Soul Kadee

A pill to stop your periods, scream the headlines announcing the fact that scientists are working on a pill that could eliminate the need for women to have monthly menstruation.

Yes, it might be beneficial for sensitive women like me, who suffer from painful periods and PMS for a few days every month. But, despite my discomfort, I’d rather bear the pain (I can’t take painkillers), leave my daughter with my parents, and catch up on my rest on those days, than pop a pill to get rid of a perfectly normal biological function.

My period and my monthly changes define my womanhood, and no one has the right to play around with that. Besides, who decides these things anyway? And who benefits by defining a woman’s period as something that should be done away with? Only the kind of men who have no respect for women and believe that a woman’s period is a mere inconvenience.

Men like Dr. Elsimar Coutinho, a Brazilian gynecologist and co-author of the book “Is Menstruation Obsolete?” (I wonder what gave him THAT idea!), who writes,

From a medical point of view, menstruation has no beneficial effects for anyone. For many women, it is actually harmful to their health.

I have never read a bigger load of CRAP!!! (And I never use three exclamation marks, so you can imagine how MAD I am).

Would Mother Nature design something so vital to our fertility, and then go make it “harmful”? I think not! Besides what gives a clueless male like Dr. Coutinho, the right to tell a woman that she should deny her femininity?

I love being a woman and I support every woman’s right to control her own body, even if she chooses to do so by having fewer periods. But it should be HER choice - not the result of brainwashing by males, who understand nothing of what a woman goes through during her monthly cycle.

I mean how would men feel if we decided that it was inconvenient and unattractive for them to have body and facial hair, and that they needed a pill or injection to “eliminate” these unnecessary vestiges of manhood?

And while we’re on that route, why not just declare testosterone a threat to World Peace, since it’s the cause of most of the violence we see in the world today? Lets have a pill to do away with testosterone.

Voluntary Emasculation In The Name Of Non-Violence!!! I wonder how that would sound to men like Dr. Coutinho.

I’m no feminist, just a woman who loves being a woman (and everything that goes with it). But, when I see such blatant and arrogant attempts by male doctors to control a woman’s body, I really wish I were!

Like women of ancient times, I see my cycle as a time for rest and renewal. A time to nurture myself and enjoy my womanhood. “Our monthly bleeding is the source of life. Why then are we so ashamed of it?”, writes Felicity Artemis Flowers in her article titled The P.M.S. Conspiracy, where she describes how patriarchy has made women feel ashamed of this vital, beautiful, and life-renewing bodily function.

In this uplifting piece, she writes

Ancient people called menstrual blood ‘Wise Blood’. The ancients recognized the awesome wisdom and power of the menstrual cycle and it was honored as a source of spiritual enlightenment. The forgetting of this essential wisdom, and the distress that this has caused the psyche of womankind is a consequence of the total betrayal of women by the patriarchy.

In ancient times a woman’s bleeding was her time to retreat to a special place where she would be attended, bathed and nurtured by other women. It was honored as her time to tune in to the transformation happening within her, to turn inward, to get closer to her Self, to listen to and hear her Self.

On her menstrual retreat a woman secluded herself to give herself to her bleeding. With each lunation she could immerse herself in the realm of the unconscious and focus her energy into her expanded psychic connection to All Life. She would then return with offerings of insight and visions for the community. She was a priestess, a shamanness. Her bleeding was thus honored as her Gift.

In her article, she also gives women some great tips to honor themselves and embrace menstrual reality.

On the role of patriarchy in creating a disconnect between women and womanhood, Felicity writes,

The ultimate message of the male-supremecist culture to all daughters, well before their first bleeding, is that proof of your worth as a woman lies in how successfully you pretend that nothing significant is happening while you are bleeding: how well you can contain it, act emotionally neutral, not retain water, be a good robot in the workplace; how well you deny your true nature in pretending you don’t want to lie down and rest, take a warm bath, or walk through a flower garden. You must be efficient and “take it like a man”, take pills so you won’t feel it, take diuretics so its ’show’. Don’t let anyone know. Pretend you’re not bleeding.

As we presently exist within patriarchally defined reality, our body’s cyclic imitation of the moon’s waxing to fullness is called “bloat”, a symptom, a malady. This misnaming of Life’s expression of itself is a total reversal from the perception of the female body as sacred.

Words are powerful in conveying and perpetuating attitudes, and patriarchal words such as “bloat”, “discharge”, ‘unclean’ and ‘P.M.S.’ are effective in Propagating Menstrual Shame. They describe the deliberate destruction of female consciousness by keeping her from perceiving her divinity.

In India, this time of rest simply required that a woman was allowed to take a break from her household chores. Over the ages it was perversely twisted and given an “unclean” tag to prohibit a woman from entering the kitchen or a place of worship, a practice that is still followed today, in conservative communities.

We all go through a point in our lives when we have a “love-hate” relationship with our period, especially the women who experience a lot of pain and discomfort. I went through that in my teens, when I was uncomfortable with my feminine self (my mother) and identified more with the masculine (my father).

As I learned to love, appreciate and enjoy my femininity, I came to accept my cycle as perfectly normal, and to view it as a period of cleansing and renewal. I enjoy retreating for a couple of days to catch up on some much-needed rest, take a break from work, catch up on my reading, listen to music, even watch some TV.

Whether women choose to use pills to have fewer periods is a personal choice, made for personal reasons. But, to allow anyone to convince me that my periods are unnecessary, is to deny being a woman. And that’s completely unacceptable to me.

