Soul Kadee

How many of us are looking for a man to make us feel good about ourselves? We think, As soon as I get a man, I’ll be happy; my life will be perfect.

This attitude reminds me of a quote: Half a woman will attract half a man. In other words, a woman who feels incomplete or inadequate will attract a man who is equally incomplete or inadequate.

Contrary to popular belief, relationships are not 50-50 propositions. We should enter into relationships as whole beings prepared to give (and receive) 100 percent.

So what does it mean to be whole? For starters, it doesn’t mean being perfect. Wholeness is a state of being. We reach this stage in life when we are no longer looking for someone or something to complete us.

We’re whole once we realize we already possess everything we want or need on the inside of us. We come into a conscious awareness that there is no lack in our lives. We recognize that we are complete and no one can add to or take way anything from our life. In our wholeness, we know that our life is what we make it.

Therefore, a whole and complete woman doesn’t depend on others to make her feel good about herself. She doesn’t seek validation from others. Her sense of purpose, well-being and identity doesn’t come from anything outside of herself, including a relationship.

She is content with her life. She truly loves herself and manifests joy and happiness she desires. She doesn’t expect others to make her feel that way.

When you’re whole, you never say, I’ll be happy when I have a man. Instead you say, Yes, I want a relationship. Even though I don’t have one right now, I will enjoy and love myself in this moment.

The people we attract to our lives are a reflection of who we are. So if you want someone who will love and honor you, you must first love and honor yourself. A joyful, loving, healthy relationship begins with you.

Rosslyn Champ is a poet, author and teacher. She is the founder of http://liveloveandprosper.com Her personal development site offers a variety of articles, booklets and other resources that provide a holistic, common sense approach to helping people achieve success in all areas of life.

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We humans love to label stuff. Perhaps we do this to understand our environment and ourselves better. In some fields, like biology, labels and classifications work, because they are based on a reductionistic approach and view life-forms as separate.

Most life-forms don’t care about being labelled. It doesn’t make a difference to them whether they’re called cephalopods or arthropods. But for humans, being labelled is judgmental and a display of prejudice.

Here are just a few of ways we use labels for ourselves and our fellow humans:

• Race (African, Asian, Caucasian)
• Religion (Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew)
• Country (Indian, Pakistani, British, American)
• Cultural (Eastern, Western)
• Gender (Male, Female)
• Skin colour (Fair, dark, white, black, brown)
• Looks (beautiful, ugly, plain)
• Body type (tall, short, thin, fat, obese)
• Income (rich, poor, upper class, lower class)
• Intelligence (genius, average, retard)
• Personality (Type A/B, depressed, borderline, psychotic, schizoid, ADHD)
• Profession (lawyer, accountant, doctor, writer, singer, actor)
• Marital status (married, single, divorced, widowed)

Psychologists and marketers love this sort of segmentation, because it helps them serve their clients in more effective ways.

The question I want to ask is - exactly how does it help to label ourselves according to the definitions above? Do we need a label in order to identify with the human race? Aren’t we doing ourselves and others an injustice when we label people we interact with?

The labels above are the more benign ones we use everyday. But labelling imposes huge limitations on us, especially when we learn them during our impressionable years (early childhood and our teenage years).

Labels such as kaali (dark) or “stupid”, or beliefs that the boy-child is more precious than the girl-child, have scarred the self-image of many innocent children, creating self-hate and insecurity as adults.

If you must label a child, do it in a positive way. Teach her to accept herself, show her that she is beautiful, and point out the features that make her unique and special.

As babies, we are born pure and untouched by prejudice. We learn segregation, racism, communalism, colour-consciousness, and other such bigoted views from our parents, community and society. We learn to react to the physicalities and personalities of others, rather than respond to their souls.

The soul knows no labels. It is neither male not female, black nor white. It has no race or religion. It is pure Spirit and knows it is one with the Universe. It is at a level where there are no distinctions or separate identities.

Labels, like the ones above, are imposed by the Ego (Personality). But at the level of the Higher Self (Soul), we are all the same, and there is no use for labels.

As evolving beings, we must learn to see each other at the soul level. And we can only do that when we learn to act from our Higher Self, when we treat ourselves and our fellow humans (since, on the soul level, we are all one) with compassion and acceptance.

But what of those who try to harm us?

