Soul Kadee

I believe that we’re all wounded souls, here on Earth to complete our karma and work on becoming a better human being. All relationships are our lessons, and people our teachers. Our relationships are mirrors that reveal our flaws, and the people in our lives are only reflections of the energy that we put out.

Imagine my shock, then, when I realised that in my own relationships, I’ve been attracting men who were either self-absorbed, controlling and narcissistic, or clingy, insecure and needed “fixing”. I knew it was time to do some serious soul-searching, and reflect on what it was in me that was attracting such people.

As I became more self-aware, I came to realise that I had codependent tendencies (tended to give too much) and weak boundaries (had a hard time saying “no”), that literally made me a magnet for the wrong sort of men.

Weak boundaries seem to be a common issue with those who are highly sensitive and empaths. For people like me, one of the most important life lessons is learning how to set boundaries in relationships. So, I decided I needed a time-out from dating, to work on strengthening my boundaries and learning assertiveness skills.

What is a boundary and what does it mean to set your boundaries? Rinatta Paries explains in her article, Setting Boundaries In Relationships, that

A boundary is a DIVIDING LINE between you and anyone else, even a loved one. The line represents both physical and emotional limits others may not VIOLATE.

A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt, outrage, etc. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone, even your most loved one, from crossing the line with you.

Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth, your self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are WORTHY of care.

Without boundaries, we often end up giving and giving, until we have nothing left to give in our relationships. We end up feeling used, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or violated because we lacked the courage to speak up and assert ourselves when we needed to.

As Robert Burney, author of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, notes

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

The first step in setting personal boundaries is becoming aware of how and why you are allowing others to violate them. Read Ten Rights Of An Assertive Individual to understand what issues you should start setting boundaries for.

Coping.org has some of the best information on learning to set boundaries, and the comprehensive article here explains why low self-esteem is one of the primary reasons we allow others to violate our boundaries.

People with low self-esteem have their major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others.

This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened “internal locus of control” and become dependent on a strong “external locus of control.” They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.

People with low self-esteem are dependent on others’ approval and recognition and are therefore fearful of rejection by and conflict with others. It has been estimated in the self-esteem literature that over 90 percent of us are suffering from low self-esteem at one degree or another. Therefore most people in relationships are currently suffering from low self-esteem or recovering from it.

While it’s easier to walk out of a relationship that is clearly abusive, it’s not so easy to leave a codependent or caregiving relationship with an addict or dysfunctional person. It’s like the addictive relationship between Kate Moss and her fiance, Pete Doherty, that, despite very public stints in rehab, allows them both to enable each other’s cocaine addiction.

For Indian women, or those from cultural backgrounds where unhealthy stereotypes of women are glorified - as in the “woman-as-martyr” theme in Indian mythology (Sita in the Ramayana) and the Sati-Savitri of Hindi cinema - the risk is even greater, because of the pressure to “stick by your man” in times of trouble. No matter that he has an abusive, addictive, or dyfunctional personality.

The younger generation of women seems to be rejecting this harmful stereotyping, but the “Mama’s boys” in our male population are still waiting for a woman who will take care of them and do for them what any healthy adult should be able to do for himself (see Codependence and the Indian Male). Little wonder, then, that so many Indian marriages are disintegrating under the pressure of dual-income homes.

But boundaries are not only required between intimate partners. It’s essential to learn to set boundaries in ANY relationship, whether at work, with your boss, co-workers, and customers, or at home, with your parents, children, family and in-laws. Children who grow up without boundaries become incapable of discipline, are in danger or being either spoiled or neglected, and go on to have dysfunctional relationships of their own.

As Indians, we’re taught to respect elders, so we tend to have more difficulty setting healthy boundaries with older people, like parents and in-laws. This unhealthy tolerance of elders’ interference is not just irritating and destructive to marriages. It often leads to the abuse, torture and dowry deaths, that we read about almost everyday.

As far as elders are concerned, my take is that they do deserve respect, but only if also they treat YOU with respect. Respect must be EARNED, in my opinion. And the best way to earn my respect, is by treating ME the way you wish to be treated. I avoid people, elders or otherwise, who behave in a disrespectful, critical or controlling manner with me. And that includes those who insist on giving me unsolicited, “helpful” advice.

If you come from a dysfunctional family (where one or both parents were alcoholic, addicts, abusive, absent or suffered from a mental illness) you may not even know what a healthy relationship looks like. The Coping.org website describes what a healthy, intimate relationship looks like here.

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship.

A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.

A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

Sandra Brown, M.A., writes in her ebook, How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that healthy boundaries (or the lack of them) are the most important indication of whether or not a man is a capable of being in a healthy relationship.

If you’ve been getting into relationships with men who lie or cheat, are married or unavailable, needy, clingy, dysfunctional, manipulative, exploitative, violent, abusive, pathological, or harm you in any way, you need to get a copy of her book now.

However, blaming society, family, cultural conditioning, or the man you’re involved with, is not helpful. It reduces you to playing a victim’s role, and takes away your power. If you want things to change, you need to take responsibility for the role you played in ALLOWING your partner to behave the way he did, and accept that any change has to come from inside you.

That includes learning to spot the signs that you’re violating your own boundaries in a relationship, learning healthy ways to express yourself when setting boundaries (minus anger and blame), and doing the work it takes to build healthy boundaries.

Many of us are afraid of setting boundaries because we don’t want to change the status quo in our relationships. We worry that setting boundaries will “upset the applecart”, and even break up a relationship or marriage.

Yes, there’s a distinct possibility that, when we change the dynamics of a relationship, we risk losing the other person. I’ve had men complain bitterly about my “rules”, and I’ve dumped men for disrespecting me, taking me for granted, standing me up, or asking me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with (like lending them money).

I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And if we’re willing to let them cross the line even once, it becomes harder and harder to push it back. When we don’t make rules for how we let ourselves be treated, we are not being loving to ourselves. And the more we ignore our own needs and put other’s needs above our own, the more we harm our own self-esteem.

Today, I’d gladly accept the risk of ending a relationship, if it means that I’m taking care of myself and protecting my well-being. I know that being good to myself is more important than trying to save a relationship that is not right for me in the first place.

I realised that if I want to be loving to myself, I need to state very clearly what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. I know today, that the only way to be in a healthy relationship, is to demand to be treated with the respect and consideration I deserve.

Toltec teacher, Don Miguel Ruiz, writes in an article on Boundaries that

We can create acceptable boundaries with people whose emotional poison we do not want to eat. When we respect ourselves, we will not allow disrespect from anybody else. This is not selfishness, it’s self-love. The controlling aspect is selfishness–wanting a partner to stay with us even if we are in hell. If we go into relationships because, “Oh I need you so much,” it’s selfishness, not self-love.

Relationships can be so wonderful. We can be completely open and loving. But just because we love someone, that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their anger, jealousy or abuse. We don’t need to be abused, and we can’t send out our abuse either.

Recommended Reading:

How To Spot A Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown, M.A.

Supreme Self-Esteem for Women

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child - Highly recommended.

Boundaries by Don Miguel Ruiz

Books on Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Appropriately

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Improving Assertive Behavior

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