Soul Kadee

Women often tend to ignore their own financial well-being, allowing the men in their lives - fathers, husbands or brothers - to take decisions for them. It’s ok to turn to more informed people for financial advice, but neglecting to understand your financial rights and options can get you in a big mess.

When I found myself single again, I was forced to start taking decisions that, until then, I had left to my late husband. Since he passed away suddenly and neglected to take out an insurance policy, I had to take that decision immediately, for the sake of my little daughter’s future.

The burden of handling property and legal matters fell to me, and though I handled it well, I wish I’d taken more interest in such things when my husband was alive. Drawing from my own experience, the focus of the current issue of Naaree.com is on Property Rights for women, the topic of a seminar held recently in Mumbai.

We also carry features on Insurance and Investments for Indian women, besides our usual columns on dating, diet and wellness.

Check out the new articles on Naaree.com below:

Property Rights and Women
According to the amended Hindu Succession Act women have equal rights in parental property. Despite this, women are still denied their propery rights in modern India, reports Pallavi Bhattacharya.

Insurance Options For Indian Women
Whether it is life, health or property, as women, we tend to rely on others to make these judgments for us. But insurance is and essential tool to secure a financially happy future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Investment Tools For Women
While more and more women are pursuing high powered careers and becoming an inherent and valuable part of workforce, few, however, are aware of how to make themselves financially secure. Kinnary Nensee shows you how the right investments can make all the difference.

Domestic Violence (Physical and Emotional Abuse): Questions to Ask
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Tolerating Abuse: How Much Is Enough?
It seems that for the average Indian family izzat is more important than a daughter. How much can we take and what is our limit when it comes to abuse, asks Khushboo Aulakh.

Tai Chi For Women
Relaxation, mood stabilising, weight loss, age control and self-defence - an adept Tai Chi practitioner can develop all of them. And aren’t these the very things every woman wants to acquire? Tai Chi, an internal martial art developed on thousands of years of Chinese history and culture is now taught and practised in India.

Dating Dish: Why ‘Perfect’ Men Are Dangerous
It’s human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, the only way that a *real* relationship can emerge is by giving it time to develop in a healthy way, advises our dating coach, Paige Parker.

Dark Circles Puffy Eyes: Easy Natural Remedies
Dark circles and puffy eyes are one of the most frequently asked how-to-cure skin care related questions. Our beauty columnist, Angela Purcell, author of Magical Skincare Kingdom, recommends natural ways you can dramatically reduce, if not eliminate them.

Grab the Wheel: How to Get in the Driving Seat of Your Life
Are you truly in the driving seat of your life, or are you carting around a back-seat driver, or a mini-bus load of little voices with big desires? If there’s someone reaching over to turn your wheel it may be time to get assertive about what you want in your life and where you want to go.

Happy reading!

Popularity: 11% [?]

I really loved this article by Samantha Stevens. It made me laugh and brought home a few truths about the stupid beliefs we new-agers sometimes have about the people we call “soulmates.”

Lately, I think people are investing too much energy in the idea that they “must find their soulmate.” Where do we get this idea that we are somehow not complete unless we are connected to another person? What are you? An electrical outlet waiting for a plug, so you can finally light up the world?

Frankly, when I hear the word “soulmate” I tend to give a little shudder, especially when I think about some of the people in my past that I have considered to be my soulmates. Quite frankly, most of my soulmates were idiots! The Buddha would say that they were also my teachers — people I have known in a previous life time who have come back in this lifetime to teach me a lesson.

Boy did they, but unfortunately, it sometimes takes several soul mates to teach us just one lesson. (Hint, hint — I think the lesson is supposed to be about “letting go” and stop trying to control, or own people — a common problem in this society.)

Most people think that they have found their soulmate just because they feel a strong connection to a person. Unfortunately, that connection may not have anything to do with spirituality at all. It is amazing how lust can convince us that we are spiritually connected to a person. The person may just seem familiar, because they remind you of an ex boyfriend, a parent, or even someone who molested you as a child.

I also hate the way the term soulmate is often used by people as an excuse to stay in a relationship where they are clearly being abused …half the time the abuser is using the concept of the soulmate as blackmail: “but you have to take this crap from me! You’re beholden to me. I knew you in another life!”

