Why Insecure Men Turn Off Women
February 22nd, 2007, 8:30 pm by Priya Florence Shah
Filed under Empathy, Attraction, Empowering Women, Intuition, Love, Self-Love, Self-Awareness, Happiness, Self-Improvement, Relationships, Attitude, Personal Growth, Wellness, Thoughts
Finally! A man who talks about all the unattractive things men do, a few of which I outlined in a post titled, What I Find Sexy In A Man.
As Brian Caniglia notes, the cardinal sins listed here all have a common thread of insecurity - the #1 feature that would disgust any normal, healthy woman.
- JEALOUSY
- NEEDINESS
- COMPENSATION (or, in my opinion, making money an issue)
- COMING ON TOO STRONG TOO SOON
- CENTERING LIFE AROUND HER (or not keeping a balance)
- TRYING TOO HARD
- BRAGGING
- BEING SHEEPISH
As he summarises in the article,
EVERY SINGLE ONE of these mistakes that men make which drive women away are caused by, or indicative of INSECURITY! Insecurity repels women. Which is perfectly logical because insecurity means BIG problems for women (abuse, mental problems, “baggage,” etc.) so if they even sense it, if they are healthy themselves, they will lose interest and leave. Can you blame them? I can’t.
Luckily, the opposite is also true. CONFIDENCE ATTRACTS WOMEN, INSECURITY REPELS THEM. Women are DRAWN to real self-confidence like metal to a magnet. NOTHING is more attractive than a confident, competent man. Women are attracted to men with goals, desires, and opinions. Men who are secure and proud of who they are. Men who aren’t afraid to be themselves. Men who love to get the most out of life and aren’t afraid to achieve. MEN THEY CAN RESPECT!
Totally agree with him there!
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Subhojit Dasgupta said,
February 23rd, 2007, 6:48 am
Yes ! I agree too…
But as Men, we do have a right to goof up once in a while…especially when it comes to women
Haha haha lol
Priya Florence Shah said,
February 23rd, 2007, 4:15 pm
Oh yes! And it’s up to us point it out when you do.
Who Else?? said,
February 26th, 2007, 7:40 am
In my grandfathers days there was no men bashing!! and they lived Happily ever after!!
Todays woman knows her rights!! and whats wrong with men!!!,,,,, and most of them dont live happily ever after!!!
What do you say to that??? hahahahahaha!!
Priya Florence Shah said,
February 26th, 2007, 2:26 pm
The only reason there was no men-bashing then was because women who did that got bashed up… by the men. Wife-bashing was the macho thing to do then.
Now that men only behave like Neanderthals some of the time, we feel more free to take pot shots at them. And I’ve noticed that you men have no issues with taking pot shots at women and their follies.
All’s fair in love and war, na?
Lola said,
May 7th, 2008, 11:50 am
Insecure men are really hard to deal with. If a woman is secure, they will try to undermine their achievements, their place in their life even if they are themsleves quite successful (men:. I find it really difficult to deal with men who are divirced. They seem to need extra care and are quite needy, but bieng males, they will not show it and pretend to be the mucho type, which is not a pretty easy site.
I think that people after divorce need to heal, insted of jumping into another relationship. I personally understand the pain, but I am also selfish enough to walk away from a man who transfers the pain form the divorce onto me. It is not easy for both sides and I wish there were more people after the divorce who are brave enough to finally come to conclusin that it should not be taken personally. It is difficult, yet, only then, they are able to learn form previous experiance about themselves.
Myron said,
June 2nd, 2008, 12:03 pm
I wish I found this before a woman landed her back side on my legs (nearly breaking them!) as she needed the Dutch coutrage to tell me that she loves me. Only think is with past problems in my life she ended up netting a 38 year old man (now 39 year old) who’s lead a very sheltered and compartmentalised life. Never EVER had a relationship. It’s moved so fast and it does not help that she’s also insecure because of past problems. Wonderful! Two insecure people felling in love! Thing is, over the past 10 years I’ve become better and my life values were that of my mum and dad who get together, had nothing, stayed together for life and actually achieved a lot. Dad’s passed away, but I’m still with mum and we don’t owe a penny to anyone apart from the usual bills, but always everything paid off in full.
I never really realised that me experiencing my first relationship would cause me to go so scatty and it’s always in the back of my head that I could lose her, but right from the start I have her a get-out clause.
I think I’m only now, after quite a number of weeks, soon will be talking and typing `months`, I’m beginning to realise that it could be me making her doubt me and I don’t want that.
I have been described as a very rare breed of man. I respect Claire, I love her, I miss her, I feed off her joy and the joy of her children. Even her youngest has accepted me as she’s slapped me silly about the head. She’s only 5. I so really with to be with her for life and I want to teach her how I managed to dig myself out of a hold I get into before she ends up digging her hole too deep.
I should have done a Google search of +”why are men more insecure” weesk ago.
I’m all the above apart from a few exceptions.
JEALOUSY - Maybe a little, but I really care a lot for Claire’s welfair and happiness.
COMPENSATION - Brick wall between those two when it comes to money and I really give way more than I wish back. To the point what sometimes I’m worried if I might be the one getting used.
COMING ON TOO STRONG TOO SOON - NEVER! I respect her too much!
BRAGGING - I don’t brag. I’m always honest and truthful, even if the truth hurts.
