Soul Kadee

In the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of energy work, and made a number of breakthroughs in the meditation course I did with Leo.

But there were some emotions I hadn’t been willing to deal with, and I felt tied to the past with cords of residual anger, resentment and unforgiveness. I knew that, as long as I harboured these feelings, I would find it hard to make the progress I needed to make.

Meditation wasn’t helping release my emotions, and I knew that it was going to take nothing less than a paradigm change to change the way I felt about my past. A few days ago, I got my breakthrough, felt that change happen, and my entire resonance shifted to a much happier vibration.

What spurred this change was recalling a belief I have long harboured, about what new age teachers like Caroline Myss, call Sacred Contracts.

A Sacred Contract is an ancient notion that our souls enter into a kind of contract before birth, that we agree to have various human experiences, and even to encounter certain people in order to learn lessons. As Caroline Myss explains in this interview,

We make contracts before we incarnate. We make contracts that are directed toward our personal empowerment, toward the expansion of our hearts, and toward the expansion of our contribution to the group soul of humanity.

The contracts and negotiations your soul has made, form the texture of your life. You make arrangements for certain commitments, for opportunities to meet certain people, to be certain places, but what you do and how you are when you get there, that’s where choice comes in.

If you know the contracts you made before you were born, you will find it easier to discern your life’s purpose.

When you begin to see your life from this perspective, you realise that YOU CHOSE all the experiences you have had in this life, and all the people you have met are your “soul supporters” who agreed to play a role to help your personality and soul grow and expand in this lifetime.

So how does this understanding help you live a happier life? By helping us realise that everything is happening as it should, based on your thinking and the choices you make, as the article here notes. For me, the key to releasing the past was GRATITUDE.

When you look at your life without gratitude, you can’t appreciate how everything is trying to come together to get you to the next place. Realize every life has something special to offer and your real job is to figure that out.

We all have contracts to meet certain people in our lives. If you allow yourself to see how that person has helped you grow, you can learn about yourself and find the reason you were meant to know that person in the first place.

Seen in that light, there is really nothing you can feel but GRATITUDE, for all the experiences - good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, loving and abusive - that you have gone through. And, in the instant that all your feelings of anger, resentment and unforgiveness are TRANSFORMED to Gratitude, you become FREE from the effects of the past.

Although I’ve always believed in Sacred Contracts, I had never really assimilated it into my life in this manner, perhaps because, on some level, my ego didn’t want to let go of wanting to be right. But, wanting to be right gives away my power, prevents me from taking responsibility for my life, and makes me a victim. And that’s not how I want to define myself EVER!

Wanting to be right creates anger and resentment, the very emotions that keep us bound in the past, and prevent us from healing. Harbouring resentment and refusing to forgive others is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment, harboured over a long time, causes cancer, writes Louise Hay, in You Can Heal Your Body.

It was very empowering to realise that everything I have experienced is based on Sacred Contracts that I chose for myself, because it made me realise how futile it was to hold on my anger and resentment towards the people who hurt me. Especially when I know now, that they are my soul supporters - the ones I made a contract with to help me grow in this lifetime.

And now, when I look back at everything I have experienced in my life, I know that some of my most painful experiences were the most life-changing ones - the ones that helped me grow and learn to love and accept myself for who I am. The person I am today is because I went through each and every one of those experiences.

I know I’ve truly released my past when I can finally look back on EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in it with gratitude, and say, “Thanks for the memories.”

More about Sacred Contracts:

Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential

Myss espouses the ancient notion that our souls enter into a kind of contract before birth that we agree to have various human experiences and even to encounter certain people in order to learn lessons. The author includes a technique for arriving at 12 archetypes that rule different areas of our life from career to sex to our highest aspirations.

Secrets about Life Every Woman Should Know : Ten Principles for Total Emotional and Spiritual Fulfillment

I finished reading this book by Barbara de Angelis a while ago and I recommend that every woman read it. De Angelis incudes in the beginning of the book, a chapter on Sacred Contracts, which I think is very apt, because it helps us see our entire life through a very empowering perspective.

Popularity: 94% [?]

We humans love to label stuff. Perhaps we do this to understand our environment and ourselves better. In some fields, like biology, labels and classifications work, because they are based on a reductionistic approach and view life-forms as separate.

Most life-forms don’t care about being labelled. It doesn’t make a difference to them whether they’re called cephalopods or arthropods. But for humans, being labelled is judgmental and a display of prejudice.

Here are just a few of ways we use labels for ourselves and our fellow humans:

• Race (African, Asian, Caucasian)
• Religion (Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew)
• Country (Indian, Pakistani, British, American)
• Cultural (Eastern, Western)
• Gender (Male, Female)
• Skin colour (Fair, dark, white, black, brown)
• Looks (beautiful, ugly, plain)
• Body type (tall, short, thin, fat, obese)
• Income (rich, poor, upper class, lower class)
• Intelligence (genius, average, retard)
• Personality (Type A/B, depressed, borderline, psychotic, schizoid, ADHD)
• Profession (lawyer, accountant, doctor, writer, singer, actor)
• Marital status (married, single, divorced, widowed)

Psychologists and marketers love this sort of segmentation, because it helps them serve their clients in more effective ways.

