Soul Kadee

My new portal for Indian women arose out of my passion for helping women empower themselves. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I’ve been learning to develop and trust my intuition or inner knowing to guide me through life.

In my effort to provide others (especially women, who are naturally intuitive) with the tools to do that, I’m organising a free workshop on intuition. The details are below, so if you live in Mumbai, do register quickly. We have limited seats.

For Immediate Release

Naaree.com Celebrates International Women’s Day With Free Intuition Workshop

7 March, 2007, Mumbai - To celebrate International Women’s Day 2007, Naaree.com is organising a free workshop, titled Develop Your Sixth Sense, with the aim of helping women get in touch with their intuition and inner guidance.

To enable career women to attend the three-hour workshop, it will be held on Sunday, 11th March, 2007, from 3 to 6 pm, at Hotel Four Seasons, near Prithvi Theatre in Juhu, Mumbai.

Intuition is now considered an essential skill necessary to successful living. Our relationships and careers can, both, benefit from our ability to trust and use our intuition in daily life.

Women are naturally intuitive beings. But in a world where five-sensory, logical and rational thinking is valued over hunches and gut feeling, many of us have learned to distrust our inner knowing. Disconnecting from this source of universal wisdom has weakened women and prevented us from reaching our full potential.

In our effort to empower everyone, and women in particular, to develop and trust their inner guidance, Naaree.com has employed the skills of psychologist and trainer Tarannum Siddiqui, in organising a Develop Your Sixth Sense workshop.

Ms. Siddiqui has over six years of experience in training and conducts regular Enlightenment workshops to help women and corporate professionals enhance their visionary skills and perceptual insight.

The workshop is open to all, irrespective of gender, and will cover the topics here.

• What is intuition?
• What type of intuitive are you?
• Take the Intuitive Test
• How to use intuition with intention at work and in relationships
• The I AM exercise
• The Telepathy game
• Discussion and sharing

For more information, and to register for the Develop Your Sixth Sense workshop, please contact Ms. Siddiqui at 9820188998. Registrations are limited, so please book your space early.

For more information about Naaree.com and our plans for future workshops, please contact us here:
Priya Florence Shah
Editor, Naaree.com
Email: priya [AT] naaree.com

Popularity: 9% [?]

I sent out a press release to promote Naaree.com, my new magazine and portal for Indian women, and ended up being interviewed, by Sakshi Singh, who writes for the Free Press Journal. The interview was published today in their Women’s section (just a couple of days before International Women’ Day).

Here’s the interview (click on the pic below to open the larger image or right click and save it to your computer).

Popularity: 7% [?]

Just uploaded the photos from my weekend in Goa, where I attended a wedding, saw my new baby neice and attended the Carnival celebrations in Panjim.

Thanks to politicking, the Carnival was a rather tepid affair, with many floats looking like they’d been thrown together at the last minute (which they were). Hopefully next year will be different. Check out some of the photos below.

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Call it serendipity, but on the eve of launching Naaree.com - my portal and magazine for the new Indian woman - I came across the latest issue of The Week magazine, which profiles the New Indian Woman, as one who lives life on her own terms, is answerable to no one for her choices and is learning to take care of her own needs. Sounds a lot like moi, doesn’t it?

Some quotes from the article here:

Meet the new age working woman-fiercely independent, ambitious, focused and fun-loving. Financial independence and the need to create an identity of her own drive them to successful careers.

“If you are educated and independent, then you are capable of taking care of yourself.”

The present generation’s ‘me first’ attitude is supported by their mothers who still preach, not about boys and pre-marital sex, but about speaking up against unfair treatment. No more of the ‘we put up with it, so should you’ philosophy; now it is ‘we could not do it but you should’. “Parents are the first ones to tell their daughters to react and not take anything lying down.

“It’s not being self-centred, it is about self-happiness. If I am not satisfied, how do I keep people around me happy?”

That’s the new age woman for you. No more being apologetic about being ambitious, no more being guilty about placing herself first, no more being coy about bad marriages and relationships. The horizon has been captured, now it is time to look for greener pastures.

Today, a 27-year-old banker will not budge an inch on her personal commitments for professional reasons and vice versa while a 26-year-old would rather stay single than marry a man she is not sure of, so what if she lived with him for two years?

