Soul Kadee

We women can be such stupid, self-sacrificing martyrs sometimes. And that especially applies in our relationships. I see so many amazing women willing to date and/or marry men who are simply not worth their while. And, I confess, I used to be one of them.

Is it a result of our conditioning that we’re willing to accept less than respectful behaviour from men in relationships? Is it our codependent tendencies that cause us to choose dysfunctional men who need “rescuing”?

Is it our cultural conditioning that makes us put a man’s needs above our own? What is it that makes so many educated and intelligent Indian women settle for arranged marriages with men they feel little or no attraction for?

Should we blame women’s liberation - or women themselves - for allowing men to think that they can have their cake without having to make a commitment in relationships?

The younger generation of Indian women are increasingly open about sex. As long as they practice safe sex, I fully support their desire to experiment, as a natural process of exploring and establishing one’s sexual preferences.

Many Indian marriages become unsatisfying for one or both partners, because women remain sexually ignorant till after the wedding, and some end up learning about their husband’s sexual perversions only when it’s too late.

The danger with casual sex, however, is that women tend to misinterpret a man’s readiness to have sex as a desire for a long-term commitment. And this misconception is not restricted to Indian culture. It applies to women everywhere.

It’s sad when we women end up devaluing ourselves and our bodies, by using sex as bait to “get and keep a man”. We need to understand that this is not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship, based on mutual respect and affection.

According to Sandra L. Brown, M. A., counselor and author of How To Spot A Dangerous Man (which I am currently reading and highly recommend), it’s low self-esteem that makes women willing participants in the process of settling for a less than desirable mate. She writes that,

Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying, and healthy relationship is a reflection of a woman’s low esteem level.

Often women settle for undesirable men, unsatisfying relationships, or marriages of convenience, out of loneliness, or the fear that they won’t get anyone better.

Yes, it’s a self-esteem issue. And one I battled myself, until I realised that, if I don’t value myself, and expect the best that life has to offer me, why should anyone else value me?

Lack of self-love and self-esteem destroys a woman’s belief in herself, and tricks her into thinking that she doesn’t deserve any better than the loser who -

• Can’t hold a steady job
• Doesn’t believe in monogamy
• Abuses and beats up on women
• Has a criminal record
• Is addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, work, sports (take your pick)
• Has mental health issues
• Doesn’t value her
• Is commitment-phobic
• Is a mama’s boy (my pet hate!)

The scary thing is that many women don’t even see some of these issues as a problem. We imbibe so many disempowering beliefs from our family, society and popular culture.

What message does it send when we see beautiful women, like Zarina Wahab, turn a blind eye to their husband’s indiscretions, so they don’t have to face the truth about their bad marriage?

What does it say to Indian women when we see desirable women like Aishwarya Rai, tolerate abuse at the hands of a dangerous, narcisstic man like Salman Khan (thank heaven she redeemed herself by making Provoked)?

Or, closer home, when we see our own parents choosing to stay in a bad or abusive marriage, instead of choosing the happiness they deserve.

According to the Law of Attraction, the Universe gives you whatever you ASK for. But only if you truly believe you DESERVE IT. If you indicate, by your actions, that you’re willing to settle for less, then less is what you’ll get.

So, if you’re willing to settle for a man who abuses you, is emotionally unavailable or mentally unhinged, or for the married man who’ll be “out of his marriage any day now,” you’re essentially telling the Universe, “I DON’T BELIEVE I DESERVE a healthy, loving man who truly values and cherishes me for myself.”

When I realised that I had to love and value myself before I could expect anyone else to love and value me, I decided never to get involved with a man who was not capable of the kind of relationship I desire.

In reality, it was not that simple. After my husband passed away two years ago, I should have realised that my grief would impair my judgement and self-esteem, and stayed away from relationships until I’d healed completely.

As it happened, I did get into a long-term, on-off relationship, with a man who genuinely cared for me and helped me heal. The only problem was that neither of us expected or wanted it to be “permanent”.

Today, I’ve learned that these transitory relationships are sometimes meant to help us heal and open up to love again, after experiencing a painful loss or break-up. It certainly helped me realise that I was capable of loving again.

I learned a great deal about myself in that relationship, and will always cherish my memories of it. But, even though I believe in living in the moment, I knew that, sooner or later, I’d have to take the painful decision to move on.

While learning about the Law Of Attraction, I realised that the reason I was attracting emotionally unavailable men into my life, was because I was emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic myself. We attract who we ARE, says the LOA.

So, here I was, willing to settle for a low-maintenance relationship, because of my own fears of intimacy, engulfment and commitment. We women, however, are not built for such relationships, and I think feminism has done women a great disservice by allowing us to believe otherwise.

Sex is a bonding experience for most women. And, if you’re the sort of woman whose been in a committed, monogamous relationship most of her adult life, you’re deluding yourself if you think that you’re capable of having a “bit of fun” without damaging your fragile self-esteem.

In her post on not lowering your standards, mental health therapist, Jennifer, notes that,

While compromise is essential to having a really healthy partnership, there is never a reason you should feel it necessary in a relationship to give up your personal standards of morality, integrity, or decency. Any guy who requires you to lower your personal standards is not a good match for you.

This is not about one way, belief, or ideal being better than another, nor is it about one way of living being the “right” way. It is about you remaining true to your personal standards and finding a guy who respects and honors your truths and ideals.

Women that alter or lower their personal or religious views or standards for a man typically find themselves feeling unauthentic and harmed by the relationship.

I know today, that I deserve far better than what I was getting in my last relationship, but also realise that it’s completely up to me to face and conquer my own fears, before I’m capable of healthy intimacy once more.

I decided to come clean and admit that romantic relationships are not high on of my list of priorities right now. I’m at a stage in life where I’d rather read a good book or watch a good movie, than spend precious time and energy on a man.

Today, my business, my daughter, and my spiritual growth are the most important things in my life. So, rather than attract another unfulfilling relationship, I decided to take a “time-out” from the dating scene for a while.

It might seem a bit extreme, but there are times in life when you need to take a step back to introspect, commit to healing yourself, and focus on the things that are truly important to you.

Besides, it feels so good to admit that I’m no longer willing to settle for a relationship in which I don’t feel valued. It’s my way of nurturing and honouring myself and my feelings.

Relationship expert, Barbara de Angelis, notes that

Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

Taking a “relationship time-out” doesn’t mean I’m closed to being friends with a man. It just means that I value myself too much to settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate me as a person or want to be in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with me.

Sandra L. Brown writes in How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that

Women everywhere could benefit from taking a time out from dating. Unfortunately, few women give themselves time off from dating because of a fear of being alone.

She explains that a dating “time-out” can give us some much-needed healing time, to put ourselves first and focus on our own recovery, on the changes we need to see in our thinking, and on examining how previous relationship problems occurred in our lives.

Self-awareness - understanding yourself, becoming aware of your fears, your reactions, your patterns, and listening to your intuition - is really the best defense against bad dating choices.

Today, I know I can be happy with or without a man. I don’t need a man to “complete me”. I’ve never felt more whole and complete as a person, and am no longer willing to lower my standards for any one. Here’s hoping more women will be inspired to do the same.

Recommended Reading:

Self-worth and Self-esteem

Learning to Love… Myself

Settling for Less Than God’s Best: A Relationship Check-Up for Single Women

Settling For Less

The Relationship Mistake of Settling

The Problem of “Settling”

Too Close Too Soon: Avoiding the Heartache of Premature Intimacy

Boundaries in Dating

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