Do not try to change them. Realise that they are only acting from their own fear and pain. Setting boundaries is a way of showing compassion and refusing to take on the pain of others. Everyone has their lessons to learn. When we take on the task of changing others, we are not doing them a favour, because they will never learn their lessons.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Tolerance is something that has been sold to Indians for ages, under the guise of secularism. But tolerance is just suppressed resentment. And resentment is bound to erupt in hate at some point.

It is not tolerance, but acceptance we have to work towards. Acceptance based on the knowledge that we are not separate beings, but different parts of the same being. Non-acceptance of each other stems from non-acceptance of our self, and fear of our dark side.

Nowadays, when I notice myself being judgmental of others, I take a step back and look inside myself to see which part of me I am refusing to accept. I then make peace with that part of me, and learn to be compassionate with my own flaws.

From unconditional self-acceptance comes healing, and compassion and acceptance for others.

When we refuse to label ourselves as fat or thin, pretty or ugly, dark or fair, we will learn to see our true inner beauty. And, since our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world, the beauty within will be reflected in our lives and in our world.

Recommended Reading:

Unconditional Self Acceptance

I am a great fan of Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher and author. In this audiobook she uses various guided meditations, exercises and reflections to help the listener get in touch with their deepest self and get a better understanding of their conditioned responses while learning self compassion.

Some of her other books that touch upon this subject are

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline

We are conditioned to think that if we were only a little better in some way, we would be happy. But, Huber says, no amount of self-punishment will ever make us happy or bring us control over life’s problems. The help we are looking for is really found in self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Compassionate self-discipline € the will to take positive steps in life € is found through nothing other than being present.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.

Transcendent Beauty: It Begins with a Single Choice…to Be!

I am currently reading this book authored by Crystal Andrus - a woman who is beautiful, both inside and out. She shows us that while most people talk about attractiveness as being merely physical, true beauty definitely comes from the soul. She teaches you to let your inner beauty shine by becoming comfortable with who you are and taming your ego - that critical, fearful voice in your head.

See a selection of resources on Inner Child Healing

Popularity: 96% [?]

Iris at My Nirvana! just tagged me for the Thinking Bloggers Award. Thanks, Iris. Love your blog too. I’ll tag my favourite Thinking Bloggers at the end of this post.

In the last issue of Naaree.com, I wrote that I believe feminism has done women a dis-service by making them believe that they need to compete with men.

There are essentially two ways people view the role of women in society:

Traditionalists: Those who believe that women should go back to their traditional roles at home and stop trying to compete with men in the workplace. Thankfully, these are a dying breed - even in India.

Liberals: Those who believe that women can, and should, compete with men and hold their own in all spheres of life. They seem harmless, but this view can actually be quite damaging.

Here’s why. The problem with these extreme viewpoints is that they are both unfair to women, because neither takes into account what women really want.

The first (traditional) viewpoint denies a woman’s aspirations and desire to express herself creatively in a profession, contribute to society and - in the absence of a male provider - fend for herself and her children.

The second (liberal) viewpoint denies a woman’s innate biological need and desire to nuture a family, have children, and express her creativity in a manner that feels natural to her (cooking, taking care of a home, and all the stuff that makes people like Martha Stewart pots of money).

These extremes also don’t take into account the fact that men have changed too. They no longer want to be desired solely for their earning capability. Most men don’t want women who are golddiggers, and actually PREFER a woman who is able to take care of herself financially.

And why shouldn’t they? After all, men deserve to be loved for who they are, don’t they?

Being Feminine At Work

One of the reasons why there are so few women at the top, in most professions, is not because men don’t allow them to grow, but because most women simply don’t WANT that. We know that being at the top of one’s profession involves a great deal of commitment, dedication and more importantly, SACRIFICE.

I’m one of those women who knew that being a good mother was very important to me (perhaps because my own mom worked full-time and hardly spent any time with us). At the same time, I wanted to use my intelligence and my talent, to express myself creatively and be of service to others.

As long as my husband had a steady job, I kept myself occupied with freelance writing until our baby girl was born. When he was out of a job for a few years, however, I decided I had to make a living and started a business I could manage from home.

At no point did I wish to join the corporate rat race. As a sensitive person, the aggression and competitiveness put me off. I made a conscious choice to work from home because I knew that if I really wanted to, I could find a way. I now make a decent income and find great fulfilment in my internet publishing business.

More than anything, women want to achieve BALANCE in all spheres of life. The price of ambition - sacrificing a healthy family life - is often more than we are willing to pay. And why should we?

Today, women are finding fulfilment in a range of professions, and organisations are more flexible and understanding in working out solutions, including part-time and flexitime work hours, that will keep women on the payroll.

