Soul Kadee

I’m a big believer in energy medicine, and have been using meditation and reiki for the last year, to heal myself in mind, body and spirit. In my desire to treat my body as my temple, I eliminated, from my diet, foods that I believed were not good for me. I programmed my mind so strongly against junk food, that my body now rejects it.

In the last year, I lost over 25 pounds of extra flab. Meditation, inner work, and a healthier diet helped a great deal. But the main reason I lost that load rather easily (with little or no exercise) was because I decided that the weight no longer served me.

We women don’t realise how much of our weight gain is emotional. And I don’t mean only because of overeating (although that does affect many women), because I’m a rather poor eater.

People tend to put on weight when they’re stressed, depressed or ill. With women especially, low self-esteem tends to lead to a vicious cycle where we put on weight, stop caring about the way we look, which causes us to put on even more weight.

Fact is, when you’re stressed out, perhaps suffering from low self-esteem, or have a lot of negativity in your life, your body goes into starvation-mode and tends to store weight. For sensitive people, fat actually acts as a buffer against negative energy.

Intuitive healer, Judith Orloff, M.D, explains the energetic premise of obesity, in her book, “Positive Energy: Ten Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear Into Vibrance, Strength, and Love“.

One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don’t factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surrounds the body.

Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies.

Here’s the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin, they have less padding and are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth-century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient’s symptoms — a common trap I’ve seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device.

Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath’s hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed, it’s important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating.

Although I don’t eat to ground myself, my body still tended to store fat when I was stressed out or depressed. Once I learned how to use meditation to ground myself, the fat fell away easily.

Find Your “Why” And The “How” Will Follow

I come from a family that encouraged music, rather than athletics. Except for the occasional stint in the gym, I never took physical fitness seriously. Over the years, I tried a few ignorant and misguided attempts at working out. One of those ended in collapse from over training, so I was very wary of starting any new workout program.

Besides, I loved my curves and had no desire to look like a skinny supermodel. But, accepting your body is one thing. Denying your poor health is another. The emotional and health challenges of the last few years had taken their toll on my body, and I found it difficult to build chi, beyond a point, for the purpose of healing.

Building chi energy requires muscle strength and excellent blood circulation. As a healer and lightworker, my less-than-adequate fitness levels were an obstacle to my spiritual growth. Also, as a woman over 35, I knew that I would soon start losing lean muscle and bone mass, if I didn’t take steps to preserve it. To boost my healing abilities, and preserve my quality of life, I simply had to get serious about my fitness goals.

I read that the best way to build strength is with weights or resistance training. So, I began my education in fitness and strength training with Jon Benson’s Fit Over 40, an inspiring ebook that features a number of amazing role models who overcame disability, age, and other serious health challenges, to achieve levels of fitness most of us can only dream of.

Especially awe-inspiring was the story of a 77-year old grandmother, who also happens to be a champion bodybuilder!

Bodybuilding And The Law of Attraction

Personally, I have no intention of participating in bodybuilding contests, but I did realise, that bodybuilders are actually some of the best role models for manifesting abundance.

Not only are they highly focused and motivated, they are also familiar with many techniques (including creative visualisation), taught by spiritual gurus and Law of Attraction teachers, to achieve their dream bodies. My favourite fitness gurus are Tom Venuto, Jon Benson and Will Brink.

I learned a lot about manifestation from Jon’s Fit Over 40 book, where he describes very creative ways to use visualisation to manifest goals. Jon talks about the need to get rid of limiting beliefs, and heal the spirit before we can heal our bodies. He recently started the M-Power Inner Circle to help people achieve the life of their dreams.

I don’t believe we can consider physical fitness in isolation from financial, emotional or spiritual fitness. A healthy mind, healthy body, healthy finances, and a healthy spirit are like spokes in the wheel of abundance. If either one of these spokes is weak, the wheel is in danger of collapsing.