You can tell your soulmate is an idiot, if he left you eight months ago and you feel like he is still hanging around in your aura, or even worse, visiting you in dreams, or plaguing you with unwanted thoughts like “this was really all your fault, you know.” Time to evict this tenant from your cosmic field.

When it comes to soulmates, I subscribe to Oprah’s theory “that everybody is your soul mate.” In theory, you don’t have to have sex with every soul mate you meet — a soul mate can also be a child, a relative, a co-worker or even just a good friend.

One of the hazards of getting involved sexually and emotionally with someone who we believe was sent to us by God, or who we think was sent to us as “an angel on earth” is that we often become over attached to them and have trouble severing the connection.

Notice how anyone you’ve gotten rid off doesn’t qualify as a soulmate… but anyone who dumped you automatically ALWAYS makes the grade … ironically, you hear most people describe the last person who dumped them as their one and only soulmate.

If they were such a great soulmate, then why didn’t they stick around to build a future with you? Oh right, your soulmate was an idiot, too. It’s O.K. to admit your soulmate is an idiot, by the way. It makes the angels laugh …

Forget meditation. There’s nothing that dissolves bad karma faster than a bit of humour.

Samantha Steven’s articles have been published in many high-standing newspapers and she has published several books. If you wish to buy Samantha’s books about metaphysics click here http://www.insomniacpress.com/author.php?id=110 You can meet Samantha Stevens at http://www.psychicrealm.com where she works as a professional psychic. You can also read more of her articles at http://www.newagenotebook.com

Popularity: 14% [?]

Way before Cinderella, and her wimpy ilk, waited for a prince to rescue them from their misery, women have been looking to a man to make them happy.

Indian culture (and Bollywood movies) also perpetuated the Pati-Parmeshwar myth - that a woman should look up to her husband as “God”.

Sati (widow burning) - a perversion of the scriptures, banned by law many decades ago - was the outcome of the belief that a woman cannot have an existence, or an identity, without her husband.

Out Of The Dark Ages? Not Yet…

It’s true that, in ancient times, a woman’s survival depended on her ability to attract a man who would provide for her. Today, however, women have many more options.

We no longer live in the dark ages, but thousands of years of evolution and cultural conditioning are proving difficult to eliminate overnight.

So, even in this enlightened day and age, you’ll find women all over the globe, who are desperate to find a man to “complete” them, and provide for them.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a mate, someone you can spend a lifetime with. It can be wonderful to have someone to love, hold and cherish.

The problem arises when you start depending on your mate to help you heal your childhood wounds, and make you happy or whole. That’s your therapist/healer’s job, not his.

No one but you, has the power to make you happy. When you give that power over to someone else, when you look outside of yourself for love and acceptance, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

As How To Have a Healthy Relationship notes,

Do not expect anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. Being happy is your own job and you are the only person that can do it. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way.

The truth is that no one has the ability to make another person happy, but often we can share in another’s happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.

Expecting too much from your mate, and making him responsible for your happiness, is destructive to your relationship. Not even a saint can live up to that sort of expectation.

Sacrifice Is Not The Solution

Beware, if your man actually wants that you depend on him for everything, and urges you to give up your interests, hobbies or career to take care of him and his needs (like Kay Kay Menon’s character in Life In A Metro, a must-watch movie).

These men are usually extremely insecure, and afraid of women who are strong, independent, and likely to leave them if they behave badly.

Every woman deserves to have a fulfilling life of her own, and an identity beyond being a housewife and mother.

When you give up things that fulfil you and nurture your spirit, for someone else’s demands (like Shilpa Shetty’s character in the same movie), you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, frustration, disillusionment and disappointment.

A healthy relationship is based on compromise, not sacrifice. Women who choose to sacrifice their happiness for others usually end up as bitter, negative and nagging.

Choosing to take responsibility for your own needs will not only take the pressure off your relationship, but help you realise your self-worth as a person.

What If He’s Abusive?

But what about an abusive relationship, you ask? Isn’t he the one who’s perpetrating the abuse and making you unhappy?

Yes, but, in a relationship between two adults, the only reason he can do that to you is because you LET him. As a grown woman, you’re an intelligent, thinking human being, with the power to make your own choices.

If, at the first instance of abuse, you don’t walk out, or report an abusive man to the authorities, you’re teaching him that you’ll stay with him and tolerate his behaviour, no matter how he treats you or makes you feel.