Whether she works from home or commutes to work, each woman needs to find the sort of work that fulfils her.

Being Feminine In Relationships

Our confusion over the roles we play, is even more obvious in the dysfunction that has pervaded our intimate relationships.

Women who adopt the traditional lifestyle, and behave in a dependent and passive manner, put themselves in danger of getting into abusive, exploitative relationships.

On the other hand, women who project themselves as strong and independent, tend to be too aggressive and overfunction in relationships. Aggressive women make a man feel emasculated, and they often find they cannot attract and keep a good man for long.

Books like “The Rules“, which struck a chord with desperate American women, and which feminists viewed as regressive, are the outcome of our confusion, as we struggle to balance our femininity, while holding our own in our relationships with men.

A New Way Of Functioning

It’s time for a new paradigm. One that allows a woman to be a complete, self-actualised person, and yet be capable of letting a man express his masculinity, give to her, and protect his family.

Coach Rori’s ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, taught me that all it takes to achieve this is a simple change in mindset - that of learning to express your feminine energy in a relationship.

We can’t escape our biology, which dictates that for a man to feel attraction for a woman, he has to feel that she needs him (even if it’s only to fix something around the house). A man needs to know that he has something to offer his woman.

Women, for their part, must learn to stop overfunctioning, to lean back, and learn to RECEIVE - a skill that the strong, independent, action-oriented woman has to learn all over again.

The surprising thing is that overfunctioning comes, not from strength, but from fear and a feeling of inadequacy. We overfunction when we feel that we are not enough, that we do not deserve to be loved for who we are, but for what we can can offer a man.

When we “act” strong and independent, we’re actually reacting to a fear of dependence. Women who are truly strong and independent never have to “act” that way. They know their worth, and trust themselves enough to know that they can receive without losing themselves in a relationship.

Leaning back, and allowing yourself to receive from a man, is not about being dependent. It’s about learning to value yourself, and realising that you are desirable, not for what you can give him, but just because you’re a woman.

I’ve been in both places - dependent and independent. In my marriage with my late husband, overfunctioning wasn’t an issue. With him I was very feminine, dependent even - the kind who couldn’t change a lightbulb or kill a bug.

Most of the time, he loved doing things for me. I realised that it made him feel needed and allowed him to express his masculinity. But there is such a thing as being too dependent on a man. For me, independence was something I had to LEARN.

I realised this when, after being widowed, I began to attract men who were extremely masculine and controlling, or exploitative and narcissistic. And in those relationships, I was often the codependent, passive, giving woman - the kind who found it hard to say “no” to anything, even things I was not comfortable with.

Once I realised my mistake, I began learning how to assert myself and set stronger boundaries. I learned that, as long as I express myself in a caring and non-agressive way, being assertive does not make me masculine.

Interdependence Is The Key

Relationships between men and women are not about competition. We need to learn how to COMPLEMENT each other and bring out the best in each other.

Healthy relationships are those where both partners are neither too dependent, nor too independent, but inter-dependent. It’s all about keeping a balance between -

- Work and family
- Giving and receiving
- Masculine and feminine
- Yin and yang

If being a feminine woman in today’s world sometimes feels like walking a tightrope, that’s because it IS. But, there’s no one better equipped than a woman to handle a balancing act like that!

Recommended Reading:

The ebooks here have transformed the way I look at relationships and how I communicate with men.

Have The Relationship You Want: A Womans Guide To Transforming Your Love Life Practically Overnight!
Learn how to get more love, romance, and a deeper emotional connection with a man. Relationship coach Rori Gwynne teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her now-glorious, decades long marriage around

The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave
Learn how to communicate with your man and express yourself in a feminine manner. This book will give you the insights that will change your relationships with men forever.

As I promised, here are my personal favourite Thinking Bloggers.

1. Atanu Dey (I love his focus on the India we rarely read about)
2. Robin Sharma (lots of great personal development tips and an awesome podcast too)
3. Steve Pavlina (another great personal development blog with long posts - sometimes rationalises too much)
4. Aaron Potts (loads of great stuff on self-improvement, manifestation, LOA and more)
5. Jennifer (very interesting posts about men, women, relationships, and life in general)

The Thinking Blogger Award rules: This award was started here. You have to award five others whose blog you think deserve this award. Please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.

The participation rules:
If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all € blogs that really get you thinking!

Popularity: 100% [?]

