Soul Kadee

We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.
- Virginia Satir

Even before I picked up a copy of Nathaniel Branden’s excellent tome, “Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Tranformation,” I had come to realise that the reason I’ve been unsatisfied with many aspects of my life, is because I’ve been measuring my personal and professional success by a set of standards I no longer adhere to.

Integrity is one of the pillars of self-esteem, says Branden, and not living in integrity - in accordance with the standards we set for ourselves - is one of the causes of low self-esteem.

Being unable to relate to the standards that my family and society had ingrained in me a long time ago (the “good Catholic girl” standards, as I call them), I felt that I was not living in integrity, with what I truly believed was right for me.

I’ve always been a free spirit, a hippie-at-heart, tree-hugger, environmentalist, Luddite (pick your label). But in my struggle for survival, acceptance and approval, I lost sight of what was most important to me.

I complied with my family’s expectations, and society’s standards, when I chose to marry the man I loved. Had I lived in a different era, or been brought up in a more progressive society, I believe I’d have been just as happy having a child outside of marriage.

For many couples, even those who marry for love, that piece of paper just becomes an excuse to have unrealistic expectations of each other, give up their individual dreams, and destroy the love and happiness they once shared.

While coping with my responsibilities as a mother, wife and provider, I lost sight of my personal ideals and began to follow the standards set by others. Finding my faith helped me realise that I needed to set new standards for myself.

The Buddhist doctrines of impermanence and non-attachment helped me realise that I don’t need the confines of a traditional relationship in order to be happy. I cherish my freedom and independence too much to ever give it up again for domesticity (the “old ball-and-chain”).

Dating without expectation leaves me free to be authentic and live in the moment, so I can enjoy and experience a person for what he is, without being attached to the outcome of an interaction.

I’m also happier and more creative since I stopped measuring my professional success by the standards of the internet community. For me, success is not as much about making money (although that is essential) as about living my passion, while touching the lives of others in positive ways.

Now that I’ve come to realise I no longer have to measure my life by another’s standards, that I can choose for myself the standards that resonate with my own personal beliefs, I feel like I’ve found new wings and am free of expectations from myself and others.

For me, living in integrity is no more about living in accordance with the morals and standards set by my family and culture. It’s about marching to the beat of my own drum. About setting new standards for my life that empower me, resonate with my personal truths, and allow me to live my life in accordance with the beliefs that are right for me.

Popularity: 79% [?]

We humans love to label stuff. Perhaps we do this to understand our environment and ourselves better. In some fields, like biology, labels and classifications work, because they are based on a reductionistic approach and view life-forms as separate.

Most life-forms don’t care about being labelled. It doesn’t make a difference to them whether they’re called cephalopods or arthropods. But for humans, being labelled is judgmental and a display of prejudice.

Here are just a few of ways we use labels for ourselves and our fellow humans:

• Race (African, Asian, Caucasian)
• Religion (Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew)
• Country (Indian, Pakistani, British, American)
• Cultural (Eastern, Western)
• Gender (Male, Female)
• Skin colour (Fair, dark, white, black, brown)
• Looks (beautiful, ugly, plain)
• Body type (tall, short, thin, fat, obese)
• Income (rich, poor, upper class, lower class)
• Intelligence (genius, average, retard)
• Personality (Type A/B, depressed, borderline, psychotic, schizoid, ADHD)
• Profession (lawyer, accountant, doctor, writer, singer, actor)
• Marital status (married, single, divorced, widowed)

Psychologists and marketers love this sort of segmentation, because it helps them serve their clients in more effective ways.

The question I want to ask is - exactly how does it help to label ourselves according to the definitions above? Do we need a label in order to identify with the human race? Aren’t we doing ourselves and others an injustice when we label people we interact with?

The labels above are the more benign ones we use everyday. But labelling imposes huge limitations on us, especially when we learn them during our impressionable years (early childhood and our teenage years).

Labels such as kaali (dark) or “stupid”, or beliefs that the boy-child is more precious than the girl-child, have scarred the self-image of many innocent children, creating self-hate and insecurity as adults.

If you must label a child, do it in a positive way. Teach her to accept herself, show her that she is beautiful, and point out the features that make her unique and special.

As babies, we are born pure and untouched by prejudice. We learn segregation, racism, communalism, colour-consciousness, and other such bigoted views from our parents, community and society. We learn to react to the physicalities and personalities of others, rather than respond to their souls.

The soul knows no labels. It is neither male not female, black nor white. It has no race or religion. It is pure Spirit and knows it is one with the Universe. It is at a level where there are no distinctions or separate identities.

Labels, like the ones above, are imposed by the Ego (Personality). But at the level of the Higher Self (Soul), we are all the same, and there is no use for labels.

As evolving beings, we must learn to see each other at the soul level. And we can only do that when we learn to act from our Higher Self, when we treat ourselves and our fellow humans (since, on the soul level, we are all one) with compassion and acceptance.

But what of those who try to harm us?

Do not try to change them. Realise that they are only acting from their own fear and pain. Setting boundaries is a way of showing compassion and refusing to take on the pain of others. Everyone has their lessons to learn. When we take on the task of changing others, we are not doing them a favour, because they will never learn their lessons.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Tolerance is something that has been sold to Indians for ages, under the guise of secularism. But tolerance is just suppressed resentment. And resentment is bound to erupt in hate at some point.

It is not tolerance, but acceptance we have to work towards. Acceptance based on the knowledge that we are not separate beings, but different parts of the same being. Non-acceptance of each other stems from non-acceptance of our self, and fear of our dark side.