Learning To Love Yourself

If you allow anyone to overstep your boundaries, or refuse to set limits to what you will tolerate, you’re showing them that you don’t love or respect yourself enough to leave the relationship.

Some women complain that they give a lot, and do a lot for others, but no one does anything for them. These women are usually codependents, people pleasers who depend on other people’s appreciation for their self-esteem.

They don’t realise that people only treat you the way you treat yourself. So, if you don’t respect yourself and allow yourself to be a doormat, that’s exactly how others in your life will treat you.

Choosing To Be Miserable

It takes just as much energy to decide to be happy as it does to be miserable. So why do so many women choose the latter?

After listening to many women complain about their lives, and what their men did to them, I realised that the payoff they get from remaining in their situation, is being able to complain and be a victim.

Many women have invested so much of their lives in playing the victim, that they have no reason to leave a bad relationship, because they’d no longer get the attention and sympathy they get by staying miserable.

And since misery loves company, you’ll often find these women with negative attitudes, sitting together, bitching about women who chose to put their own happiness first.

What Women Can Learn From Men

One of the things I respect about men, is that they refuse to complain about their problems. Complaining in a man is seen as a sign of weakness.

You’ll rarely find men venting about their problems to their wives. Except for the negative, complaining types (yes there are men like that, also), most prefer to find a solution and talk about it afterward. Women have a lot to learn from this attitude.

It’s ok to vent from time to time. But, as Dr. Margaret Paul, author of Inner Bonding, points out, many women use venting as an addiction, to avoid taking responsibility for their feelings, without exploring how they are responsible for creating their upsets, with no motivation to learn or change.

One reason, I believe, traditional psychotherapy fails to help such people is that it validates the expression of negativity, often for years.

With little or no encouragement to become more mindful and self-aware of how one’s attitudes are contributing to one’s own misery, patients are caught in a vicious loop that benefits no one but the therapist.

If you need to get rid of your negativity, use a diary or journal to write down your thoughts instead. Bitching and negativity will only send out more of the vibrations that you want to avoid.

Happiness Is A Choice

Fact: The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. How you react to any situation is less a reflection of what happens, than how you respond to what happens. Happiness is more a result of YOUR state of mind, than the state of the world.

There are people who can retain their optimism in even the worst of circumstances. And there are those who cannot be happy in any circumstances.

Your attitude is YOUR CHOICE. No one can make you miserable if you don’t LET them.

As this wonderful quote by Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, says,

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Take Responsibility For Your Choices

As 8 Ways To Happiness notes, you need to take ownership of your emotions and be responsible for the choices you make. And if you don’t like a situation in your life, you’re the only one who can change it.

If you’re in an unhappy relationship, explore the reasons why you’re unhappy. If it’s because you think your mate must do such-and-such to make you happy, you’re giving up power over your own life and expecting too much from him.

If he’s the same man you married, remember that you CHOSE him, and that expecting him to change for you is unfair.

If he’s changed and has abdicated his responsibilities or hurt you, then you need to take a serious look at whether you’re still compatible, and make your choices accordingly.

Just remember that change is inevitable. And if you and your mate can’t grow together and adjust through all life’s ups and downs, your relationship is not likely to stand the test of time.

So, instead of blaming your mate, your mother-in-law or anyone else for your misery, change your attitude and beliefs, and take the steps YOU need to take to be happy.

Taking responsibility for your own needs, your happiness and your life, is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself - and the only way to make your relationships work.

As I tell my daughter, if Cinderella had any sense, she’d have kicked her abusive step-mom and step-sisters out (after all, the house did belong to her legally) and got a life of her own.

I’m just glad that my daughter has better role models than weepy, disempowered women who refuse to take responsibility for their own happiness.

Related posts:

Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre

Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man

Stupid Mistake #7: Neglecting Yourself

Popularity: 14% [?]

Why weren’t Abraham-Hicks featured on “The Secret” DVD, despite the fact that they’ve been spreading the message of the Law of Attraction for over 20 years? Actually they were featured on the original version, but the scenes were deleted after they fell out with producer Rhonda Byrnes. You can view the deleted scenes from The Secret featuring Esther Hicks and the voice of Abraham here.

There has been much speculation online about the deleted scenes, but the definitive word on the controversy came from the non-physical beings known as Abraham (channeled through Esther Hicks), who clearly state (in a video featured on Utube) that what Rhonda Byrnes did to Jerry and Esther was “not kind”.

