Soul Kadee

I just read this commentary on being Single and Satisfied by Sherry Obenauer M.Ed., M.A. Especially liked the part below:

…being single can be a life-saving, rejuvenating experience. In fact, one can’t truly be successful in a relationship without being single for a time. Being single allows us to do what we want, when we want, and with whom we want without having to answer to anyone. Being single allows us to take full responsibility for paying our bills, cleaning and decorating, cooking our meals, planning our activities, and entertaining ourselves.

It allows us the time to sit in quiet solitude, to run naked around the living room, to belch as loud as we want, and secretly watch shows that no one else would actually ever admit to watching. This is because we have more time on our hands and are not avoiding looking at ourselves by focusing our energies on someone else.

Basically, being single affords each of us the opportunity to discover who we are, what we do and don’t like, how we deal with things, what we want out of life, what our expectations are, what our potentials and limitations are, what energizes and empowers us, and what discourages and disappoints us.

The goal of being alone should not be to prepare us for couplehood. Rather, the goal of being single should be to learn to fulfill ourselves, to meet our needs, and to develop as a human being regardless of whether or not we choose to enter into a relationship.

By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill. The purpose of entering into a relationship should be to share oneself with another person as opposed to trying to get from someone what is lacking in ourselves. Expecting someone else to fill in the gaps usually results in grave disappointments , a sense of failure, and endless resentment.

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Amy Waterman, who owns the membership site, How To Be Irresistible To Men, just wrote a very insightful article on the Ten Reasons Why Dating Is Better After 30. Here’s her article, along with my comments on each of the points she makes.

10. You don’t have to worry about sneaking home at night and waking your parents.

One of the best things about dating when you’re in your thirties is that you are responsible for yourself. You can stay up late, invite him to your house for a nightcap, or stay over at his house without guilt. It’s your decision, because it’s your life.

This does apply to people in developed countries like the USA and UK. But in developing countries like India, privacy is almost non-existent, except if you live alone or with flatmates. Otherwise most single women (and men) choose to live with their parents well into their 30s, and even after marriage. The prevalence of joint/extended families also makes it difficult for people here to have their own lives. But it’s not all bad. Because at the end of the day it feels good to have the love and support of people who care about your welfare and safety. That’s something sorely lacking in the developed world.

9. You can afford nicer restaurants than McDonald’s.

I still remember my first date. We shared a strawberry milkshake at McDonald’s, and I was so starry-eyed with infatuation that anything would have tasted like ambrosia. Fortunately, my dinner dates these days are much healthier and better suited to romance.

I associate MacDonalds only with Happy Meals, lousy food, and a child-friendly place where I can feed my brat without having to tear my hair in frustration. I’m the kind of person who loves to treat myself to a dinner date, and enjoy my own company while I watch the world go by. For first meetings I prefer a crowded, less intimate place like a coffee shop. Haven’t yet found a nice man to go on a dinner date with.

8. You’re into something more than getting trashed on weekends.

By the time most of us reach our thirties, the novelty of getting drunk every weekend has usually worn off. Curling up next to one another on the sofa and watching a movie can feel just as pleasurable as clubbing until dawn.

Hmm, I know people who enjoy getting trashed well after their 30s. But I rarely associate with these types, since I choose not to drink, smoke or abuse my body in any way. And yes, I’d opt for a quiet dinner or watching a funny movie on TV, to a smoky, noisy pub anyday!

7. You know a bit more about life and love.

One of the scariest things about dating when you’re a teenager is starting out from a state of ignorance. We’re not born knowing how it all works. As exciting as it feels to kiss a boy for the first time, that heady hormonal rush is tempered by anxiety. Very few people get through their early dating years without feeling paralyzed by a horrible fear of messing up. That’s why it’s so nice to have enough experience to be realistic about the whole process: dating can be disappointing, exciting, embarrassing, and exhilarating - sometimes all at the same time!

I guess, I do know a LOT more about love and life today, but then I never really “dated”, because I met and fell in love with the man I married when I was 16. So for me, getting back into the dating scene in my 30s was every bit as scary and new as when I was 16. I’ve had my share of disappointments and heartbreak, but I’m more confident and secure than I was in my 20s. The main thing that’s different for me is that the men I end up dating are often from widely different age groups, ranging from those in their late 20s to those in their 50s.

6. You no longer put up with the bullshit.

By the time you reach your thirties, you’ve gained a little wisdom when it comes to relationships. You can call a spade a spade. You value yourself enough to say “no” to a bad situation.

