Soul Kadee

I believe that we’re all wounded souls, here on Earth to complete our karma and work on becoming a better human being. All relationships are our lessons, and people our teachers. Our relationships are mirrors that reveal our flaws, and the people in our lives are only reflections of the energy that we put out.

Imagine my shock, then, when I realised that in my own relationships, I’ve been attracting men who were either self-absorbed, controlling and narcissistic, or clingy, insecure and needed “fixing”. I knew it was time to do some serious soul-searching, and reflect on what it was in me that was attracting such people.

As I became more self-aware, I came to realise that I had codependent tendencies (tended to give too much) and weak boundaries (had a hard time saying “no”), that literally made me a magnet for the wrong sort of men.

Weak boundaries seem to be a common issue with those who are highly sensitive and empaths. For people like me, one of the most important life lessons is learning how to set boundaries in relationships. So, I decided I needed a time-out from dating, to work on strengthening my boundaries and learning assertiveness skills.

What is a boundary and what does it mean to set your boundaries? Rinatta Paries explains in her article, Setting Boundaries In Relationships, that

A boundary is a DIVIDING LINE between you and anyone else, even a loved one. The line represents both physical and emotional limits others may not VIOLATE.

A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt, outrage, etc. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone, even your most loved one, from crossing the line with you.

Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth, your self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are WORTHY of care.

Without boundaries, we often end up giving and giving, until we have nothing left to give in our relationships. We end up feeling used, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or violated because we lacked the courage to speak up and assert ourselves when we needed to.

As Robert Burney, author of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, notes

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

The first step in setting personal boundaries is becoming aware of how and why you are allowing others to violate them. Read Ten Rights Of An Assertive Individual to understand what issues you should start setting boundaries for.

Coping.org has some of the best information on learning to set boundaries, and the comprehensive article here explains why low self-esteem is one of the primary reasons we allow others to violate our boundaries.

People with low self-esteem have their major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others.

This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened “internal locus of control” and become dependent on a strong “external locus of control.” They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.

People with low self-esteem are dependent on others’ approval and recognition and are therefore fearful of rejection by and conflict with others. It has been estimated in the self-esteem literature that over 90 percent of us are suffering from low self-esteem at one degree or another. Therefore most people in relationships are currently suffering from low self-esteem or recovering from it.

While it’s easier to walk out of a relationship that is clearly abusive, it’s not so easy to leave a codependent or caregiving relationship with an addict or dysfunctional person. It’s like the addictive relationship between Kate Moss and her fiance, Pete Doherty, that, despite very public stints in rehab, allows them both to enable each other’s cocaine addiction.

For Indian women, or those from cultural backgrounds where unhealthy stereotypes of women are glorified - as in the “woman-as-martyr” theme in Indian mythology (Sita in the Ramayana) and the Sati-Savitri of Hindi cinema - the risk is even greater, because of the pressure to “stick by your man” in times of trouble. No matter that he has an abusive, addictive, or dyfunctional personality.

The younger generation of women seems to be rejecting this harmful stereotyping, but the “Mama’s boys” in our male population are still waiting for a woman who will take care of them and do for them what any healthy adult should be able to do for himself (see Codependence and the Indian Male). Little wonder, then, that so many Indian marriages are disintegrating under the pressure of dual-income homes.

But boundaries are not only required between intimate partners. It’s essential to learn to set boundaries in ANY relationship, whether at work, with your boss, co-workers, and customers, or at home, with your parents, children, family and in-laws. Children who grow up without boundaries become incapable of discipline, are in danger or being either spoiled or neglected, and go on to have dysfunctional relationships of their own.

As Indians, we’re taught to respect elders, so we tend to have more difficulty setting healthy boundaries with older people, like parents and in-laws. This unhealthy tolerance of elders’ interference is not just irritating and destructive to marriages. It often leads to the abuse, torture and dowry deaths, that we read about almost everyday.

As far as elders are concerned, my take is that they do deserve respect, but only if also they treat YOU with respect. Respect must be EARNED, in my opinion. And the best way to earn my respect, is by treating ME the way you wish to be treated. I avoid people, elders or otherwise, who behave in a disrespectful, critical or controlling manner with me. And that includes those who insist on giving me unsolicited, “helpful” advice.

If you come from a dysfunctional family (where one or both parents were alcoholic, addicts, abusive, absent or suffered from a mental illness) you may not even know what a healthy relationship looks like. The Coping.org website describes what a healthy, intimate relationship looks like here.

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship.

A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.

A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

Sandra Brown, M.A., writes in her ebook, How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that healthy boundaries (or the lack of them) are the most important indication of whether or not a man is a capable of being in a healthy relationship.

If you’ve been getting into relationships with men who lie or cheat, are married or unavailable, needy, clingy, dysfunctional, manipulative, exploitative, violent, abusive, pathological, or harm you in any way, you need to get a copy of her book now.

