Way before Cinderella, and her wimpy ilk, waited for a prince to rescue them from their misery, women have been looking to a man to make them happy.
Indian culture (and Bollywood movies) also perpetuated the Pati-Parmeshwar myth - that a woman should look up to her husband as “God”.
Sati (widow burning) - a perversion of the scriptures, banned by law many decades ago - was the outcome of the belief that a woman cannot have an existence, or an identity, without her husband.
Out Of The Dark Ages? Not Yet…
It’s true that, in ancient times, a woman’s survival depended on her ability to attract a man who would provide for her. Today, however, women have many more options.
We no longer live in the dark ages, but thousands of years of evolution and cultural conditioning are proving difficult to eliminate overnight.
So, even in this enlightened day and age, you’ll find women all over the globe, who are desperate to find a man to “complete” them, and provide for them.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a mate, someone you can spend a lifetime with. It can be wonderful to have someone to love, hold and cherish.
The problem arises when you start depending on your mate to help you heal your childhood wounds, and make you happy or whole. That’s your therapist/healer’s job, not his.
No one but you, has the power to make you happy. When you give that power over to someone else, when you look outside of yourself for love and acceptance, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
As How To Have a Healthy Relationship notes,
Do not expect anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. Being happy is your own job and you are the only person that can do it. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way.
The truth is that no one has the ability to make another person happy, but often we can share in another’s happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.
Expecting too much from your mate, and making him responsible for your happiness, is destructive to your relationship. Not even a saint can live up to that sort of expectation.
Sacrifice Is Not The Solution
Beware, if your man actually wants that you depend on him for everything, and urges you to give up your interests, hobbies or career to take care of him and his needs (like Kay Kay Menon’s character in Life In A Metro, a must-watch movie).
These men are usually extremely insecure, and afraid of women who are strong, independent, and likely to leave them if they behave badly.
Every woman deserves to have a fulfilling life of her own, and an identity beyond being a housewife and mother.
When you give up things that fulfil you and nurture your spirit, for someone else’s demands (like Shilpa Shetty’s character in the same movie), you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, frustration, disillusionment and disappointment.
A healthy relationship is based on compromise, not sacrifice. Women who choose to sacrifice their happiness for others usually end up as bitter, negative and nagging.
Choosing to take responsibility for your own needs will not only take the pressure off your relationship, but help you realise your self-worth as a person.
What If He’s Abusive?
But what about an abusive relationship, you ask? Isn’t he the one who’s perpetrating the abuse and making you unhappy?
Yes, but, in a relationship between two adults, the only reason he can do that to you is because you LET him. As a grown woman, you’re an intelligent, thinking human being, with the power to make your own choices.
If, at the first instance of abuse, you don’t walk out, or report an abusive man to the authorities, you’re teaching him that you’ll stay with him and tolerate his behaviour, no matter how he treats you or makes you feel.
Learning To Love Yourself
If you allow anyone to overstep your boundaries, or refuse to set limits to what you will tolerate, you’re showing them that you don’t love or respect yourself enough to leave the relationship.
Some women complain that they give a lot, and do a lot for others, but no one does anything for them. These women are usually codependents, people pleasers who depend on other people’s appreciation for their self-esteem.
They don’t realise that people only treat you the way you treat yourself. So, if you don’t respect yourself and allow yourself to be a doormat, that’s exactly how others in your life will treat you.
Choosing To Be Miserable
It takes just as much energy to decide to be happy as it does to be miserable. So why do so many women choose the latter?
After listening to many women complain about their lives, and what their men did to them, I realised that the payoff they get from remaining in their situation, is being able to complain and be a victim.
Many women have invested so much of their lives in playing the victim, that they have no reason to leave a bad relationship, because they’d no longer get the attention and sympathy they get by staying miserable.
And since misery loves company, you’ll often find these women with negative attitudes, sitting together, bitching about women who chose to put their own happiness first.
What Women Can Learn From Men
One of the things I respect about men, is that they refuse to complain about their problems. Complaining in a man is seen as a sign of weakness.
You’ll rarely find men venting about their problems to their wives. Except for the negative, complaining types (yes there are men like that, also), most prefer to find a solution and talk about it afterward. Women have a lot to learn from this attitude.
It’s ok to vent from time to time. But, as Dr. Margaret Paul, author of Inner Bonding, points out, many women use venting as an addiction, to avoid taking responsibility for their feelings, without exploring how they are responsible for creating their upsets, with no motivation to learn or change.
One reason, I believe, traditional psychotherapy fails to help such people is that it validates the expression of negativity, often for years.
With little or no encouragement to become more mindful and self-aware of how one’s attitudes are contributing to one’s own misery, patients are caught in a vicious loop that benefits no one but the therapist.
If you need to get rid of your negativity, use a diary or journal to write down your thoughts instead. Bitching and negativity will only send out more of the vibrations that you want to avoid.
Happiness Is A Choice
Fact: The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. How you react to any situation is less a reflection of what happens, than how you respond to what happens. Happiness is more a result of YOUR state of mind, than the state of the world.
There are people who can retain their optimism in even the worst of circumstances. And there are those who cannot be happy in any circumstances.
Your attitude is YOUR CHOICE. No one can make you miserable if you don’t LET them.
As this wonderful quote by Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, says,
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
Take Responsibility For Your Choices
As 8 Ways To Happiness notes, you need to take ownership of your emotions and be responsible for the choices you make. And if you don’t like a situation in your life, you’re the only one who can change it.
If you’re in an unhappy relationship, explore the reasons why you’re unhappy. If it’s because you think your mate must do such-and-such to make you happy, you’re giving up power over your own life and expecting too much from him.
If he’s the same man you married, remember that you CHOSE him, and that expecting him to change for you is unfair.
If he’s changed and has abdicated his responsibilities or hurt you, then you need to take a serious look at whether you’re still compatible, and make your choices accordingly.
Just remember that change is inevitable. And if you and your mate can’t grow together and adjust through all life’s ups and downs, your relationship is not likely to stand the test of time.
So, instead of blaming your mate, your mother-in-law or anyone else for your misery, change your attitude and beliefs, and take the steps YOU need to take to be happy.
Taking responsibility for your own needs, your happiness and your life, is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself - and the only way to make your relationships work.
As I tell my daughter, if Cinderella had any sense, she’d have kicked her abusive step-mom and step-sisters out (after all, the house did belong to her legally) and got a life of her own.
I’m just glad that my daughter has better role models than weepy, disempowered women who refuse to take responsibility for their own happiness.
Related posts:
Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre
Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man
Stupid Mistake #7: Neglecting Yourself
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