The most interesting point Abraham made was that, by keeping the non-physical (the fact that we are all Source Energy in physical form) out of “The Secret”, Byrnes has, by not revealing the whole truth, perpetuated her own myth that the Law of Attraction was kept secret, privy to only a few, for thousands of years.

In fact, says Abraham, the Law of Attraction is as real as the Law of Gravity. It has always been… and was not waiting to be discovered. If you’re a fan of Abraham-Hicks, like I am, check out their video on The Truth about The Secret here.

Popularity: 5% [?]

In a previous post on the Law of Attraction, I suggested that maybe what the world needs to eliminate terror, fear and negativity is a Campaign For Love.

So I created a little video here that you can use to spread the love, and the message of the Law Of Attraction to one and all.

Check it out at CampaignForLove.com

Popularity: 9% [?]

I love Christine Akiteng’s advice on relationships, and enjoyed reading her ebook and all the great dating articles she sends out in her newsletter. I also loved how she opened up and shared how she got rid of her own destructive dating patterns in the article, Confessions Of Every Man’s “Dream Woman”.

Reading it gave me a sense of deja vu actually, because I recognised so many of my own behaviours in that article. For the last couple of years, I’ve been a lot like that low-maintainance woman that men love. Never possessive or jealous, open, honest, non-judgmental, extremely independent - and terrified of commitment.

I realised, however, that something about this didn’t feel right, and that it wasn’t attracting the right kind of men into my life. I knew I needed to become more discerning and picky about the men I dated.

Like Christine, in my last relationship, I tended to blow hot and cold. As soon as it showed signs of getting serious, I would freak out (like a man) and bail out, only to return after much reflection, and realisation that I was reacting to my own fears of intimacy.

I did, however, become honest about my fears and patterns, and started doing the inner work I needed to clear them. My relationship did not survive the personal changes I went through, but it helped me heal and grow so much, and left me with such beautiful memories, that I’ll know I’ll always be good friends with my ex.

I’ve lots more work to do, but I give myself credit for making a great deal of progress in becoming aware of and healing my destructive patterns. With that in mind, I thought this excellent article of Christine’s would be really apt to share with you here.

20 Signs You Are Free From Your Destructive Relationship Pattern

Following my article; How Do You Make The Pain Go Away - Letting Go Obsessing About Him/Her, I’ve been flooded with emails from men and women asking me to explain exactly what learning and moving on entails.

Most people seem to recognize that there is definitely a self-destructive pattern in their relationships, a pattern they are stuck in. A few of them have been working to break free from their destructive patterns but now ask, How do I know I’ve moved on?”

A person who has overcome his/her pattern of negative bonding” is profoundly different from what he/she was before:

1. You accept yourself fully (as you are now) even while wanting to change parts of yourself.

2. You take full responsibility for your own behaviour, own choices and own life.

3. You do not adapt yourself to try and fit into uncomfortable” situations and relationships.

4. You recognize that you’re a worthy person and your fulfillment is as important as anyone else.

5. You are in touch with your feelings, needs and desires and do not need a man/woman to bring out the fully expressive, creative and affectionate you. You do that with yourself and get a real kick out of it.

6. You are taking risks; meeting new and different people and learning more of what life wants to teach you about yourself through others.

7. You are freed from the overwhelming responsibility of fixing others. No one has to change in order for you to feel good or get on with the business of living.

8. You are less needy, less worried, less anxious, less angry, less irritable, less hostile, less forceful, less submissive, less confrontational, less selfish and self-destructive.

9. You are more realistic in your expectations of yourself and of others. You no longer pressurize others for more of what they don’t have (time, closeness, sensitivity, romance, fidelity, material stuff etc.) or give him/her too much of what he/she does not necessarily want and then become angered and hurt when he/she does not seem to appreciate it.

10. You are more able to relax and enjoy yourself and others more. This frees others to relax and enjoy themselves around you.

11. You’ve let go playing games: calculating, manipulating, putting on a great big spectacular show of loving” him/her, the chasing and running away. You are more relaxed and honest, and let the rest take care of itself.

12. You are pursuing your interests, hobbies and dreams.

13. You have a circle of supportive friends and family while at the same time avoiding dysfunctional relationships and energy drainers - people who sabotage your growth by wanting you to remain the same so that they can remain the same.

14. You trust more and can more comfortably let down your protection against being really hurt and allow a man/woman to see and love you for who you really are.