Nowadays, when I notice myself being judgmental of others, I take a step back and look inside myself to see which part of me I am refusing to accept. I then make peace with that part of me, and learn to be compassionate with my own flaws.

From unconditional self-acceptance comes healing, and compassion and acceptance for others.

When we refuse to label ourselves as fat or thin, pretty or ugly, dark or fair, we will learn to see our true inner beauty. And, since our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world, the beauty within will be reflected in our lives and in our world.

Recommended Reading:

Unconditional Self Acceptance

I am a great fan of Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher and author. In this audiobook she uses various guided meditations, exercises and reflections to help the listener get in touch with their deepest self and get a better understanding of their conditioned responses while learning self compassion.

Some of her other books that touch upon this subject are

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline

We are conditioned to think that if we were only a little better in some way, we would be happy. But, Huber says, no amount of self-punishment will ever make us happy or bring us control over life’s problems. The help we are looking for is really found in self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Compassionate self-discipline € the will to take positive steps in life € is found through nothing other than being present.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.

Transcendent Beauty: It Begins with a Single Choice…to Be!

I am currently reading this book authored by Crystal Andrus - a woman who is beautiful, both inside and out. She shows us that while most people talk about attractiveness as being merely physical, true beauty definitely comes from the soul. She teaches you to let your inner beauty shine by becoming comfortable with who you are and taming your ego - that critical, fearful voice in your head.

See a selection of resources on Inner Child Healing

Popularity: 96% [?]

Iris at My Nirvana! just tagged me for the Thinking Bloggers Award. Thanks, Iris. Love your blog too. I’ll tag my favourite Thinking Bloggers at the end of this post.

In the last issue of Naaree.com, I wrote that I believe feminism has done women a dis-service by making them believe that they need to compete with men.

There are essentially two ways people view the role of women in society:

Traditionalists: Those who believe that women should go back to their traditional roles at home and stop trying to compete with men in the workplace. Thankfully, these are a dying breed - even in India.

Liberals: Those who believe that women can, and should, compete with men and hold their own in all spheres of life. They seem harmless, but this view can actually be quite damaging.

Here’s why. The problem with these extreme viewpoints is that they are both unfair to women, because neither takes into account what women really want.

The first (traditional) viewpoint denies a woman’s aspirations and desire to express herself creatively in a profession, contribute to society and - in the absence of a male provider - fend for herself and her children.

The second (liberal) viewpoint denies a woman’s innate biological need and desire to nuture a family, have children, and express her creativity in a manner that feels natural to her (cooking, taking care of a home, and all the stuff that makes people like Martha Stewart pots of money).

These extremes also don’t take into account the fact that men have changed too. They no longer want to be desired solely for their earning capability. Most men don’t want women who are golddiggers, and actually PREFER a woman who is able to take care of herself financially.

And why shouldn’t they? After all, men deserve to be loved for who they are, don’t they?

Being Feminine At Work

One of the reasons why there are so few women at the top, in most professions, is not because men don’t allow them to grow, but because most women simply don’t WANT that. We know that being at the top of one’s profession involves a great deal of commitment, dedication and more importantly, SACRIFICE.

I’m one of those women who knew that being a good mother was very important to me (perhaps because my own mom worked full-time and hardly spent any time with us). At the same time, I wanted to use my intelligence and my talent, to express myself creatively and be of service to others.

As long as my husband had a steady job, I kept myself occupied with freelance writing until our baby girl was born. When he was out of a job for a few years, however, I decided I had to make a living and started a business I could manage from home.

At no point did I wish to join the corporate rat race. As a sensitive person, the aggression and competitiveness put me off. I made a conscious choice to work from home because I knew that if I really wanted to, I could find a way. I now make a decent income and find great fulfilment in my internet publishing business.

More than anything, women want to achieve BALANCE in all spheres of life. The price of ambition - sacrificing a healthy family life - is often more than we are willing to pay. And why should we?

Today, women are finding fulfilment in a range of professions, and organisations are more flexible and understanding in working out solutions, including part-time and flexitime work hours, that will keep women on the payroll.

Whether she works from home or commutes to work, each woman needs to find the sort of work that fulfils her.

Being Feminine In Relationships

Our confusion over the roles we play, is even more obvious in the dysfunction that has pervaded our intimate relationships.

Women who adopt the traditional lifestyle, and behave in a dependent and passive manner, put themselves in danger of getting into abusive, exploitative relationships.

On the other hand, women who project themselves as strong and independent, tend to be too aggressive and overfunction in relationships. Aggressive women make a man feel emasculated, and they often find they cannot attract and keep a good man for long.

Books like “The Rules“, which struck a chord with desperate American women, and which feminists viewed as regressive, are the outcome of our confusion, as we struggle to balance our femininity, while holding our own in our relationships with men.

A New Way Of Functioning

It’s time for a new paradigm. One that allows a woman to be a complete, self-actualised person, and yet be capable of letting a man express his masculinity, give to her, and protect his family.

Coach Rori’s ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, taught me that all it takes to achieve this is a simple change in mindset - that of learning to express your feminine energy in a relationship.

We can’t escape our biology, which dictates that for a man to feel attraction for a woman, he has to feel that she needs him (even if it’s only to fix something around the house). A man needs to know that he has something to offer his woman.

Women, for their part, must learn to stop overfunctioning, to lean back, and learn to RECEIVE - a skill that the strong, independent, action-oriented woman has to learn all over again.

The surprising thing is that overfunctioning comes, not from strength, but from fear and a feeling of inadequacy. We overfunction when we feel that we are not enough, that we do not deserve to be loved for who we are, but for what we can can offer a man.