Why Vijay Mallya Is NOT The “Richard Branson Of India”

Like Jon, I believe that a person who is deficient in even one of these areas is not truly a success and is not expressing her full potential. That’s why it irritates me to hear Indians comparing Dr. Vijay Mallya with Sir Richard Branson. Sure, Dr. Mallya, has the wealth, the flamboyance and the lifestyle. But you only have to take one look at him to see that, physically, the man is a wreck.

I believe overall fitness levels are a good indicator of a person’s emotional set-point. You know something is not quite right, when a person who can afford to employ the world’s best fitness professionals, doesn’t care enough to take care of his own body.

For me, Dr. Mallya is simply not a patch on the athletic Sir Branson. I have nothing against Dr. Mallya personally, but a role model for success, he is not!

You are only given one body. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. A month ago, I didn’t even know what a Rep was. Today I work out in the gym thrice a week, and on other days practice T’ai Chi and Pilates. If I can’t work out for a day or so, I really miss the endorphins. Believe me, they can be pretty addictive.

Resources: Free bodybuilding and weight loss ebooks

Popularity: 23% [?]

Has feminism left us confused about the roles we play as men and women in today’s society? To some extent, I believe it has. It’s made women like us more focused on action, which in terms of energy, is yang or masculine. Feminine, or yin energy, on the other hand is about being, about receiving.

Yet, in a modern world where women are increasingly taking on male roles, it’s becoming harder to balance our feminine energy with the roles we must play in our careers and relationships. We’re not as comfortable with receiving, with leaning back, and allowing men to express their masculinity, as the women of yesteryears were.

In some ways it has benefited us because too much passivity (yin) invites abusive behaviour. Too much yang energy, on the other hand, is repelling. The key to healthier interactions, then, is striking a balance, and knowing how to express our energies in an appropriate manner at work and home.

From advice on how to avoid overfunctioning in relationships, to being a woman boss who commands respect without having to act like a man, to being proactive about your personal safety, the articles in this issue will try to address that imbalance.

In the month of July 2007, Naaree.com will hold a workshop on self-defense for women, so if you live in Mumbai, please register on the site to receive updates. Till next time, we’ll celebrate the arrival of the monsoon as it cools down the subcontinent and the earth bursts into greenery once more.

Read the June issue of Naaree.com: Expressing The Feminine

Popularity: 15% [?]

I’ve just been reviewing a set of videos by Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette), where he discusses the tools and skills you need to judge your partner’s character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.

Especially eye-opening was the segment on how one’s parents and childhood experiences shape the kind of partner one is destined to become. Our parents are, after all, our first and most significant role models for romantic relationships.

Watching the videos helped me realise how our relationship with our parents - especially the parent we identify with the most - shapes our views of roles in marriage. I also learned that the lens through which we see the parent of the opposite sex, is the way we ultimately see our partner.

A woman who adores her dad (like me) will probably adore her partner, often to the extent of idealising him and overlooking his flaws. A woman who has a father who abused or abandoned her will have a hard time trusting men.

A man who shares a healthy relationship with his mother is more likely to treat women with respect. By healthy I mean balanced - as in neither too distant, nor too enmeshed.

Most Indian men share an enmeshed relationship with their mothers, characterised by poor boundaries, and are unable to assert themselves and prevent their parents from interfering in (and often ruining) their marital relationships. Just open to the Agony Aunt column of any publication and you’ll see how common this phenomenon is.

Childhood experiences are some of the strongest predictors of what your mate will be like as a spouse and parent. That’s why it’s so important to get to know your partner AND his family as well as you can, before you decide on marrying.

You’ll get a good indication of how a man will treat you after marriage, by observing how his father treats his mother. And observing his family’s dynamics and behaviour will prepare you for the sort of behaviour you can expect from your mate after marriage.

I guess that’s why the tradition of arranged marriage, so prevalent in India, has successfully produced many happy marriages. As Dr. Epp says, common values, upbringing, lifestyles and spiritual beliefs are just a few of the factors that play an important role in the success and failure of marriage.