If, today, the glass ceiling has been shattered and women are accepted as equals in the working world, it has taken a lot of persistence and effort.

Today’s women have found a way to maintain the personal-professional balance: they delay marriage or just drop the idea completely.

The truth also is that professional success frees the woman from financial dependence, giving her a greater bargaining power in the relationship.

The article also talks about how the Indian male is yet to catch up with his partner’s liberated attitude, and how he still resists the idea of a wife who earns more than him and chooses her career over staying home with the kids.

The man, on his part, is still struggling to come to terms with this new woman who is no longer seeking his approval and when confronted with the classic ‘it’s my way or the highway’ chooses the highway.

It features interviews by ad-man, Prahlad Kakkar, who exhorts Indian men to grow up and break away from their mother’s apron strings. Whether they take his advice remains to be seen.

Great coverage by The Week! Do pick up a copy at your news stand. I’ve written a lot on these issues in the past. You can read some of my related posts here.

Naaree.com Celebrates The New Indian Woman

Stupid Mistakes Women Make

Codependence And The Indian Male

Being Single: The Joys Of Solitude

Are You Marriage Material?

Quirkyalone In Mumbai: Single And Loving It

What I Find Sexy In A Man

Believe In Yourself And Become a Winner

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One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Why do I relate so well to this quote by a famous gay writer? Perhaps because, with the news filled with reports of Hollywood-style break-ups and disastrous marriages, it rings true, now more than ever.

It’s like there’s a celeb filing for divorce almost every other day - Jessica and Nick, Britney and K-Fed, Jude and Sienna, and (the real shocker) Reese and Ryan!! And the awful stats on marriage and divorce make you wonder why people bother getting hitched in the first place.

Kids, that’s why! Most people get married when they want to start a family and give their kids legitimacy. Britney clearly had that on her mind from day one. Now that the packages (read, babies) are delivered, K-Fed has become Fed-Ex.

But was it necessary to go through the indignity of a very public marriage and divorce to be a mother? Adoption is, after all, the latest celebrity fad. Instant babies, minus the stretch marks and flab!

You don’t even need two biological parents to care for a child nowadays. An extended family can nuture a child in the absence of one or both biological parents. A grandparent, uncle or aunt can replace the male or female role model, if necessary.

So is marriage becoming an outdated concept in a world of divorces and disposable spouses? As the commitment-phobic man would say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Of course, women have their own version, which is, “Why buy the whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?”

Then, there are those like Alyque Padamsee, the much-married ad-guru of India, who think that marriage should be a 10-year contract (sort of like a US Visa), and be renewed only if both partners wish it. Guess he’s not a long-haul kind of guy.

I think everyone should try marriage at least once! Twice, if they can afford it. Empathizing with the problems married couples endure, and having a repertoire of “married” jokes, is a social skill everyone should acquire.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood

Personally, I loved being married. Like all couples, we had our share of problems, but we adored each other. It helped, of course, that we fell in love in our teens, when neither of us was very picky. Back then things were much simpler, love came easy, and life was very different from the fast-paced, stressful life that we live today.

But, I think the real reason divorce is hitting an all time high, and belief in marriage as an institution is waning, is that the new generation (and young women, in particular) have far more choices open to them today, than their parents ever had.

And by choices I mean the ability, means, and legal sanction to:

- Leave an abusive relationship. Whereas most women of our parent’s generation would have chosen to stay in an abusive relationship (and still do), young women today have much greater support from parents, society and the law, and when faced with that choice, they are more likely to opt out (with good reason).

- Pursue happiness agressively. And whether that means choosing to leave an unfulfilling relationship because of “irreconciliable differences” or career choices, young people have much more legal and societal support than their parents did.

While the aim of being in a happy, fulfilling relationship is worth pursuing, I know how much work and sacrifice (not to mention loyalty and commitment) it takes to make a go of it. And today’s youth are far less committed to their relationships, and less tolerant of differences.

After all, why bother, when it’s so easy to end something that isn’t working and start over with someone new? What they don’t realise, however, is that the issues that plagued them in their old relationships are likely to follow them into the new relationship as well.

My nonchalance about marriage has more to do with the fact that I’ve already fulfilled my biological purpose of providing my parents with a lovely granddaughter they adore. Freed of the need to procreate, I can afford to stay single for the rest of my life, if I so choose. I know, I’m spoiled for choice!