15. You no longer use your sexuality as a tool to control intimacy and relationships. You now allow yourself to be sexual as away of deepening your knowledge of each other.

16. You allow yourself to be loved because you already love yourself. If there is lots of love already in there, it is much easier to receive and accept love that comes from outside of you.

17. You know that a good relationship takes work and time to grow and are willing to put in effort and time but at the same time know when to let go if it’s not working - to let go without experiencing disabling depression.

18. You don’t need to find a partner who is the opposite of you to bring balance into your life. Instead you ask, Does this relationship enable me grow into all I am capable of being?”

19. You’ve learned to live your life without all the stress” and time-consuming and energy draining dramas of heated battles, begging, angry outbursts, parting and reconciling.

20. What once felt normal and familiar feels uncomfortable, awkward and unhealthy. When everything in you wants to take over, to advice and encourage, use praise to raise” his/her self-esteem, or criticism to manipulate him/her, you easily hold yourself from responding in the old ways.

Some people have worked through their negative bonding” patterns without any therapy or professional help, but a majority of people have tried so hard and none of their best efforts have worked in the long run. This is because often the situation is worse than they allow themselves to admit; they are too proud to ask for help; they make a half-attempted effort just until the pain of the break-up is gone.

Working to let go off old patterns of relating is a better alternative to pining for your last love and waiting for your next heart break. None of this is easy, but it is exactly what has to happen. This may be the first time in your life that you’ve regarded yourself truly important and worthy of your own attention and nurturing.

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullnessâ„¢. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.

Article Source

Popularity: 11% [?]

I believe that we’re all wounded souls, here on Earth to complete our karma and work on becoming a better human being. All relationships are our lessons, and people our teachers. Our relationships are mirrors that reveal our flaws, and the people in our lives are only reflections of the energy that we put out.

Imagine my shock, then, when I realised that in my own relationships, I’ve been attracting men who were either self-absorbed, controlling and narcissistic, or clingy, insecure and needed “fixing”. I knew it was time to do some serious soul-searching, and reflect on what it was in me that was attracting such people.

As I became more self-aware, I came to realise that I had codependent tendencies (tended to give too much) and weak boundaries (had a hard time saying “no”), that literally made me a magnet for the wrong sort of men.

Weak boundaries seem to be a common issue with those who are highly sensitive and empaths. For people like me, one of the most important life lessons is learning how to set boundaries in relationships. So, I decided I needed a time-out from dating, to work on strengthening my boundaries and learning assertiveness skills.

What is a boundary and what does it mean to set your boundaries? Rinatta Paries explains in her article, Setting Boundaries In Relationships, that

A boundary is a DIVIDING LINE between you and anyone else, even a loved one. The line represents both physical and emotional limits others may not VIOLATE.

A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt, outrage, etc. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone, even your most loved one, from crossing the line with you.

Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth, your self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are WORTHY of care.

Without boundaries, we often end up giving and giving, until we have nothing left to give in our relationships. We end up feeling used, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or violated because we lacked the courage to speak up and assert ourselves when we needed to.

As Robert Burney, author of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, notes

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

The first step in setting personal boundaries is becoming aware of how and why you are allowing others to violate them. Read Ten Rights Of An Assertive Individual to understand what issues you should start setting boundaries for.

Coping.org has some of the best information on learning to set boundaries, and the comprehensive article here explains why low self-esteem is one of the primary reasons we allow others to violate our boundaries.

People with low self-esteem have their major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others.

This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened “internal locus of control” and become dependent on a strong “external locus of control.” They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.

People with low self-esteem are dependent on others’ approval and recognition and are therefore fearful of rejection by and conflict with others. It has been estimated in the self-esteem literature that over 90 percent of us are suffering from low self-esteem at one degree or another. Therefore most people in relationships are currently suffering from low self-esteem or recovering from it.

While it’s easier to walk out of a relationship that is clearly abusive, it’s not so easy to leave a codependent or caregiving relationship with an addict or dysfunctional person. It’s like the addictive relationship between Kate Moss and her fiance, Pete Doherty, that, despite very public stints in rehab, allows them both to enable each other’s cocaine addiction.

For Indian women, or those from cultural backgrounds where unhealthy stereotypes of women are glorified - as in the “woman-as-martyr” theme in Indian mythology (Sita in the Ramayana) and the Sati-Savitri of Hindi cinema - the risk is even greater, because of the pressure to “stick by your man” in times of trouble. No matter that he has an abusive, addictive, or dyfunctional personality.