It reminded me of the scene from The Namesake, where the cultural differences between Gogol and his American girlfriend eventually cause their relationship to unravel after his father’s death.

Inter-cultural and inter-religious relationships - like my marriage to my late husband - require a lot more patience and understanding to work. But I think the reason they do work, is because couples who choose to be in such relationships are more accomodating and open-minded in the first place.

Dr. Epp also makes an excellent case for taking it slow and pacing a relationship. Most relationship experts recommend a longer dating period - two years, at least - to increase the likelihood that your marriage will succeed.

One of the most interesting concepts in the book is the Relationship Attachment Model - the importance of keeping a healthy balance among the five relationship dynamics of Knowledge - Trust - Reliance - Commitment - Touch - in that order.

Your ability to bond long-term is enhanced by the boundaries you set in the short-term, notes Dr. Epp. People who have poor boundaries, and come on too strong or get enmeshed quickly, are never good candidates for a long-term relationship.

To stay in the safe zone, never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. That essentially means, it would be naive to trust a person before getting to know him, and codependent to start to rely on him before learning to trust and know him better.

Studies have also found that commitment has a very powerful bonding effect in marital relationships, is a strong indicator of happiness in a relationship, and grows and deepens over time.

People who live together or cohabit before marriage have a higher rate of divorce, largely because commitment levels are lower in a live-in relationship. Premarital cohabitation seems to damage long-term commitment because it imbalances the bonding dynamics in a relationship, states Dr. Epp.

When the levels of the five dynamics are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy, and you tend to overlook crucial characteristics of the other person that should be exposed and explored.

We’ve all known women who get too involved too quickly, and then rationalise their doubts about the men they’re dating to justify staying in the relationship. I’ve often been guilty of rationalising my mate’s flaws, and one of the statements in the book that I relate to easily is that

Good-hearted people have the greatest risk for staying in a relationship with a jerk, because (they) so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances.

I’m among those who tends to tolerate far more than necessary in all my relationships - not just the romantic ones. I’m often too patient and forgiving for my own good, always trying to think the best of others, overlooking things that, for most people, would have been reason enough to end the relationship.

I think women - and Indian women in particular - are conditioned to be like that. To forgive, adjust and sacrifice - to their own detriment. I see many of my married friends frustated with their lives, unhappy with the way they’re treated by their husbands and in-laws, and going through various stages of depression. It makes me cherish my single status and my independence even more.

Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners and go on to have unhealthy relationships, notes Dr. Epp. For a happy relationship and marriage, both partners must be emotionally healthy, and free of childhood issues and unhealthy emotional baggage that might affect their ability to relate to the opposite sex. They must also have insight into their own behaviour, be willing to change, if necessary, and be in control of their emotions.

I realised that, if I had a pattern of attracting jerks, I had only myself to blame, because of my codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. Taking responsibility for my issues empowered me to change them.

Though I’ve always had a hard time being assertive and setting boundaries, I’m learning and getting better at it everyday. I’ve had to end relationships and cut some people out of my life, but I think of it as the price of growth.

I’m currently reading a really good book by Cheryl Richardson, called Stand Up for Your Life: Develop the Courage, Confidence, and Character to Fulfill Your Greatest Potential (available at Landmark bookstore in Mumbai). I highly recommend it if you need to learn the skills to assert yourself more powerfully.

I enjoy the process of improving my relationship skills, and am not averse to being in a romantic relationship. Love is great, but marriage is not an option for me right now. I find it too restricting, and am really enjoying the freedom to live life on my own terms.

It’s often the fear of failure that keeps us from wanting to commit. When it comes to relationships, it’s a very valid fear. But, hey, everything in life is a risk. Getting out of my house is a risk!