So true!! But this only applies if you’re secure in yourself, realistic about love and relationships, and don’t feel pressured into settling down with the first person you meet. A lot of women who have never been married, become so desperate to tie the knot once they reach their 30s, that it severely impairs their judgement when it comes to choosing a partner, and they’re willing to settle for less than they deserve.

5. You can play the “Mrs. Robinson” card.

If it’s good enough for Demi Moore, it’s good enough for us! There’s nothing more fun than being the naughty “older” woman. You may even find that a lot of younger men are dreaming of a Mrs. Robinson to initiate them into the ways of love.

I used to have a “thing” for older men, because I find them more confident, secure, patient and better informed than most younger men. They’re also more settled in their careers and understand the importance of spending time with a partner. What I dislike about them is that they tend to be jaded and cynical about love. They also lack the sense of adventure that younger men have. Besides, what younger men lack in experience, they compensate for in energy and enthusiasm. I’m not into the “initiating” bit, though. I prefer men who are experienced in the ways of love. I think you can have a lot of fun with a younger man, as long as you don’t have too many expectations from such a relationship, or decide to just remain friends. Settling down with one would require a great deal more adjustment.

4. Your relationship has a greater chance of lasting.

Compared with couples who marry as teenagers or in their early twenties, your relationship will stand a greater chance of lasting if you wait to marry until AT LEAST your mid-twenties. This makes sense intuitively as well as statistically. When you marry at an older age, you know yourself better. You know what you can live with. You are both more financially stable. You’ve had enough dating experience to build some relationship skills.

Usually, working women will have achieved some degree of career success and financial security in their 20s, to allow them to slow down and enjoy marriage and motherhood in their 30s. Those who get married in their 20s are often unprepared for the amount of adjustment they have to make when the kids come along. The best time to get married and have kids is when you’re older, wiser, financially secure and know what you want from yourself and your partner.

3. The sex is better.

Whereas the male sex drive peaks in his late teens, the female sex drive is only revving up. Women hit their stride in their thirties, a period that often coincides with a greater body acceptance and a more relaxed attitude towards what happens in bed.

Oh, definitely!! In your 30s, you’ve been there, done that, as far as sex is concerned. Especially if you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship. Sex is no longer that hurried, frantic activity you have to finish before the kids wake up. You now enjoy taking things slow, and are able to appreciate the spiritual and emotional connection that comes with a relationship much more than when you were just beginning to explore your sexuality.

2. You can see what you’re getting with him.

When you’re dating in your teens and twenties, the energy and ambition of youth makes it difficult to clearly see who your partner will actually turn out to be. The young man who goes to Stanford for a business degree may drop out to flip burgers and play in a band. The local jock may become the paunchy middle manager whose idea of flexing his arm muscles is lifting a beer glass. Luckily, by the time a man reaches his thirties, his lifestyle choices will give you a good indication of where he sees himself going in life.

True. Its good to be with someone who has a sense of purpose and direction. But not all men in their 30s have that sense of security. With downsizing, lay-offs and people changing careers mid-stream, women need to be financially independent, so that they have to don’t depend on a man to take care of them. Being comfortable with the uncertanity of life is also a good skill to learn no matter how old you are.

1. You’ve got more going on in your life than him.

Yes, for me the best part about being 30+ is that life is so much fuller, richer, and more satisfying than ever before. Whether you have a relationship or not, you’ve created a life that you can be proud of. You no longer depend on a man for your sense of self-worth. Dating is part of your life but not everything. As a result, relationships become something wonderful to be valued when you have them, but not despaired over when you don’t.

I agree completely! Especially with the last statement. Once you have a full life, you can enjoy your relationships as an experience to cherish and learn from, rather than a goal to work towards.

Click here for more of Amy’s dating tips and relationship advice.

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This article by Joie Davidow, describing the advantages of the single life, for women who are blissfully single by choice, literally took the words out of my mouth. She describes the way I think, feel and live my life, almost exactly as if I wrote it myself.

…the advantages of unmarried life seem perfectly obvious to me: I never have to do anything to accommodate the “other.” I cook dinner if and when I feel like eating it, and only if I’m in the mood to cook.

I stretch out all over my queen-sized bed. If I wake up in a good mood, I don’t have to contend with someone who wakes up in a bad one — and vice versa.

It’s nobody’s business but mine if I spend too much money on clothes or makeup. I don’t have to put up with anybody’s boring friends or annoying relatives, or listen to the football game blaring from the den.