When we “act” strong and independent, we’re actually reacting to a fear of dependence. Women who are truly strong and independent never have to “act” that way. They know their worth, and trust themselves enough to know that they can receive without losing themselves in a relationship.

Leaning back, and allowing yourself to receive from a man, is not about being dependent. It’s about learning to value yourself, and realising that you are desirable, not for what you can give him, but just because you’re a woman.

I’ve been in both places - dependent and independent. In my marriage with my late husband, overfunctioning wasn’t an issue. With him I was very feminine, dependent even - the kind who couldn’t change a lightbulb or kill a bug.

Most of the time, he loved doing things for me. I realised that it made him feel needed and allowed him to express his masculinity. But there is such a thing as being too dependent on a man. For me, independence was something I had to LEARN.

I realised this when, after being widowed, I began to attract men who were extremely masculine and controlling, or exploitative and narcissistic. And in those relationships, I was often the codependent, passive, giving woman - the kind who found it hard to say “no” to anything, even things I was not comfortable with.

Once I realised my mistake, I began learning how to assert myself and set stronger boundaries. I learned that, as long as I express myself in a caring and non-agressive way, being assertive does not make me masculine.

Interdependence Is The Key

Relationships between men and women are not about competition. We need to learn how to COMPLEMENT each other and bring out the best in each other.

Healthy relationships are those where both partners are neither too dependent, nor too independent, but inter-dependent. It’s all about keeping a balance between -

- Work and family
- Giving and receiving
- Masculine and feminine
- Yin and yang

If being a feminine woman in today’s world sometimes feels like walking a tightrope, that’s because it IS. But, there’s no one better equipped than a woman to handle a balancing act like that!

Recommended Reading:

The ebooks here have transformed the way I look at relationships and how I communicate with men.

Have The Relationship You Want: A Womans Guide To Transforming Your Love Life Practically Overnight!
Learn how to get more love, romance, and a deeper emotional connection with a man. Relationship coach Rori Gwynne teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her now-glorious, decades long marriage around

The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave
Learn how to communicate with your man and express yourself in a feminine manner. This book will give you the insights that will change your relationships with men forever.

As I promised, here are my personal favourite Thinking Bloggers.

1. Atanu Dey (I love his focus on the India we rarely read about)
2. Robin Sharma (lots of great personal development tips and an awesome podcast too)
3. Steve Pavlina (another great personal development blog with long posts - sometimes rationalises too much)
4. Aaron Potts (loads of great stuff on self-improvement, manifestation, LOA and more)
5. Jennifer (very interesting posts about men, women, relationships, and life in general)

The Thinking Blogger Award rules: This award was started here. You have to award five others whose blog you think deserve this award. Please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.

The participation rules:
If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all € blogs that really get you thinking!

Popularity: 100% [?]

I’m a big believer in energy medicine, and have been using meditation and reiki for the last year, to heal myself in mind, body and spirit. In my desire to treat my body as my temple, I eliminated, from my diet, foods that I believed were not good for me. I programmed my mind so strongly against junk food, that my body now rejects it.

In the last year, I lost over 25 pounds of extra flab. Meditation, inner work, and a healthier diet helped a great deal. But the main reason I lost that load rather easily (with little or no exercise) was because I decided that the weight no longer served me.

We women don’t realise how much of our weight gain is emotional. And I don’t mean only because of overeating (although that does affect many women), because I’m a rather poor eater.

People tend to put on weight when they’re stressed, depressed or ill. With women especially, low self-esteem tends to lead to a vicious cycle where we put on weight, stop caring about the way we look, which causes us to put on even more weight.

Fact is, when you’re stressed out, perhaps suffering from low self-esteem, or have a lot of negativity in your life, your body goes into starvation-mode and tends to store weight. For sensitive people, fat actually acts as a buffer against negative energy.

Intuitive healer, Judith Orloff, M.D, explains the energetic premise of obesity, in her book, “Positive Energy: Ten Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear Into Vibrance, Strength, and Love“.

One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don’t factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surrounds the body.

Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies.

Here’s the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin, they have less padding and are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth-century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient’s symptoms — a common trap I’ve seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device.

Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath’s hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed, it’s important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating.

Although I don’t eat to ground myself, my body still tended to store fat when I was stressed out or depressed. Once I learned how to use meditation to ground myself, the fat fell away easily.

Find Your “Why” And The “How” Will Follow

I come from a family that encouraged music, rather than athletics. Except for the occasional stint in the gym, I never took physical fitness seriously. Over the years, I tried a few ignorant and misguided attempts at working out. One of those ended in collapse from over training, so I was very wary of starting any new workout program.

Besides, I loved my curves and had no desire to look like a skinny supermodel. But, accepting your body is one thing. Denying your poor health is another. The emotional and health challenges of the last few years had taken their toll on my body, and I found it difficult to build chi, beyond a point, for the purpose of healing.

Building chi energy requires muscle strength and excellent blood circulation. As a healer and lightworker, my less-than-adequate fitness levels were an obstacle to my spiritual growth. Also, as a woman over 35, I knew that I would soon start losing lean muscle and bone mass, if I didn’t take steps to preserve it. To boost my healing abilities, and preserve my quality of life, I simply had to get serious about my fitness goals.

I read that the best way to build strength is with weights or resistance training. So, I began my education in fitness and strength training with Jon Benson’s Fit Over 40, an inspiring ebook that features a number of amazing role models who overcame disability, age, and other serious health challenges, to achieve levels of fitness most of us can only dream of.

Especially awe-inspiring was the story of a 77-year old grandmother, who also happens to be a champion bodybuilder!