So if you’re single, dating and not averse to taking that risk, use the amazing insights in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, to make better relationship choices, and stack the odds in your favour.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Since I started on my path of personal and spiritual growth over a year ago, my life has changed in so many ways. I’ve been transformed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I learned new ways of thinking, feeling and being that I never had access to earlier.

As I started treating my body as my temple, I became more sensitive to the messages it sent me about what I ate and how I exercised. I lost the desire to eat many of the foods I used to enjoy. I found myself unable to tolerate junk food €œ which meant no more KFC or McDonalds - and became intolerant to anything cooked with too much spice or oil.

I eliminated coffee, red meat and alcohol from my diet. I still enjoy my tea and the occasional need to indulge my sweet tooth, but my diet now largely consists of fruit, cereals and eggs.

As I responded to my body’s needs, it reciprocated by losing all the pounds I’d piled on after pregnancy, and I regained my health and energy levels. On an emotional level, I dealt with insecurities, fear, grief, anger, and worked through many issues that were holding me back.

A lot of physical issues, like weight gain and skin conditions, resolved themselves once I got rid of my emotional baggage. It just proved to me how deeply connected our emotions are to physical dis-ease, a fact which Louise Hay explains so well in her book, Heal Your Body.

On a spiritual level, I learned to raise my vibration, to heal myself, and others. As I began to listen to messages from my inner self, my insights and intuition improved. I learned mindfulness, self-love and self-acceptance. Loneliness ceased to be an issue when I learned to cultivate a strong connection with myself, and the Divine.

At the risk of being labelled eccentric, I no longer think it selfish or unnatural when I prefer my own company - or that of a few good friends - over the mindless socialising that others seem to enjoy. I prefer solitary, mind-enhancing pursuits, like reading a good book or watching a movie or meditating, to hanging out in noisy places, like pubs or discos.

I feel calmer and more at peace with myself today. I’m learning now to align with my higher self, and respond from love, rather than fear and ego. I don’t expect life to be smooth, but know my new perspective will help me handle anything it throws at me with grace and optimism.

Despite it’s considerable benefits, the path of growth was often scary, and not always smooth and painless. In order to grow, we have to let go of things, and people, that have comforted and given us security all our lives.

We have to step out of our comfort zones, face our fears, take risks, try new things and follow our heart, even when those closest to us are unable to support or believe in us. To reach where I am today, I had to let go of a lot of things that no longer served me €œ old beliefs, values, lifestyles and relationships.

Discomfort with old ways of being, is part of the process of spiritual growth, explains Faith Lynella in her ebook, Aspirin for the Spiritual Hangover. She writes

Each leap up the vibration scale brings access to that level’s priorities and worldview. When your vibration rate increases, it’s harder to relate to the frequency you left behind - its people, interests, and beliefs. You have less and less in common with them.

As people vibrate at a higher level, they attract different people and circumstances to them. Those relationships out of alignment fall away. The basis for relationships will be defined by each person’s energy levels.

I found that sometimes old habits fell away easily and relationships ended painlessly. At other times, it was much harder and I had to make a conscious effort to let go. Often, my fears took me two steps forward and one step back. But I came to realise that, in order to gain something new, you have to let go of the old. That’s the way the universe works.

The key to surviving my spiritual hangover was learning new skills and attitudes, like acceptance of the process, and learning to let go of control and resistance. Surrender doesn’t come easy to a control freak like me, and I resisted change many times €œ with painful consequences.

It’s not all gloomy, however, because as you raise your vibration and let go of things that no longer serve you, you also begin to attract into your life people and circumstances that support the New You.

And, like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly, once you’ve reached a higher plane of existence, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to go back to where you came from.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Commitment. It’s a much-misunderstood word. Especially between couples in a relationship.

As Paige Parker, author of Dating Without Drama, notes in her latest Dating Dish column, whether your definition of commitment includes legal paperwork (aka marriage), or simply mean a verbal agreement between you and your boyfriend to date one another exclusively, or whether you only expect him to commit to actually calling when he says he’ll call, every woman’s expectations are different, as far as commitment is concerned.