For most young people however (and women, in particular), the pressure to settle down and have kids makes many of them rush into marriage without assessing the suitability of the person they’ve chosen as a life partner.

The question, then, is not whether marriage is an outdated institution, but whether YOU and your partner are marriage-material. Do you both have what it takes to make a good marriage? Are you truly ready for marriage and all it entails?

Here are some things to consider if you’re in a relationship or planning to take the plunge.

Know What You Want

It’s smart to date until you have the MATURITY and CLARITY to know what you want from yourself and your partner, before you decide to settle down. Dating allows you to learn more about the opposite sex, teaches you what sort of people to avoid, and helps you understand how to deal with problems that crop up.

Don’t Rush Things

Instead of giving in to the heady emotion that accompanies “falling in love” and rushing into a commitment you might regret, take the time to get to know each other for at least TWO TO THREE YEARS (anything before that is a risk) before deciding whether you want to spend your lives together. Ending a relationship can be painful, but it’s much less painful than a divorce, especially when there are kids involved (ask Britney and K-Fed).

Live In The Moment

Instead of keeping one eye on the goal (marriage) and pressuring your partner into a commitment, learn to live in the moment, appreciate your partner for who they are, and enjoy your time together. Take every relationship as a learning experience, because that’s exactly what it is.

Educate Yourself

Learn what it takes and doesn’t take to build a great relationship together. Is the opposite sex a mystery to you? You can learn how they think and feel from self-help and relationship books. I learned a great deal about men and relationships from the books I’ve read (I recommend some on my site). Check out this selection of books on relationships and marriage.

Get Your Act Together

If you have problems handling your emotions, have codependent tendencies, or addictions (that can be lethal to a relationship), approach a counsellor and learn healthy ways to communicate with your partner, manage anger, deal with disappointment, stress and sexual needs. These skills will stand you in good stead when your marriage hits the inevitable bumps along the way.

Deserve What You Want

I’m reading an ebook of that name by Scot McKay, and highly recommend it if you’re widowed/divorced and looking at getting into the dating scene the second time around. It shows you how to take charge of your own dating life and attract a good partner by (surprise, surprise) becoming a great partner yourself (I wrote an article on this here). You can download a preview of Deserve What You Want here. I also recommend Be the Person You Want to Find : Relationship and Self-Discovery by Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher.

I’m the first one to admit that I’m definitely NOT marriage material right now. For one, I’m fiercely independent and focused on my home and career. And second, my plate is too full for me to take on the additional responsibility of caring for another person.

That might change in the future, but for now, I’ll just take my own advice, live in the now, be my quirky self, and appreciate the love and abundance in my life.

‘Do not dwell in the past, Do not dream of the future.
Concentrate your mind on the present moment’.
- Buddha

Popularity: 6% [?]

I’m a Quirkyalone - someone who’s content to be on her own and doesn’t feel the need to go on endless dates or be part of a couple.

I admitted as much to Debjani Ray who interviewed me for an article on Quirkyalones in Mumbai for the Sunday’s edition of DNA (Daily News And Analysis). If you can’t access it at that link, download it here.

The article erroneously put my age at 37 and my daughter’s at 6. Actually I’m 36 and she’s 7. Minor detail. Here’s one of the photos they took of me and Sara, outside Infiniti Mall in Andheri.

I enjoyed reading the opinions of the other quirkys quoted in the article, and especially agree with the guy who thinks of relationships as a way to grow and enhance our lives, not a way to escape from loneliness.

You can be lonelier in a bad relationship/marriage, than when single. Better single and happy, than married and miserable, I say. And I see a LOT of “married and miserables” around me nowadays. One more reason to remain single.

Another reason I like being single is because (as I said in the DNA article) I can’t think of sharing my personal space with another person. It would mean too much adjustment, and I don’t need that.

I love my freedom and independence, and am not willing to give that up for anyone right now. I believe in being with someone because I CHOOSE to, not because I HAVE to.

Some people might call that commitment-phobic. But marriage is a lifetime commitment. And, having been in a marriage (which, for the most part, was happy), I take commitment much too seriously to get involved with a man who doesn’t meet my standards of what I want in a partner.