Recommended Reading:

Thanks to Mind-Mart, I came across this book by Dr. Susan Rako that dispels the notions being promoted by corporate medicine in America.

No More Periods?: The Risks of Menstrual Suppression and Other Cutting-Edge Issues About Hormones and Women’s Health

Observing the radical shift in the medical community toward menstrual suppression as a viable option in women’s health, Dr. Rako sees not only a vast information gap for women, but a serious health crisis on the horizon. Drug companies and many health professionals are promoting the idea that it is okay, even preferable, for women to forgo their periods if they are not trying to get pregnant, and many women, when faced with the choice, are seriously considering that option. But what isn’t being discussed enough are the hazards of such suppression, risks that include osteoporosis, heart attacks, strokes, and cancer.

In No More Periods? Dr. Rako delves into the whys, hows, and musts of women’s gynecological health and takes a reasoned stand for believing that nature and our bodies have an intelligence about this critical issue. This book is a call to sanity from a woman who has become known as a devout defender of women’s health rights.

“Tampering with the hormonal climate of healthy menstruating women, including teenage girls whose lives stretch ahead for decades, for the purpose of doing away with their periods is, in a word, reckless. Manipulating women’s hormonal chemistry for the purpose of menstrual suppression threatens to be the largest uncontrolled experiment in the history of medical science. Hands down.

What the media has not conveyed, what the public has not heard, what too few health professionals know, and what every woman and her doctor must know about the hazards of menstrual suppression deserves a voice. I am determined that it will have one.”€Susan Rako, M.D.

Popularity: 68% [?]

Iris at My Nirvana! just tagged me for the Thinking Bloggers Award. Thanks, Iris. Love your blog too. I’ll tag my favourite Thinking Bloggers at the end of this post.

In the last issue of Naaree.com, I wrote that I believe feminism has done women a dis-service by making them believe that they need to compete with men.

There are essentially two ways people view the role of women in society:

Traditionalists: Those who believe that women should go back to their traditional roles at home and stop trying to compete with men in the workplace. Thankfully, these are a dying breed - even in India.

Liberals: Those who believe that women can, and should, compete with men and hold their own in all spheres of life. They seem harmless, but this view can actually be quite damaging.

Here’s why. The problem with these extreme viewpoints is that they are both unfair to women, because neither takes into account what women really want.

The first (traditional) viewpoint denies a woman’s aspirations and desire to express herself creatively in a profession, contribute to society and - in the absence of a male provider - fend for herself and her children.

The second (liberal) viewpoint denies a woman’s innate biological need and desire to nuture a family, have children, and express her creativity in a manner that feels natural to her (cooking, taking care of a home, and all the stuff that makes people like Martha Stewart pots of money).

These extremes also don’t take into account the fact that men have changed too. They no longer want to be desired solely for their earning capability. Most men don’t want women who are golddiggers, and actually PREFER a woman who is able to take care of herself financially.

And why shouldn’t they? After all, men deserve to be loved for who they are, don’t they?

Being Feminine At Work

One of the reasons why there are so few women at the top, in most professions, is not because men don’t allow them to grow, but because most women simply don’t WANT that. We know that being at the top of one’s profession involves a great deal of commitment, dedication and more importantly, SACRIFICE.

I’m one of those women who knew that being a good mother was very important to me (perhaps because my own mom worked full-time and hardly spent any time with us). At the same time, I wanted to use my intelligence and my talent, to express myself creatively and be of service to others.

As long as my husband had a steady job, I kept myself occupied with freelance writing until our baby girl was born. When he was out of a job for a few years, however, I decided I had to make a living and started a business I could manage from home.

At no point did I wish to join the corporate rat race. As a sensitive person, the aggression and competitiveness put me off. I made a conscious choice to work from home because I knew that if I really wanted to, I could find a way. I now make a decent income and find great fulfilment in my internet publishing business.

More than anything, women want to achieve BALANCE in all spheres of life. The price of ambition - sacrificing a healthy family life - is often more than we are willing to pay. And why should we?

Today, women are finding fulfilment in a range of professions, and organisations are more flexible and understanding in working out solutions, including part-time and flexitime work hours, that will keep women on the payroll.

Whether she works from home or commutes to work, each woman needs to find the sort of work that fulfils her.

Being Feminine In Relationships

Our confusion over the roles we play, is even more obvious in the dysfunction that has pervaded our intimate relationships.

Women who adopt the traditional lifestyle, and behave in a dependent and passive manner, put themselves in danger of getting into abusive, exploitative relationships.

On the other hand, women who project themselves as strong and independent, tend to be too aggressive and overfunction in relationships. Aggressive women make a man feel emasculated, and they often find they cannot attract and keep a good man for long.

Books like “The Rules“, which struck a chord with desperate American women, and which feminists viewed as regressive, are the outcome of our confusion, as we struggle to balance our femininity, while holding our own in our relationships with men.

A New Way Of Functioning

It’s time for a new paradigm. One that allows a woman to be a complete, self-actualised person, and yet be capable of letting a man express his masculinity, give to her, and protect his family.

Coach Rori’s ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, taught me that all it takes to achieve this is a simple change in mindset - that of learning to express your feminine energy in a relationship.

We can’t escape our biology, which dictates that for a man to feel attraction for a woman, he has to feel that she needs him (even if it’s only to fix something around the house). A man needs to know that he has something to offer his woman.

Women, for their part, must learn to stop overfunctioning, to lean back, and learn to RECEIVE - a skill that the strong, independent, action-oriented woman has to learn all over again.

