Soul Kadee

Has feminism left us confused about the roles we play as men and women in today’s society? To some extent, I believe it has. It’s made women like us more focused on action, which in terms of energy, is yang or masculine. Feminine, or yin energy, on the other hand is about being, about receiving.

Yet, in a modern world where women are increasingly taking on male roles, it’s becoming harder to balance our feminine energy with the roles we must play in our careers and relationships. We’re not as comfortable with receiving, with leaning back, and allowing men to express their masculinity, as the women of yesteryears were.

In some ways it has benefited us because too much passivity (yin) invites abusive behaviour. Too much yang energy, on the other hand, is repelling. The key to healthier interactions, then, is striking a balance, and knowing how to express our energies in an appropriate manner at work and home.

From advice on how to avoid overfunctioning in relationships, to being a woman boss who commands respect without having to act like a man, to being proactive about your personal safety, the articles in this issue will try to address that imbalance.

In the month of July 2007, Naaree.com will hold a workshop on self-defense for women, so if you live in Mumbai, please register on the site to receive updates. Till next time, we’ll celebrate the arrival of the monsoon as it cools down the subcontinent and the earth bursts into greenery once more.

Read the June issue of Naaree.com: Expressing The Feminine

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Yup, I’ve been OD-ing on the Star Wars series this weekend. I love George Lucas and his Jedi philosophy, inspired as it was by Eastern spiritual tradition, including Taoist philosophy and Qigong energy practices.

But, some of the episodes reminded me so much of another George - the President everyone loves to hate €œ and the world he is responsible for creating, that I just had to share the 5 reasons I think George Bush is a Sith Lord - Darth Invader.

1. He thinks in absolutes.

Only a Sith thinks in absolutes, said Obi-Wan Kenobi when Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader warned, If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy, in Part III: Revenge of the Sith. Reminds us so much of G.W.’s famous Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists, proclamation.

2. He acts from fear and revenge.

The Jedi act from compassion and love. The Sith use fear and hate to drive them. Notice how everything G.W. does is in reaction to fear or revenge. Revenge for what Saddam did to Daddy. Fear of being attacked. Fear of seeming weak. Fear of those who are different. Too bad he has no fear of looking like an idiot.

3. He uses deceit to achieve his ends.

The Sith are no strangers to deceit, hiding their true motives behind seemingly good intentions. Chancellor Palpatine hid his identity as a Sith Lord, to wipe out the Jedi and overthrow the Republic. Bush’s search for the still-missing Weapons of Mass Destruction turned out to be just as much of a red herring, and his War on Terror is just another attempt to pull the wool over our eyes. Paul Craig Roberts offers his take on this in Is Bush A Sith Lord?

4. His idea of fun is to invade other countries without reason.

The Sith invade, take over or wipe out other planets, for no reason, other than the fact that they don’t kowtow to the Empire. Bush’s ego and pride have brought Iraq to the brink of civil war, threatened Iran, North Korea and anyone else who dared question American Imperial Rule.

5. He has a warped sense of justice.

The Jedi code - and any civilised society - mandates that an adversary must stand fair trial before justice is carried out. But Bush used a kangaroo court to hang his old foe, Saddam Hussein. Fair trial? Oh nooo! That would have exposed far too many skeletons in the CIA’s closet.

Given more time, I’m sure I could come up with many more parallels between G.W. and the Dark Side Of The Force. Instead I’ll leave you with this video that left many of us wondering why Bush is holding the green lightsaber instead of the red one.

Tags: Star Wars, george lucas revenge of the sith jedi sith lightsaber anakin skywalker Dark Side Of The Force George Bush iraq iraq war on terror iran

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I’ve just been reviewing a set of videos by Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette), where he discusses the tools and skills you need to judge your partner’s character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.

Especially eye-opening was the segment on how one’s parents and childhood experiences shape the kind of partner one is destined to become. Our parents are, after all, our first and most significant role models for romantic relationships.

Watching the videos helped me realise how our relationship with our parents - especially the parent we identify with the most - shapes our views of roles in marriage. I also learned that the lens through which we see the parent of the opposite sex, is the way we ultimately see our partner.

A woman who adores her dad (like me) will probably adore her partner, often to the extent of idealising him and overlooking his flaws. A woman who has a father who abused or abandoned her will have a hard time trusting men.