Besides, I don’t know anyone who gets married thinking, “Oh, it’s not going to last anyway, so we might as well have fun for a few years and then, when we’re bored with each other, we’ll get a divorce.” I know Hollywood celebs do it all the time, but do we really need to complicate our lives for the sake of a piece of paper?

It’s not that I’m against marriage. I’m just against marrying for the WRONG reasons. And that includes:

• Feeling lonely or unloved: This comes from a lack of self-love. It’s something no one can give you but yourself. Applies to both men and women.
• Financial security: Women are guilty of this one. But, unless you have a trust fund or a rich dad, being financially independent is essential for a women. So stop letting your brain cells degenerate with those saas-bahu soaps, ladies. Put that education to use and get yourself a career.
• Respectability: No longer a valid reason to get married. Single people and courting couples now get as much respect as smug marrieds. Even in India.
• “My biological clock is ticking”: Having kids is not a good enough reason to get married nowadays. Thanks to celebs like Sushmita Sen, Madonna and Angelina Jolie, single parenting and adoption are now respectable options.
• Fear of old age: Having a spouse to take care of you or be a companion in old age is no reason to get married. Like the lady in the DNA article, I’d rather pay someone to take care of me than marry for that reason. Having a lively social life and a few good friends of my age is all the companionship I need, thank you.
• Wanting someone to “keep house”: This is the #1 reason many of you mama’s boys choose to get married. Shame on you, guys! If you want hot meals and a clean home, learn to do it yourself or pay someone to do it. Your wife is not your servant.

But I think one of the main reasons I’m so content being single is that I have no illusions about Prince Charming coming along on his white horse to save me. In case your mother forgot to tell you, THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING coming to save you. Not now! Not ever!

Not like I need saving anyway. We Aries women (think Scarlett O’Hara) are quite capable of saving his highness’ princely ass, as well as our own, thank you very much.

Sure, I believe in love, but not as an emotion. For me, love is a practice, a way of living and being. Romantic love is far too restrictive to encompass the beautiful expression of caring, giving and compassion that I call love. In a relationship, love is something that grows over time. It happens naturally and can’t be forced.

Nor am I against being in a relationship. I see relationships as a path to personal and spiritual growth. I believe that people are mirrors, reflecting back to us what we need to change in ourselves. In a relationship you learn things about yourself (and others) that you can never learn on your own.

Our partners are sent to us when we have something new to learn. When we act from our higher self and learn our lessons well, we go on to the next level of consciousness. If we choose to act from ego, the lesson will be sent to us again, till we learn it. That’s the reason patterns keep repeating in our relationships (like when you keep attracting abusive men or losers).

I cherish all my relationships, because I’ve learned and grown with each and every person I’ve encountered. And I don’t mean only lovers, although I’ve probably learned much more from them, and am grateful for every precious moment.

I believe that more and more people will choose to become quirkyalones, cohabit, or wait for marriage until they find the right partner. So is marriage a dying institution? I’ll write more on that later, but do leave your thoughts till then.

As far as being a Quirkyalone goes, like the slogan says, “I’m loving it!”

Popularity: 6% [?]

“That which you gain from each difficult life, you gain for all eternity.”

– from Destiny of Souls by Michael Newton, PH.D.

One of my favourite television programs is “Inside The Actor’s Studio,” where I get a glimpse of my favourite movie stars, up close and personal.

While I found my hottie, Pierce Brosnan, a total disappointment (stiff and self-conscious), I loved the interviews of Jennifer Lopez (the complete diva!), Renee Zellweger (sweet, sensitive and empathic), Ben Kingsley (a class act!) and Ian McKellan (Class Act II).

But the one I loved the most was that of Salma Hayek - who also happens to be my favourite actor, one of the few women I wouldn’t mind changing my sexual orientation for, and a beautiful soul.

Her labour of love, Frida, also happens to be one of my favourite movies of all time. Frida is the biography of artist Frida Kahlo, who channeled the pain of a crippling injury and her tempestuous marriage into her work.

One statement that Salma made, in her interview with the young actors and directors, stays with me till this day, because it resonates with what I’ve believed all my life (even if I haven’t always felt that positive).

“Embrace Adversity,” she said, “It’s the best teacher.”

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So if life throws you a curveball (or a googly, as we say in India), know that it’s just one of the many lessons that the universe wants you to learn from. And if you learn your lessons well, you’ll come out on top every time.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Popularity: 7% [?]