The question I want to ask is - exactly how does it help to label ourselves according to the definitions above? Do we need a label in order to identify with the human race? Aren’t we doing ourselves and others an injustice when we label people we interact with?

The labels above are the more benign ones we use everyday. But labelling imposes huge limitations on us, especially when we learn them during our impressionable years (early childhood and our teenage years).

Labels such as kaali (dark) or “stupid”, or beliefs that the boy-child is more precious than the girl-child, have scarred the self-image of many innocent children, creating self-hate and insecurity as adults.

If you must label a child, do it in a positive way. Teach her to accept herself, show her that she is beautiful, and point out the features that make her unique and special.

As babies, we are born pure and untouched by prejudice. We learn segregation, racism, communalism, colour-consciousness, and other such bigoted views from our parents, community and society. We learn to react to the physicalities and personalities of others, rather than respond to their souls.

The soul knows no labels. It is neither male not female, black nor white. It has no race or religion. It is pure Spirit and knows it is one with the Universe. It is at a level where there are no distinctions or separate identities.

Labels, like the ones above, are imposed by the Ego (Personality). But at the level of the Higher Self (Soul), we are all the same, and there is no use for labels.

As evolving beings, we must learn to see each other at the soul level. And we can only do that when we learn to act from our Higher Self, when we treat ourselves and our fellow humans (since, on the soul level, we are all one) with compassion and acceptance.

But what of those who try to harm us?

Do not try to change them. Realise that they are only acting from their own fear and pain. Setting boundaries is a way of showing compassion and refusing to take on the pain of others. Everyone has their lessons to learn. When we take on the task of changing others, we are not doing them a favour, because they will never learn their lessons.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Tolerance is something that has been sold to Indians for ages, under the guise of secularism. But tolerance is just suppressed resentment. And resentment is bound to erupt in hate at some point.

It is not tolerance, but acceptance we have to work towards. Acceptance based on the knowledge that we are not separate beings, but different parts of the same being. Non-acceptance of each other stems from non-acceptance of our self, and fear of our dark side.

Nowadays, when I notice myself being judgmental of others, I take a step back and look inside myself to see which part of me I am refusing to accept. I then make peace with that part of me, and learn to be compassionate with my own flaws.

From unconditional self-acceptance comes healing, and compassion and acceptance for others.

When we refuse to label ourselves as fat or thin, pretty or ugly, dark or fair, we will learn to see our true inner beauty. And, since our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world, the beauty within will be reflected in our lives and in our world.

Recommended Reading:

Unconditional Self Acceptance

I am a great fan of Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher and author. In this audiobook she uses various guided meditations, exercises and reflections to help the listener get in touch with their deepest self and get a better understanding of their conditioned responses while learning self compassion.

Some of her other books that touch upon this subject are

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline

We are conditioned to think that if we were only a little better in some way, we would be happy. But, Huber says, no amount of self-punishment will ever make us happy or bring us control over life’s problems. The help we are looking for is really found in self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Compassionate self-discipline € the will to take positive steps in life € is found through nothing other than being present.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.

Transcendent Beauty: It Begins with a Single Choice…to Be!

I am currently reading this book authored by Crystal Andrus - a woman who is beautiful, both inside and out. She shows us that while most people talk about attractiveness as being merely physical, true beauty definitely comes from the soul. She teaches you to let your inner beauty shine by becoming comfortable with who you are and taming your ego - that critical, fearful voice in your head.

See a selection of resources on Inner Child Healing

Popularity: 96% [?]

I’m a big believer in energy medicine, and have been using meditation and reiki for the last year, to heal myself in mind, body and spirit. In my desire to treat my body as my temple, I eliminated, from my diet, foods that I believed were not good for me. I programmed my mind so strongly against junk food, that my body now rejects it.

In the last year, I lost over 25 pounds of extra flab. Meditation, inner work, and a healthier diet helped a great deal. But the main reason I lost that load rather easily (with little or no exercise) was because I decided that the weight no longer served me.

We women don’t realise how much of our weight gain is emotional. And I don’t mean only because of overeating (although that does affect many women), because I’m a rather poor eater.

People tend to put on weight when they’re stressed, depressed or ill. With women especially, low self-esteem tends to lead to a vicious cycle where we put on weight, stop caring about the way we look, which causes us to put on even more weight.

Fact is, when you’re stressed out, perhaps suffering from low self-esteem, or have a lot of negativity in your life, your body goes into starvation-mode and tends to store weight. For sensitive people, fat actually acts as a buffer against negative energy.

Intuitive healer, Judith Orloff, M.D, explains the energetic premise of obesity, in her book, “Positive Energy: Ten Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear Into Vibrance, Strength, and Love“.

One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don’t factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surrounds the body.

Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies.

Here’s the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin, they have less padding and are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth-century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient’s symptoms — a common trap I’ve seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device.

Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath’s hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed, it’s important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating.

Although I don’t eat to ground myself, my body still tended to store fat when I was stressed out or depressed. Once I learned how to use meditation to ground myself, the fat fell away easily.

Find Your “Why” And The “How” Will Follow

I come from a family that encouraged music, rather than athletics. Except for the occasional stint in the gym, I never took physical fitness seriously. Over the years, I tried a few ignorant and misguided attempts at working out. One of those ended in collapse from over training, so I was very wary of starting any new workout program.