If I decide I’d like to vacation in Mexico, I just do it. I could go on for pages without exhausting the list of petty annoyances inherent in a good marriage, without even beginning to address the miseries of a bad one.

Oooh, love all that! But one thing I appreciate most about being single is not having to clean up after another person, and being able to find things exactly where I left them when I get back home.

Whether or not you can be happily single boils down in part to how you regard solitude, notes psychologist and relationship guru, Dr. Michael Broder. Ah, the bliss of solitude! That supremely, self-indulgent state of aloneness.

“People who are not happily single turn solitude into loneliness,” Broder says. That and self-loathing are the main emotional issues in being single if you’re the type who has a hard time living life without a mate.

If you find yourself single and struggling with loneliness, Broder encourages you to learn to enjoy your solitude — it is after all a precious thing — and to reject the clichés about being on your own.

My own battle with loneliness ended the moment I decided to transform my relationship with myself. To be my own best friend, and accept myself as perfect, whole and complete - just the way I am. Perhaps you’re meant to be single, or meet someone later in life. Either way, says Dr. Broder, it’s healthy to have had a lot of alone time in which you’ve developed some independence.

If you do eventually find a mate and give up the single life, the lessons you learn from solitude - to be independent, to enjoy your own company, have your own goals, your own friends, and give your mate his space, will ultimately allow you to bring more to a relationship and make it healthier in the long run.

But, the most beautiful thoughts on a healthy togetherness and marriage were penned by Kahlil Gibran, when he wrote that:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

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One of the reasons women end up ruining a beautiful relationship is that they are desperate for a commitment or a proposal from their man.

But believing that marriage is going to make you happy is like a thirsty man running towards a mirage in a desert. It’s a false belief that will quickly evaporate once you reach your destination.

After my last post, “Are You Marriage Material?“, I came across a great bit of advice on marriage and relationships by a guy called Dr. Neder, author of “Being A Man In A Woman’s World.”

I so totally agreed with the points he made that I thought all women should read them. Dr. Neder explains exactly why your flawed thinking about marriage is keeping you from the happiness you deserve.

First of all, marriage isn’t a “relationship”, it’s a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together, dating exclusively, dating non-exclusively, triads, quadrads, those with kids, those without kids, those with pets, etc., etc., etc. There are literally thousands of different relationship formats out there. None is more “valid” than any other.

Second of all, being married doesn’t give you any more security than not being married. He can leave you just as well as he can now.

Third of all, men and women view marriage as very different things. Women see marriage as security (false, as I’ve already explained), future, family, status, and many other things. Men on the other hand see marriage as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, having a business partner to share in all of their decisions, and many other negative things. With this understanding, it’s a wonder that any man gets married in the first place!

Fourth of all, if being married is so gosh-darn important to you, what are you waiting for? I’d bet you can find someone in the next 30 days that would marry you if you just ask enough people. Then, you’d finally be happy, right? Everything would be just fine because you’re married and you wouldn’t have to go through all of this, right? Of course not. Marriage has little to do with happiness. Trust me on this.

Fifth of all, consider that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce. Of the 1/2 that survive, how many of them do you think that the people in them report as being “happy”? Do you think it’s 90%? Do you think it’s 75%? Nope: only 30% of married partners claim that they’re “happy” inside the marriage! That means that 15% of all marriages are happy. Those aren’t very good odds!

I’m not trying to paint a bleak picture here of marriage for you, but I’m trying to help you change your focus. Marriage isn’t the goal - having a good, solid, happy relationship; where all people involved (even your kids) should be the goal. Whatever form that relationship takes to make it this way is the one you really want, right? Frankly, if you’re that focused on the marriage and are willing to give up all the other things that are so important, as I’ve already said, you’re really missing the boat here.

FACT: If you’re miserable when single, you’ll be miserable when married. As long as you keep believing that you need another person to “complete” you, you will be chasing a mirage of happiness, and end up disappointed every time.

In fact, the easiest way to drive away a man is to make him responsible for your happiness. If your happiness comes with a price tag (I would be happy if only he did this or that) he’s not going to stick around for long. And he’ll be right to leave, because no one needs that kind of pressure.

Understand that happiness is a choice, and your happiness depends on only one person - YOU. All misery is the result of either living in the past or worrying about the future. By worrying about the future of your relationship, you are ruining a perfectly good present.