Just as long as the man in your life is honoring your expectations, why fret about whether your relationship is heading towards some self-imposed deadline of marriage?

When I realised that I was the commitment-phobic one in my relationships, I did some serious thinking and realised that it wasn’t commitment I was nervous about. I’m just cautious about getting into a marriage too soon - or a bad marriage, to be more precise, since I see so many around me.

I’ve long ceased to believe that a legal agreement makes a marriage. Or even that love alone is enough to make a relationship work. In fact, I feel that giving too much importance to your legal status and the everyday routine of marriage can often kill a potentially wonderful relationship.

The reason I had so many reservations about making a commitment was because I haven’t yet met a man worth commiting to. I still have expectations of commitment in a relationship. But, for me, a commitment means much more than paperwork or passion.

It means:

• Honesty and Trust
• Loyalty and Exclusivity
• Respect for each other’s values and beliefs
• Being responsible and keeping one’s word
• Being the best of friends
• Making the relationship a priority
• Being there for each other when the chips are down
• Supporting each other’s dreams and goals
• Being open to growing and learning together

If a man is not capable of meeting the basic requirements above, he’s simply not worth commiting to on any level.

As I was telling a friend recently, ANY good relationship requires commitment to thrive. Whether it’s an agreement between friends, family members, business partners or lovers, a commitment is just a promise to the other person that they’re cared for and that their feelings matter.

The article here on Stress in Relationships notes that

While most people make (and break) commitments all the time, few of us know what it means to live committedly. In order to have happy, successful relationships with other people, you must understand the nature of human commitment.

True commitment is a context we create to keep our promises REGARDLESS OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. It is an unconditional pledge to ourselves and to others to live our lives consistent with our word. It is a decision - in advance - to always rise above our fleeting thoughts, feelings, moods, and situations and to deal with any problem or conflict in a way that enhances, rather than diminishes, the quality of our relationships.

As long as we make intelligent, sincere promises to other people, and as long as we endeavor to honor these promises - NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS - our relationships usually flourish. When we make foolish, naive, or insincere promises, however, or when we violate either the letter or the spirit of our commitments, our relationships tend to die because we destroy the very ground that gives them life.

So what does commitment mean to you?

Popularity: 9% [?]

Women often tend to ignore their own financial well-being, allowing the men in their lives - fathers, husbands or brothers - to take decisions for them. It’s ok to turn to more informed people for financial advice, but neglecting to understand your financial rights and options can get you in a big mess.

When I found myself single again, I was forced to start taking decisions that, until then, I had left to my late husband. Since he passed away suddenly and neglected to take out an insurance policy, I had to take that decision immediately, for the sake of my little daughter’s future.

The burden of handling property and legal matters fell to me, and though I handled it well, I wish I’d taken more interest in such things when my husband was alive. Drawing from my own experience, the focus of the current issue of Naaree.com is on Property Rights for women, the topic of a seminar held recently in Mumbai.

We also carry features on Insurance and Investments for Indian women, besides our usual columns on dating, diet and wellness.

Check out the new articles on Naaree.com below:

Property Rights and Women
According to the amended Hindu Succession Act women have equal rights in parental property. Despite this, women are still denied their propery rights in modern India, reports Pallavi Bhattacharya.

Insurance Options For Indian Women
Whether it is life, health or property, as women, we tend to rely on others to make these judgments for us. But insurance is and essential tool to secure a financially happy future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Investment Tools For Women
While more and more women are pursuing high powered careers and becoming an inherent and valuable part of workforce, few, however, are aware of how to make themselves financially secure. Kinnary Nensee shows you how the right investments can make all the difference.

Domestic Violence (Physical and Emotional Abuse): Questions to Ask
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Tolerating Abuse: How Much Is Enough?
It seems that for the average Indian family izzat is more important than a daughter. How much can we take and what is our limit when it comes to abuse, asks Khushboo Aulakh.

