Soul Kadee

I don’t mean Dr. Hawking’s theories on the universe and black holes. I mean his reasons for remaining in an allegedly abusive relationship with his wife/nurse, Elaine, for 17 years.

When asked his reason for remaining with her, he supposedly answered, “Any relationship is better than no relationship” (or something to that effect).

Wrong, Dr. Hawking! No relationship is worth staying in if it destroys your self-esteem and poses a threat to your health and well-being.

Because Dr. Hawking suffers from motor neurone disease and is practically an invalid, he’s especially vulnerable to abuse. What I fail to understand, however, is why a man like him tolerated it for so long! I guess intelligence is no guarantee against making stupid choices in relationships.

Women are not the only ones abused. Men are often abused too. Men find it even harder to admit to being abused because of the male ego. I think men are more prone to abuse others physically, while women are more prone to become verbal and emotional abusers (or the passive-agressive types). A man’s ego is a very fragile thing and many women know they can gain power over a man by destroying that.

Women tolerate abuse because of financial or emotional dependence, low self-esteem and for the sake of the kids. But why do men tolerate it? Is it just the shame or the fragile male ego that doesn’t let them admit to abuse? According to BatteredMen.com, some of the feelings men experience in abusive relationships are very similar to what women experience.

Shame: What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me? It’s a private matter - it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she’ll tell everyone I’m the abusive one, and shame me in public. I’m ashamed I’m not strong enough to defend myself. Everyone knows it’s men that are the violent ones [the shame of male for being male].

Self-Worth: I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I’ll ever be able to get.

Denial: It’s not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. [That’s what TV star Phil Hartman said , before his wife murdered him and killed herself.] I can weather this one, just like I did the others.

Reluctance to Give Up the Good: If people got to know her, they’d see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is. She’s like this only some of the time. The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little. I’d be lost without a relationship with her. I’d be lost without a relationship.

Inertia: It’s too hard to do anything. I’m not ready for that much change in my life. I’ll do it tomorrow, or later, when I’m not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now. Force of habit. I’m used to life the way it is now.

The Kids: Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he’ll never be able to come back. In today’s climate, there’s a good chance she’ll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids, and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids.

Fear of having a 911 call turned around: If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs police help.

Why Do Battered Men Stay? has a selection of articles that will help you understand why men stay in abusive relationships or remain silent.

Resources for Abused Men:

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

Insult to Injury: Rethinking our Responses to Intimate Abuse

When She Was Bad…: Violent Women and the Myth of Innocence

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