Soul Kadee

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Why do I relate so well to this quote by a famous gay writer? Perhaps because, with the news filled with reports of Hollywood-style break-ups and disastrous marriages, it rings true, now more than ever.

It’s like there’s a celeb filing for divorce almost every other day - Jessica and Nick, Britney and K-Fed, Jude and Sienna, and (the real shocker) Reese and Ryan!! And the awful stats on marriage and divorce make you wonder why people bother getting hitched in the first place.

Kids, that’s why! Most people get married when they want to start a family and give their kids legitimacy. Britney clearly had that on her mind from day one. Now that the packages (read, babies) are delivered, K-Fed has become Fed-Ex.

But was it necessary to go through the indignity of a very public marriage and divorce to be a mother? Adoption is, after all, the latest celebrity fad. Instant babies, minus the stretch marks and flab!

You don’t even need two biological parents to care for a child nowadays. An extended family can nuture a child in the absence of one or both biological parents. A grandparent, uncle or aunt can replace the male or female role model, if necessary.

So is marriage becoming an outdated concept in a world of divorces and disposable spouses? As the commitment-phobic man would say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Of course, women have their own version, which is, “Why buy the whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?”

Then, there are those like Alyque Padamsee, the much-married ad-guru of India, who think that marriage should be a 10-year contract (sort of like a US Visa), and be renewed only if both partners wish it. Guess he’s not a long-haul kind of guy.

I think everyone should try marriage at least once! Twice, if they can afford it. Empathizing with the problems married couples endure, and having a repertoire of “married” jokes, is a social skill everyone should acquire.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood

Personally, I loved being married. Like all couples, we had our share of problems, but we adored each other. It helped, of course, that we fell in love in our teens, when neither of us was very picky. Back then things were much simpler, love came easy, and life was very different from the fast-paced, stressful life that we live today.

But, I think the real reason divorce is hitting an all time high, and belief in marriage as an institution is waning, is that the new generation (and young women, in particular) have far more choices open to them today, than their parents ever had.

And by choices I mean the ability, means, and legal sanction to:

- Leave an abusive relationship. Whereas most women of our parent’s generation would have chosen to stay in an abusive relationship (and still do), young women today have much greater support from parents, society and the law, and when faced with that choice, they are more likely to opt out (with good reason).

- Pursue happiness agressively. And whether that means choosing to leave an unfulfilling relationship because of “irreconciliable differences” or career choices, young people have much more legal and societal support than their parents did.

While the aim of being in a happy, fulfilling relationship is worth pursuing, I know how much work and sacrifice (not to mention loyalty and commitment) it takes to make a go of it. And today’s youth are far less committed to their relationships, and less tolerant of differences.

After all, why bother, when it’s so easy to end something that isn’t working and start over with someone new? What they don’t realise, however, is that the issues that plagued them in their old relationships are likely to follow them into the new relationship as well.

My nonchalance about marriage has more to do with the fact that I’ve already fulfilled my biological purpose of providing my parents with a lovely granddaughter they adore. Freed of the need to procreate, I can afford to stay single for the rest of my life, if I so choose. I know, I’m spoiled for choice!

For most young people however (and women, in particular), the pressure to settle down and have kids makes many of them rush into marriage without assessing the suitability of the person they’ve chosen as a life partner.

The question, then, is not whether marriage is an outdated institution, but whether YOU and your partner are marriage-material. Do you both have what it takes to make a good marriage? Are you truly ready for marriage and all it entails?

Here are some things to consider if you’re in a relationship or planning to take the plunge.

Know What You Want

It’s smart to date until you have the MATURITY and CLARITY to know what you want from yourself and your partner, before you decide to settle down. Dating allows you to learn more about the opposite sex, teaches you what sort of people to avoid, and helps you understand how to deal with problems that crop up.

Don’t Rush Things

Instead of giving in to the heady emotion that accompanies “falling in love” and rushing into a commitment you might regret, take the time to get to know each other for at least TWO TO THREE YEARS (anything before that is a risk) before deciding whether you want to spend your lives together. Ending a relationship can be painful, but it’s much less painful than a divorce, especially when there are kids involved (ask Britney and K-Fed).

Live In The Moment

Instead of keeping one eye on the goal (marriage) and pressuring your partner into a commitment, learn to live in the moment, appreciate your partner for who they are, and enjoy your time together. Take every relationship as a learning experience, because that’s exactly what it is.

Educate Yourself

Learn what it takes and doesn’t take to build a great relationship together. Is the opposite sex a mystery to you? You can learn how they think and feel from self-help and relationship books. I learned a great deal about men and relationships from the books I’ve read (I recommend some on my site). Check out this selection of books on relationships and marriage.

Get Your Act Together

If you have problems handling your emotions, have codependent tendencies, or addictions (that can be lethal to a relationship), approach a counsellor and learn healthy ways to communicate with your partner, manage anger, deal with disappointment, stress and sexual needs. These skills will stand you in good stead when your marriage hits the inevitable bumps along the way.

Deserve What You Want

I’m reading an ebook of that name by Scot McKay, and highly recommend it if you’re widowed/divorced and looking at getting into the dating scene the second time around. It shows you how to take charge of your own dating life and attract a good partner by (surprise, surprise) becoming a great partner yourself (I wrote an article on this here). You can download a preview of Deserve What You Want here. I also recommend Be the Person You Want to Find : Relationship and Self-Discovery by Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher.

I’m the first one to admit that I’m definitely NOT marriage material right now. For one, I’m fiercely independent and focused on my home and career. And second, my plate is too full for me to take on the additional responsibility of caring for another person.

That might change in the future, but for now, I’ll just take my own advice, live in the now, be my quirky self, and appreciate the love and abundance in my life.

‘Do not dwell in the past, Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate your mind on the present moment’.
- Buddha

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