I’m a big believer in energy medicine, and have been using meditation and reiki for the last year, to heal myself in mind, body and spirit. In my desire to treat my body as my temple, I eliminated, from my diet, foods that I believed were not good for me. I programmed my mind so strongly against junk food, that my body now rejects it.

In the last year, I lost over 25 pounds of extra flab. Meditation, inner work, and a healthier diet helped a great deal. But the main reason I lost that load rather easily (with little or no exercise) was because I decided that the weight no longer served me.

We women don’t realise how much of our weight gain is emotional. And I don’t mean only because of overeating (although that does affect many women), because I’m a rather poor eater.

People tend to put on weight when they’re stressed, depressed or ill. With women especially, low self-esteem tends to lead to a vicious cycle where we put on weight, stop caring about the way we look, which causes us to put on even more weight.

Fact is, when you’re stressed out, perhaps suffering from low self-esteem, or have a lot of negativity in your life, your body goes into starvation-mode and tends to store weight. For sensitive people, fat actually acts as a buffer against negative energy.

Intuitive healer, Judith Orloff, M.D, explains the energetic premise of obesity, in her book, “Positive Energy: Ten Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear Into Vibrance, Strength, and Love“.

One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don’t factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surrounds the body.

Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies.

Here’s the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin, they have less padding and are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth-century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient’s symptoms — a common trap I’ve seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device.

Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath’s hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed, it’s important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating.

Although I don’t eat to ground myself, my body still tended to store fat when I was stressed out or depressed. Once I learned how to use meditation to ground myself, the fat fell away easily.

Find Your “Why” And The “How” Will Follow

I come from a family that encouraged music, rather than athletics. Except for the occasional stint in the gym, I never took physical fitness seriously. Over the years, I tried a few ignorant and misguided attempts at working out. One of those ended in collapse from over training, so I was very wary of starting any new workout program.

Besides, I loved my curves and had no desire to look like a skinny supermodel. But, accepting your body is one thing. Denying your poor health is another. The emotional and health challenges of the last few years had taken their toll on my body, and I found it difficult to build chi, beyond a point, for the purpose of healing.

Building chi energy requires muscle strength and excellent blood circulation. As a healer and lightworker, my less-than-adequate fitness levels were an obstacle to my spiritual growth. Also, as a woman over 35, I knew that I would soon start losing lean muscle and bone mass, if I didn’t take steps to preserve it. To boost my healing abilities, and preserve my quality of life, I simply had to get serious about my fitness goals.

I read that the best way to build strength is with weights or resistance training. So, I began my education in fitness and strength training with Jon Benson’s Fit Over 40, an inspiring ebook that features a number of amazing role models who overcame disability, age, and other serious health challenges, to achieve levels of fitness most of us can only dream of.

Especially awe-inspiring was the story of a 77-year old grandmother, who also happens to be a champion bodybuilder!

Bodybuilding And The Law of Attraction

Personally, I have no intention of participating in bodybuilding contests, but I did realise, that bodybuilders are actually some of the best role models for manifesting abundance.

Not only are they highly focused and motivated, they are also familiar with many techniques (including creative visualisation), taught by spiritual gurus and Law of Attraction teachers, to achieve their dream bodies. My favourite fitness gurus are Tom Venuto, Jon Benson and Will Brink.

I learned a lot about manifestation from Jon’s Fit Over 40 book, where he describes very creative ways to use visualisation to manifest goals. Jon talks about the need to get rid of limiting beliefs, and heal the spirit before we can heal our bodies. He recently started the M-Power Inner Circle to help people achieve the life of their dreams.

I don’t believe we can consider physical fitness in isolation from financial, emotional or spiritual fitness. A healthy mind, healthy body, healthy finances, and a healthy spirit are like spokes in the wheel of abundance. If either one of these spokes is weak, the wheel is in danger of collapsing.

Why Vijay Mallya Is NOT The “Richard Branson Of India”

Like Jon, I believe that a person who is deficient in even one of these areas is not truly a success and is not expressing her full potential. That’s why it irritates me to hear Indians comparing Dr. Vijay Mallya with Sir Richard Branson. Sure, Dr. Mallya, has the wealth, the flamboyance and the lifestyle. But you only have to take one look at him to see that, physically, the man is a wreck.

I believe overall fitness levels are a good indicator of a person’s emotional set-point. You know something is not quite right, when a person who can afford to employ the world’s best fitness professionals, doesn’t care enough to take care of his own body.

