Soul Kadee

One of the reasons women end up ruining a beautiful relationship is that they are desperate for a commitment or a proposal from their man.

But believing that marriage is going to make you happy is like a thirsty man running towards a mirage in a desert. It’s a false belief that will quickly evaporate once you reach your destination.

After my last post, “Are You Marriage Material?“, I came across a great bit of advice on marriage and relationships by a guy called Dr. Neder, author of “Being A Man In A Woman’s World.”

I so totally agreed with the points he made that I thought all women should read them. Dr. Neder explains exactly why your flawed thinking about marriage is keeping you from the happiness you deserve.

First of all, marriage isn’t a “relationship”, it’s a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together, dating exclusively, dating non-exclusively, triads, quadrads, those with kids, those without kids, those with pets, etc., etc., etc. There are literally thousands of different relationship formats out there. None is more “valid” than any other.

Second of all, being married doesn’t give you any more security than not being married. He can leave you just as well as he can now.

Third of all, men and women view marriage as very different things. Women see marriage as security (false, as I’ve already explained), future, family, status, and many other things. Men on the other hand see marriage as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, having a business partner to share in all of their decisions, and many other negative things. With this understanding, it’s a wonder that any man gets married in the first place!

Fourth of all, if being married is so gosh-darn important to you, what are you waiting for? I’d bet you can find someone in the next 30 days that would marry you if you just ask enough people. Then, you’d finally be happy, right? Everything would be just fine because you’re married and you wouldn’t have to go through all of this, right? Of course not. Marriage has little to do with happiness. Trust me on this.

Fifth of all, consider that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce. Of the 1/2 that survive, how many of them do you think that the people in them report as being “happy”? Do you think it’s 90%? Do you think it’s 75%? Nope: only 30% of married partners claim that they’re “happy” inside the marriage! That means that 15% of all marriages are happy. Those aren’t very good odds!

I’m not trying to paint a bleak picture here of marriage for you, but I’m trying to help you change your focus. Marriage isn’t the goal - having a good, solid, happy relationship; where all people involved (even your kids) should be the goal. Whatever form that relationship takes to make it this way is the one you really want, right? Frankly, if you’re that focused on the marriage and are willing to give up all the other things that are so important, as I’ve already said, you’re really missing the boat here.

FACT: If you’re miserable when single, you’ll be miserable when married. As long as you keep believing that you need another person to “complete” you, you will be chasing a mirage of happiness, and end up disappointed every time.

In fact, the easiest way to drive away a man is to make him responsible for your happiness. If your happiness comes with a price tag (I would be happy if only he did this or that) he’s not going to stick around for long. And he’ll be right to leave, because no one needs that kind of pressure.

Understand that happiness is a choice, and your happiness depends on only one person - YOU. All misery is the result of either living in the past or worrying about the future. By worrying about the future of your relationship, you are ruining a perfectly good present.

When you learn to live in the moment, you will be free to enjoy your partner’s company and appreciate what he contributes to your life. Not 2, 3 or 5 years from today, but now, in this very minute.

Our limiting beliefs about marriage (that if he doesn’t propose in 2 to 3 years it’s time to call it off) are what prevent many women from staying in what would otherwise be happy, fulfilling relationships. But who makes these rules? And where do these beliefs come from? Family, parents, society, conditioning.

To be truly happy and content is to be free of these limiting beliefs that govern our lives. When we stop judging, compartmentalising and labelling our relationships according to the dictates of culture and society, when we learn to take life as it comes, we’ll be able to see our partners for who they truly are - fellow travellers on a journey called life.

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