Ideally, this should have been the first article in the series of stupid mistakes women make in relationships, but it took me a while to get my thoughts together, partly because it’s a very complex issue, and partly because it hits very close to home.

As someone who suffered physical abuse in childhood (that comprised beatings inflicted on me and my siblings by a maid servant), I guess I can write about this topic with some degree of sensitivity.

What spurred me to actually start writing this was being interviewed for an article on domestic abuse by Ryzer Pallavi Bhattacharya, and the fact that the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 comes into effect in India from tomorrow.

I think this is an historic act for Indian women, because it also includes punishment for sexual abuse of children. As per the new act, men found guilty of abuse of a wife or a live-in-partner or a child can be jailed for a year or fined heavily, apart from beind booked under different sections of Indian Penal Code.

It allows victims of abuse to seek legal action for any of the following:

Physical violence: Beating, pushing, shoving, causing bodily pain.

Sexual violence: Forced sexual intercourse, forced to look at pornography, child sexual abuse.

Verbal and emotional abuse: Insults, name calling, insults for not having a male child, preventing from taking a job, forcing you a marry a particular person, forcing you to get married when you don’t want to get married, threat to commit suicide and preventing you from meeting any person.

Economic offences: Not providing money for your and children’s maintenance, not providing food, cloth and medicines, stopping or disturbing from carrying your employment, not allowing you to use your salary, forcing you to live in a house, not paying rent and forcing you out of the house.

If screaming and yelling classifies as verbally abusing your spouse, I think most people in relationships could claim to have been in abusive situations. While a single incident does not necessarily make a relationship abusive, I’d draw the line at staying in a relationship that featured one or more of these patterns on a regular basis.

But, for some of the more damaging forms of abuse (child sexual abuse, rape, physical violence), a single incident is sufficient warning of dysfunctional or abusive tendencies, and should be taken very seriously.

Pallavi asked me (and other women’s activists) some basic questions regarding abuse, and I reproduce some of her questions and my own take on this issue here.

What is an abusive relationship?

An abusive relationship is any relationship that threatens your well-being and/or violates your boundaries, either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

Physical abuse includes hitting, beating, torture and rape.

Sexual abuse should also include forcing one’s partner to perform acts they are uncomfortable with.

Mental abuse includes manipulating people into doing things they are not comfortable with, or attempting to convince a person that they are crazy (when it is really the abuser who is the crazy one).

Emotional abuse is an attempt to destroy another person’s self-esteem and keep them dependent on the abuser, e.g. convincing a person they are no good, that they cannot do without the abuser, that no one else will want them, that they are unattractive and stupid.

Spiritual abuse often goes unnoticed because it is very subtle. It is usually an attack on the person’s beliefs, telling them that what they believe is wrong, and trying to coerce them to change the way they think or feel, even when they are unwilling to do so. Forcing a person to convert to another religion would classify as spiritual abuse.

What causes spouse abuse? Why do spouses stay in an abusive relationship?

Here’s my take on this. On the psychological level, abuse is about power and control. Abusers are usually people who have been abused or have grown up in a dysfunctional home.

Their tendency to abuse or control is based on a feeling of being powerless to prevent situations or acts that they had to endure as children. Abusing or controlling another person is a way of regaining the power they had lost as children.

Because the abusive relationship is the only pattern of “love” they are familiar with, people who have been abused, neglected or abandoned in childhood choose to get into and remain in abusive relationships in adulthood, because the pattern feels familiar and therefore, “safe”.

The exception, of course, is an arranged marriage (popular in many countries, including India), especially one where the abuse is based on dowry demands. Here the abused woman is usually not aware of the abusive tendencies of her spouse (and his family) when she opts to get married.

Not all chidren who have been abused or lived in dysfunctional homes become abusers when they grow up. Some enter into codependent relationships that involve excessive giving or taking. The lucky ones are able to deal with their pain in a healthy manner and go on to have healthy relationships.

A lot of Indian marriages are codependent relationships, with men, in general, being takers (on the narsicisstic side of the codependent spectrum). I blame this more on the fact that the boy child is still valued more (and hence treated far better) than the girl child in India, and the sexes have well-defined roles in traditional Indian marriages.