Tai Chi For Women
Relaxation, mood stabilising, weight loss, age control and self-defence - an adept Tai Chi practitioner can develop all of them. And aren’t these the very things every woman wants to acquire? Tai Chi, an internal martial art developed on thousands of years of Chinese history and culture is now taught and practised in India.

Dating Dish: Why ‘Perfect’ Men Are Dangerous
It’s human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, the only way that a *real* relationship can emerge is by giving it time to develop in a healthy way, advises our dating coach, Paige Parker.

Dark Circles Puffy Eyes: Easy Natural Remedies
Dark circles and puffy eyes are one of the most frequently asked how-to-cure skin care related questions. Our beauty columnist, Angela Purcell, author of Magical Skincare Kingdom, recommends natural ways you can dramatically reduce, if not eliminate them.

Grab the Wheel: How to Get in the Driving Seat of Your Life
Are you truly in the driving seat of your life, or are you carting around a back-seat driver, or a mini-bus load of little voices with big desires? If there’s someone reaching over to turn your wheel it may be time to get assertive about what you want in your life and where you want to go.

Happy reading!

Popularity: 11% [?]

I really loved this article by Samantha Stevens. It made me laugh and brought home a few truths about the stupid beliefs we new-agers sometimes have about the people we call “soulmates.”

Lately, I think people are investing too much energy in the idea that they “must find their soulmate.” Where do we get this idea that we are somehow not complete unless we are connected to another person? What are you? An electrical outlet waiting for a plug, so you can finally light up the world?

Frankly, when I hear the word “soulmate” I tend to give a little shudder, especially when I think about some of the people in my past that I have considered to be my soulmates. Quite frankly, most of my soulmates were idiots! The Buddha would say that they were also my teachers — people I have known in a previous life time who have come back in this lifetime to teach me a lesson.

Boy did they, but unfortunately, it sometimes takes several soul mates to teach us just one lesson. (Hint, hint — I think the lesson is supposed to be about “letting go” and stop trying to control, or own people — a common problem in this society.)

Most people think that they have found their soulmate just because they feel a strong connection to a person. Unfortunately, that connection may not have anything to do with spirituality at all. It is amazing how lust can convince us that we are spiritually connected to a person. The person may just seem familiar, because they remind you of an ex boyfriend, a parent, or even someone who molested you as a child.

I also hate the way the term soulmate is often used by people as an excuse to stay in a relationship where they are clearly being abused …half the time the abuser is using the concept of the soulmate as blackmail: “but you have to take this crap from me! You’re beholden to me. I knew you in another life!”

You can tell your soulmate is an idiot, if he left you eight months ago and you feel like he is still hanging around in your aura, or even worse, visiting you in dreams, or plaguing you with unwanted thoughts like “this was really all your fault, you know.” Time to evict this tenant from your cosmic field.

When it comes to soulmates, I subscribe to Oprah’s theory “that everybody is your soul mate.” In theory, you don’t have to have sex with every soul mate you meet — a soul mate can also be a child, a relative, a co-worker or even just a good friend.

One of the hazards of getting involved sexually and emotionally with someone who we believe was sent to us by God, or who we think was sent to us as “an angel on earth” is that we often become over attached to them and have trouble severing the connection.

Notice how anyone you’ve gotten rid off doesn’t qualify as a soulmate… but anyone who dumped you automatically ALWAYS makes the grade … ironically, you hear most people describe the last person who dumped them as their one and only soulmate.

If they were such a great soulmate, then why didn’t they stick around to build a future with you? Oh right, your soulmate was an idiot, too. It’s O.K. to admit your soulmate is an idiot, by the way. It makes the angels laugh …

Forget meditation. There’s nothing that dissolves bad karma faster than a bit of humour.