Bodybuilding And The Law of Attraction

Personally, I have no intention of participating in bodybuilding contests, but I did realise, that bodybuilders are actually some of the best role models for manifesting abundance.

Not only are they highly focused and motivated, they are also familiar with many techniques (including creative visualisation), taught by spiritual gurus and Law of Attraction teachers, to achieve their dream bodies. My favourite fitness gurus are Tom Venuto, Jon Benson and Will Brink.

I learned a lot about manifestation from Jon’s Fit Over 40 book, where he describes very creative ways to use visualisation to manifest goals. Jon talks about the need to get rid of limiting beliefs, and heal the spirit before we can heal our bodies. He recently started the M-Power Inner Circle to help people achieve the life of their dreams.

I don’t believe we can consider physical fitness in isolation from financial, emotional or spiritual fitness. A healthy mind, healthy body, healthy finances, and a healthy spirit are like spokes in the wheel of abundance. If either one of these spokes is weak, the wheel is in danger of collapsing.

Why Vijay Mallya Is NOT The “Richard Branson Of India”

Like Jon, I believe that a person who is deficient in even one of these areas is not truly a success and is not expressing her full potential. That’s why it irritates me to hear Indians comparing Dr. Vijay Mallya with Sir Richard Branson. Sure, Dr. Mallya, has the wealth, the flamboyance and the lifestyle. But you only have to take one look at him to see that, physically, the man is a wreck.

I believe overall fitness levels are a good indicator of a person’s emotional set-point. You know something is not quite right, when a person who can afford to employ the world’s best fitness professionals, doesn’t care enough to take care of his own body.

For me, Dr. Mallya is simply not a patch on the athletic Sir Branson. I have nothing against Dr. Mallya personally, but a role model for success, he is not!

You are only given one body. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. A month ago, I didn’t even know what a Rep was. Today I work out in the gym thrice a week, and on other days practice T’ai Chi and Pilates. If I can’t work out for a day or so, I really miss the endorphins. Believe me, they can be pretty addictive.

Resources: Free bodybuilding and weight loss ebooks

Popularity: 100% [?]

I’ve just been reviewing a set of videos by Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette), where he discusses the tools and skills you need to judge your partner’s character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.

Especially eye-opening was the segment on how one’s parents and childhood experiences shape the kind of partner one is destined to become. Our parents are, after all, our first and most significant role models for romantic relationships.

Watching the videos helped me realise how our relationship with our parents - especially the parent we identify with the most - shapes our views of roles in marriage. I also learned that the lens through which we see the parent of the opposite sex, is the way we ultimately see our partner.

A woman who adores her dad (like me) will probably adore her partner, often to the extent of idealising him and overlooking his flaws. A woman who has a father who abused or abandoned her will have a hard time trusting men.

A man who shares a healthy relationship with his mother is more likely to treat women with respect. By healthy I mean balanced - as in neither too distant, nor too enmeshed.

Most Indian men share an enmeshed relationship with their mothers, characterised by poor boundaries, and are unable to assert themselves and prevent their parents from interfering in (and often ruining) their marital relationships. Just open to the Agony Aunt column of any publication and you’ll see how common this phenomenon is.

Childhood experiences are some of the strongest predictors of what your mate will be like as a spouse and parent. That’s why it’s so important to get to know your partner AND his family as well as you can, before you decide on marrying.

You’ll get a good indication of how a man will treat you after marriage, by observing how his father treats his mother. And observing his family’s dynamics and behaviour will prepare you for the sort of behaviour you can expect from your mate after marriage.

I guess that’s why the tradition of arranged marriage, so prevalent in India, has successfully produced many happy marriages. As Dr. Epp says, common values, upbringing, lifestyles and spiritual beliefs are just a few of the factors that play an important role in the success and failure of marriage.

It reminded me of the scene from The Namesake, where the cultural differences between Gogol and his American girlfriend eventually cause their relationship to unravel after his father’s death.

Inter-cultural and inter-religious relationships - like my marriage to my late husband - require a lot more patience and understanding to work. But I think the reason they do work, is because couples who choose to be in such relationships are more accomodating and open-minded in the first place.

Dr. Epp also makes an excellent case for taking it slow and pacing a relationship. Most relationship experts recommend a longer dating period - two years, at least - to increase the likelihood that your marriage will succeed.

One of the most interesting concepts in the book is the Relationship Attachment Model - the importance of keeping a healthy balance among the five relationship dynamics of Knowledge - Trust - Reliance - Commitment - Touch - in that order.

Your ability to bond long-term is enhanced by the boundaries you set in the short-term, notes Dr. Epp. People who have poor boundaries, and come on too strong or get enmeshed quickly, are never good candidates for a long-term relationship.

To stay in the safe zone, never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. That essentially means, it would be naive to trust a person before getting to know him, and codependent to start to rely on him before learning to trust and know him better.

Studies have also found that commitment has a very powerful bonding effect in marital relationships, is a strong indicator of happiness in a relationship, and grows and deepens over time.

People who live together or cohabit before marriage have a higher rate of divorce, largely because commitment levels are lower in a live-in relationship. Premarital cohabitation seems to damage long-term commitment because it imbalances the bonding dynamics in a relationship, states Dr. Epp.

When the levels of the five dynamics are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy, and you tend to overlook crucial characteristics of the other person that should be exposed and explored.

We’ve all known women who get too involved too quickly, and then rationalise their doubts about the men they’re dating to justify staying in the relationship. I’ve often been guilty of rationalising my mate’s flaws, and one of the statements in the book that I relate to easily is that

Good-hearted people have the greatest risk for staying in a relationship with a jerk, because (they) so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances.