The surprising thing is that overfunctioning comes, not from strength, but from fear and a feeling of inadequacy. We overfunction when we feel that we are not enough, that we do not deserve to be loved for who we are, but for what we can can offer a man.

When we “act” strong and independent, we’re actually reacting to a fear of dependence. Women who are truly strong and independent never have to “act” that way. They know their worth, and trust themselves enough to know that they can receive without losing themselves in a relationship.

Leaning back, and allowing yourself to receive from a man, is not about being dependent. It’s about learning to value yourself, and realising that you are desirable, not for what you can give him, but just because you’re a woman.

I’ve been in both places - dependent and independent. In my marriage with my late husband, overfunctioning wasn’t an issue. With him I was very feminine, dependent even - the kind who couldn’t change a lightbulb or kill a bug.

Most of the time, he loved doing things for me. I realised that it made him feel needed and allowed him to express his masculinity. But there is such a thing as being too dependent on a man. For me, independence was something I had to LEARN.

I realised this when, after being widowed, I began to attract men who were extremely masculine and controlling, or exploitative and narcissistic. And in those relationships, I was often the codependent, passive, giving woman - the kind who found it hard to say “no” to anything, even things I was not comfortable with.

Once I realised my mistake, I began learning how to assert myself and set stronger boundaries. I learned that, as long as I express myself in a caring and non-agressive way, being assertive does not make me masculine.

Interdependence Is The Key

Relationships between men and women are not about competition. We need to learn how to COMPLEMENT each other and bring out the best in each other.

Healthy relationships are those where both partners are neither too dependent, nor too independent, but inter-dependent. It’s all about keeping a balance between -

- Work and family
- Giving and receiving
- Masculine and feminine
- Yin and yang

If being a feminine woman in today’s world sometimes feels like walking a tightrope, that’s because it IS. But, there’s no one better equipped than a woman to handle a balancing act like that!

Recommended Reading:

The ebooks here have transformed the way I look at relationships and how I communicate with men.

Have The Relationship You Want: A Womans Guide To Transforming Your Love Life Practically Overnight!
Learn how to get more love, romance, and a deeper emotional connection with a man. Relationship coach Rori Gwynne teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her now-glorious, decades long marriage around

The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave
Learn how to communicate with your man and express yourself in a feminine manner. This book will give you the insights that will change your relationships with men forever.

As I promised, here are my personal favourite Thinking Bloggers.

1. Atanu Dey (I love his focus on the India we rarely read about)
2. Robin Sharma (lots of great personal development tips and an awesome podcast too)
3. Steve Pavlina (another great personal development blog with long posts - sometimes rationalises too much)
4. Aaron Potts (loads of great stuff on self-improvement, manifestation, LOA and more)
5. Jennifer (very interesting posts about men, women, relationships, and life in general)

The Thinking Blogger Award rules: This award was started here. You have to award five others whose blog you think deserve this award. Please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.

The participation rules:
If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all € blogs that really get you thinking!

Popularity: 100% [?]

Has feminism left us confused about the roles we play as men and women in today’s society? To some extent, I believe it has. It’s made women like us more focused on action, which in terms of energy, is yang or masculine. Feminine, or yin energy, on the other hand is about being, about receiving.

Yet, in a modern world where women are increasingly taking on male roles, it’s becoming harder to balance our feminine energy with the roles we must play in our careers and relationships. We’re not as comfortable with receiving, with leaning back, and allowing men to express their masculinity, as the women of yesteryears were.

In some ways it has benefited us because too much passivity (yin) invites abusive behaviour. Too much yang energy, on the other hand, is repelling. The key to healthier interactions, then, is striking a balance, and knowing how to express our energies in an appropriate manner at work and home.

From advice on how to avoid overfunctioning in relationships, to being a woman boss who commands respect without having to act like a man, to being proactive about your personal safety, the articles in this issue will try to address that imbalance.

In the month of July 2007, Naaree.com will hold a workshop on self-defense for women, so if you live in Mumbai, please register on the site to receive updates. Till next time, we’ll celebrate the arrival of the monsoon as it cools down the subcontinent and the earth bursts into greenery once more.

Read the June issue of Naaree.com: Expressing The Feminine

Popularity: 73% [?]

I’ve just been reviewing a set of videos by Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette), where he discusses the tools and skills you need to judge your partner’s character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.

Especially eye-opening was the segment on how one’s parents and childhood experiences shape the kind of partner one is destined to become. Our parents are, after all, our first and most significant role models for romantic relationships.

Watching the videos helped me realise how our relationship with our parents - especially the parent we identify with the most - shapes our views of roles in marriage. I also learned that the lens through which we see the parent of the opposite sex, is the way we ultimately see our partner.

A woman who adores her dad (like me) will probably adore her partner, often to the extent of idealising him and overlooking his flaws. A woman who has a father who abused or abandoned her will have a hard time trusting men.

A man who shares a healthy relationship with his mother is more likely to treat women with respect. By healthy I mean balanced - as in neither too distant, nor too enmeshed.

Most Indian men share an enmeshed relationship with their mothers, characterised by poor boundaries, and are unable to assert themselves and prevent their parents from interfering in (and often ruining) their marital relationships. Just open to the Agony Aunt column of any publication and you’ll see how common this phenomenon is.

Childhood experiences are some of the strongest predictors of what your mate will be like as a spouse and parent. That’s why it’s so important to get to know your partner AND his family as well as you can, before you decide on marrying.