There are exceptions, of course, where the woman is the taker. But, the fact remains that most women choose to remain in abusive relationships because they have low self-esteem and have nowhere else to go.

If you, as a grown woman, make that choice, you are just as guilty of tolerating abuse as your abuser is of meting it out. Ultimately it boils down to whether you’re willing to take responsibility for yourself and your own well-being.

Why children are NOT a reason to stay in an abusive relationship:

If you’ve decided to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of your children, here are a couple of facts you should consider very seriously.

- It’s much better for a child to have one happy parent than two unhappy ones. That’s a fact, not an opinion!

- Children who see their parents tolerate abuse are learning that it’s ok to accept or inflict abuse.

By choosing to stay in an abusive relationship, you not only become a bad role model for your kids, but are creating an unhealthy model for relationships in their young minds, making them more likely to become abusers or victims of abuse themselves.

I have seen, from personal experience, that children of women who chose to stay in abusive relationships are often more angry with their mother for not getting out of the relationship than they are with the abusive father.

Your children will lose respect for you and blame you for the anguish they had to go through, because YOU HAD A CHOICE AND THEY DIDN’T.

What should you do if you’re in an abusive relationship?

Get out now! Realize that you have a choice. You do NOT have to remain in an abusive relationship. Remove yourself from the abusive situation immediately.

Get help. There are many organisations and people willing to help women who are abused. Ask them about your rights and your legal course of action. You’ll find a list of organisations to contact here.

Spend time getting in touch with yourself and your own needs. Get clear on what you really want to do with your life. Find a purpose in your life and follow your dreams. It will help you re-build your self-esteem and become independent.

Learn to understand and deal with your own codependent tendencies. Stop thinking that another person can make you feel happy or secure or fulfilled. You are the only one who can make you feel that way. Cultivate independence and you’ll attract healthy partners and relationships.

Believe in yourself. Know that you do not need anyone but yourself to take care of your needs. Have faith in your ability to do that. When you learn take care of your own needs, you’ll never have to settle for being in an abusive situation again.

Recommended Reading:

Emotionally Abused Women

Marriage and family therapist, Beverly Engel, discusses the emotional abuse of women, how to stand up to an abusive partner, get out of an abusive relationship, and even deal with emotional abuse in the workplace.

Beverly Engel’s Books on Abusive Relationships

Beverly is the best selling author of eighteen self-help books. She is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience and is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of abuse, women’s issues, relationships, and sexuality.

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Although I’ve spent a lot of time working on my codependent tendencies, this excellent book, which I’m currently reading, made me painfully aware of how these patterns were reinforced by my abusive childhood and my parents’ dysfunctional marriage. Armed with that knowledge, I now feel more empowered to understand and change my own patterns. I highly recommend it if you find that you have a tendency to attract needy partners or give far more than you get in relationships.

Codependence: Painful Adult Behaviors Learned in Childhood

An excellent article that explores the origins of codependence, and why women are more prone to codependent behaviour.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The war against terror cannot be won on the oilfields of Iraq or the ravines of Afghanistan. The battleground is, in fact, much closer to home.

People are mirrors, reflecting back to us the fear and hatred that arises in our own mind.

We hate others when we see in them something we dislike in ourselves. We judge them because we judge ourselves.

We get angry with them because we are angry with ourselves. We treat them as inferior because we see ourselves as unworthy.

The most important relationship in your life is not the one you have with your parents, your mate, or your children. It’s the relationship you have with YOURSELF.

If we treated ourselves half as well as we treat the people we love, we’d never allow the seeds of fear, hate, anger or judgment to take root in our minds and hearts.

When you can look at yourself with love and compassion, and accept yourself without judgement, there will be no room for negativity in your mind.

In a world where everyone loved themselves unconditionally, there would be no place for terror, war, racism or bigotry.

The LOC is in your own thoughts €œ and only you can decide whether you want to control it or let it control you.

Popularity: 17% [?]

After being thrown back into the dating scene in my thirties, I haven’t really found my choices appealing. Partly my fault. I don’t date much, nor am I proactive about finding a date. I’ve been too busy with work and family to even care about dating.

As one of my best friends (who also happens to be a man) told me, I don’t really need a man in my life. And he was telling the truth, as men usually are - at least the ones I know anyway.