I’m among those who tends to tolerate far more than necessary in all my relationships - not just the romantic ones. I’m often too patient and forgiving for my own good, always trying to think the best of others, overlooking things that, for most people, would have been reason enough to end the relationship.

I think women - and Indian women in particular - are conditioned to be like that. To forgive, adjust and sacrifice - to their own detriment. I see many of my married friends frustated with their lives, unhappy with the way they’re treated by their husbands and in-laws, and going through various stages of depression. It makes me cherish my single status and my independence even more.

Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners and go on to have unhealthy relationships, notes Dr. Epp. For a happy relationship and marriage, both partners must be emotionally healthy, and free of childhood issues and unhealthy emotional baggage that might affect their ability to relate to the opposite sex. They must also have insight into their own behaviour, be willing to change, if necessary, and be in control of their emotions.

I realised that, if I had a pattern of attracting jerks, I had only myself to blame, because of my codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. Taking responsibility for my issues empowered me to change them.

Though I’ve always had a hard time being assertive and setting boundaries, I’m learning and getting better at it everyday. I’ve had to end relationships and cut some people out of my life, but I think of it as the price of growth.

I’m currently reading a really good book by Cheryl Richardson, called Stand Up for Your Life: Develop the Courage, Confidence, and Character to Fulfill Your Greatest Potential (available at Landmark bookstore in Mumbai). I highly recommend it if you need to learn the skills to assert yourself more powerfully.

I enjoy the process of improving my relationship skills, and am not averse to being in a romantic relationship. Love is great, but marriage is not an option for me right now. I find it too restricting, and am really enjoying the freedom to live life on my own terms.

It’s often the fear of failure that keeps us from wanting to commit. When it comes to relationships, it’s a very valid fear. But, hey, everything in life is a risk. Getting out of my house is a risk!

So if you’re single, dating and not averse to taking that risk, use the amazing insights in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, to make better relationship choices, and stack the odds in your favour.

Popularity: 64% [?]

All that we are is a result of what we have thought
- Buddha

Everyone these days seems to be talking about the Law Of Attraction (LOA) - the principle that you attract into your life whatever you think about.

To explain it in simple, idiot-proof terms:

• Thoughts are energy - they are as real as sound, light and gravity.
• Thoughts create vibrations, the way a pebble creates ripples in a lake.
• Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy.
• Positive thoughts vibrate at a higher frequency than negative ones.
• Your thoughts attract the circumstances of your life like a magnet.
• What you focus on, expands
• If you think about what you don’t want, you only end up attracting more of the same.
• Everything you currently have in your life, YOU have created, the good and the bad - that’s a fact!
• If you are not controlling what you think about, you are creating your life by default.
• When you focus your thoughts on what you DO want, you are applying the principle of Deliberate Creation.
• Your emotions (intuition, gut feelings) are your guidance system - they tell you if what you are attracting is right for you or not.
• You can change your vibrations by changing the way you feel.

Even before I learned about the Law Of Attraction, I understood that we consciously attract people and events into our lives that match our “wavelength.” I knew that, to attract the mate of my dreams, I must become the person I want to attract. (work in progress)

But it’s through the books and audios produced by Jerry and Esther Hicks (who first presented the powerful basics of the original Teachings of Abraham), that I’m beginning to understand how to use and apply the Law of Attraction to create exactly what I desire.

Their books, Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires and The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent: Living the Art of Allowing, provide an excellent introduction to the LOA.

They include a great deal of advice on working with energy and emotions, as well as specific chapters on increasing prosperity, reclaiming health, working with meditation, and clearing clutter for clarity (sounds like something my feng shui practioner would recommend). They also offer 22 processes that you can use to raise your vibration and invite anything you want to attract into your life.

I also bought all three of their Sara books (for my daughter, Sara, of course), and plan to read them to her at bedtime. I believe these are essential life skills that every parent should practice, and teach their kids.

Because I love their materials so much, I was rather surprised and disappointed when I learned that the original creators didn’t feature in the slickly produced and somewhat over-hyped production, The Secret (DVD), that was based on their work, and recently featured on both, the Oprah Winfrey and Larry King shows.

But then I read this letter from them that sort of explains why. And though I know, from their books, what beautiful people Jerry and Esther are, I’m still amazed at their generosity, understanding and willingness to let go of their intellectual rights.

There are four steps involved in Deliberate Creation:

1. Identify what you DON’T want: Get clear on what about your current life does not serve you
2. Identify what you DO want: Visualise the kind of life you wish to create
3. Get into the feeling place of your want: Raise your vibration and feel the emotions you will feel when you have that life. Believe you already have it.
4. Intend and allow it to happen: Get out of your own way and allow the Universe to take over and do what is in your Highest Good.

Abraham-Hicks teach us that Well-Being is our natural state of being. The reason we do not have what we want - health, abundance, wealth, joy - is because we are blocking the flow of energy that creates well-being.

We create obstacles to well-being with our:

• Lack of belief: Negative beliefs, defeatist attitudes, pessimism and expecting the worst only attracts more negativity into your life
• Lack of self-love: Failing to love, respect and value yourself. Refusing to believe that you deserve the best life has to offer, will keep your dream life firmly out of your reach.
• Lack of trust: Not trusting your intuition, your emotional guidance system, will prevent you from knowing which experiences serve you and which do not.
• Lack of gratitude: Learning to appreciating the abundance you already possess will attract more of it into your life.
• Lack of detachment: Being too attached to the outcome, trying to control the result of your creation, and refusing to allow the Universe to decide the outcome that is in your best interest, will keep you from receiving what it has to offer you (even if it is better than what you visualised for yourself).