You’ll get a good indication of how a man will treat you after marriage, by observing how his father treats his mother. And observing his family’s dynamics and behaviour will prepare you for the sort of behaviour you can expect from your mate after marriage.

I guess that’s why the tradition of arranged marriage, so prevalent in India, has successfully produced many happy marriages. As Dr. Epp says, common values, upbringing, lifestyles and spiritual beliefs are just a few of the factors that play an important role in the success and failure of marriage.

It reminded me of the scene from The Namesake, where the cultural differences between Gogol and his American girlfriend eventually cause their relationship to unravel after his father’s death.

Inter-cultural and inter-religious relationships - like my marriage to my late husband - require a lot more patience and understanding to work. But I think the reason they do work, is because couples who choose to be in such relationships are more accomodating and open-minded in the first place.

Dr. Epp also makes an excellent case for taking it slow and pacing a relationship. Most relationship experts recommend a longer dating period - two years, at least - to increase the likelihood that your marriage will succeed.

One of the most interesting concepts in the book is the Relationship Attachment Model - the importance of keeping a healthy balance among the five relationship dynamics of Knowledge - Trust - Reliance - Commitment - Touch - in that order.

Your ability to bond long-term is enhanced by the boundaries you set in the short-term, notes Dr. Epp. People who have poor boundaries, and come on too strong or get enmeshed quickly, are never good candidates for a long-term relationship.

To stay in the safe zone, never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. That essentially means, it would be naive to trust a person before getting to know him, and codependent to start to rely on him before learning to trust and know him better.

Studies have also found that commitment has a very powerful bonding effect in marital relationships, is a strong indicator of happiness in a relationship, and grows and deepens over time.

People who live together or cohabit before marriage have a higher rate of divorce, largely because commitment levels are lower in a live-in relationship. Premarital cohabitation seems to damage long-term commitment because it imbalances the bonding dynamics in a relationship, states Dr. Epp.

When the levels of the five dynamics are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy, and you tend to overlook crucial characteristics of the other person that should be exposed and explored.

We’ve all known women who get too involved too quickly, and then rationalise their doubts about the men they’re dating to justify staying in the relationship. I’ve often been guilty of rationalising my mate’s flaws, and one of the statements in the book that I relate to easily is that

Good-hearted people have the greatest risk for staying in a relationship with a jerk, because (they) so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances.

I’m among those who tends to tolerate far more than necessary in all my relationships - not just the romantic ones. I’m often too patient and forgiving for my own good, always trying to think the best of others, overlooking things that, for most people, would have been reason enough to end the relationship.

I think women - and Indian women in particular - are conditioned to be like that. To forgive, adjust and sacrifice - to their own detriment. I see many of my married friends frustated with their lives, unhappy with the way they’re treated by their husbands and in-laws, and going through various stages of depression. It makes me cherish my single status and my independence even more.

Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners and go on to have unhealthy relationships, notes Dr. Epp. For a happy relationship and marriage, both partners must be emotionally healthy, and free of childhood issues and unhealthy emotional baggage that might affect their ability to relate to the opposite sex. They must also have insight into their own behaviour, be willing to change, if necessary, and be in control of their emotions.

I realised that, if I had a pattern of attracting jerks, I had only myself to blame, because of my codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. Taking responsibility for my issues empowered me to change them.

Though I’ve always had a hard time being assertive and setting boundaries, I’m learning and getting better at it everyday. I’ve had to end relationships and cut some people out of my life, but I think of it as the price of growth.

I’m currently reading a really good book by Cheryl Richardson, called Stand Up for Your Life: Develop the Courage, Confidence, and Character to Fulfill Your Greatest Potential (available at Landmark bookstore in Mumbai). I highly recommend it if you need to learn the skills to assert yourself more powerfully.

I enjoy the process of improving my relationship skills, and am not averse to being in a romantic relationship. Love is great, but marriage is not an option for me right now. I find it too restricting, and am really enjoying the freedom to live life on my own terms.

It’s often the fear of failure that keeps us from wanting to commit. When it comes to relationships, it’s a very valid fear. But, hey, everything in life is a risk. Getting out of my house is a risk!

So if you’re single, dating and not averse to taking that risk, use the amazing insights in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, to make better relationship choices, and stack the odds in your favour.

Popularity: 64% [?]

The new law on domestic violence against women in relationships also recognizes live-in relationships as equal to marriage. The law is a paradigm shift in the way the state has looked at the man-woman relationship.

It’s also stirred up a debate about the morality and acceptability of live-in relationships in India. Read my take on why I believe live-in relationships are unfair to women and why women in such relationships are settling for less than they deserve.

Are Live In Relationships Unfair To Indian Women?

Popularity: 39% [?]

Women often tend to ignore their own financial well-being, allowing the men in their lives - fathers, husbands or brothers - to take decisions for them. It’s ok to turn to more informed people for financial advice, but neglecting to understand your financial rights and options can get you in a big mess.

When I found myself single again, I was forced to start taking decisions that, until then, I had left to my late husband. Since he passed away suddenly and neglected to take out an insurance policy, I had to take that decision immediately, for the sake of my little daughter’s future.

The burden of handling property and legal matters fell to me, and though I handled it well, I wish I’d taken more interest in such things when my husband was alive. Drawing from my own experience, the focus of the current issue of Naaree.com is on Property Rights for women, the topic of a seminar held recently in Mumbai.