I have a full life and am quite content being single. Besides, I have everything a woman could ever want. A home of my own, a beautiful daughter who’s the light of my life, supportive parents who help me take care of her, financial and emotional independence, and work that fulfils me creatively.

What more could I possibly ask for! Yup, I know I’m blessed, and I’m grateful for everything I have. So then, why the hell do I want a man in my life? Especially with all the aggravation they cause. Beats me

But y’know, I did have some wonderful times with my hubby, going on holiday together, doing fun things that couples do. I enjoyed having someone to share my dreams with. And I miss that sometimes.

Then again, I don’t need to be married to do all that stuff with someone. Marriage is a big deal for me. Not something I take lightly. And I don’t see myself taking that step until I’ve been in a committed relationship for at least two years - as long it takes for all the attraction chemicals to wear off.

But the thirties are a really not a bad time at all. I no longer feel the need to be anyone’s wife, and can afford to raise my standards and be verrrry picky about choosing a mate.

After all these years, my requirements in a mate have changed a lot. The relationships I’ve had helped me get clearer on the minimum requirements I should expect in a partner.

Clarity is the first step to doing it right, so I think its time to put down my list of what I want (and more importantly, don’t want) in a man.

We did this little exercise on my Single and Loving It! Network a few days ago, and it was fun. Writing down what you want works just as well for personal goals as it does for business goals.

So here goes:

1. Honest and Open: We Aries women are not really known for our tact and diplomacy. Being honest and open ourselves, we truly appreciate those qualities in our partner. I may not always like what he says or agree with his views, but I’ll always respect him for stating them. It also matters how he treats other people. If he lies to them, he’ll probably lie to me as well.

2. Intelligent and well-informed: You can’t really expect a smart, well-read woman like me to be with a man who’s not as smart, or smarter, than I am, do you? Just kidding. But if he wants to get my attention and keep it, intelligent conversation is a good way to start. I have a low threshold of tolerance for ignorant people and bores.

3. Secure and confident: If there’s one thing that’s a complete turn-off in a man, its insecurity. So is arrogance. But a healthy measure of confidence that’s firmly grounded in a strong sense of self-worth, is very, very sexy indeed.

4. Sunny disposition: As an optimist, and someone extremely sensitive to negative vibes, I would much rather be with a man who’s positive and optimistic. Seeing the humour in a situation will help us get through tough times. Moodiness is tolerable (I’m moody myself), but if the black clouds never show signs of abating, I’ll take a long rain check.

5. Non-abusive Encouraging, Allowing, Appreciative: No controlling, manipulative, abusive types for me, thank you. Stay away from the man who uses subtle, insidious tactics to screw with your mind. He’ll chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you thinking that you’re the basket case - when he’s really the one with the poisonous attitude. This behaviour is unacceptable - a deal-breaker.

6. Not dysfunctional or toxic Functional and emotionally healthy: Does he still blame his ex-wife for screwing up his life? Or his parents for how messed up he is? Does he have problems getting along with people in his life? Then he’s definitely the toxic type. The sort who blames everyone else for his problems and projects all his insecurities on to others. If I stick around, I know I’ll be next in line.

7. Accepts me the way I am: One of the most attractive qualities in a man is his willingness to accept me the way I am, warts and all, without wanting to change me. And even more attractive is his ability to be forgiving of my faults (and I have a few), especially at that touchy time of month.

8. Independent: No Mama’s boys allowed on my campus. If you still live with your parents and have this little codependent thing going with your mom, you’ll score high on my Ewww rating. If you expect a woman to cook, clean and do your laundry, you need a maid, not a mate.

9. Caring and affectionate: I guess its my Goan blood, because I simply love hugging and cuddling €œ but only once we’ve gotten to that stage, not before. I’m big on PDA (Public Displays of Affection) and I love a man who’s not afraid to show the world that he cares. My hubby and I could barely keep our hands off each other. I know there were people who wanted very badly to tell us to get a room. Did we care? Not!

10. Compassionate and liberal: No racists or bigots, please. Take your prejudices elsewhere. A man’s attitude for those less privileged than himself says a lot about his character.

11. Loves children and pets: As a mom who takes her job very seriously, I wouldn’t even consider dating a man who doesn’t love kids. And if you can tolerate my mutt, so much the better.