When you learn to live in the moment, you will be free to enjoy your partner’s company and appreciate what he contributes to your life. Not 2, 3 or 5 years from today, but now, in this very minute.

Our limiting beliefs about marriage (that if he doesn’t propose in 2 to 3 years it’s time to call it off) are what prevent many women from staying in what would otherwise be happy, fulfilling relationships. But who makes these rules? And where do these beliefs come from? Family, parents, society, conditioning.

To be truly happy and content is to be free of these limiting beliefs that govern our lives. When we stop judging, compartmentalising and labelling our relationships according to the dictates of culture and society, when we learn to take life as it comes, we’ll be able to see our partners for who they truly are - fellow travellers on a journey called life.

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One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Why do I relate so well to this quote by a famous gay writer? Perhaps because, with the news filled with reports of Hollywood-style break-ups and disastrous marriages, it rings true, now more than ever.

It’s like there’s a celeb filing for divorce almost every other day - Jessica and Nick, Britney and K-Fed, Jude and Sienna, and (the real shocker) Reese and Ryan!! And the awful stats on marriage and divorce make you wonder why people bother getting hitched in the first place.

Kids, that’s why! Most people get married when they want to start a family and give their kids legitimacy. Britney clearly had that on her mind from day one. Now that the packages (read, babies) are delivered, K-Fed has become Fed-Ex.

But was it necessary to go through the indignity of a very public marriage and divorce to be a mother? Adoption is, after all, the latest celebrity fad. Instant babies, minus the stretch marks and flab!

You don’t even need two biological parents to care for a child nowadays. An extended family can nuture a child in the absence of one or both biological parents. A grandparent, uncle or aunt can replace the male or female role model, if necessary.

So is marriage becoming an outdated concept in a world of divorces and disposable spouses? As the commitment-phobic man would say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Of course, women have their own version, which is, “Why buy the whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?”

Then, there are those like Alyque Padamsee, the much-married ad-guru of India, who think that marriage should be a 10-year contract (sort of like a US Visa), and be renewed only if both partners wish it. Guess he’s not a long-haul kind of guy.

I think everyone should try marriage at least once! Twice, if they can afford it. Empathizing with the problems married couples endure, and having a repertoire of “married” jokes, is a social skill everyone should acquire.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood

Personally, I loved being married. Like all couples, we had our share of problems, but we adored each other. It helped, of course, that we fell in love in our teens, when neither of us was very picky. Back then things were much simpler, love came easy, and life was very different from the fast-paced, stressful life that we live today.

But, I think the real reason divorce is hitting an all time high, and belief in marriage as an institution is waning, is that the new generation (and young women, in particular) have far more choices open to them today, than their parents ever had.

And by choices I mean the ability, means, and legal sanction to:

- Leave an abusive relationship. Whereas most women of our parent’s generation would have chosen to stay in an abusive relationship (and still do), young women today have much greater support from parents, society and the law, and when faced with that choice, they are more likely to opt out (with good reason).

- Pursue happiness agressively. And whether that means choosing to leave an unfulfilling relationship because of “irreconciliable differences” or career choices, young people have much more legal and societal support than their parents did.

While the aim of being in a happy, fulfilling relationship is worth pursuing, I know how much work and sacrifice (not to mention loyalty and commitment) it takes to make a go of it. And today’s youth are far less committed to their relationships, and less tolerant of differences.

After all, why bother, when it’s so easy to end something that isn’t working and start over with someone new? What they don’t realise, however, is that the issues that plagued them in their old relationships are likely to follow them into the new relationship as well.

My nonchalance about marriage has more to do with the fact that I’ve already fulfilled my biological purpose of providing my parents with a lovely granddaughter they adore. Freed of the need to procreate, I can afford to stay single for the rest of my life, if I so choose. I know, I’m spoiled for choice!

For most young people however (and women, in particular), the pressure to settle down and have kids makes many of them rush into marriage without assessing the suitability of the person they’ve chosen as a life partner.

The question, then, is not whether marriage is an outdated institution, but whether YOU and your partner are marriage-material. Do you both have what it takes to make a good marriage? Are you truly ready for marriage and all it entails?

Here are some things to consider if you’re in a relationship or planning to take the plunge.

Know What You Want

It’s smart to date until you have the MATURITY and CLARITY to know what you want from yourself and your partner, before you decide to settle down. Dating allows you to learn more about the opposite sex, teaches you what sort of people to avoid, and helps you understand how to deal with problems that crop up.

