Soul Kadee

I’m not a religious person. Born and raised Catholic, I was lucky to have a Dad who encouraged me to think for myself. I always found myself unable to relate to the dogma preached by the padres. So I left the tribe when I turned sixteen.

Since that time, I found I related well with Buddhist philosophy and practices, and instinctively gravitated towards the Eightfold Path. In my quest to understand myself and the world around me, I came across what I thought was a contradiction between psychology (cognitive science) and Buddhist philosophy.

While cognitive science or psychology stresses a healthy sense of self (something I’ve been writing about a lot lately), Buddhist philosophy tells us that the self is an illusion, that our ultimate aim is to transcend our narrow definitions of self.

It wasn’t until I started reading a beautiful book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo, that I realised there was no contradiction. As he notes in his book,

Western psychology places major importance on building a sense of self or ego. Buddhism, in contrast, places major importance on letting go of the illusion of a freestanding, fixed, solid self. These views seem contradictory until we realize that Buddhism presupposes a healthy sense of self. Indeed, first we have to establish a self before we can let go of one.

It all makes complete sense when you consider Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and his contention that self-transcendence (letting go of the self) is the highest on the hierarchy of needs.

Maslow’s modified hierarchy of needs can be further broken down into eight levels.

1. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.
2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.
3. Belongingness and Love needs - work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.
4. Esteem needs - self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.
5. Cognitive needs - knowledge, meaning, etc.
6. Aesthetic needs - appreciation and search for beauty, balance, form, etc.
7. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.
8. Transcendence needs - helping others to achieve self-actualization.

Self-transcendence actually means going beyond a prior form or state of oneself. Mystical experience is thought of as a particularly advanced state of self-transcendence, in which the sense of a separate self is abandoned.

But self-transcendence is not just for mystics. It has some very real-world benefits, according to the Temperament and Character Inventory (TCI) tests:

Self-Transcendence quantifies the extent to which individuals conceive themselves as integral parts of the universe as a whole. Self-transcendent individuals are spiritual, unpretentious, humble, and fulfilled.

These traits are adaptively advantageous when people are confronted with suffering, illness, or death, which is inevitable with advancing age. They are disadvantageous in most modern societies where idealism, modesty, and meditative search for meaning might interfere with the acquisition of wealth and power.

People who are low in Self-Transcendence are described as practical, self-conscious, materialistic, and controlling. Such individuals are expected to be well adapted in most Western societies because of their rational objectivity and materialistic success.

However, they consistently have difficulty accepting suffering, loss of control, personal and material losses, and death, which lead to adjustment problems particularly with advancing age.

Just as you can’t expect a starving man to care about global warming and the environment, you can’t build your higher self on a shaky foundation of low self-esteem. Before you can achieve self-transcendence, you must first meet your basic needs - for self-esteem and self-actualization.

It is not possible to love another person unconditionally, without first learning to love YOURSELF unconditionally. Many so-called spiritual people or mystics simply fail to get this. I’ve seen many of them trying to achieve self-transcendence without establishing a healthy sense of self.

I believe that many so-called mystics are actually gentle, but troubled souls, who use meditation and mysticism as a way to bliss out rather than face reality. In doing this, they’re using meditation as an addiction and just deluding themselves that they’re going to reach a higher plane of existence.

Only when their world comes crashing down do they realise that mysticism and spirituality (or religion) can never substitute for healthy self-love and self-esteem.

Recommended Reading:

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo

Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:

• Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
• Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
• Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
• Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
• Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts€what Richo calls the five A’s€form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A’s, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.

Ten Steps to Self-Respect by Dr. Wayne Dyer

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