Soul Kadee

I’m a Quirkyalone - someone who’s content to be on her own and doesn’t feel the need to go on endless dates or be part of a couple.

I admitted as much to Debjani Ray who interviewed me for an article on Quirkyalones in Mumbai for the Sunday’s edition of DNA (Daily News And Analysis). If you can’t access it at that link, download it here.

The article erroneously put my age at 37 and my daughter’s at 6. Actually I’m 36 and she’s 7. Minor detail. Here’s one of the photos they took of me and Sara, outside Infiniti Mall in Andheri.

I enjoyed reading the opinions of the other quirkys quoted in the article, and especially agree with the guy who thinks of relationships as a way to grow and enhance our lives, not a way to escape from loneliness.

You can be lonelier in a bad relationship/marriage, than when single. Better single and happy, than married and miserable, I say. And I see a LOT of “married and miserables” around me nowadays. One more reason to remain single.

Another reason I like being single is because (as I said in the DNA article) I can’t think of sharing my personal space with another person. It would mean too much adjustment, and I don’t need that.

I love my freedom and independence, and am not willing to give that up for anyone right now. I believe in being with someone because I CHOOSE to, not because I HAVE to.

Some people might call that commitment-phobic. But marriage is a lifetime commitment. And, having been in a marriage (which, for the most part, was happy), I take commitment much too seriously to get involved with a man who doesn’t meet my standards of what I want in a partner.

Besides, I don’t know anyone who gets married thinking, “Oh, it’s not going to last anyway, so we might as well have fun for a few years and then, when we’re bored with each other, we’ll get a divorce.” I know Hollywood celebs do it all the time, but do we really need to complicate our lives for the sake of a piece of paper?

It’s not that I’m against marriage. I’m just against marrying for the WRONG reasons. And that includes:

• Feeling lonely or unloved: This comes from a lack of self-love. It’s something no one can give you but yourself. Applies to both men and women.
• Financial security: Women are guilty of this one. But, unless you have a trust fund or a rich dad, being financially independent is essential for a women. So stop letting your brain cells degenerate with those saas-bahu soaps, ladies. Put that education to use and get yourself a career.
• Respectability: No longer a valid reason to get married. Single people and courting couples now get as much respect as smug marrieds. Even in India.
• “My biological clock is ticking”: Having kids is not a good enough reason to get married nowadays. Thanks to celebs like Sushmita Sen, Madonna and Angelina Jolie, single parenting and adoption are now respectable options.
• Fear of old age: Having a spouse to take care of you or be a companion in old age is no reason to get married. Like the lady in the DNA article, I’d rather pay someone to take care of me than marry for that reason. Having a lively social life and a few good friends of my age is all the companionship I need, thank you.
• Wanting someone to “keep house”: This is the #1 reason many of you mama’s boys choose to get married. Shame on you, guys! If you want hot meals and a clean home, learn to do it yourself or pay someone to do it. Your wife is not your servant.

But I think one of the main reasons I’m so content being single is that I have no illusions about Prince Charming coming along on his white horse to save me. In case your mother forgot to tell you, THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING coming to save you. Not now! Not ever!

Not like I need saving anyway. We Aries women (think Scarlett O’Hara) are quite capable of saving his highness’ princely ass, as well as our own, thank you very much.

Sure, I believe in love, but not as an emotion. For me, love is a practice, a way of living and being. Romantic love is far too restrictive to encompass the beautiful expression of caring, giving and compassion that I call love. In a relationship, love is something that grows over time. It happens naturally and can’t be forced.

Nor am I against being in a relationship. I see relationships as a path to personal and spiritual growth. I believe that people are mirrors, reflecting back to us what we need to change in ourselves. In a relationship you learn things about yourself (and others) that you can never learn on your own.

Our partners are sent to us when we have something new to learn. When we act from our higher self and learn our lessons well, we go on to the next level of consciousness. If we choose to act from ego, the lesson will be sent to us again, till we learn it. That’s the reason patterns keep repeating in our relationships (like when you keep attracting abusive men or losers).

I cherish all my relationships, because I’ve learned and grown with each and every person I’ve encountered. And I don’t mean only lovers, although I’ve probably learned much more from them, and am grateful for every precious moment.

I believe that more and more people will choose to become quirkyalones, cohabit, or wait for marriage until they find the right partner. So is marriage a dying institution? I’ll write more on that later, but do leave your thoughts till then.

As far as being a Quirkyalone goes, like the slogan says, “I’m loving it!”

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