Don’t Rush Things

Instead of giving in to the heady emotion that accompanies “falling in love” and rushing into a commitment you might regret, take the time to get to know each other for at least TWO TO THREE YEARS (anything before that is a risk) before deciding whether you want to spend your lives together. Ending a relationship can be painful, but it’s much less painful than a divorce, especially when there are kids involved (ask Britney and K-Fed).

Live In The Moment

Instead of keeping one eye on the goal (marriage) and pressuring your partner into a commitment, learn to live in the moment, appreciate your partner for who they are, and enjoy your time together. Take every relationship as a learning experience, because that’s exactly what it is.

Educate Yourself

Learn what it takes and doesn’t take to build a great relationship together. Is the opposite sex a mystery to you? You can learn how they think and feel from self-help and relationship books. I learned a great deal about men and relationships from the books I’ve read (I recommend some on my site). Check out this selection of books on relationships and marriage.

Get Your Act Together

If you have problems handling your emotions, have codependent tendencies, or addictions (that can be lethal to a relationship), approach a counsellor and learn healthy ways to communicate with your partner, manage anger, deal with disappointment, stress and sexual needs. These skills will stand you in good stead when your marriage hits the inevitable bumps along the way.

Deserve What You Want

I’m reading an ebook of that name by Scot McKay, and highly recommend it if you’re widowed/divorced and looking at getting into the dating scene the second time around. It shows you how to take charge of your own dating life and attract a good partner by (surprise, surprise) becoming a great partner yourself (I wrote an article on this here). You can download a preview of Deserve What You Want here. I also recommend Be the Person You Want to Find : Relationship and Self-Discovery by Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher.

I’m the first one to admit that I’m definitely NOT marriage material right now. For one, I’m fiercely independent and focused on my home and career. And second, my plate is too full for me to take on the additional responsibility of caring for another person.

That might change in the future, but for now, I’ll just take my own advice, live in the now, be my quirky self, and appreciate the love and abundance in my life.

‘Do not dwell in the past, Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate your mind on the present moment’.
- Buddha

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We are spiritual beings having a human experience. But what does spirituality mean to you? Only you can answer that.

To me, being spiritual is not about believing in some esoteric philosophy that 90% of the world cannot access or understand.

Spirituality does not come from a holy book. It is not a complex set of ideas only meant for monks and priests. It’s not about following rituals or having beliefs that exclude other cultures or communities.

The kind of spirituality I believe in is the kind I practice in everyday life. The thoughts I think, the words I speak, the actions I choose, the way I conduct myself when alone or with others, the work I do, the choices I make - the little things I do every day of my life.

To me, all these things are an expression of spirituality:

• Eating food
• Bathing
• Nurturing myself
• Making love
• Expressing gratitude for the abundance in my life
• Expressing love to myself and others
• Setting goals or intentions for my life
• Sharing belly-laughs with a special friend
• Giving a massage
• Watching a sunset
• Being a mother
• Reading a book
• Watching a movie
• Listening to music
• Singing
• Dancing
• Exercising
• Meditating
• Taking a walk
• Planting a tree
• Writing this blog

The information at Heal Past Lives has a lot of concepts that resonate with my own ideas of spirituality. This article, titled Hallmarks of the Spiritually Advanced Being, has a list of 12 simple standards to measure your level of spiritual advancement.

• #1: LOVE - The Spiritually Advanced are models of unconditional LOVE
• #2: JOY - The Spiritually Advanced find JOY in every moment
• #3: TRUTH - The Spiritually Advanced are seekers after TRUTH
• #4: COURAGE - The Spiritually Advanced draw strength from COURAGE
• #5: TRUST - The Spiritually Advanced TRUST unconditionally
• #6: PURPOSE - The Spiritually Advanced are living their PURPOSE in life
• #7: ABUNDANCE - The Spiritually Advanced manifest ABUNDANCE
• #8: CLARITY - The Spiritually Advanced are CLEAR channels for God
• #9: SIMPLICITY - The Spiritually Advanced unfold in SIMPLICITY
• #10: GENTLENESS - The Spiritually Advanced act with GENTLENESS
• #11: GRATITUDE - The Spiritually Advanced are always GRATEFUL
• #12: BALANCE - The Spiritually Advanced maintain BALANCE in living

So how many of these qualities do YOU possess?

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Three Simple but Extremely Powerful Practices That Raise Your Vibration

Higher vibrational frequency is the name of the game in experiencing joy, ease, peace, true wisdom and total Love. The higher we rise in frequency, the closer to Source we are vibrationally, and the more we experience the God-knowingness and true power of Source.