We also carry features on Insurance and Investments for Indian women, besides our usual columns on dating, diet and wellness.

Check out the new articles on Naaree.com below:

Property Rights and Women
According to the amended Hindu Succession Act women have equal rights in parental property. Despite this, women are still denied their propery rights in modern India, reports Pallavi Bhattacharya.

Insurance Options For Indian Women
Whether it is life, health or property, as women, we tend to rely on others to make these judgments for us. But insurance is and essential tool to secure a financially happy future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Investment Tools For Women
While more and more women are pursuing high powered careers and becoming an inherent and valuable part of workforce, few, however, are aware of how to make themselves financially secure. Kinnary Nensee shows you how the right investments can make all the difference.

Domestic Violence (Physical and Emotional Abuse): Questions to Ask
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Tolerating Abuse: How Much Is Enough?
It seems that for the average Indian family izzat is more important than a daughter. How much can we take and what is our limit when it comes to abuse, asks Khushboo Aulakh.

Tai Chi For Women
Relaxation, mood stabilising, weight loss, age control and self-defence - an adept Tai Chi practitioner can develop all of them. And aren’t these the very things every woman wants to acquire? Tai Chi, an internal martial art developed on thousands of years of Chinese history and culture is now taught and practised in India.

Dating Dish: Why ‘Perfect’ Men Are Dangerous
It’s human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, the only way that a *real* relationship can emerge is by giving it time to develop in a healthy way, advises our dating coach, Paige Parker.

Dark Circles Puffy Eyes: Easy Natural Remedies
Dark circles and puffy eyes are one of the most frequently asked how-to-cure skin care related questions. Our beauty columnist, Angela Purcell, author of Magical Skincare Kingdom, recommends natural ways you can dramatically reduce, if not eliminate them.

Grab the Wheel: How to Get in the Driving Seat of Your Life
Are you truly in the driving seat of your life, or are you carting around a back-seat driver, or a mini-bus load of little voices with big desires? If there’s someone reaching over to turn your wheel it may be time to get assertive about what you want in your life and where you want to go.

Happy reading!

Popularity: 44% [?]

I believe that we’re all wounded souls, here on Earth to complete our karma and work on becoming a better human being. All relationships are our lessons, and people our teachers. Our relationships are mirrors that reveal our flaws, and the people in our lives are only reflections of the energy that we put out.

Imagine my shock, then, when I realised that in my own relationships, I’ve been attracting men who were either self-absorbed, controlling and narcissistic, or clingy, insecure and needed “fixing”. I knew it was time to do some serious soul-searching, and reflect on what it was in me that was attracting such people.

As I became more self-aware, I came to realise that I had codependent tendencies (tended to give too much) and weak boundaries (had a hard time saying “no”), that literally made me a magnet for the wrong sort of men.

Weak boundaries seem to be a common issue with those who are highly sensitive and empaths. For people like me, one of the most important life lessons is learning how to set boundaries in relationships. So, I decided I needed a time-out from dating, to work on strengthening my boundaries and learning assertiveness skills.

What is a boundary and what does it mean to set your boundaries? Rinatta Paries explains in her article, Setting Boundaries In Relationships, that

A boundary is a DIVIDING LINE between you and anyone else, even a loved one. The line represents both physical and emotional limits others may not VIOLATE.

A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt, outrage, etc. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone, even your most loved one, from crossing the line with you.

Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth, your self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are WORTHY of care.

Without boundaries, we often end up giving and giving, until we have nothing left to give in our relationships. We end up feeling used, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or violated because we lacked the courage to speak up and assert ourselves when we needed to.

As Robert Burney, author of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, notes

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

The first step in setting personal boundaries is becoming aware of how and why you are allowing others to violate them. Read Ten Rights Of An Assertive Individual to understand what issues you should start setting boundaries for.

Coping.org has some of the best information on learning to set boundaries, and the comprehensive article here explains why low self-esteem is one of the primary reasons we allow others to violate our boundaries.

People with low self-esteem have their major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others.

This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened “internal locus of control” and become dependent on a strong “external locus of control.” They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.

People with low self-esteem are dependent on others’ approval and recognition and are therefore fearful of rejection by and conflict with others. It has been estimated in the self-esteem literature that over 90 percent of us are suffering from low self-esteem at one degree or another. Therefore most people in relationships are currently suffering from low self-esteem or recovering from it.

While it’s easier to walk out of a relationship that is clearly abusive, it’s not so easy to leave a codependent or caregiving relationship with an addict or dysfunctional person. It’s like the addictive relationship between Kate Moss and her fiance, Pete Doherty, that, despite very public stints in rehab, allows them both to enable each other’s cocaine addiction.

For Indian women, or those from cultural backgrounds where unhealthy stereotypes of women are glorified - as in the “woman-as-martyr” theme in Indian mythology (Sita in the Ramayana) and the Sati-Savitri of Hindi cinema - the risk is even greater, because of the pressure to “stick by your man” in times of trouble. No matter that he has an abusive, addictive, or dyfunctional personality.

The younger generation of women seems to be rejecting this harmful stereotyping, but the “Mama’s boys” in our male population are still waiting for a woman who will take care of them and do for them what any healthy adult should be able to do for himself (see Codependence and the Indian Male). Little wonder, then, that so many Indian marriages are disintegrating under the pressure of dual-income homes.

But boundaries are not only required between intimate partners. It’s essential to learn to set boundaries in ANY relationship, whether at work, with your boss, co-workers, and customers, or at home, with your parents, children, family and in-laws. Children who grow up without boundaries become incapable of discipline, are in danger or being either spoiled or neglected, and go on to have dysfunctional relationships of their own.