I come across new books and audios almost every day, that claim to show how to use the LOA and the principle of Deliberate Creation in everyday life, to get whatever you desire - love, wealth, abundance, joy.

The most useful LOA resources offer techniques to help you raise your emotional set point and help you go from from negative emotions, like fear and despair, to positive ones like joy and happiness.

When you raise your vibrational frequency (through meditation, music, or whatever works for you), and eliminate negative beliefs and emotions that block your ability to receive what the Universe is sending your way (techniques like NLP, EFT, Hypnosis work very well), you can truly create anything you desire.

To raise your vibration right now, watch the beautiful “I Create Reality” movie by Christopher Westra. Do show it to your kids and anyone else you think of.

Law Of Attraction Resources:

Besides the resources above, here are some I own and will be reviewing shortly:

Wealth Beyond Reason: This course by Bob Doyle teaches you the principles of the LOA and gives you specific techniques to rid yourself of negative emotions, and an Experiential Meditation to help you visualise what you desire.

The Secret Of Deliberate Creation: This comprehensive course by Robert Anthony has loads of resources and comes highly recommended.

Sleep And Profit: Get the Think and Grow Rich audios, as well as a number of subliminal audios and practices to clear your mind of negative beliefs about wealth and money.

Sandra Anne Taylor’s books: As a counselor in private psychological practice, Sandra Anne Taylor’s techniques will help you clear negative vibrations and invite in the positive.

Popularity: 69% [?]

What do mind power masters and quantum physicists have in common? They both know that our observation and perspective frames our reality.

Werner Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle demonstrated that on a subatomic level, the observer, by the choices he made, influenced the outcome of a physics experiment.

For the first time it was recognized that the observer and the act of observing were inseparable from what was observed.

What is “out there,” as incredible as it seems, depends upon our judgments, beliefs, viewpoints and perspectives. We project our reality as much as we experience it.

So if your outer world is merely a reflection of your inner world, does what you think and believe actually create your reality? Indeed, it does!

We know that thoughts are vibrations or energy and that negative thought patterns create a negative outcome, while positive thought patterns create a positive outcome. As the article here states:

Everything in the universe has a unique vibrational energy. Every object, every being, every thought, every action. Your physical body in its healthy state has a specific rate of vibration. When you are sick your vibrational rate changes and you are no longer in balance with your true nature.

Your thoughts vibrate at their own rate. A positive thought makes you feel better than a negative thought. That good feeling is the result of a change in vibrations. You may not feel the changes as vibrations, you simply feel better.

Alternative healers and practitioners of Energy Medicine have long known that negative or limiting beliefs can make us ill, and that changing our interpretation of our experiences can actually change our reality.

There’s a rational reason why complainers and pessimists only attract more misery, and why a positive attitude and optimistic outlook on life can improve a health condition, create prosperity and literally transform your existence. As the site here states so beautifully,

You are a causality of your beliefs and fears. Whatever you believe, you become. Whatever you fear, you manifest. You need to know and practice being true to yourself in order to reach your full potential.

Consciousness is the reality of your universe. You chose your reality from within fundamental truth or misconceptions. Your external being or personality is constructed by your inner life and spiritual standards. Disease and suffering are manifestations of your inner ill being.

In contrast, you possess the ability to invoke healing or elimination of all pain and suffering by your inner well-being. The key is to focus on each limitation one by one, in a focused sequential manner.

In healing my own health condition (lupus), which traditional medicine describes as incurable, I turned to a number of alternative healing methods and tools.

It was Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, that first introduced me to the link between thought patterns and disease. I highly recommend it if you have a health condition that you need to heal.

My friend, Leo Velloz, then introduced me to meditation as a tool to heal my body and mind. You can contact him at Holistic Studio.

I’ve also been learning Reiki and Tai chi and have just started reading Quantum-Touch: The Power to Heal, which is supposed to be even more powerful. All these methods work on the same principle to clear energy channels for the creative flow of life and to restore healthy balance.

A few days ago, I came across a website called the Healing Codes. It’s principles seem to be based on pretty much the same ideas above, but it promotes a powerful healing technique that claims to take just 8 minutes to heal illness. If you’re in the healing profession, you should definitely listen to the free Healing Codes teleseminar here.

Did this post help you? Do write in and let me know.

Popularity: 39% [?]

One of the best books I’ve read in recent times, is Marie Forleo’s rather misleadingly titled “Make Every Man Want You (or Make Yours Want You More).” In fact, it’s so good I read it twice.

In her honest, funny and refreshingly candid way, Marie, a world-renowned life coach and fitness personality, tells you how to become so damn irresistible, you’ll barely keep from dating yourself.

But don’t let the catchy title fool you, because it’s more a self-help book than a relationship book. And by being “irresistible”, Marie doesn’t just mean looking good, but being the best person you can be.

As one reviewer notes, her advice almost reads like the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism, as she explains how women sabotage a good relationship, simply because of unattractive habits and false beliefs about men and love:

Her “Time-Tested Truths” from Chapter 3 are:

1. A Relationship Will Not Save You
2. Relationships Are Spiritual Opportunities, Not a Needs Exchange
3. Life Is Now: This Is It!
4. Men Are As-Is Merchandise or Love ‘Em or Leave ‘Em, Baby!
5. If You Want Guarantees In Love, You Don’t Want Love

But it’s the last point here that really got me thinking. Most women go looking for love with an eye on the goal - commitment or marriage. But, in love there ARE no guarantees! And although we make lists of things we want in a man, no one can truly guarantee that the man you fall in love with will be anything like the one you imagine.