Your frequency is correlated with the amount of Life Force you have flowing freely through you, so maintaining alignment with Source and allowing full and free flow of Life Force is crucial to experiencing the sublime realm of higher frequency. Here are some key strategies for staying aligned and moving Life Force through you:

Radiate Love unconditionally. When you stop tying your Love to people and other entities, your ego will find less reasons to withhold Love and pinch off the flow of Life Force, also known as Love, through you. Ego will always find reasons why someone doesn’t deserve your Love, or will shut down or diminish the flow if it thinks the object of your Love isn’t open to receive it, etc.

If Source € demonstrating the highest vibrational frequency € considered whether or not we were open to receive Love before allowing Love to flow, Creation would collapse! So, instead of loving someone or something, make it your practice to simply love, period!

Loving, no matter what, just as Source does, is the key to maintaining higher vibrational frequency. And you can trust that your Love is always received€it is received by the receptive aspects of Source, thus completing the grand cycle of Love going out from, and returning to, Source.

Be impeccably honest. Honesty maintains you in the Flow of Life Force and Love. Dishonesty is of the ego, therefore, being dishonest necessarily removes you from the Flow. In order to be dishonest, which is an ego-manipulation strategy, you step out of Love and into the lower vibrational realm of duality, the misery matrix, the place where ego exists.

While your ego may tell you that being dishonest is a survival strategy, it is telling you an untruth. Because there is no Life Force in duality, being dishonest depletes Life Force€hardly a survival move!

Honesty is not only the way to stay in the Flow, or to step back into it if you’ve fallen for ego’s misguided manipulations, your honesty provides an invitation back into the Flow for everyone connected to you. Of course, being completely honest with yourself is the first step.

Make joy your #1 priority. Joy is your emotional response to higher frequency, and your guide to whether you’re in or out of the Flow. When you feel joyful, you are in the Flow. When you are feeling less-than-joyful, your ego has choked off the full flow of Life Force through you. When you’re in the Flow, your frequency is elevated due to the increased Life Force moving through you, and you experience joy and its constant companions, ease and peace, the state of being we all long for.

The longing for joy is the carrot the Creator installed within us to assure that however far we dipped in frequency, we would always desire to come Home to the frequency level at which we were designed to thrive. When you make experiencing joy your first priority, your life aligns around that, and supports your staying in joy. When you are in joy, whatever you create is in alignment with joy, so joy begets more joy!

Contrary to popular belief, joy is not just the result of some sort of mystical coming together of favorable factors, but is the result of continually choosing to be in vibrational alignment and in the Flow.

©2006 Julia Rogers Hamrick

Julia Rogers Hamrick has been a spiritual-growth facilitator for over two decades, and is the author of Recreating Eden: The Exquisitely Simple, Divinely Ordained Plan for Transforming Your Life and Your Planet. Julia writes about and leads seminars on proactive joy, and the relationship between frequency and experience.
http://www.recreating-eden.com

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I’m a Quirkyalone - someone who’s content to be on her own and doesn’t feel the need to go on endless dates or be part of a couple.

I admitted as much to Debjani Ray who interviewed me for an article on Quirkyalones in Mumbai for the Sunday’s edition of DNA (Daily News And Analysis). If you can’t access it at that link, download it here.

The article erroneously put my age at 37 and my daughter’s at 6. Actually I’m 36 and she’s 7. Minor detail. Here’s one of the photos they took of me and Sara, outside Infiniti Mall in Andheri.

I enjoyed reading the opinions of the other quirkys quoted in the article, and especially agree with the guy who thinks of relationships as a way to grow and enhance our lives, not a way to escape from loneliness.

You can be lonelier in a bad relationship/marriage, than when single. Better single and happy, than married and miserable, I say. And I see a LOT of “married and miserables” around me nowadays. One more reason to remain single.

Another reason I like being single is because (as I said in the DNA article) I can’t think of sharing my personal space with another person. It would mean too much adjustment, and I don’t need that.

I love my freedom and independence, and am not willing to give that up for anyone right now. I believe in being with someone because I CHOOSE to, not because I HAVE to.

Some people might call that commitment-phobic. But marriage is a lifetime commitment. And, having been in a marriage (which, for the most part, was happy), I take commitment much too seriously to get involved with a man who doesn’t meet my standards of what I want in a partner.