As Indians, we’re taught to respect elders, so we tend to have more difficulty setting healthy boundaries with older people, like parents and in-laws. This unhealthy tolerance of elders’ interference is not just irritating and destructive to marriages. It often leads to the abuse, torture and dowry deaths, that we read about almost everyday.

As far as elders are concerned, my take is that they do deserve respect, but only if also they treat YOU with respect. Respect must be EARNED, in my opinion. And the best way to earn my respect, is by treating ME the way you wish to be treated. I avoid people, elders or otherwise, who behave in a disrespectful, critical or controlling manner with me. And that includes those who insist on giving me unsolicited, “helpful” advice.

If you come from a dysfunctional family (where one or both parents were alcoholic, addicts, abusive, absent or suffered from a mental illness) you may not even know what a healthy relationship looks like. The Coping.org website describes what a healthy, intimate relationship looks like here.

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship.

A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.

A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

Sandra Brown, M.A., writes in her ebook, How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that healthy boundaries (or the lack of them) are the most important indication of whether or not a man is a capable of being in a healthy relationship.

If you’ve been getting into relationships with men who lie or cheat, are married or unavailable, needy, clingy, dysfunctional, manipulative, exploitative, violent, abusive, pathological, or harm you in any way, you need to get a copy of her book now.

However, blaming society, family, cultural conditioning, or the man you’re involved with, is not helpful. It reduces you to playing a victim’s role, and takes away your power. If you want things to change, you need to take responsibility for the role you played in ALLOWING your partner to behave the way he did, and accept that any change has to come from inside you.

That includes learning to spot the signs that you’re violating your own boundaries in a relationship, learning healthy ways to express yourself when setting boundaries (minus anger and blame), and doing the work it takes to build healthy boundaries.

Many of us are afraid of setting boundaries because we don’t want to change the status quo in our relationships. We worry that setting boundaries will “upset the applecart”, and even break up a relationship or marriage.

Yes, there’s a distinct possibility that, when we change the dynamics of a relationship, we risk losing the other person. I’ve had men complain bitterly about my “rules”, and I’ve dumped men for disrespecting me, taking me for granted, standing me up, or asking me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with (like lending them money).

I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And if we’re willing to let them cross the line even once, it becomes harder and harder to push it back. When we don’t make rules for how we let ourselves be treated, we are not being loving to ourselves. And the more we ignore our own needs and put other’s needs above our own, the more we harm our own self-esteem.

Today, I’d gladly accept the risk of ending a relationship, if it means that I’m taking care of myself and protecting my well-being. I know that being good to myself is more important than trying to save a relationship that is not right for me in the first place.

I realised that if I want to be loving to myself, I need to state very clearly what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. I know today, that the only way to be in a healthy relationship, is to demand to be treated with the respect and consideration I deserve.

Toltec teacher, Don Miguel Ruiz, writes in an article on Boundaries that

We can create acceptable boundaries with people whose emotional poison we do not want to eat. When we respect ourselves, we will not allow disrespect from anybody else. This is not selfishness, it’s self-love. The controlling aspect is selfishness–wanting a partner to stay with us even if we are in hell. If we go into relationships because, “Oh I need you so much,” it’s selfishness, not self-love.

Relationships can be so wonderful. We can be completely open and loving. But just because we love someone, that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their anger, jealousy or abuse. We don’t need to be abused, and we can’t send out our abuse either.

Recommended Reading:

How To Spot A Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown, M.A.

Supreme Self-Esteem for Women

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child - Highly recommended.

Boundaries by Don Miguel Ruiz

Books on Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Appropriately

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Improving Assertive Behavior

Popularity: 49% [?]

We women can be such stupid, self-sacrificing martyrs sometimes. And that especially applies in our relationships. I see so many amazing women willing to date and/or marry men who are simply not worth their while. And, I confess, I used to be one of them.

Is it a result of our conditioning that we’re willing to accept less than respectful behaviour from men in relationships? Is it our codependent tendencies that cause us to choose dysfunctional men who need “rescuing”?

Is it our cultural conditioning that makes us put a man’s needs above our own? What is it that makes so many educated and intelligent Indian women settle for arranged marriages with men they feel little or no attraction for?

Should we blame women’s liberation - or women themselves - for allowing men to think that they can have their cake without having to make a commitment in relationships?

The younger generation of Indian women are increasingly open about sex. As long as they practice safe sex, I fully support their desire to experiment, as a natural process of exploring and establishing one’s sexual preferences.

Many Indian marriages become unsatisfying for one or both partners, because women remain sexually ignorant till after the wedding, and some end up learning about their husband’s sexual perversions only when it’s too late.

The danger with casual sex, however, is that women tend to misinterpret a man’s readiness to have sex as a desire for a long-term commitment. And this misconception is not restricted to Indian culture. It applies to women everywhere.

It’s sad when we women end up devaluing ourselves and our bodies, by using sex as bait to “get and keep a man”. We need to understand that this is not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship, based on mutual respect and affection.

According to Sandra L. Brown, M. A., counselor and author of How To Spot A Dangerous Man (which I am currently reading and highly recommend), it’s low self-esteem that makes women willing participants in the process of settling for a less than desirable mate. She writes that,

Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying, and healthy relationship is a reflection of a woman’s low esteem level.