However, blaming society, family, cultural conditioning, or the man you’re involved with, is not helpful. It reduces you to playing a victim’s role, and takes away your power. If you want things to change, you need to take responsibility for the role you played in ALLOWING your partner to behave the way he did, and accept that any change has to come from inside you.

That includes learning to spot the signs that you’re violating your own boundaries in a relationship, learning healthy ways to express yourself when setting boundaries (minus anger and blame), and doing the work it takes to build healthy boundaries.

Many of us are afraid of setting boundaries because we don’t want to change the status quo in our relationships. We worry that setting boundaries will “upset the applecart”, and even break up a relationship or marriage.

Yes, there’s a distinct possibility that, when we change the dynamics of a relationship, we risk losing the other person. I’ve had men complain bitterly about my “rules”, and I’ve dumped men for disrespecting me, taking me for granted, standing me up, or asking me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with (like lending them money).

I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And if we’re willing to let them cross the line even once, it becomes harder and harder to push it back. When we don’t make rules for how we let ourselves be treated, we are not being loving to ourselves. And the more we ignore our own needs and put other’s needs above our own, the more we harm our own self-esteem.

Today, I’d gladly accept the risk of ending a relationship, if it means that I’m taking care of myself and protecting my well-being. I know that being good to myself is more important than trying to save a relationship that is not right for me in the first place.

I realised that if I want to be loving to myself, I need to state very clearly what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. I know today, that the only way to be in a healthy relationship, is to demand to be treated with the respect and consideration I deserve.

Toltec teacher, Don Miguel Ruiz, writes in an article on Boundaries that

We can create acceptable boundaries with people whose emotional poison we do not want to eat. When we respect ourselves, we will not allow disrespect from anybody else. This is not selfishness, it’s self-love. The controlling aspect is selfishness–wanting a partner to stay with us even if we are in hell. If we go into relationships because, “Oh I need you so much,” it’s selfishness, not self-love.

Relationships can be so wonderful. We can be completely open and loving. But just because we love someone, that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their anger, jealousy or abuse. We don’t need to be abused, and we can’t send out our abuse either.

Recommended Reading:

How To Spot A Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown, M.A.

Supreme Self-Esteem for Women

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child - Highly recommended.

Boundaries by Don Miguel Ruiz

Books on Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Appropriately

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Improving Assertive Behavior

Popularity: 14% [?]

I promised my friend and healer, Leo, that I’d write up a testimonial for him on how his 10-day meditation workshop has transformed me and helped me heal. So here it is.

The Meditation Workshop That Changed My Life

I consider myself a living, breathing testimonial to the life-changing benefits of meditation.

Two years ago, my world fell apart when I lost my husband and partner of 18 years to a sudden heart attack. At the age of 35, I was widowed, and rudderless. I lost my focus, my business was suffering, and I found myself unable to open up or trust myself enough to get into a healthy relationship.

Over a year ago, I was introduced to meditation and spirituality by my friend and healer, Leonard Velloz of Holistic Studio, and have been practicing regular meditations to calm my mind and get in touch with my inner feelings.

About two months ago, having decided to take my life firmly in my hands and clear the blocks that were preventing me from gaining focus and achieving my goals, I decided to take Leo’s 10-day meditation course, which included two aura scans, to assess my progress before and after the course.

Leo was very clear that unless I was totally committed to making the effort I needed to change my patterns, he would not even consider working with me. As I’ve often written on this blog, I’m well aware of the fact that all change must come from within.

No person can force another to change, and all therapists and healers only aid and facilitate change in oneself. That is why commitment is crucial for any inner work to be effective.

Before beginning the work, the image of the aura scan showed that my lower chakras were very imbalanced. The before image of my aura scan clearly shows a band of red encircling the heart chakra, signifying anger, rejection and lack of self-forgiveness and self-love, that had manifested in health issues, including an auto-immune condition. The lower chakras were also imbalanced, resulting in self-esteem and security issues.

Over the next ten days, Leo took me through a series of meditations that involved grounding, and clearing the blocks in my chakras. He helped me identify childhood issues that I had not dealt with, and guided me through the psychological and spiritual work required to clear them from my emotional body.

It took a great deal of commitment on my part, especially when dealing with painful issues concerning my family and loved ones, but I give myself credit for putting in the hard work and clearing most of my emotional baggage. As the after aura scan shows, my lower chakras are much more balanced, with more grounding, and opening up of the heart chakra.

I know that healing some issues of the heart will take more time, but after the course, I’ve become very calm, peaceful and contented. This change was clearly seen in the colour of my aura, which went from Indigo (deep inner feelings, inner knowing, intuitive, sensitive) to Blue (communicative, loving, loyal, sensitive, helpful).