Besides, I loved my curves and had no desire to look like a skinny supermodel. But, accepting your body is one thing. Denying your poor health is another. The emotional and health challenges of the last few years had taken their toll on my body, and I found it difficult to build chi, beyond a point, for the purpose of healing.

Building chi energy requires muscle strength and excellent blood circulation. As a healer and lightworker, my less-than-adequate fitness levels were an obstacle to my spiritual growth. Also, as a woman over 35, I knew that I would soon start losing lean muscle and bone mass, if I didn’t take steps to preserve it. To boost my healing abilities, and preserve my quality of life, I simply had to get serious about my fitness goals.

I read that the best way to build strength is with weights or resistance training. So, I began my education in fitness and strength training with Jon Benson’s Fit Over 40, an inspiring ebook that features a number of amazing role models who overcame disability, age, and other serious health challenges, to achieve levels of fitness most of us can only dream of.

Especially awe-inspiring was the story of a 77-year old grandmother, who also happens to be a champion bodybuilder!

Bodybuilding And The Law of Attraction

Personally, I have no intention of participating in bodybuilding contests, but I did realise, that bodybuilders are actually some of the best role models for manifesting abundance.

Not only are they highly focused and motivated, they are also familiar with many techniques (including creative visualisation), taught by spiritual gurus and Law of Attraction teachers, to achieve their dream bodies. My favourite fitness gurus are Tom Venuto, Jon Benson and Will Brink.

I learned a lot about manifestation from Jon’s Fit Over 40 book, where he describes very creative ways to use visualisation to manifest goals. Jon talks about the need to get rid of limiting beliefs, and heal the spirit before we can heal our bodies. He recently started the M-Power Inner Circle to help people achieve the life of their dreams.

I don’t believe we can consider physical fitness in isolation from financial, emotional or spiritual fitness. A healthy mind, healthy body, healthy finances, and a healthy spirit are like spokes in the wheel of abundance. If either one of these spokes is weak, the wheel is in danger of collapsing.

Why Vijay Mallya Is NOT The “Richard Branson Of India”

Like Jon, I believe that a person who is deficient in even one of these areas is not truly a success and is not expressing her full potential. That’s why it irritates me to hear Indians comparing Dr. Vijay Mallya with Sir Richard Branson. Sure, Dr. Mallya, has the wealth, the flamboyance and the lifestyle. But you only have to take one look at him to see that, physically, the man is a wreck.

I believe overall fitness levels are a good indicator of a person’s emotional set-point. You know something is not quite right, when a person who can afford to employ the world’s best fitness professionals, doesn’t care enough to take care of his own body.

For me, Dr. Mallya is simply not a patch on the athletic Sir Branson. I have nothing against Dr. Mallya personally, but a role model for success, he is not!

You are only given one body. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. A month ago, I didn’t even know what a Rep was. Today I work out in the gym thrice a week, and on other days practice T’ai Chi and Pilates. If I can’t work out for a day or so, I really miss the endorphins. Believe me, they can be pretty addictive.

Resources: Free bodybuilding and weight loss ebooks

Popularity: 100% [?]

Since I started on my path of personal and spiritual growth over a year ago, my life has changed in so many ways. I’ve been transformed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I learned new ways of thinking, feeling and being that I never had access to earlier.

As I started treating my body as my temple, I became more sensitive to the messages it sent me about what I ate and how I exercised. I lost the desire to eat many of the foods I used to enjoy. I found myself unable to tolerate junk food €œ which meant no more KFC or McDonalds - and became intolerant to anything cooked with too much spice or oil.

I eliminated coffee, red meat and alcohol from my diet. I still enjoy my tea and the occasional need to indulge my sweet tooth, but my diet now largely consists of fruit, cereals and eggs.

As I responded to my body’s needs, it reciprocated by losing all the pounds I’d piled on after pregnancy, and I regained my health and energy levels. On an emotional level, I dealt with insecurities, fear, grief, anger, and worked through many issues that were holding me back.

A lot of physical issues, like weight gain and skin conditions, resolved themselves once I got rid of my emotional baggage. It just proved to me how deeply connected our emotions are to physical dis-ease, a fact which Louise Hay explains so well in her book, Heal Your Body.

On a spiritual level, I learned to raise my vibration, to heal myself, and others. As I began to listen to messages from my inner self, my insights and intuition improved. I learned mindfulness, self-love and self-acceptance. Loneliness ceased to be an issue when I learned to cultivate a strong connection with myself, and the Divine.

At the risk of being labelled eccentric, I no longer think it selfish or unnatural when I prefer my own company - or that of a few good friends - over the mindless socialising that others seem to enjoy. I prefer solitary, mind-enhancing pursuits, like reading a good book or watching a movie or meditating, to hanging out in noisy places, like pubs or discos.

I feel calmer and more at peace with myself today. I’m learning now to align with my higher self, and respond from love, rather than fear and ego. I don’t expect life to be smooth, but know my new perspective will help me handle anything it throws at me with grace and optimism.

Despite it’s considerable benefits, the path of growth was often scary, and not always smooth and painless. In order to grow, we have to let go of things, and people, that have comforted and given us security all our lives.