For me, Dr. Mallya is simply not a patch on the athletic Sir Branson. I have nothing against Dr. Mallya personally, but a role model for success, he is not!

You are only given one body. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. A month ago, I didn’t even know what a Rep was. Today I work out in the gym thrice a week, and on other days practice T’ai Chi and Pilates. If I can’t work out for a day or so, I really miss the endorphins. Believe me, they can be pretty addictive.

Resources: Free bodybuilding and weight loss ebooks

Popularity: 100% [?]

Since I started on my path of personal and spiritual growth over a year ago, my life has changed in so many ways. I’ve been transformed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I learned new ways of thinking, feeling and being that I never had access to earlier.

As I started treating my body as my temple, I became more sensitive to the messages it sent me about what I ate and how I exercised. I lost the desire to eat many of the foods I used to enjoy. I found myself unable to tolerate junk food €œ which meant no more KFC or McDonalds - and became intolerant to anything cooked with too much spice or oil.

I eliminated coffee, red meat and alcohol from my diet. I still enjoy my tea and the occasional need to indulge my sweet tooth, but my diet now largely consists of fruit, cereals and eggs.

As I responded to my body’s needs, it reciprocated by losing all the pounds I’d piled on after pregnancy, and I regained my health and energy levels. On an emotional level, I dealt with insecurities, fear, grief, anger, and worked through many issues that were holding me back.

A lot of physical issues, like weight gain and skin conditions, resolved themselves once I got rid of my emotional baggage. It just proved to me how deeply connected our emotions are to physical dis-ease, a fact which Louise Hay explains so well in her book, Heal Your Body.

On a spiritual level, I learned to raise my vibration, to heal myself, and others. As I began to listen to messages from my inner self, my insights and intuition improved. I learned mindfulness, self-love and self-acceptance. Loneliness ceased to be an issue when I learned to cultivate a strong connection with myself, and the Divine.

At the risk of being labelled eccentric, I no longer think it selfish or unnatural when I prefer my own company - or that of a few good friends - over the mindless socialising that others seem to enjoy. I prefer solitary, mind-enhancing pursuits, like reading a good book or watching a movie or meditating, to hanging out in noisy places, like pubs or discos.

I feel calmer and more at peace with myself today. I’m learning now to align with my higher self, and respond from love, rather than fear and ego. I don’t expect life to be smooth, but know my new perspective will help me handle anything it throws at me with grace and optimism.

Despite it’s considerable benefits, the path of growth was often scary, and not always smooth and painless. In order to grow, we have to let go of things, and people, that have comforted and given us security all our lives.

We have to step out of our comfort zones, face our fears, take risks, try new things and follow our heart, even when those closest to us are unable to support or believe in us. To reach where I am today, I had to let go of a lot of things that no longer served me €œ old beliefs, values, lifestyles and relationships.

Discomfort with old ways of being, is part of the process of spiritual growth, explains Faith Lynella in her ebook, Aspirin for the Spiritual Hangover. She writes

Each leap up the vibration scale brings access to that level’s priorities and worldview. When your vibration rate increases, it’s harder to relate to the frequency you left behind - its people, interests, and beliefs. You have less and less in common with them.

As people vibrate at a higher level, they attract different people and circumstances to them. Those relationships out of alignment fall away. The basis for relationships will be defined by each person’s energy levels.

I found that sometimes old habits fell away easily and relationships ended painlessly. At other times, it was much harder and I had to make a conscious effort to let go. Often, my fears took me two steps forward and one step back. But I came to realise that, in order to gain something new, you have to let go of the old. That’s the way the universe works.

The key to surviving my spiritual hangover was learning new skills and attitudes, like acceptance of the process, and learning to let go of control and resistance. Surrender doesn’t come easy to a control freak like me, and I resisted change many times €œ with painful consequences.

It’s not all gloomy, however, because as you raise your vibration and let go of things that no longer serve you, you also begin to attract into your life people and circumstances that support the New You.

And, like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly, once you’ve reached a higher plane of existence, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to go back to where you came from.

Popularity: 62% [?]

Women often tend to ignore their own financial well-being, allowing the men in their lives - fathers, husbands or brothers - to take decisions for them. It’s ok to turn to more informed people for financial advice, but neglecting to understand your financial rights and options can get you in a big mess.

When I found myself single again, I was forced to start taking decisions that, until then, I had left to my late husband. Since he passed away suddenly and neglected to take out an insurance policy, I had to take that decision immediately, for the sake of my little daughter’s future.