According to the site here,

Indigo colored auras usually indicate an advanced soul and part of their soul purpose will be as a healer or teacher. The Indigo generation is known as the “Warrior” generation. They will challenge all old and out-of-date systems that no longer nourish the soul and allow the spirit free expression. The Indigo generation is here to bring in the new age of peace. They will break down the old systems with their warrior spirit, their wisdom and their intuitive, creative ways.

You can read up more on common characteristics of Indigo souls here. I easily relate to most of these characteristics, especially the description of the Indigo warrior spirit, fighting as always, for peace, justice and environmental causes. Empathy for the suffering of others, anger at injustice and stupidity, strong intuitive ability, interest in spirituality, and a loathing for “the system” and superficial people, are all Indigo characteristics I relate to.

People with blue auras are described in the manner below, and in greater depth here (which contains much of the information in the Aura scan report that Leo gave me).

Depth of feeling, devotion, loyalty, trust, desire to communicate. Puts great importance on personal relationships. Empathetic. May be a dreamer or have artistic ability. Possibly tend to put the needs of others before their own and may have the ability to meditate, and live in the moment. Blue may be emotionally sensitive, intuitive, inwardly focused, may enjoy solitude, non-competitive activities, be receptive and desire unity, peace, love and affection in relationships with others. They need a calm and tranquil environment. You’ll find many blue artists, poets, writers, musicians, philosophers, serious students, spiritual seekers, and people looking for truth, justice and beauty in everything.

What really amazed me about Leo’s meditation course was that it didn’t require years of painful, long drawn-out therapy for me to clear issues that existed even from my childhood. Just ten days of powerful, guided meditations have put me firmly on the track to recovery.

Leo was so pleased by my progress, that we decided I was ready to take on more initiations and advance my spiritual growth further. I continue to meditate regularly and grow emotionally and spiritually. Although I do experience moments of stress, I am much more self-aware and mindful of my reactions, and can deal with stress in a much healthier way than I used to.

I’ve also become a better mom, and am more patient, calm and consistent with my daughter. We recently went on vacation in Goa, spent time together, bonding beautifully and enjoying each other’s company.

I feel more balanced and centred, and am no longer as reactive or emotionally volatile as I used to be. I know I have healthier self-esteem, and a great deal of self-love. I’ve always been an introvert, but today, thanks to Leo’s help, I am more appreciative of my strengths, and am learning to trust my intuition to help me make better choices.

I practice affirmations and positive self-talk, and no longer criticise myself the way I used to. I’ve also learned to respect and value myself, honour my feelings, assert myself more, and refuse to settle for less than I deserve, whether in my relationships, or in my business.

I am no longer in a great rush to achieve, but am learning to open up and surrender to Divine Will and a higher guidance. I’ve finally found my life purpose in empowering other women like me, with the skills to overcome life’s obstacles.

In fact, Leo’s course helped me become so focused and confident, that I managed to achieve my goal of starting a series of workshops with the goal to empower women, through my online magazine, Naaree.com.

With Leo’s continuing help, I now intend to learn how to set stronger boundaries, and make better choices in relationships and in life.

Leo may be contacted for meditations and other holistic services at Holistic Studio.

Popularity: 11% [?]

I’ve been reading the newsletters and ebooks of Ellen Mogensen, of Heal Past Lives, for a while now, and this article of hers really resonated with what I’ve come to believe about why relationships fail. If you believe in karma and past lives, like I do, you’ll find it very informative.

Have you had a series of failed relationships? If so, know, karmically, these have all been successes.

Most people view relationships as having been either a success or a failure. From the standpoint of karma, all relationships are successes. Looking at them through a karmic eye, relationships are powerful teachers.

- Being in relationship always causes you to grow and learn more about life, love, and lovers.

- You get a “do over”: you do not have to make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

- If nothing else, you will have paid off past life karma and you will never ever have to repeat it.

To come into relationships with others in the first place, there had to be advance agreement at the highest levels between all the parties involved. How the relationships unfold depends upon how each partner uses their own free will to cocreate their interaction. The choices that each partner makes is what determines the success or failure of the relationship. The sum of those choices either strengthens the relationship or tears it apart.

If the relationship thrives, the success is due to the actions and efforts of both partners. If the relationship fails, the failure usually is the result of the individuals in it discovering that they are incompatible. When it fails, both partners have a hand in it, even though each will be quick to blame the other for the failure. The truth is that the partners could not reach agreement and, because they could not agree, they needed to go their separate ways.

So for those relationships that have failed, ask yourself these questions… and do better the next time:

- How did you contribute to the relationship failure? What could you have done better?

- What did you learn from this relationship failure? How can you do better next time?

- How did this relationship expand your capacity to love? How can you love better next time?

- Given the past, what do you want from a future relationship? How can it be better next time?

Now that is “good” karma!

For more, see Rules of Soulmates.

Popularity: 6% [?]