Samantha Steven’s articles have been published in many high-standing newspapers and she has published several books. If you wish to buy Samantha’s books about metaphysics click here http://www.insomniacpress.com/author.php?id=110 You can meet Samantha Stevens at http://www.psychicrealm.com where she works as a professional psychic. You can also read more of her articles at http://www.newagenotebook.com

Popularity: 14% [?]

Way before Cinderella, and her wimpy ilk, waited for a prince to rescue them from their misery, women have been looking to a man to make them happy.

Indian culture (and Bollywood movies) also perpetuated the Pati-Parmeshwar myth - that a woman should look up to her husband as “God”.

Sati (widow burning) - a perversion of the scriptures, banned by law many decades ago - was the outcome of the belief that a woman cannot have an existence, or an identity, without her husband.

Out Of The Dark Ages? Not Yet…

It’s true that, in ancient times, a woman’s survival depended on her ability to attract a man who would provide for her. Today, however, women have many more options.

We no longer live in the dark ages, but thousands of years of evolution and cultural conditioning are proving difficult to eliminate overnight.

So, even in this enlightened day and age, you’ll find women all over the globe, who are desperate to find a man to “complete” them, and provide for them.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a mate, someone you can spend a lifetime with. It can be wonderful to have someone to love, hold and cherish.

The problem arises when you start depending on your mate to help you heal your childhood wounds, and make you happy or whole. That’s your therapist/healer’s job, not his.

No one but you, has the power to make you happy. When you give that power over to someone else, when you look outside of yourself for love and acceptance, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

As How To Have a Healthy Relationship notes,

Do not expect anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. Being happy is your own job and you are the only person that can do it. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way.

The truth is that no one has the ability to make another person happy, but often we can share in another’s happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.

Expecting too much from your mate, and making him responsible for your happiness, is destructive to your relationship. Not even a saint can live up to that sort of expectation.

Sacrifice Is Not The Solution

Beware, if your man actually wants that you depend on him for everything, and urges you to give up your interests, hobbies or career to take care of him and his needs (like Kay Kay Menon’s character in Life In A Metro, a must-watch movie).

These men are usually extremely insecure, and afraid of women who are strong, independent, and likely to leave them if they behave badly.

Every woman deserves to have a fulfilling life of her own, and an identity beyond being a housewife and mother.

When you give up things that fulfil you and nurture your spirit, for someone else’s demands (like Shilpa Shetty’s character in the same movie), you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, frustration, disillusionment and disappointment.

A healthy relationship is based on compromise, not sacrifice. Women who choose to sacrifice their happiness for others usually end up as bitter, negative and nagging.

Choosing to take responsibility for your own needs will not only take the pressure off your relationship, but help you realise your self-worth as a person.

What If He’s Abusive?

But what about an abusive relationship, you ask? Isn’t he the one who’s perpetrating the abuse and making you unhappy?

Yes, but, in a relationship between two adults, the only reason he can do that to you is because you LET him. As a grown woman, you’re an intelligent, thinking human being, with the power to make your own choices.

If, at the first instance of abuse, you don’t walk out, or report an abusive man to the authorities, you’re teaching him that you’ll stay with him and tolerate his behaviour, no matter how he treats you or makes you feel.

Learning To Love Yourself

If you allow anyone to overstep your boundaries, or refuse to set limits to what you will tolerate, you’re showing them that you don’t love or respect yourself enough to leave the relationship.

Some women complain that they give a lot, and do a lot for others, but no one does anything for them. These women are usually codependents, people pleasers who depend on other people’s appreciation for their self-esteem.

They don’t realise that people only treat you the way you treat yourself. So, if you don’t respect yourself and allow yourself to be a doormat, that’s exactly how others in your life will treat you.

Choosing To Be Miserable

It takes just as much energy to decide to be happy as it does to be miserable. So why do so many women choose the latter?

After listening to many women complain about their lives, and what their men did to them, I realised that the payoff they get from remaining in their situation, is being able to complain and be a victim.