The burden of handling property and legal matters fell to me, and though I handled it well, I wish I’d taken more interest in such things when my husband was alive. Drawing from my own experience, the focus of the current issue of Naaree.com is on Property Rights for women, the topic of a seminar held recently in Mumbai.

We also carry features on Insurance and Investments for Indian women, besides our usual columns on dating, diet and wellness.

Check out the new articles on Naaree.com below:

Property Rights and Women
According to the amended Hindu Succession Act women have equal rights in parental property. Despite this, women are still denied their propery rights in modern India, reports Pallavi Bhattacharya.

Insurance Options For Indian Women
Whether it is life, health or property, as women, we tend to rely on others to make these judgments for us. But insurance is and essential tool to secure a financially happy future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Investment Tools For Women
While more and more women are pursuing high powered careers and becoming an inherent and valuable part of workforce, few, however, are aware of how to make themselves financially secure. Kinnary Nensee shows you how the right investments can make all the difference.

Domestic Violence (Physical and Emotional Abuse): Questions to Ask
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Tolerating Abuse: How Much Is Enough?
It seems that for the average Indian family izzat is more important than a daughter. How much can we take and what is our limit when it comes to abuse, asks Khushboo Aulakh.

Tai Chi For Women
Relaxation, mood stabilising, weight loss, age control and self-defence - an adept Tai Chi practitioner can develop all of them. And aren’t these the very things every woman wants to acquire? Tai Chi, an internal martial art developed on thousands of years of Chinese history and culture is now taught and practised in India.

Dating Dish: Why ‘Perfect’ Men Are Dangerous
It’s human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, the only way that a *real* relationship can emerge is by giving it time to develop in a healthy way, advises our dating coach, Paige Parker.

Dark Circles Puffy Eyes: Easy Natural Remedies
Dark circles and puffy eyes are one of the most frequently asked how-to-cure skin care related questions. Our beauty columnist, Angela Purcell, author of Magical Skincare Kingdom, recommends natural ways you can dramatically reduce, if not eliminate them.

Grab the Wheel: How to Get in the Driving Seat of Your Life
Are you truly in the driving seat of your life, or are you carting around a back-seat driver, or a mini-bus load of little voices with big desires? If there’s someone reaching over to turn your wheel it may be time to get assertive about what you want in your life and where you want to go.

Happy reading!

Popularity: 44% [?]

I really loved this article by Samantha Stevens. It made me laugh and brought home a few truths about the stupid beliefs we new-agers sometimes have about the people we call “soulmates.”

Lately, I think people are investing too much energy in the idea that they “must find their soulmate.” Where do we get this idea that we are somehow not complete unless we are connected to another person? What are you? An electrical outlet waiting for a plug, so you can finally light up the world?

Frankly, when I hear the word “soulmate” I tend to give a little shudder, especially when I think about some of the people in my past that I have considered to be my soulmates. Quite frankly, most of my soulmates were idiots! The Buddha would say that they were also my teachers — people I have known in a previous life time who have come back in this lifetime to teach me a lesson.

Boy did they, but unfortunately, it sometimes takes several soul mates to teach us just one lesson. (Hint, hint — I think the lesson is supposed to be about “letting go” and stop trying to control, or own people — a common problem in this society.)

Most people think that they have found their soulmate just because they feel a strong connection to a person. Unfortunately, that connection may not have anything to do with spirituality at all. It is amazing how lust can convince us that we are spiritually connected to a person. The person may just seem familiar, because they remind you of an ex boyfriend, a parent, or even someone who molested you as a child.

I also hate the way the term soulmate is often used by people as an excuse to stay in a relationship where they are clearly being abused …half the time the abuser is using the concept of the soulmate as blackmail: “but you have to take this crap from me! You’re beholden to me. I knew you in another life!”

You can tell your soulmate is an idiot, if he left you eight months ago and you feel like he is still hanging around in your aura, or even worse, visiting you in dreams, or plaguing you with unwanted thoughts like “this was really all your fault, you know.” Time to evict this tenant from your cosmic field.

When it comes to soulmates, I subscribe to Oprah’s theory “that everybody is your soul mate.” In theory, you don’t have to have sex with every soul mate you meet — a soul mate can also be a child, a relative, a co-worker or even just a good friend.

One of the hazards of getting involved sexually and emotionally with someone who we believe was sent to us by God, or who we think was sent to us as “an angel on earth” is that we often become over attached to them and have trouble severing the connection.