A man who shares a healthy relationship with his mother is more likely to treat women with respect. By healthy I mean balanced - as in neither too distant, nor too enmeshed.

Most Indian men share an enmeshed relationship with their mothers, characterised by poor boundaries, and are unable to assert themselves and prevent their parents from interfering in (and often ruining) their marital relationships. Just open to the Agony Aunt column of any publication and you’ll see how common this phenomenon is.

Childhood experiences are some of the strongest predictors of what your mate will be like as a spouse and parent. That’s why it’s so important to get to know your partner AND his family as well as you can, before you decide on marrying.

You’ll get a good indication of how a man will treat you after marriage, by observing how his father treats his mother. And observing his family’s dynamics and behaviour will prepare you for the sort of behaviour you can expect from your mate after marriage.

I guess that’s why the tradition of arranged marriage, so prevalent in India, has successfully produced many happy marriages. As Dr. Epp says, common values, upbringing, lifestyles and spiritual beliefs are just a few of the factors that play an important role in the success and failure of marriage.

It reminded me of the scene from The Namesake, where the cultural differences between Gogol and his American girlfriend eventually cause their relationship to unravel after his father’s death.

Inter-cultural and inter-religious relationships - like my marriage to my late husband - require a lot more patience and understanding to work. But I think the reason they do work, is because couples who choose to be in such relationships are more accomodating and open-minded in the first place.

Dr. Epp also makes an excellent case for taking it slow and pacing a relationship. Most relationship experts recommend a longer dating period - two years, at least - to increase the likelihood that your marriage will succeed.

One of the most interesting concepts in the book is the Relationship Attachment Model - the importance of keeping a healthy balance among the five relationship dynamics of Knowledge - Trust - Reliance - Commitment - Touch - in that order.

Your ability to bond long-term is enhanced by the boundaries you set in the short-term, notes Dr. Epp. People who have poor boundaries, and come on too strong or get enmeshed quickly, are never good candidates for a long-term relationship.

To stay in the safe zone, never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. That essentially means, it would be naive to trust a person before getting to know him, and codependent to start to rely on him before learning to trust and know him better.

Studies have also found that commitment has a very powerful bonding effect in marital relationships, is a strong indicator of happiness in a relationship, and grows and deepens over time.

People who live together or cohabit before marriage have a higher rate of divorce, largely because commitment levels are lower in a live-in relationship. Premarital cohabitation seems to damage long-term commitment because it imbalances the bonding dynamics in a relationship, states Dr. Epp.

When the levels of the five dynamics are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy, and you tend to overlook crucial characteristics of the other person that should be exposed and explored.

We’ve all known women who get too involved too quickly, and then rationalise their doubts about the men they’re dating to justify staying in the relationship. I’ve often been guilty of rationalising my mate’s flaws, and one of the statements in the book that I relate to easily is that

Good-hearted people have the greatest risk for staying in a relationship with a jerk, because (they) so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances.

I’m among those who tends to tolerate far more than necessary in all my relationships - not just the romantic ones. I’m often too patient and forgiving for my own good, always trying to think the best of others, overlooking things that, for most people, would have been reason enough to end the relationship.

I think women - and Indian women in particular - are conditioned to be like that. To forgive, adjust and sacrifice - to their own detriment. I see many of my married friends frustated with their lives, unhappy with the way they’re treated by their husbands and in-laws, and going through various stages of depression. It makes me cherish my single status and my independence even more.

Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners and go on to have unhealthy relationships, notes Dr. Epp. For a happy relationship and marriage, both partners must be emotionally healthy, and free of childhood issues and unhealthy emotional baggage that might affect their ability to relate to the opposite sex. They must also have insight into their own behaviour, be willing to change, if necessary, and be in control of their emotions.

I realised that, if I had a pattern of attracting jerks, I had only myself to blame, because of my codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. Taking responsibility for my issues empowered me to change them.

Though I’ve always had a hard time being assertive and setting boundaries, I’m learning and getting better at it everyday. I’ve had to end relationships and cut some people out of my life, but I think of it as the price of growth.

I’m currently reading a really good book by Cheryl Richardson, called Stand Up for Your Life: Develop the Courage, Confidence, and Character to Fulfill Your Greatest Potential (available at Landmark bookstore in Mumbai). I highly recommend it if you need to learn the skills to assert yourself more powerfully.