Many women have invested so much of their lives in playing the victim, that they have no reason to leave a bad relationship, because they’d no longer get the attention and sympathy they get by staying miserable.

And since misery loves company, you’ll often find these women with negative attitudes, sitting together, bitching about women who chose to put their own happiness first.

What Women Can Learn From Men

One of the things I respect about men, is that they refuse to complain about their problems. Complaining in a man is seen as a sign of weakness.

You’ll rarely find men venting about their problems to their wives. Except for the negative, complaining types (yes there are men like that, also), most prefer to find a solution and talk about it afterward. Women have a lot to learn from this attitude.

It’s ok to vent from time to time. But, as Dr. Margaret Paul, author of Inner Bonding, points out, many women use venting as an addiction, to avoid taking responsibility for their feelings, without exploring how they are responsible for creating their upsets, with no motivation to learn or change.

One reason, I believe, traditional psychotherapy fails to help such people is that it validates the expression of negativity, often for years.

With little or no encouragement to become more mindful and self-aware of how one’s attitudes are contributing to one’s own misery, patients are caught in a vicious loop that benefits no one but the therapist.

If you need to get rid of your negativity, use a diary or journal to write down your thoughts instead. Bitching and negativity will only send out more of the vibrations that you want to avoid.

Happiness Is A Choice

Fact: The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. How you react to any situation is less a reflection of what happens, than how you respond to what happens. Happiness is more a result of YOUR state of mind, than the state of the world.

There are people who can retain their optimism in even the worst of circumstances. And there are those who cannot be happy in any circumstances.

Your attitude is YOUR CHOICE. No one can make you miserable if you don’t LET them.

As this wonderful quote by Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, says,

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Take Responsibility For Your Choices

As 8 Ways To Happiness notes, you need to take ownership of your emotions and be responsible for the choices you make. And if you don’t like a situation in your life, you’re the only one who can change it.

If you’re in an unhappy relationship, explore the reasons why you’re unhappy. If it’s because you think your mate must do such-and-such to make you happy, you’re giving up power over your own life and expecting too much from him.

If he’s the same man you married, remember that you CHOSE him, and that expecting him to change for you is unfair.

If he’s changed and has abdicated his responsibilities or hurt you, then you need to take a serious look at whether you’re still compatible, and make your choices accordingly.

Just remember that change is inevitable. And if you and your mate can’t grow together and adjust through all life’s ups and downs, your relationship is not likely to stand the test of time.

So, instead of blaming your mate, your mother-in-law or anyone else for your misery, change your attitude and beliefs, and take the steps YOU need to take to be happy.

Taking responsibility for your own needs, your happiness and your life, is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself - and the only way to make your relationships work.

As I tell my daughter, if Cinderella had any sense, she’d have kicked her abusive step-mom and step-sisters out (after all, the house did belong to her legally) and got a life of her own.

I’m just glad that my daughter has better role models than weepy, disempowered women who refuse to take responsibility for their own happiness.

Related posts:

Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre

Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man

Stupid Mistake #7: Neglecting Yourself

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Thanks to Jennifer for pointing me to this amazing blog by a guy who is one of the few “REAL men” left on the planet. Some of his articles, like As a Sign of Respect, really blew me away.

Standing beside every good man is a wise woman whose love inspired him to become a great man during a crucial age and critical stage of his personal development. Please note that this wise woman is not standing behind, nor in front of, the inspired man whose life she is enhancing. Why?

Real men choose to treat women as equals. Real men refuse to abuse women. Real men refuse to relegate women to subservient positions. As a man, I know that I’m a much better person because of my wife, KWiz, and the plethora of wise, godly women who have contacted me and impacted my life over the years.

I sure wish more men thought about women the way this guy does.

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In a previous post on the Law of Attraction, I suggested that maybe what the world needs to eliminate terror, fear and negativity is a Campaign For Love.

So I created a little video here that you can use to spread the love, and the message of the Law Of Attraction to one and all.

Check it out at CampaignForLove.com

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