Besides, I don’t know anyone who gets married thinking, “Oh, it’s not going to last anyway, so we might as well have fun for a few years and then, when we’re bored with each other, we’ll get a divorce.” I know Hollywood celebs do it all the time, but do we really need to complicate our lives for the sake of a piece of paper?

It’s not that I’m against marriage. I’m just against marrying for the WRONG reasons. And that includes:

• Feeling lonely or unloved: This comes from a lack of self-love. It’s something no one can give you but yourself. Applies to both men and women.
• Financial security: Women are guilty of this one. But, unless you have a trust fund or a rich dad, being financially independent is essential for a women. So stop letting your brain cells degenerate with those saas-bahu soaps, ladies. Put that education to use and get yourself a career.
• Respectability: No longer a valid reason to get married. Single people and courting couples now get as much respect as smug marrieds. Even in India.
• “My biological clock is ticking”: Having kids is not a good enough reason to get married nowadays. Thanks to celebs like Sushmita Sen, Madonna and Angelina Jolie, single parenting and adoption are now respectable options.
• Fear of old age: Having a spouse to take care of you or be a companion in old age is no reason to get married. Like the lady in the DNA article, I’d rather pay someone to take care of me than marry for that reason. Having a lively social life and a few good friends of my age is all the companionship I need, thank you.
• Wanting someone to “keep house”: This is the #1 reason many of you mama’s boys choose to get married. Shame on you, guys! If you want hot meals and a clean home, learn to do it yourself or pay someone to do it. Your wife is not your servant.

But I think one of the main reasons I’m so content being single is that I have no illusions about Prince Charming coming along on his white horse to save me. In case your mother forgot to tell you, THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING coming to save you. Not now! Not ever!

Not like I need saving anyway. We Aries women (think Scarlett O’Hara) are quite capable of saving his highness’ princely ass, as well as our own, thank you very much.

Sure, I believe in love, but not as an emotion. For me, love is a practice, a way of living and being. Romantic love is far too restrictive to encompass the beautiful expression of caring, giving and compassion that I call love. In a relationship, love is something that grows over time. It happens naturally and can’t be forced.

Nor am I against being in a relationship. I see relationships as a path to personal and spiritual growth. I believe that people are mirrors, reflecting back to us what we need to change in ourselves. In a relationship you learn things about yourself (and others) that you can never learn on your own.

Our partners are sent to us when we have something new to learn. When we act from our higher self and learn our lessons well, we go on to the next level of consciousness. If we choose to act from ego, the lesson will be sent to us again, till we learn it. That’s the reason patterns keep repeating in our relationships (like when you keep attracting abusive men or losers).

I cherish all my relationships, because I’ve learned and grown with each and every person I’ve encountered. And I don’t mean only lovers, although I’ve probably learned much more from them, and am grateful for every precious moment.

I believe that more and more people will choose to become quirkyalones, cohabit, or wait for marriage until they find the right partner. So is marriage a dying institution? I’ll write more on that later, but do leave your thoughts till then.

As far as being a Quirkyalone goes, like the slogan says, “I’m loving it!”

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I don’t mean Dr. Hawking’s theories on the universe and black holes. I mean his reasons for remaining in an allegedly abusive relationship with his wife/nurse, Elaine, for 17 years.

When asked his reason for remaining with her, he supposedly answered, “Any relationship is better than no relationship” (or something to that effect).

Wrong, Dr. Hawking! No relationship is worth staying in if it destroys your self-esteem and poses a threat to your health and well-being.

Because Dr. Hawking suffers from motor neurone disease and is practically an invalid, he’s especially vulnerable to abuse. What I fail to understand, however, is why a man like him tolerated it for so long! I guess intelligence is no guarantee against making stupid choices in relationships.

Women are not the only ones abused. Men are often abused too. Men find it even harder to admit to being abused because of the male ego. I think men are more prone to abuse others physically, while women are more prone to become verbal and emotional abusers (or the passive-agressive types). A man’s ego is a very fragile thing and many women know they can gain power over a man by destroying that.

Women tolerate abuse because of financial or emotional dependence, low self-esteem and for the sake of the kids. But why do men tolerate it? Is it just the shame or the fragile male ego that doesn’t let them admit to abuse? According to BatteredMen.com, some of the feelings men experience in abusive relationships are very similar to what women experience.

Shame: What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me? It’s a private matter - it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she’ll tell everyone I’m the abusive one, and shame me in public. I’m ashamed I’m not strong enough to defend myself. Everyone knows it’s men that are the violent ones [the shame of male for being male].