I enjoy the process of improving my relationship skills, and am not averse to being in a romantic relationship. Love is great, but marriage is not an option for me right now. I find it too restricting, and am really enjoying the freedom to live life on my own terms.

It’s often the fear of failure that keeps us from wanting to commit. When it comes to relationships, it’s a very valid fear. But, hey, everything in life is a risk. Getting out of my house is a risk!

So if you’re single, dating and not averse to taking that risk, use the amazing insights in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, to make better relationship choices, and stack the odds in your favour.

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The new law on domestic violence against women in relationships also recognizes live-in relationships as equal to marriage. The law is a paradigm shift in the way the state has looked at the man-woman relationship.

It’s also stirred up a debate about the morality and acceptability of live-in relationships in India. Read my take on why I believe live-in relationships are unfair to women and why women in such relationships are settling for less than they deserve.

Are Live In Relationships Unfair To Indian Women?

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Since I started on my path of personal and spiritual growth over a year ago, my life has changed in so many ways. I’ve been transformed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I learned new ways of thinking, feeling and being that I never had access to earlier.

As I started treating my body as my temple, I became more sensitive to the messages it sent me about what I ate and how I exercised. I lost the desire to eat many of the foods I used to enjoy. I found myself unable to tolerate junk food €œ which meant no more KFC or McDonalds - and became intolerant to anything cooked with too much spice or oil.

I eliminated coffee, red meat and alcohol from my diet. I still enjoy my tea and the occasional need to indulge my sweet tooth, but my diet now largely consists of fruit, cereals and eggs.

As I responded to my body’s needs, it reciprocated by losing all the pounds I’d piled on after pregnancy, and I regained my health and energy levels. On an emotional level, I dealt with insecurities, fear, grief, anger, and worked through many issues that were holding me back.

A lot of physical issues, like weight gain and skin conditions, resolved themselves once I got rid of my emotional baggage. It just proved to me how deeply connected our emotions are to physical dis-ease, a fact which Louise Hay explains so well in her book, Heal Your Body.

On a spiritual level, I learned to raise my vibration, to heal myself, and others. As I began to listen to messages from my inner self, my insights and intuition improved. I learned mindfulness, self-love and self-acceptance. Loneliness ceased to be an issue when I learned to cultivate a strong connection with myself, and the Divine.

At the risk of being labelled eccentric, I no longer think it selfish or unnatural when I prefer my own company - or that of a few good friends - over the mindless socialising that others seem to enjoy. I prefer solitary, mind-enhancing pursuits, like reading a good book or watching a movie or meditating, to hanging out in noisy places, like pubs or discos.

I feel calmer and more at peace with myself today. I’m learning now to align with my higher self, and respond from love, rather than fear and ego. I don’t expect life to be smooth, but know my new perspective will help me handle anything it throws at me with grace and optimism.

Despite it’s considerable benefits, the path of growth was often scary, and not always smooth and painless. In order to grow, we have to let go of things, and people, that have comforted and given us security all our lives.

We have to step out of our comfort zones, face our fears, take risks, try new things and follow our heart, even when those closest to us are unable to support or believe in us. To reach where I am today, I had to let go of a lot of things that no longer served me €œ old beliefs, values, lifestyles and relationships.

Discomfort with old ways of being, is part of the process of spiritual growth, explains Faith Lynella in her ebook, Aspirin for the Spiritual Hangover. She writes

Each leap up the vibration scale brings access to that level’s priorities and worldview. When your vibration rate increases, it’s harder to relate to the frequency you left behind - its people, interests, and beliefs. You have less and less in common with them.

As people vibrate at a higher level, they attract different people and circumstances to them. Those relationships out of alignment fall away. The basis for relationships will be defined by each person’s energy levels.

I found that sometimes old habits fell away easily and relationships ended painlessly. At other times, it was much harder and I had to make a conscious effort to let go. Often, my fears took me two steps forward and one step back. But I came to realise that, in order to gain something new, you have to let go of the old. That’s the way the universe works.

The key to surviving my spiritual hangover was learning new skills and attitudes, like acceptance of the process, and learning to let go of control and resistance. Surrender doesn’t come easy to a control freak like me, and I resisted change many times €œ with painful consequences.

It’s not all gloomy, however, because as you raise your vibration and let go of things that no longer serve you, you also begin to attract into your life people and circumstances that support the New You.

And, like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly, once you’ve reached a higher plane of existence, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to go back to where you came from.

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