Soul Kadee

We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.
- Virginia Satir

Even before I picked up a copy of Nathaniel Branden’s excellent tome, “Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Tranformation,” I had come to realise that the reason I’ve been unsatisfied with many aspects of my life, is because I’ve been measuring my personal and professional success by a set of standards I no longer adhere to.

Integrity is one of the pillars of self-esteem, says Branden, and not living in integrity - in accordance with the standards we set for ourselves - is one of the causes of low self-esteem.

Being unable to relate to the standards that my family and society had ingrained in me a long time ago (the “good Catholic girl” standards, as I call them), I felt that I was not living in integrity, with what I truly believed was right for me.

I’ve always been a free spirit, a hippie-at-heart, tree-hugger, environmentalist, Luddite (pick your label). But in my struggle for survival, acceptance and approval, I lost sight of what was most important to me.

I complied with my family’s expectations, and society’s standards, when I chose to marry the man I loved. Had I lived in a different era, or been brought up in a more progressive society, I believe I’d have been just as happy having a child outside of marriage.

For many couples, even those who marry for love, that piece of paper just becomes an excuse to have unrealistic expectations of each other, give up their individual dreams, and destroy the love and happiness they once shared.

While coping with my responsibilities as a mother, wife and provider, I lost sight of my personal ideals and began to follow the standards set by others. Finding my faith helped me realise that I needed to set new standards for myself.

The Buddhist doctrines of impermanence and non-attachment helped me realise that I don’t need the confines of a traditional relationship in order to be happy. I cherish my freedom and independence too much to ever give it up again for domesticity (the “old ball-and-chain”).

Dating without expectation leaves me free to be authentic and live in the moment, so I can enjoy and experience a person for what he is, without being attached to the outcome of an interaction.

I’m also happier and more creative since I stopped measuring my professional success by the standards of the internet community. For me, success is not as much about making money (although that is essential) as about living my passion, while touching the lives of others in positive ways.

Now that I’ve come to realise I no longer have to measure my life by another’s standards, that I can choose for myself the standards that resonate with my own personal beliefs, I feel like I’ve found new wings and am free of expectations from myself and others.

For me, living in integrity is no more about living in accordance with the morals and standards set by my family and culture. It’s about marching to the beat of my own drum. About setting new standards for my life that empower me, resonate with my personal truths, and allow me to live my life in accordance with the beliefs that are right for me.

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How many of us are looking for a man to make us feel good about ourselves? We think, As soon as I get a man, I’ll be happy; my life will be perfect.

This attitude reminds me of a quote: Half a woman will attract half a man. In other words, a woman who feels incomplete or inadequate will attract a man who is equally incomplete or inadequate.

Contrary to popular belief, relationships are not 50-50 propositions. We should enter into relationships as whole beings prepared to give (and receive) 100 percent.

So what does it mean to be whole? For starters, it doesn’t mean being perfect. Wholeness is a state of being. We reach this stage in life when we are no longer looking for someone or something to complete us.

We’re whole once we realize we already possess everything we want or need on the inside of us. We come into a conscious awareness that there is no lack in our lives. We recognize that we are complete and no one can add to or take way anything from our life. In our wholeness, we know that our life is what we make it.

Therefore, a whole and complete woman doesn’t depend on others to make her feel good about herself. She doesn’t seek validation from others. Her sense of purpose, well-being and identity doesn’t come from anything outside of herself, including a relationship.

She is content with her life. She truly loves herself and manifests joy and happiness she desires. She doesn’t expect others to make her feel that way.

When you’re whole, you never say, I’ll be happy when I have a man. Instead you say, Yes, I want a relationship. Even though I don’t have one right now, I will enjoy and love myself in this moment.

The people we attract to our lives are a reflection of who we are. So if you want someone who will love and honor you, you must first love and honor yourself. A joyful, loving, healthy relationship begins with you.

Rosslyn Champ is a poet, author and teacher. She is the founder of http://liveloveandprosper.com Her personal development site offers a variety of articles, booklets and other resources that provide a holistic, common sense approach to helping people achieve success in all areas of life.

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