Often women settle for undesirable men, unsatisfying relationships, or marriages of convenience, out of loneliness, or the fear that they won’t get anyone better.

Yes, it’s a self-esteem issue. And one I battled myself, until I realised that, if I don’t value myself, and expect the best that life has to offer me, why should anyone else value me?

Lack of self-love and self-esteem destroys a woman’s belief in herself, and tricks her into thinking that she doesn’t deserve any better than the loser who -

• Can’t hold a steady job
• Doesn’t believe in monogamy
• Abuses and beats up on women
• Has a criminal record
• Is addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, work, sports (take your pick)
• Has mental health issues
• Doesn’t value her
• Is commitment-phobic
• Is a mama’s boy (my pet hate!)

The scary thing is that many women don’t even see some of these issues as a problem. We imbibe so many disempowering beliefs from our family, society and popular culture.

What message does it send when we see beautiful women, like Zarina Wahab, turn a blind eye to their husband’s indiscretions, so they don’t have to face the truth about their bad marriage?

What does it say to Indian women when we see desirable women like Aishwarya Rai, tolerate abuse at the hands of a dangerous, narcisstic man like Salman Khan (thank heaven she redeemed herself by making Provoked)?

Or, closer home, when we see our own parents choosing to stay in a bad or abusive marriage, instead of choosing the happiness they deserve.

According to the Law of Attraction, the Universe gives you whatever you ASK for. But only if you truly believe you DESERVE IT. If you indicate, by your actions, that you’re willing to settle for less, then less is what you’ll get.

So, if you’re willing to settle for a man who abuses you, is emotionally unavailable or mentally unhinged, or for the married man who’ll be “out of his marriage any day now,” you’re essentially telling the Universe, “I DON’T BELIEVE I DESERVE a healthy, loving man who truly values and cherishes me for myself.”

When I realised that I had to love and value myself before I could expect anyone else to love and value me, I decided never to get involved with a man who was not capable of the kind of relationship I desire.

In reality, it was not that simple. After my husband passed away two years ago, I should have realised that my grief would impair my judgement and self-esteem, and stayed away from relationships until I’d healed completely.

As it happened, I did get into a long-term, on-off relationship, with a man who genuinely cared for me and helped me heal. The only problem was that neither of us expected or wanted it to be “permanent”.

Today, I’ve learned that these transitory relationships are sometimes meant to help us heal and open up to love again, after experiencing a painful loss or break-up. It certainly helped me realise that I was capable of loving again.

I learned a great deal about myself in that relationship, and will always cherish my memories of it. But, even though I believe in living in the moment, I knew that, sooner or later, I’d have to take the painful decision to move on.

While learning about the Law Of Attraction, I realised that the reason I was attracting emotionally unavailable men into my life, was because I was emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic myself. We attract who we ARE, says the LOA.

So, here I was, willing to settle for a low-maintenance relationship, because of my own fears of intimacy, engulfment and commitment. We women, however, are not built for such relationships, and I think feminism has done women a great disservice by allowing us to believe otherwise.

Sex is a bonding experience for most women. And, if you’re the sort of woman whose been in a committed, monogamous relationship most of her adult life, you’re deluding yourself if you think that you’re capable of having a “bit of fun” without damaging your fragile self-esteem.

In her post on not lowering your standards, mental health therapist, Jennifer, notes that,

While compromise is essential to having a really healthy partnership, there is never a reason you should feel it necessary in a relationship to give up your personal standards of morality, integrity, or decency. Any guy who requires you to lower your personal standards is not a good match for you.

This is not about one way, belief, or ideal being better than another, nor is it about one way of living being the “right” way. It is about you remaining true to your personal standards and finding a guy who respects and honors your truths and ideals.

Women that alter or lower their personal or religious views or standards for a man typically find themselves feeling unauthentic and harmed by the relationship.

I know today, that I deserve far better than what I was getting in my last relationship, but also realise that it’s completely up to me to face and conquer my own fears, before I’m capable of healthy intimacy once more.

I decided to come clean and admit that romantic relationships are not high on of my list of priorities right now. I’m at a stage in life where I’d rather read a good book or watch a good movie, than spend precious time and energy on a man.

Today, my business, my daughter, and my spiritual growth are the most important things in my life. So, rather than attract another unfulfilling relationship, I decided to take a “time-out” from the dating scene for a while.

It might seem a bit extreme, but there are times in life when you need to take a step back to introspect, commit to healing yourself, and focus on the things that are truly important to you.

Besides, it feels so good to admit that I’m no longer willing to settle for a relationship in which I don’t feel valued. It’s my way of nurturing and honouring myself and my feelings.

Relationship expert, Barbara de Angelis, notes that

Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

Taking a “relationship time-out” doesn’t mean I’m closed to being friends with a man. It just means that I value myself too much to settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate me as a person or want to be in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with me.

Sandra L. Brown writes in How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that

Women everywhere could benefit from taking a time out from dating. Unfortunately, few women give themselves time off from dating because of a fear of being alone.

She explains that a dating “time-out” can give us some much-needed healing time, to put ourselves first and focus on our own recovery, on the changes we need to see in our thinking, and on examining how previous relationship problems occurred in our lives.

Self-awareness - understanding yourself, becoming aware of your fears, your reactions, your patterns, and listening to your intuition - is really the best defense against bad dating choices.

Today, I know I can be happy with or without a man. I don’t need a man to “complete me”. I’ve never felt more whole and complete as a person, and am no longer willing to lower my standards for any one. Here’s hoping more women will be inspired to do the same.