Because being in love means having to surrender completely, to be vulnerable to hurt, to pain, to heartache. It means being willing to live with uncertainty, with change, and loss. With the possibility that your feelings may never be reciprocated, or that you may lose the thing you cherish most.

It means facing your deepest fears, and doing the thing you fear most. It means being authentic, being willing to face rejection, giving up expectations of another person “meeting your needs”.

It means being willing to live in the moment, and accepting that it’s all we really have. And sometimes, it means being willing to let go of the relationship, if that’s what it takes, to keep the love you share.

After I lost my husband and companion of 18 years, I honestly began to wonder if it was all worth it. I asked myself, if I had to fall in love, be vulnerable, experience all the pain and the tears I experienced with and without him, would I do it all over again. And the answer most definitely is, yes!

Because there’s no life without love. Without the sharing, and the laughter, the precious moments we cherish more than money, success and achievement. And yes, there’s no love without the pain, conflict and loss that are part of any relationship.

If you want a relationship that has to be defined in words, or boundaries, or legalese. If you demand guarantees, if you can’t be happy just living in the moment and enjoying the person you’re with, it’s not love you’re looking for, but acceptance - from yourself, from family, friends and society.

Love may not be enough to make a marriage work. But it sure as hell makes life worth living.

Recommended Resources:

Make Every Man Want You More with Marie Forleo and Amy Waterman

This is a course for real women, women with minds and intellects, women who want to attract men without compromising their integrity. Marie and Amy have cleverly incorporated the concept of “living in the moment” or “living in the now” into their course.

Authors and thinkers from Eckhart Tolle to Wayne Dyer have discussed this concept widely, and now Marie and Amy have taken this concept and applied it to the dating world. Marie tell us how your irresistibility lies in this moment, because this is where life happens. It’s not about aiming towards creating happiness in your future; it is about making it happen in this moment. This is a course that teaches the philosophy of being fully engaged in your life, being fully awake, and conscious.

This course is a refreshing look at attracting men because it doesn’t start by trying to “fix” you. It doesn’t assume you are “broken,” but asks you to acknowledge your past, but not to be defined by it. Every moment you are in is said to be brand new, has never happened before, and will never happen again.

Popularity: 35% [?]

If you’ve ever travelled by airplane (and I’m sure most of you have), you’ll know that there’s a good reason why the stewardess instructs you to first put on your own oxygen mask, before helping the passenger next to you. Its because you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Yet, a lot of us women forget this essential truth, especially when we become mothers and wives. Once we have that little baby in our arms we act like we don’t matter any more, like she’s the only thing that matters. I know, I felt like that when my daughter was born.

As it happened, my late husband and I were also going through a period of financial and emotional stress at that time, so in my desire to contribute to the family finances, I started taking my internet business very seriously, spending many hours a day at the computer, often with my baby sleeping in my lap.

Like most new moms, I hardly slept or ate properly. I let myself go, allowing my own needs to come last. As a result of neglecting myself, my physical and emotional well-being suffered so badly that about four years ago I was diagnosed with systemic lupus erythematosus, a chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue.

For some reason lupus seems to be more active in women of child-bearing age, after they’ve had a baby. There is usually a genetic predisposition, which is why not all women get it. But I think the reason it manifests is because we tend to neglect our own needs after the baby is born.

My illness was a wake-up call for me. I realised that if I wanted to be around to see my daughter grow up, I better start taking good care of myself. I read humongous volumes of literature on lupus and learned how it can be controlled, even reversed, with diet, exercise, alternative therapies and a healthy lifestyle.

I started taking the best supplements (write to me if you want to know which ones), following a healthy diet, learned meditation and yoga, and became serious about losing weight and getting fit. I also dealt with my own emotional and self-esteem issues and learned to be happy and content, no matter what.

It was really my emotional and spiritual transformation that made the most difference to my health. Because ultimately the tendency to neglect ourselves, put the well-being of others before our own, and stop caring for the way we look and feel is just a manifestation of poor emotional health, false beliefs and low self-esteem.

As a lightworker, I discovered my own healing abilities. I now believe that I chose my illness so I could learn the lesson of self-love and unconditional self-acceptance in this lifetime.

Whether you subscribe to that theory or not, my new beliefs actually empowered me to make the changes I needed to make, and to realign with my life goals and vision. It also inspired me to start Naaree.com - a new portal to help women rediscover and nurture their inner beauty and strength.

Dealing with my emotional issues helped me realise that I had to love myself first, before I could love another. That I had to feel good about myself, before I could treat others with kindness and compassion. And that I had to take care of my own health and well-being, before I could take care of another person.

These realisations gave me the incentive to start working out and eating a healthier diet. I lost 24 pounds, cleared up a skin condition, and can honestly say that I look and feel many years younger than I am today.

Through holistic methods of healing, I put my lupus almost completely into remission. I avoid negative influences (TV, news, gossip, pessimists, complainers) and choose to associate myself only with positive people and influences.

I invested in better clothes, manicures and pedicures, waxes, massages, good makeup and cosmetics. I even took a course in image and grooming, and learned to feel like a million bucks.

I never wait for a man to ask me out. Instead, I take myself out often and treat myself to dinner and a movie. I no longer feel guilty about letting my retired parents take over most of my childcare duties because I’d rather spend quality time with my daughter than be preoccupied with work when she’s around.

I no longer think it selfish to take time out for myself, doing things that nurture my spirit. I know now that these are not luxuries, but essentials. And that by doing them, I’m enhancing my ability to give of myself to others.

