Soul Kadee

A lot of women (and men), myself included, have a very hard time letting go of a relationship that’s not meant to be.

We hold on to the illusion that this person is the One for us, and that if we don’t have him or her, we’ll never find somebody new.

Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that all men are jerks or all women are bitches.

If you’ve just got out of a relationship and are harbouring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again.

Anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship. When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives €œ our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships we’ve had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

· Radical Personal Responsibility: Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

· Self-Awareness: Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

· Acceptance: Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didn’t work because it was not your highest and best.

· Forgiveness: Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

· Gratitude: Be grateful that you’re out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons you’ve learned from your partner.

· Compassion: Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and you’ll become less judgmental.

· Detachment: Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

· Independence: Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

· Optimism: Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. It was my optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, that helped me bounce back from tragedy. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It’s been over a year since my husband passed away and I’ve spent the better part of the last year dealing with my own pain and grief. I realised that until I took responsibility for my own feelings, I was never going to be able to have a healthy partnership with a man.

It took a lot of tears, hard work, introspection, and spiritual practice to break the chains of the past. What made it harder was that I chose to do it on my own, instead of taking help.

But it was worth every moment! And the feeling of freedom and contentment that I experienced was just awesome.

Getting rid of my anger and hurt helped me stop blaming others for my pain, and allowed me to see men as they really are €œ wonderful, sensitive human beings who have the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as women.

It also allowed me to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships. I’m in no hurry to start dating again, but I know that I have the maturity to separate my own issues from those that arise in a relationship between two people.

I’ve also learned that if something is not working, it’s probably not meant to be. You can’t force someone to love you, just as you can’t force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and the myths propagated by sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If you’re in pain, what you’re experiencing is not love, but attachment or codependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

It’s best to let go of a relationship that’s causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life. Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

Here’s a list of some books that helped me in my own quest to let go of the past.

Recommended Reading:

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One
This book by relationship expert, John Gray, probably helped me more than any other book I read in the last year. It has practical exercises for working out your anger, pain and resentment. I credit these exercises with helping me clear my old baggage and get free.

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child
This amazing book by Margaret Paul helped me identify my own patterns of codependence and learn to meet my emotional needs without turning to another person. Get it if you have emotional dependence issues.

It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy
Extremely funny and enjoyable, this book is a hilarious look at break-ups and shows you how to deal with your break-up in a healthy and dignified (read, non-psychotic) manner.

He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
If you’re in denial about whether the man in your life is really the One, you gotta read this funny take on the sorry excuses men make to avoid telling you the truth €œ that they’d much rather be somewhere else than with you.

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