I got to learn about myself before I really risk losing her.
I’m now really realising that at this age, having the first ever close relationship is NOT an easy thing to do. I’m lucky I’ve not yet lost her. How? I don’t know. We must really love each other that much. At least it’s not a blind love. We are learning how much we are also a pain in the backside. I think we are also slowly learning how to compromise and talk things through. That is one big problem I think. In a relationship people shout at each other too much and don’t listen. I believe even the worst situations can be solved without ever raising a hand or voice.
Vulcanmind said,
June 4th, 2008, 6:36 am
You’re too focused on being a good boy here, my man. I’m sure your mom would be proud of you, if you’re secretly hoping she reads this and rejoices at at how mature sonnyboy has turned out to be. But we’re not talking about mommy here, are we? We’re talking about Myron the Man. at least, one would hope we are, ’cause this is a man-woman relationship that’s under discussion. Let’s stick to that and not mix this your role in this up with some 2008 version of Norman Bates in ‘Psycho’.
Here’s the deal. You are human, and so is Claire. She knows just as much about what she wants as you do about what you’re delivering, and vice versa. Unless she’s actually some highly evolved female life-form from Betelgeuse, she doesn’t know what she’s looking for - no woman does. She’s hoping that you are something that she’ll grow to like. Whatever positive vibes you feel emanating from her towards you at this early stage are merely the relationship equivalent of a social ‘good morning’. She’s waiting to see what you turn out to be in the long run, because for a woman, the long run is all that matters.
Women have this strange, inexplicable habit of wanting their men to be men. There is no known instance of a mouse passing muster in this context. Also - men are essentially HUMAN. That means they have failings, because the human being is a flawed piece of work. If Claire smells the reek of perfection on you, you will sooner or later get the air from her. No woman can abide the presence of a perfect man in the light of her instinctive knowledge of her own imperfect state.
Okay, more about men as humans. Humans - both men and women - experience the FULL gamut of vile and virtuous emotions, no matter how much they kid themselves. So, they experience jealousy, they overcompensate because they doubt their own value, they come on too strong because they’re scared of losing the prize to a better specimen, and they brag - not least of all about NOT bragging. Humility is a strange thing, dude - the second you think you have it, you don’t. And that’s okay, because NO human being is truly humble.
About friction is relationships - there NEEDS TO BE FRICTION. In that context, a relationship that hasn’t been there, done that and bought the T-shirt is about as satisfying, convincing and sustainable as a victory won because the other party rolled over and hollered ‘Uncle’ before the first shot was fired. It will NOT stand the test of time. If you have managed to avert arguments with Claire so far, you are strongly advised to catalyze a couple as soon as possible. Both of you need to know how the other looks with the gloves on and off. You need to know if you fight fair, because fight you will. Oh, yes, indeedy. there will be fights - about real and perceived assaults on personal space ramparts, about money, about accountability, about kids, about relatives and friends… unless either of you has none of these, of course.
So go out there, buy your sparring gloves and look forward to the first chance both of you get to throw some serious punches and drag this relationship from La-La land to Ground Zero reality.
Debra said,
February 22nd, 2009, 11:47 pm
well said
Trying to break loose said,
May 22nd, 2009, 3:30 am
Currently involved with an insecure man who always plays the victim role. Anytime I say “no” to him about any small or big thing he feels rejected and attempts to justify why I should say “yes” to him. How if it was him he would do it for me or give it to me. At times I do feel guilty and sorry for him and think to myself poor guy. However for the most part he is draining me, I am tired of defending my actions and lying to him just to spend time alone and have peace and quiet. He always has to be in my face and when we are away from each other my phone phone rings now stop. What you described above hits the nail on the head. Don’t want to confuse anyone…..all in all can be sweet as pie, however the negatives are starting to out weigh the positives….how do I break this off without breaking his heart, my heart and causing further damage?
Vulcanmind said,
May 22nd, 2009, 3:46 am
According to me, how you tackle this would depend on whether you merely tolerate his presence because you feel sorry for him, or whether you really love him. If he means nothing to you - and, more importantly, if helping him change does not seem worth your time - then jettisoning him would be the only option. Tell him that you find his approach to the relationship draining and give him the old, patented ‘let’s just be friends’ line. No man on earth is dense enough not to know what THAT one means. You’d have to live with some residual guilt for a while, but that’ll go away when he finds someone else to lay his act on.
If you really love him, you would want to see him change - not only so that he’s less of a drag for you to be with, but also so that his life becomes a little more manageable, dignified and interesting for him generally. If so, tell him that he will have to get professional help if he doesn’t want you to bail out of this relationship. Then help him find a good therapist - and assure him that you will attend a few sessions yourself if the therapist wants you to. That would probably do you some good, too… after all, the fact that YOU lack the assertiveness to ask for what you want in this relationship doesn’t say much about your own self-esteem, either.
In short, figure out whether you need to make a ‘I’ or ‘We’ decision on this one - and then make that decision and act on it.
Reshia said,
April 24th, 2010, 6:02 am
I have been in a relationship for over a year now. My finance has accused me of messing around since day one, which i never did. He calls me all the time to check up onme. He wants to know why I ampushing him away. I told him when he accuses me he attacks my identity and my self worth. He will never believe me. I am so tired of defending myself.