We have to step out of our comfort zones, face our fears, take risks, try new things and follow our heart, even when those closest to us are unable to support or believe in us. To reach where I am today, I had to let go of a lot of things that no longer served me €œ old beliefs, values, lifestyles and relationships.

Discomfort with old ways of being, is part of the process of spiritual growth, explains Faith Lynella in her ebook, Aspirin for the Spiritual Hangover. She writes

Each leap up the vibration scale brings access to that level’s priorities and worldview. When your vibration rate increases, it’s harder to relate to the frequency you left behind - its people, interests, and beliefs. You have less and less in common with them.

As people vibrate at a higher level, they attract different people and circumstances to them. Those relationships out of alignment fall away. The basis for relationships will be defined by each person’s energy levels.

I found that sometimes old habits fell away easily and relationships ended painlessly. At other times, it was much harder and I had to make a conscious effort to let go. Often, my fears took me two steps forward and one step back. But I came to realise that, in order to gain something new, you have to let go of the old. That’s the way the universe works.

The key to surviving my spiritual hangover was learning new skills and attitudes, like acceptance of the process, and learning to let go of control and resistance. Surrender doesn’t come easy to a control freak like me, and I resisted change many times €œ with painful consequences.

It’s not all gloomy, however, because as you raise your vibration and let go of things that no longer serve you, you also begin to attract into your life people and circumstances that support the New You.

And, like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly, once you’ve reached a higher plane of existence, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to go back to where you came from.

Popularity: 62% [?]

Women often tend to ignore their own financial well-being, allowing the men in their lives - fathers, husbands or brothers - to take decisions for them. It’s ok to turn to more informed people for financial advice, but neglecting to understand your financial rights and options can get you in a big mess.

When I found myself single again, I was forced to start taking decisions that, until then, I had left to my late husband. Since he passed away suddenly and neglected to take out an insurance policy, I had to take that decision immediately, for the sake of my little daughter’s future.

The burden of handling property and legal matters fell to me, and though I handled it well, I wish I’d taken more interest in such things when my husband was alive. Drawing from my own experience, the focus of the current issue of Naaree.com is on Property Rights for women, the topic of a seminar held recently in Mumbai.

We also carry features on Insurance and Investments for Indian women, besides our usual columns on dating, diet and wellness.

Check out the new articles on Naaree.com below:

Property Rights and Women
According to the amended Hindu Succession Act women have equal rights in parental property. Despite this, women are still denied their propery rights in modern India, reports Pallavi Bhattacharya.

Insurance Options For Indian Women
Whether it is life, health or property, as women, we tend to rely on others to make these judgments for us. But insurance is and essential tool to secure a financially happy future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Investment Tools For Women
While more and more women are pursuing high powered careers and becoming an inherent and valuable part of workforce, few, however, are aware of how to make themselves financially secure. Kinnary Nensee shows you how the right investments can make all the difference.

Domestic Violence (Physical and Emotional Abuse): Questions to Ask
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Tolerating Abuse: How Much Is Enough?
It seems that for the average Indian family izzat is more important than a daughter. How much can we take and what is our limit when it comes to abuse, asks Khushboo Aulakh.

Tai Chi For Women
Relaxation, mood stabilising, weight loss, age control and self-defence - an adept Tai Chi practitioner can develop all of them. And aren’t these the very things every woman wants to acquire? Tai Chi, an internal martial art developed on thousands of years of Chinese history and culture is now taught and practised in India.

Dating Dish: Why ‘Perfect’ Men Are Dangerous
It’s human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, the only way that a *real* relationship can emerge is by giving it time to develop in a healthy way, advises our dating coach, Paige Parker.

Dark Circles Puffy Eyes: Easy Natural Remedies
Dark circles and puffy eyes are one of the most frequently asked how-to-cure skin care related questions. Our beauty columnist, Angela Purcell, author of Magical Skincare Kingdom, recommends natural ways you can dramatically reduce, if not eliminate them.

Grab the Wheel: How to Get in the Driving Seat of Your Life
Are you truly in the driving seat of your life, or are you carting around a back-seat driver, or a mini-bus load of little voices with big desires? If there’s someone reaching over to turn your wheel it may be time to get assertive about what you want in your life and where you want to go.

Happy reading!

Popularity: 44% [?]

It’s been a little over a year since I discovered healing with energy medicine and I thought it was about time I devoted a new blog to this topic.

I will now be posting all new information on energy healing and auras on the new Energy Medicine blog. Check out the articles I posted there today:

• Aura Photography: Healing Your Energy Body
• Are You An Energy Vampire?

Popularity: 33% [?]

Sensitives are often unknowingly affected by the energy, emotions, and desires of others. This can be both confusing and overstimulating because we are unable to distinguish whether we’re operating from our own center or someone else’s. I believe that it’s critically important for sensitive souls to learn how to protect themselves and to clear away the energy and emotions of other people.

One key aspect is setting good boundaries. Many of us get into trouble when we try to take care of other people first. Often this comes at the cost of our own wellbeing. I believe this is due, in part, to our empathic nature. We easily see and feel what others need and want, so it’s easy to get confused about “what’s mine, what’s yours.”