12. Respects himself and others: This is a biggie! Disrespect is a complete turn-off, a huge deal-breaker for me. A man who loves and respects himself will have healthy boundaries, and will respect others boundaries, mine included. If he consistently violates your boundaries, it shows he has little respect for others, and could easily turn abusive.

13. Free of addictions Clean living: Addiction is an instant deal-breaker. I could never date a man who does drugs, smokes or drinks. If you find it surprising for a Goan like me to abhor drinkers, lets just say that I learned the hard way. An unhealthy attachment to the telly is also not attractive (except during world cup matches, during which I’ll take off with my girlfriends for a long holiday). I’d watch for signs of unhealthy addictions to people and relationships also, because these are not always easy to spot.

14. Spiritual: I’m a spiritual (not religious) person. I’m not materialistic. I don’t care how big your car, house or bank balance is. What matters is the size of your heart. I do pretty well for myself, but I like the simple life. So if money, cars and luxuries are all you care about, I know we’re not meant for each other. I prefer men with a spiritual bent of mind, because I know we’ll have lots to discuss and explore. Tantra, anyone?

15. Not stingy Generous: If a man is stingy with his money, you can bet he’ll be stingy with his time and affection. As far as I’m concerned, Scrooge is a character who belongs in a Dickens novel, not across my dinner table. I believe the one who makes the date pays the bill. It’s not fair to make a man either partner pay all the time, but I do appreciate it when a man is willing to split the bill.

16. Can carry his weight financially: If he’s always in debt, he’s in no position to date or be in a relationship. A man who’s dysfunctional in such an important area of his life is sure to be dysfunctional in other areas as well. Dating a man like that would mean always having to pick up the tab, or worse, having to loan him money. Been there, done that, lived to regret it. Enough said.

17. Takes care of his health: This is another biggie for me. A man who takes care of his body and exercises regularly is attractive, because it means he cares about himself. If he doesn’t, he’s either got serious self-esteem issues or is depressed (read dysfunctional). I swore never again to be with someone who doesn’t care about his health. And I intend to keep that vow.

18. Balances work and relationships: If he’s a workaholic, where’s the time for a relationship? If I date him, he’s either got to be relationship-focused like me, or be pretty good at time-management.

19. Open to trying new things, having new experiences: When a man is afraid or reluctant to try anything new it tells me that he’s either afraid of change or rigid in his thinking, both very unattractive qualities. I’m adventurous and open to learning more about life, so I want to be with someone who thinks the same way.

20. Has goals and works towards them: It’s a real turn-on when a man has a sense of purpose and is going somewhere with his life. A man like that is more likely to respect and support my goals and dreams, and that could make for a great partnership.

21. Believes in being friends first: If sex is all he’s got on his mind, he’s sniffing up the wrong skirt. I’m not into casual relationships. I want someone I can talk to and have fun with. A guy who’s ok with watching a movie or a concert, going for a walk or listening to music. Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. Sex will happen, when it feels right, and not before.

22. Willing to devote time and effort: Is he willing to put in the time and effort it takes to build a relationship? If he isn’t, then he’s probably not very interested. And if he can’t make the time, neither will I.

23. Available: Another biggie! Must not be married, separated (call me when the divorce is through), a serial dater or commitment-phobic. I have no intention of being the string-along.

24. Wants to be exclusive: This goes both ways. If he wants me not to date anyone else, he’s gotta be willing to do the same. If you’re a serial dater or player, don’t even try your charms on me. We Aries women are wise to your games.

25. Heterosexual and great in bed: I put this last, but it’s a biggie, too. Of course, he’s gotta be straight. Will and Grace is a nice comedy, but not one I want to enact in real life. And though great sex can’t compensate for a man who makes you feel lousy about yourself, it can always make a good thing better. Besides, I really love a man who knows that “foreplay” isn’t a game for four players.

Summing up, I’d only consider dating a man I respect and admire. I can’t respect a loser (all he’ll get from me is sympathy), someone who has serious issues to deal with (I’m not his therapist), or a man who hasn’t achieved a measure of success in his own field.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. I’ll probably never find a man with all these qualities, but actually I’ve come pretty close in the past. Close, but no cigar, as they say.

Besides, this is just a list. And if all it does is help me get clarity on what I will, and will not, tolerate in a partner, it’s served its purpose.

Feel free to borrow it or make your own list below.

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