Notice how anyone you’ve gotten rid off doesn’t qualify as a soulmate… but anyone who dumped you automatically ALWAYS makes the grade … ironically, you hear most people describe the last person who dumped them as their one and only soulmate.

If they were such a great soulmate, then why didn’t they stick around to build a future with you? Oh right, your soulmate was an idiot, too. It’s O.K. to admit your soulmate is an idiot, by the way. It makes the angels laugh …

Forget meditation. There’s nothing that dissolves bad karma faster than a bit of humour.

Samantha Steven’s articles have been published in many high-standing newspapers and she has published several books. If you wish to buy Samantha’s books about metaphysics click here http://www.insomniacpress.com/author.php?id=110 You can meet Samantha Stevens at http://www.psychicrealm.com where she works as a professional psychic. You can also read more of her articles at http://www.newagenotebook.com

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Way before Cinderella, and her wimpy ilk, waited for a prince to rescue them from their misery, women have been looking to a man to make them happy.

Indian culture (and Bollywood movies) also perpetuated the Pati-Parmeshwar myth - that a woman should look up to her husband as “God”.

Sati (widow burning) - a perversion of the scriptures, banned by law many decades ago - was the outcome of the belief that a woman cannot have an existence, or an identity, without her husband.

Out Of The Dark Ages? Not Yet…

It’s true that, in ancient times, a woman’s survival depended on her ability to attract a man who would provide for her. Today, however, women have many more options.

We no longer live in the dark ages, but thousands of years of evolution and cultural conditioning are proving difficult to eliminate overnight.

So, even in this enlightened day and age, you’ll find women all over the globe, who are desperate to find a man to “complete” them, and provide for them.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a mate, someone you can spend a lifetime with. It can be wonderful to have someone to love, hold and cherish.

The problem arises when you start depending on your mate to help you heal your childhood wounds, and make you happy or whole. That’s your therapist/healer’s job, not his.

No one but you, has the power to make you happy. When you give that power over to someone else, when you look outside of yourself for love and acceptance, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

As How To Have a Healthy Relationship notes,

Do not expect anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. Being happy is your own job and you are the only person that can do it. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way.

The truth is that no one has the ability to make another person happy, but often we can share in another’s happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.

Expecting too much from your mate, and making him responsible for your happiness, is destructive to your relationship. Not even a saint can live up to that sort of expectation.

Sacrifice Is Not The Solution

Beware, if your man actually wants that you depend on him for everything, and urges you to give up your interests, hobbies or career to take care of him and his needs (like Kay Kay Menon’s character in Life In A Metro, a must-watch movie).

These men are usually extremely insecure, and afraid of women who are strong, independent, and likely to leave them if they behave badly.

Every woman deserves to have a fulfilling life of her own, and an identity beyond being a housewife and mother.

When you give up things that fulfil you and nurture your spirit, for someone else’s demands (like Shilpa Shetty’s character in the same movie), you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, frustration, disillusionment and disappointment.

A healthy relationship is based on compromise, not sacrifice. Women who choose to sacrifice their happiness for others usually end up as bitter, negative and nagging.

Choosing to take responsibility for your own needs will not only take the pressure off your relationship, but help you realise your self-worth as a person.

What If He’s Abusive?

But what about an abusive relationship, you ask? Isn’t he the one who’s perpetrating the abuse and making you unhappy?

Yes, but, in a relationship between two adults, the only reason he can do that to you is because you LET him. As a grown woman, you’re an intelligent, thinking human being, with the power to make your own choices.

If, at the first instance of abuse, you don’t walk out, or report an abusive man to the authorities, you’re teaching him that you’ll stay with him and tolerate his behaviour, no matter how he treats you or makes you feel.

Learning To Love Yourself

If you allow anyone to overstep your boundaries, or refuse to set limits to what you will tolerate, you’re showing them that you don’t love or respect yourself enough to leave the relationship.

Some women complain that they give a lot, and do a lot for others, but no one does anything for them. These women are usually codependents, people pleasers who depend on other people’s appreciation for their self-esteem.

They don’t realise that people only treat you the way you treat yourself. So, if you don’t respect yourself and allow yourself to be a doormat, that’s exactly how others in your life will treat you.

Choosing To Be Miserable

It takes just as much energy to decide to be happy as it does to be miserable. So why do so many women choose the latter?

After listening to many women complain about their lives, and what their men did to them, I realised that the payoff they get from remaining in their situation, is being able to complain and be a victim.