An important first step in establishing healthy boundaries is learning to let go of taking responsibility for other people’s lives, desires, and emotional responses. It helps me to focus on the spiritual truth that people are on the right and perfect path for themselves, even when they are “clearly not.”

What I mean when I say this is that if, to my eye or ego-self, people seem to be making huge mistakes or are in desperate need of rescuing, I take a spiritual step back. I remind myself that this may be exactly the personal challenge that the person needs to fully attain their own soul purpose or to learn their life lessons. And, most importantly, that my interference just may prevent that achievement.

My teacher, Sonia Choquette, says: “Ultimately, an overly empathic heart may be a vote of no-confidence in those you love and care about.”

This is a good reminder to honor the ability that those around us have to take care of themselves. What we can do, instead, is focus on taking care of our own lives and modeling that for other people. By being responsible for yourself, you create a safe space for others to discover their own power.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t assist others. But it does mean that it’s worth getting their permission or their request for assistance first. Then, see if you can focus on helping them to discover their own solutions — that’s true empowerment. I’m reminded of the old saying that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; but if you teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Don’t rescue, don’t overly identify. Do stay in your power, model empowerment by caring for yourself, and support others to do the same.

Copyright July 2005, Jennifer K. Avery

Jenna Avery, the Life Coach for Sensitive Souls, offers an original coaching program designed to guide highly sensitive souls to a deep sense of inner rightness, so they are inspired to step forward and shine. You’re invited to visit her website at www.highlysensitivesouls.com to take her free online assessment, “Is Your Sensitivity Working For You?”

Popularity: 33% [?]

I love Christine Akiteng’s advice on relationships, and enjoyed reading her ebook and all the great dating articles she sends out in her newsletter. I also loved how she opened up and shared how she got rid of her own destructive dating patterns in the article, Confessions Of Every Man’s “Dream Woman”.

Reading it gave me a sense of deja vu actually, because I recognised so many of my own behaviours in that article. For the last couple of years, I’ve been a lot like that low-maintainance woman that men love. Never possessive or jealous, open, honest, non-judgmental, extremely independent - and terrified of commitment.

I realised, however, that something about this didn’t feel right, and that it wasn’t attracting the right kind of men into my life. I knew I needed to become more discerning and picky about the men I dated.

Like Christine, in my last relationship, I tended to blow hot and cold. As soon as it showed signs of getting serious, I would freak out (like a man) and bail out, only to return after much reflection, and realisation that I was reacting to my own fears of intimacy.

I did, however, become honest about my fears and patterns, and started doing the inner work I needed to clear them. My relationship did not survive the personal changes I went through, but it helped me heal and grow so much, and left me with such beautiful memories, that I’ll know I’ll always be good friends with my ex.

I’ve lots more work to do, but I give myself credit for making a great deal of progress in becoming aware of and healing my destructive patterns. With that in mind, I thought this excellent article of Christine’s would be really apt to share with you here.

20 Signs You Are Free From Your Destructive Relationship Pattern

Following my article; How Do You Make The Pain Go Away - Letting Go Obsessing About Him/Her, I’ve been flooded with emails from men and women asking me to explain exactly what learning and moving on entails.

Most people seem to recognize that there is definitely a self-destructive pattern in their relationships, a pattern they are stuck in. A few of them have been working to break free from their destructive patterns but now ask, How do I know I’ve moved on?”

A person who has overcome his/her pattern of negative bonding” is profoundly different from what he/she was before:

1. You accept yourself fully (as you are now) even while wanting to change parts of yourself.

2. You take full responsibility for your own behaviour, own choices and own life.

3. You do not adapt yourself to try and fit into uncomfortable” situations and relationships.

4. You recognize that you’re a worthy person and your fulfillment is as important as anyone else.

5. You are in touch with your feelings, needs and desires and do not need a man/woman to bring out the fully expressive, creative and affectionate you. You do that with yourself and get a real kick out of it.

6. You are taking risks; meeting new and different people and learning more of what life wants to teach you about yourself through others.

7. You are freed from the overwhelming responsibility of fixing others. No one has to change in order for you to feel good or get on with the business of living.

8. You are less needy, less worried, less anxious, less angry, less irritable, less hostile, less forceful, less submissive, less confrontational, less selfish and self-destructive.

9. You are more realistic in your expectations of yourself and of others. You no longer pressurize others for more of what they don’t have (time, closeness, sensitivity, romance, fidelity, material stuff etc.) or give him/her too much of what he/she does not necessarily want and then become angered and hurt when he/she does not seem to appreciate it.

10. You are more able to relax and enjoy yourself and others more. This frees others to relax and enjoy themselves around you.

11. You’ve let go playing games: calculating, manipulating, putting on a great big spectacular show of loving” him/her, the chasing and running away. You are more relaxed and honest, and let the rest take care of itself.

12. You are pursuing your interests, hobbies and dreams.

13. You have a circle of supportive friends and family while at the same time avoiding dysfunctional relationships and energy drainers - people who sabotage your growth by wanting you to remain the same so that they can remain the same.

14. You trust more and can more comfortably let down your protection against being really hurt and allow a man/woman to see and love you for who you really are.

15. You no longer use your sexuality as a tool to control intimacy and relationships. You now allow yourself to be sexual as away of deepening your knowledge of each other.