I realised that simply becoming aware of my issues was not enough. Positive action is essential on the road to recovery. Because every time you take action, even make a tiny effort to nurture yourself, you are telling your subconscious mind that you are worth the effort. And that, in turn, will enhance your self-esteem.

It took a life-threatening condition to make me see the light. To realise that I’m worth taking care of, that I deserve to love and care for myself. Don’t let that happen to you. Especially if you’re a new mother. If nothing else, at least do it for your child’s sake.

And if you’re in a new relationship, or looking to get into a relationship, here’s one last reason why you need to start believing that you’re an amazing, gorgeous creature, and that you’re so totally worth the time, effort (and money, if necessary) it takes to look and feel your best.

The reason is that it will help you attract and keep a great guy. One with high self-esteem, who treats you like the goddess you are. Remember that men are visual creatures. And even if you’ve been married for decades, making the effort to look good for your man will send him the message that you think he’s worth looking good for - and that’ll improve your marriage too.

Please don’t say that you’re too busy and have no time. Those are just excuses. We always make time for the things we truly believe in and really want to do. So all you have to do is start believing that you NEED to do these things for yourself.

Because, to paraphrase the (cliched, but true) advertising slogan, “Baby, you’re SO worth it!”

Recommended Reading:

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child
I’ve recommended this powerful book by Margaret Paul many times. It greatly helped me heal my emotional and self-esteem issues and helped me make choices that nurture and heal me.

Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You
This tiny, yet powerful book by Daphne Rose Kingma will help you get in touch with your own needs and reasons for loving and nurturing yourself.

The Girl’s Guide to Loving Yourself: A Book About Falling in Love With the One Person Who Matters Most..You
Am planning to order this book soon, since it talks about a lot of the stuff I discussed in this post. According to the review, the book “offers that extra boost of self-esteem you need to walk into a crowded room feeling confident, and to stand in front of a bedroom mirror feeling satisfied. It is the perfect mixture of wisdom, guidance, inspiration, and laughter you need to fall head over heels in love with the one person who matters most… you.” Cute!

Loving Yourself More: 101 Meditations for Women
I have my own set of spiritual practices and meditations to help me affirm my worth, but if you’re looking for some advice on this, you might find it here.

The Lightworker’s Way: Awakening Your Spiritual Power to Know and Heal
I am currently reading and enjoying this book by Doreen Virtue so much that I find it hard to put down. A wonderful account a lightworker’s journey to discovering her powers to heal herself and others. If you’re into spirituality or healing, it’s definitely worth reading.

The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing
Beautiful book by Deepak Chopra shows you how to experience unconditional love for yourself and others.

Popularity: 50% [?]

The popular notion of love is that it’s a feeling, an emotion. But is that really true? While being in love does generate powerful feelings and emotions, those are just the symptoms or effect of love.

In a spiritual sense, love is a way of life, a way of being. We do not fall in love or feel love. We practice love. Love is about DOING, not feeling.

When you spend time with the people you care about, perform acts of service for them, speak to them in a loving manner, touch or hug them them lovingly, or present them with a token of your appreciation for what they bring to your life, you’re practising the Art of Love.

I’ve been reading a beautiful book called “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. It’s an excellent resource to learn how to express your love in a way that your mate will understand.

Why is that important, you ask? Well, according to Chapman, each of us has a primary preference for the way we understand love.

The art of effectively communicating love to your mate requires that you gain an understanding of his/her primary love language. Without that understanding, you may be expressing love in a way that YOU understand, but your mate doesn’t.

This gap in communication and understanding is often what causes lovers to feel unappreciated. It’s not a man-woman thing, but a preference created by the way our parents and caregivers expressed love when we were children.

So what are the Five Love Languages? According to Chapman, they are

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

My primary love language is Quality Time, followed by Acts of Service. So if someone were to buy me flowers or gifts, I would appreciate them, but not as much as if they spent time with me, or showed me that they cared by doing little things for me.

Though we have a primary love language, we can learn a second language so that our spouse’s needs are met. It’s all about giving a little here and there, and accepting that our spouse’s preferred channel may be different from ours.

There’s a nice little test you can take here to find out what your primary love language is. This is what my results on the test looked like.

#1 Quality Time: This can be expressed either through those intimate tete-a-tete discussions or via doing things together. It’s possible to get a low score in this category because you have a strong preference for one form of Quality Time over another.

#2 Acts of Service: You prefer to show your love through favors and chores and doing things for others. You feel put-upon and unappreciated when your efforts are taken for granted.

#3 Touch: You want to give and/or receive affection physically. This may or may not center around sex.

#4 Words of Affirmation: You need to hear praise to know you are loved and you may also prefer to express your affection verbally. Negative comments cut right to the bone. You want to hear that you’re loved and how much and why.

#5 Gifts: You are moved by presents and physical tokens of affection. It’s the fact that someone is thinking about you enough to give you something that moves you. The objects are of secondary importance to the relationship and sentiment with which they were intended.

To transform our relationships, we need to stop getting caught up in feelings and emotions, and start practicing acts of love. When we learn the love languages of each of the people in our lives, we can express our love in more meaningful ways.

Love manuals on my reading list:

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

Buddhist teacher and writer David Richo gives practical and spiritual exercises for couples and singles who want to have mature and lasting relationships. Emphasizing paying attention and letting go, Richo gently and compassionately coaches readers on what he calls the five A’s: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. His book, which proposes “letting go of ego,” will help those seeking personal transformation in their relationships.

The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love

The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love shows us how to push through the fear and negativity that erode relationships, and embrace a life-affirming approach to love.