Many women have invested so much of their lives in playing the victim, that they have no reason to leave a bad relationship, because they’d no longer get the attention and sympathy they get by staying miserable.

And since misery loves company, you’ll often find these women with negative attitudes, sitting together, bitching about women who chose to put their own happiness first.

What Women Can Learn From Men

One of the things I respect about men, is that they refuse to complain about their problems. Complaining in a man is seen as a sign of weakness.

You’ll rarely find men venting about their problems to their wives. Except for the negative, complaining types (yes there are men like that, also), most prefer to find a solution and talk about it afterward. Women have a lot to learn from this attitude.

It’s ok to vent from time to time. But, as Dr. Margaret Paul, author of Inner Bonding, points out, many women use venting as an addiction, to avoid taking responsibility for their feelings, without exploring how they are responsible for creating their upsets, with no motivation to learn or change.

One reason, I believe, traditional psychotherapy fails to help such people is that it validates the expression of negativity, often for years.

With little or no encouragement to become more mindful and self-aware of how one’s attitudes are contributing to one’s own misery, patients are caught in a vicious loop that benefits no one but the therapist.

If you need to get rid of your negativity, use a diary or journal to write down your thoughts instead. Bitching and negativity will only send out more of the vibrations that you want to avoid.

Happiness Is A Choice

Fact: The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. How you react to any situation is less a reflection of what happens, than how you respond to what happens. Happiness is more a result of YOUR state of mind, than the state of the world.

There are people who can retain their optimism in even the worst of circumstances. And there are those who cannot be happy in any circumstances.

Your attitude is YOUR CHOICE. No one can make you miserable if you don’t LET them.

As this wonderful quote by Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, says,

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Take Responsibility For Your Choices

As 8 Ways To Happiness notes, you need to take ownership of your emotions and be responsible for the choices you make. And if you don’t like a situation in your life, you’re the only one who can change it.

If you’re in an unhappy relationship, explore the reasons why you’re unhappy. If it’s because you think your mate must do such-and-such to make you happy, you’re giving up power over your own life and expecting too much from him.

If he’s the same man you married, remember that you CHOSE him, and that expecting him to change for you is unfair.

If he’s changed and has abdicated his responsibilities or hurt you, then you need to take a serious look at whether you’re still compatible, and make your choices accordingly.

Just remember that change is inevitable. And if you and your mate can’t grow together and adjust through all life’s ups and downs, your relationship is not likely to stand the test of time.

So, instead of blaming your mate, your mother-in-law or anyone else for your misery, change your attitude and beliefs, and take the steps YOU need to take to be happy.

Taking responsibility for your own needs, your happiness and your life, is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself - and the only way to make your relationships work.

As I tell my daughter, if Cinderella had any sense, she’d have kicked her abusive step-mom and step-sisters out (after all, the house did belong to her legally) and got a life of her own.

I’m just glad that my daughter has better role models than weepy, disempowered women who refuse to take responsibility for their own happiness.

Related posts:

Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre

Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man

Stupid Mistake #7: Neglecting Yourself

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Why weren’t Abraham-Hicks featured on “The Secret” DVD, despite the fact that they’ve been spreading the message of the Law of Attraction for over 20 years? Actually they were featured on the original version, but the scenes were deleted after they fell out with producer Rhonda Byrnes. You can view the deleted scenes from The Secret featuring Esther Hicks and the voice of Abraham here.

There has been much speculation online about the deleted scenes, but the definitive word on the controversy came from the non-physical beings known as Abraham (channeled through Esther Hicks), who clearly state (in a video featured on Utube) that what Rhonda Byrnes did to Jerry and Esther was “not kind”.

The most interesting point Abraham made was that, by keeping the non-physical (the fact that we are all Source Energy in physical form) out of “The Secret”, Byrnes has, by not revealing the whole truth, perpetuated her own myth that the Law of Attraction was kept secret, privy to only a few, for thousands of years.

In fact, says Abraham, the Law of Attraction is as real as the Law of Gravity. It has always been… and was not waiting to be discovered. If you’re a fan of Abraham-Hicks, like I am, check out their video on The Truth about The Secret here.

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In a previous post on the Law of Attraction, I suggested that maybe what the world needs to eliminate terror, fear and negativity is a Campaign For Love.

So I created a little video here that you can use to spread the love, and the message of the Law Of Attraction to one and all.

Check it out at CampaignForLove.com

Popularity: 40% [?]