16. You allow yourself to be loved because you already love yourself. If there is lots of love already in there, it is much easier to receive and accept love that comes from outside of you.

17. You know that a good relationship takes work and time to grow and are willing to put in effort and time but at the same time know when to let go if it’s not working - to let go without experiencing disabling depression.

18. You don’t need to find a partner who is the opposite of you to bring balance into your life. Instead you ask, Does this relationship enable me grow into all I am capable of being?”

19. You’ve learned to live your life without all the stress” and time-consuming and energy draining dramas of heated battles, begging, angry outbursts, parting and reconciling.

20. What once felt normal and familiar feels uncomfortable, awkward and unhealthy. When everything in you wants to take over, to advice and encourage, use praise to raise” his/her self-esteem, or criticism to manipulate him/her, you easily hold yourself from responding in the old ways.

Some people have worked through their negative bonding” patterns without any therapy or professional help, but a majority of people have tried so hard and none of their best efforts have worked in the long run. This is because often the situation is worse than they allow themselves to admit; they are too proud to ask for help; they make a half-attempted effort just until the pain of the break-up is gone.

Working to let go off old patterns of relating is a better alternative to pining for your last love and waiting for your next heart break. None of this is easy, but it is exactly what has to happen. This may be the first time in your life that you’ve regarded yourself truly important and worthy of your own attention and nurturing.

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullnessâ„¢. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.

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I promised my friend and healer, Leo, that I’d write up a testimonial for him on how his 10-day meditation workshop has transformed me and helped me heal. So here it is.

The Meditation Workshop That Changed My Life

I consider myself a living, breathing testimonial to the life-changing benefits of meditation.

Two years ago, my world fell apart when I lost my husband and partner of 18 years to a sudden heart attack. At the age of 35, I was widowed, and rudderless. I lost my focus, my business was suffering, and I found myself unable to open up or trust myself enough to get into a healthy relationship.

Over a year ago, I was introduced to meditation and spirituality by my friend and healer, Leonard Velloz of Holistic Studio, and have been practicing regular meditations to calm my mind and get in touch with my inner feelings.

About two months ago, having decided to take my life firmly in my hands and clear the blocks that were preventing me from gaining focus and achieving my goals, I decided to take Leo’s 10-day meditation course, which included two aura scans, to assess my progress before and after the course.

Leo was very clear that unless I was totally committed to making the effort I needed to change my patterns, he would not even consider working with me. As I’ve often written on this blog, I’m well aware of the fact that all change must come from within.

No person can force another to change, and all therapists and healers only aid and facilitate change in oneself. That is why commitment is crucial for any inner work to be effective.

Before beginning the work, the image of the aura scan showed that my lower chakras were very imbalanced. The before image of my aura scan clearly shows a band of red encircling the heart chakra, signifying anger, rejection and lack of self-forgiveness and self-love, that had manifested in health issues, including an auto-immune condition. The lower chakras were also imbalanced, resulting in self-esteem and security issues.

Over the next ten days, Leo took me through a series of meditations that involved grounding, and clearing the blocks in my chakras. He helped me identify childhood issues that I had not dealt with, and guided me through the psychological and spiritual work required to clear them from my emotional body.

It took a great deal of commitment on my part, especially when dealing with painful issues concerning my family and loved ones, but I give myself credit for putting in the hard work and clearing most of my emotional baggage. As the after aura scan shows, my lower chakras are much more balanced, with more grounding, and opening up of the heart chakra.

I know that healing some issues of the heart will take more time, but after the course, I’ve become very calm, peaceful and contented. This change was clearly seen in the colour of my aura, which went from Indigo (deep inner feelings, inner knowing, intuitive, sensitive) to Blue (communicative, loving, loyal, sensitive, helpful).

According to the site here,

Indigo colored auras usually indicate an advanced soul and part of their soul purpose will be as a healer or teacher. The Indigo generation is known as the “Warrior” generation. They will challenge all old and out-of-date systems that no longer nourish the soul and allow the spirit free expression. The Indigo generation is here to bring in the new age of peace. They will break down the old systems with their warrior spirit, their wisdom and their intuitive, creative ways.

You can read up more on common characteristics of Indigo souls here. I easily relate to most of these characteristics, especially the description of the Indigo warrior spirit, fighting as always, for peace, justice and environmental causes. Empathy for the suffering of others, anger at injustice and stupidity, strong intuitive ability, interest in spirituality, and a loathing for “the system” and superficial people, are all Indigo characteristics I relate to.

People with blue auras are described in the manner below, and in greater depth here (which contains much of the information in the Aura scan report that Leo gave me).

Depth of feeling, devotion, loyalty, trust, desire to communicate. Puts great importance on personal relationships. Empathetic. May be a dreamer or have artistic ability. Possibly tend to put the needs of others before their own and may have the ability to meditate, and live in the moment. Blue may be emotionally sensitive, intuitive, inwardly focused, may enjoy solitude, non-competitive activities, be receptive and desire unity, peace, love and affection in relationships with others. They need a calm and tranquil environment. You’ll find many blue artists, poets, writers, musicians, philosophers, serious students, spiritual seekers, and people looking for truth, justice and beauty in everything.