Recommended Reading:

Self-worth and Self-esteem

Learning to Love… Myself

Settling for Less Than God’s Best: A Relationship Check-Up for Single Women

Settling For Less

The Relationship Mistake of Settling

The Problem of “Settling”

Too Close Too Soon: Avoiding the Heartache of Premature Intimacy

Boundaries in Dating

Popularity: 35% [?]

What we resist, persists.
- Sonia Johnson, American feminist, activist and writer.

I just got my copy of The Secret (DVD) today, and as I was watching it, the teachers happened to discuss a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot recently - that FIGHTING AGAINST anything (war, corruption, drugs, global warming) doesn’t work.

I have a strong personal belief that states, If you don’t like something, don’t complain about it. Change it. That’s because, the more attention you give something you don’t want - the more you complain about it, fight it, write about it, protest against it - the more you invite it into your consciousness, and your life.

It was not the Secret that taught me this, but my own experience as an environmental activist and journalist. I’ve written on environmental issues since 1996, and I realised, as most activists did, that we were fighting a losing battle, as far as many issues (like global warming) were concerned.

But, I also realised that focusing on the bad news and the disasters wasn’t helping. So, whenever I researched an issue I was covering, I decided to also give balanced coverage to the solutions that local groups and NGOs were exploring to challenges like pollution, deforestation and water scarcity.

I found a great deal of good news amongst all the depressing news that was covered in the mainstream media (MSM). The good news rarely enters public consciousness, because bad news makes better news, as far as MSM is concerned. One reason I avoid MSM (or scan through the headlines at most) is because I believe that, while it’s good to stay informed, it’s even better to be selective about the thoughts that you let into your mind.

As the Law Of Attraction states, what we focus on, expands. So, if your focus is on FIGHTING AGAINST the forces that create war, poverty, environmental degradation, you’ll only ATTRACT MORE of the same. And so,

• The War on Terror spawns more terror.
• Anti-war protests create more war and hatred.
• Protests against communalism create more hate.
• Focusing on your spouse’s faults creates more unhappiness in marriage.

If you want to use the secret of deliberate creation to create a world you desire, stop paying so much attention to what’s wrong with the world, and focus on the good you can do instead. Here are some ways you can make a difference by changing your focus right now.

• Don’t be Anti-War. Be Pro-Peace.
  
• Don’t fight the interests that create global warming. Focus on making alternative energy sources more profitable.
  
• Don’t fight against corruption. Focus on creating transparency and public accountability.
  
• Don’t fight against communal forces. Promote tolerance, love and understanding.
  
• If you’re in a relationship, don’t nag your significant other to change her/his ways. Focus on how good s/he makes you feel instead.
  
• And (this goes out especially to the Mumbai police) stop cracking down on kanoodling couples in love. Focus on freeing Mumbai of real criminals instead.

Like the Beatles, I believe that “All We Need Is Love.” And that the war on terror can only be countered with a Campaign for Love. Perhaps it’s time to send George W a copy of The Secret…

The LOA teachers state that one positive thought is many, many times more powerful than a negative thought. So focus on love and happiness. Will it help you change the world? Who knows? All I can guarantee is that it’ll make you feel sooooo good.

Join the Campaign For Love here (site under construction).

Popularity: 48% [?]

My new portal for Indian women arose out of my passion for helping women empower themselves. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I’ve been learning to develop and trust my intuition or inner knowing to guide me through life.

In my effort to provide others (especially women, who are naturally intuitive) with the tools to do that, I’m organising a free workshop on intuition. The details are below, so if you live in Mumbai, do register quickly. We have limited seats.

For Immediate Release

Naaree.com Celebrates International Women’s Day With Free Intuition Workshop

7 March, 2007, Mumbai - To celebrate International Women’s Day 2007, Naaree.com is organising a free workshop, titled Develop Your Sixth Sense, with the aim of helping women get in touch with their intuition and inner guidance.

To enable career women to attend the three-hour workshop, it will be held on Sunday, 11th March, 2007, from 3 to 6 pm, at Hotel Four Seasons, near Prithvi Theatre in Juhu, Mumbai.

Intuition is now considered an essential skill necessary to successful living. Our relationships and careers can, both, benefit from our ability to trust and use our intuition in daily life.

Women are naturally intuitive beings. But in a world where five-sensory, logical and rational thinking is valued over hunches and gut feeling, many of us have learned to distrust our inner knowing. Disconnecting from this source of universal wisdom has weakened women and prevented us from reaching our full potential.

In our effort to empower everyone, and women in particular, to develop and trust their inner guidance, Naaree.com has employed the skills of psychologist and trainer Tarannum Siddiqui, in organising a Develop Your Sixth Sense workshop.

Ms. Siddiqui has over six years of experience in training and conducts regular Enlightenment workshops to help women and corporate professionals enhance their visionary skills and perceptual insight.

The workshop is open to all, irrespective of gender, and will cover the topics here.

• What is intuition?
• What type of intuitive are you?
• Take the Intuitive Test
• How to use intuition with intention at work and in relationships
• The I AM exercise
• The Telepathy game
• Discussion and sharing

For more information, and to register for the Develop Your Sixth Sense workshop, please contact Ms. Siddiqui at 9820188998. Registrations are limited, so please book your space early.

For more information about Naaree.com and our plans for future workshops, please contact us here:
Priya Florence Shah
Editor, Naaree.com
Email: priya [AT] naaree.com

Popularity: 41% [?]