
Gaurav said,
December 18th, 2008, 2:00 pm
more then the sex i think indian women have been tasting sucess for relatively short period of tiem an will need more exposure to sucess before they come back to the dialogue table
Thomas said,
May 1st, 2009, 8:36 pm
Sex is about power, and in a relationship it seems both parties are constantly vying for total control. If your partner withholds sex, simple take the power from sex. If you dont want what they are withholding then they have no power over you. No the hard part is convincing them you are as equally disinterested in sex. If you are successful often they will try to reestablish sex as a way of reestablishing power over you. Do not fall for this trick, as soon you start having sex again, you are vulnerable to exploitation. Instead look for an alternative way of gaining power of them, which will either allow some balance of power or get enough power were withholding sex is no longer a viable option as a power medium.