What really amazed me about Leo’s meditation course was that it didn’t require years of painful, long drawn-out therapy for me to clear issues that existed even from my childhood. Just ten days of powerful, guided meditations have put me firmly on the track to recovery.

Leo was so pleased by my progress, that we decided I was ready to take on more initiations and advance my spiritual growth further. I continue to meditate regularly and grow emotionally and spiritually. Although I do experience moments of stress, I am much more self-aware and mindful of my reactions, and can deal with stress in a much healthier way than I used to.

I’ve also become a better mom, and am more patient, calm and consistent with my daughter. We recently went on vacation in Goa, spent time together, bonding beautifully and enjoying each other’s company.

I feel more balanced and centred, and am no longer as reactive or emotionally volatile as I used to be. I know I have healthier self-esteem, and a great deal of self-love. I’ve always been an introvert, but today, thanks to Leo’s help, I am more appreciative of my strengths, and am learning to trust my intuition to help me make better choices.

I practice affirmations and positive self-talk, and no longer criticise myself the way I used to. I’ve also learned to respect and value myself, honour my feelings, assert myself more, and refuse to settle for less than I deserve, whether in my relationships, or in my business.

I am no longer in a great rush to achieve, but am learning to open up and surrender to Divine Will and a higher guidance. I’ve finally found my life purpose in empowering other women like me, with the skills to overcome life’s obstacles.

In fact, Leo’s course helped me become so focused and confident, that I managed to achieve my goal of starting a series of workshops with the goal to empower women, through my online magazine, Naaree.com.

With Leo’s continuing help, I now intend to learn how to set stronger boundaries, and make better choices in relationships and in life.

Leo may be contacted for meditations and other holistic services at Holistic Studio.

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Problems cannot be solved
at the same level of awareness that created them.
- Albert Einstein

The Law of Attraction teaches that, to change your circumstances, you must change the way you think and feel. To attract something or someone into your life, you must raise your vibrational frequency to match that of the object you desire.

So how DO you raise your vibration? Simply by choosing experiences that raise your emotional set point, or as the teachers call it, following your bliss. As Sherry Binkelman explains in her article, Raising Your Vibration,

The influences upon which we focus our attention or thoughts are those that determine or define our vibration. Negative vibrations are associated with the lower chakras, with what we consider to be “negative” emotions or feelings, including hatred, anger, doubt, fear (of loss, lack, failure) jealousy, envy, judgment, (both judgment of others and self-judgment) impatience, disharmony, imbalance, insecurity. Positive vibrations are those such as love, harmony, peace, balance, kindness, understanding, compassion. Our vibration attracts to us experiences of like vibration, and also attracts to us people who are of the same vibrational frequency.

Many LOA books, including the ones by Abraham-Hicks, offer processes (22, no less) to raise your vibration to one of optimism and joy, at which point you start to manifest your desires.

It’s really not as complicated as it seems. Instinctively, we all know what we need to feel good. But, blissing out doesn’t mean using drugs, alcohol or prescription meds as uppers. That’s just a way of avoiding your issues, and will ultimately land you in rehab.

Following your bliss is about CHOOSING to be happy, choosing to be in a state of joy and love, as much as possible. It’s about doing work that you’re passionate about, being with people who help you grow and thrive, and choosing experiences that take you to a higher place.

Here’s a list of my personal favourite ways to raise my vibration. Perhaps you can relate to some of them, too.

1. Solitude: This is essential for me, because as an introvert, highly sensitive person, empath, being around people for too long drains me and makes me very crabby. I really need my space, and my time alone helps me recharge my batteries.

2. Reading a good book: As a child, my only escape from the reality of my unhappy existence was to create a fantasy world (helped a great deal by the creations of Enid Blyton, Richmal Crompton, Hans Christian Anderson, the Grimm brothers and Robert Louis Stevenson) of heroes, pirates, detectives and dragon-slayers. I spent my entire childhood daydreaming and visualising - valuable skills that I now make full use of, since they work so well in manifestation. In recent times, I’ve become a fan of audiobooks, as well, because they help me absorb information much faster. Besides providing fodder for my fertile imagination, books have introduced me to the thoughts and ideas of great men and women, and helped me learn many lessons without having to experience them for myself.

3. Meditation, Affirmations, Energy work: The reason I talk about these methods so much is because my life changed a great deal since I started using them. They helped me tune into my emotional guidance system, and my inner guidance, and start making better choices based on my intuition. I use meditation everyday for grounding and clearing my energy, and affirmations to keep my thoughts happy and positive. I just completed a meditation course with my healer, Leo, and we worked on a lot of issues, cleared up a lot of emotional baggage. And it didn’t take years of painful therapy, just 10-sessions of Leo’s powerful healing techniques (will write more about them soon). Meditation and other energy work, like Reiki (I just completed the second level), have helped me heal emotional blocks and childhood scars, which prevented me from attracting the things I desire into my life.

4. Music: Born in a family of musicians, jazz, blues and classical music on the old 48 rpm were a staple diet in our home. One of my favourite memories is of my Grandpa, Martin, entertaining us with his old ragtime numbers on our piano. Another fun family outing was visiting the theatre (we didn’t have DVDs back then) to see a Hollywood musical. I still enjoy musicals and Disney movies. Music can make me smile, laugh, even cry (though I avoid that as much as possible). It’s something I can plug into anytime, anywhere. Definitely one of my best uppers.