Self-Worth: I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I’ll ever be able to get.

Denial: It’s not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. [That’s what TV star Phil Hartman said , before his wife murdered him and killed herself.] I can weather this one, just like I did the others.

Reluctance to Give Up the Good: If people got to know her, they’d see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is. She’s like this only some of the time. The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little. I’d be lost without a relationship with her. I’d be lost without a relationship.

Inertia: It’s too hard to do anything. I’m not ready for that much change in my life. I’ll do it tomorrow, or later, when I’m not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now. Force of habit. I’m used to life the way it is now.

The Kids: Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he’ll never be able to come back. In today’s climate, there’s a good chance she’ll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids, and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids.

Fear of having a 911 call turned around: If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs police help.

Why Do Battered Men Stay? has a selection of articles that will help you understand why men stay in abusive relationships or remain silent.

Resources for Abused Men:

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

Insult to Injury: Rethinking our Responses to Intimate Abuse

When She Was Bad…: Violent Women and the Myth of Innocence

Popularity: 5% [?]

The popular notion of love is that it’s a feeling, an emotion. But is that really true? While being in love does generate powerful feelings and emotions, those are just the symptoms or effect of love.

In a spiritual sense, love is a way of life, a way of being. We do not fall in love or feel love. We practice love. Love is about DOING, not feeling.

When you spend time with the people you care about, perform acts of service for them, speak to them in a loving manner, touch or hug them them lovingly, or present them with a token of your appreciation for what they bring to your life, you’re practising the Art of Love.

I’ve been reading a beautiful book called “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. It’s an excellent resource to learn how to express your love in a way that your mate will understand.

Why is that important, you ask? Well, according to Chapman, each of us has a primary preference for the way we understand love.

The art of effectively communicating love to your mate requires that you gain an understanding of his/her primary love language. Without that understanding, you may be expressing love in a way that YOU understand, but your mate doesn’t.

This gap in communication and understanding is often what causes lovers to feel unappreciated. It’s not a man-woman thing, but a preference created by the way our parents and caregivers expressed love when we were children.

So what are the Five Love Languages? According to Chapman, they are

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

My primary love language is Quality Time, followed by Acts of Service. So if someone were to buy me flowers or gifts, I would appreciate them, but not as much as if they spent time with me, or showed me that they cared by doing little things for me.

Though we have a primary love language, we can learn a second language so that our spouse’s needs are met. It’s all about giving a little here and there, and accepting that our spouse’s preferred channel may be different from ours.

There’s a nice little test you can take here to find out what your primary love language is. This is what my results on the test looked like.

#1 Quality Time: This can be expressed either through those intimate tete-a-tete discussions or via doing things together. It’s possible to get a low score in this category because you have a strong preference for one form of Quality Time over another.

#2 Acts of Service: You prefer to show your love through favors and chores and doing things for others. You feel put-upon and unappreciated when your efforts are taken for granted.

#3 Touch: You want to give and/or receive affection physically. This may or may not center around sex.

#4 Words of Affirmation: You need to hear praise to know you are loved and you may also prefer to express your affection verbally. Negative comments cut right to the bone. You want to hear that you’re loved and how much and why.

#5 Gifts: You are moved by presents and physical tokens of affection. It’s the fact that someone is thinking about you enough to give you something that moves you. The objects are of secondary importance to the relationship and sentiment with which they were intended.

To transform our relationships, we need to stop getting caught up in feelings and emotions, and start practicing acts of love. When we learn the love languages of each of the people in our lives, we can express our love in more meaningful ways.

Love manuals on my reading list:

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

Buddhist teacher and writer David Richo gives practical and spiritual exercises for couples and singles who want to have mature and lasting relationships. Emphasizing paying attention and letting go, Richo gently and compassionately coaches readers on what he calls the five A’s: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. His book, which proposes “letting go of ego,” will help those seeking personal transformation in their relationships.

The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love

The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love shows us how to push through the fear and negativity that erode relationships, and embrace a life-affirming approach to love.

The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing

Philosophical, inspiring, and ultimately very practical, Deepak Chopra’s The Path to Love is a book that can change lives as it invites the spirit to work its wonders on the most complex and richly rewarding terrain of all: the human heart.

How to Make Love All the Time: Make Love Last a Lifetime

Renowned relationship and self-improvement expert, Barbara DeAngelis, teaches you the secret ingredients for building a successful and exciting relationship — and making love last a lifetime.

Popularity: 7% [?]