5. Dancing: If you’re Goan (or married to one), you can’t escape the old Latin numbers, the waltzes, the cha-chas, and the Mexican shuffle that’s a must at every wedding. Is it any wonder that Goans are happy people? In fact, I love dancing so much, I took a salsa class, and every so often, put on a CD of Latin music, or J. Lo, and groove to the beat with complete abandon. Next on my list are belly dancing and flamenco classes.

6. Exercise: This is one thing I really need to get more of. There’s nothing like a good workout, whether it involves aerobics, yoga or, my personal favourite, Tai Chi, to boost my mood. Endorphins apart, just getting off my ass and stretching my muscles can raise my vibration a few notches.

7. Laughter: I believe that laughter is one of the most spiritual things in the world. A good belly laugh makes you forget all your woes, and lifts your vibration like nothing else. Reading silly jokes forwarded by email, listening to funny stories, watching reruns of Mr. Bean, Friends, Will and Grace, Frasier, and of course, a little Leno, is a great way to wrap up the day with happy feelings.

8. A good movie: Barring horror movies, the sad ones (like Mira Nair’s Water, which, though great cinema, was horribly depressing) and the gruesome ones, I can enjoy a good movie anytime, anywhere. I loved The Pursuit of Happyness, because it ended on a happy note (even though I used up a whole tissue in the first half). I could actually feel the energy rise in the theatre when the main protagonist achieves his goal after so much hardship. I thoroughly enjoyed Dreamgirls and Shall We Dance, for the music and dance. I especially enjoy fantasy, like Bridge To Terabithia, which I must say, made a remarkably strong case for using your imagination to create your own reality. I make it a point to go see a movie (or catch one on the telly) at least once a week. It gives me a good feeling that lasts for days on end. Here’s a little something for you. Download this feel-good (and free) movie, The Secret To You, and watch it daily. It’s slickly produced, a delight to watch and will raise your vibration instantly. You’ll find more free stuff for good vibes here.

9. A long, hot bath: Who doesn’t love a long, hot bath? That must be, like, a universal upper. Just give me a tub, hot water, and some bubble bath, and I’m in heaven.

10. Getting a massage: My favourite way (though a bit expensive, at Rs 800 a pop for an experienced masseuse) to de-stress and relax. Having someone knead my tired muscles is instant bliss.

11. Being a mom: My little girl really IS the best upper a mom could ever have (when she isn’t testing my patience, that is). Watching her grow, admiring her sweet face when she’s sleeping (or is that my relief showing?), taking her on a holiday for two, listening to her child-like wisdom, sharing her joy when she learns a new tune on the piano, gets a certificate for academic achievement, or a new Barbie or game - these are some of the most memorable moments of my life. It reminds me of a line from the movie Hitch, where Will Smith’s character says, Life is not how many breaths you take, it’s how many moments take your breath away.

12. Being with people I love: I’m the kind of person who has very few close friends, some whom I’ve known since my college days. But they’re very special to me, and I make it a point to maintain these friendships, and spend quality time in the company of these special people who nurture me.

13. Watching a sunset: In a concrete jungle like Mumbai, there’s really very little of Mother Nature left to commune with. Watching the sunset at Marine Drive is the closest someone like me can get to enjoy the glory of Creation. Unless, of course, I’m holidaying in Goa.

14. Being creative: Expressing your creativity is a wonderful way of raising your vibration. Creative expression, whether in the form of art, writing, sculpture, pottery, design, or even being more creative in the workplace, is very therapeutic because it puts us in alignment with our desires. My favourite way of expressing my creativity are, writing this blog, creating new websites, and coming up with new ideas to promote them.

15. Making someone smile: Nothing compares to that wonderful feeling of joy, when you know you’ve made a difference in someone’s life. It’s then that you know your life has meaning, and that you’re in alignment with your life purpose. I’m lucky to have been blessed with many such moments, and thank the Creator for all of them.

16. Gratitude: Being thankful reminds me of another of my favourite ways to raise my vibration - and one recommended by all the LOA teachers. Spending some time everyday, appreciating and being grateful for the abundance €œ of love, wealth and joy €œ in my life, and realising how privileged I am to have all these things, never fails to bring me joy. In all my dealings with people, there are two phrases that I make it a point to use as often as possible. They are Please and Thank you. No matter how tiny the gesture, I try never to take people and their generosity for granted. And trust that they will accord me the same treatment.

17. Being good to myself: LOA teachers all agree that self-love is the first step to raising your vibe. You can’t attract anything good unless you feel good about yourself. There was a time in my life when I engaged in negative self-talk, was very harsh on myself, and put everyone else’s feelings before my own. I had a hard time saying no and allowed people to take advantage of my generosity. Today, I take care of my feelings, am learning to set stronger boundaries, say No when I need to, and love and accept myself the way I am. As Sherry explains, Loving oneself is a wonderful way to raise one’s vibration, because each thought or act of self love sends out a vibration of love to the Universe, adding to the Light.

18. Making love: Oooh yeah!

So how many of these did you relate to? And which methods do you use to raise your vibration? Do share, so we can all benefit from your experience.

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