The younger generation of women seems to be rejecting this harmful stereotyping, but the “Mama’s boys” in our male population are still waiting for a woman who will take care of them and do for them what any healthy adult should be able to do for himself (see Codependence and the Indian Male). Little wonder, then, that so many Indian marriages are disintegrating under the pressure of dual-income homes.

But boundaries are not only required between intimate partners. It’s essential to learn to set boundaries in ANY relationship, whether at work, with your boss, co-workers, and customers, or at home, with your parents, children, family and in-laws. Children who grow up without boundaries become incapable of discipline, are in danger or being either spoiled or neglected, and go on to have dysfunctional relationships of their own.

As Indians, we’re taught to respect elders, so we tend to have more difficulty setting healthy boundaries with older people, like parents and in-laws. This unhealthy tolerance of elders’ interference is not just irritating and destructive to marriages. It often leads to the abuse, torture and dowry deaths, that we read about almost everyday.

As far as elders are concerned, my take is that they do deserve respect, but only if also they treat YOU with respect. Respect must be EARNED, in my opinion. And the best way to earn my respect, is by treating ME the way you wish to be treated. I avoid people, elders or otherwise, who behave in a disrespectful, critical or controlling manner with me. And that includes those who insist on giving me unsolicited, “helpful” advice.

If you come from a dysfunctional family (where one or both parents were alcoholic, addicts, abusive, absent or suffered from a mental illness) you may not even know what a healthy relationship looks like. The Coping.org website describes what a healthy, intimate relationship looks like here.

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship.

A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.

A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

Sandra Brown, M.A., writes in her ebook, How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that healthy boundaries (or the lack of them) are the most important indication of whether or not a man is a capable of being in a healthy relationship.

If you’ve been getting into relationships with men who lie or cheat, are married or unavailable, needy, clingy, dysfunctional, manipulative, exploitative, violent, abusive, pathological, or harm you in any way, you need to get a copy of her book now.

However, blaming society, family, cultural conditioning, or the man you’re involved with, is not helpful. It reduces you to playing a victim’s role, and takes away your power. If you want things to change, you need to take responsibility for the role you played in ALLOWING your partner to behave the way he did, and accept that any change has to come from inside you.

That includes learning to spot the signs that you’re violating your own boundaries in a relationship, learning healthy ways to express yourself when setting boundaries (minus anger and blame), and doing the work it takes to build healthy boundaries.

Many of us are afraid of setting boundaries because we don’t want to change the status quo in our relationships. We worry that setting boundaries will “upset the applecart”, and even break up a relationship or marriage.

Yes, there’s a distinct possibility that, when we change the dynamics of a relationship, we risk losing the other person. I’ve had men complain bitterly about my “rules”, and I’ve dumped men for disrespecting me, taking me for granted, standing me up, or asking me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with (like lending them money).

I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And if we’re willing to let them cross the line even once, it becomes harder and harder to push it back. When we don’t make rules for how we let ourselves be treated, we are not being loving to ourselves. And the more we ignore our own needs and put other’s needs above our own, the more we harm our own self-esteem.

Today, I’d gladly accept the risk of ending a relationship, if it means that I’m taking care of myself and protecting my well-being. I know that being good to myself is more important than trying to save a relationship that is not right for me in the first place.

I realised that if I want to be loving to myself, I need to state very clearly what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. I know today, that the only way to be in a healthy relationship, is to demand to be treated with the respect and consideration I deserve.

Toltec teacher, Don Miguel Ruiz, writes in an article on Boundaries that

We can create acceptable boundaries with people whose emotional poison we do not want to eat. When we respect ourselves, we will not allow disrespect from anybody else. This is not selfishness, it’s self-love. The controlling aspect is selfishness–wanting a partner to stay with us even if we are in hell. If we go into relationships because, “Oh I need you so much,” it’s selfishness, not self-love.

Relationships can be so wonderful. We can be completely open and loving. But just because we love someone, that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their anger, jealousy or abuse. We don’t need to be abused, and we can’t send out our abuse either.

Recommended Reading:

How To Spot A Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown, M.A.

Supreme Self-Esteem for Women

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child - Highly recommended.

Boundaries by Don Miguel Ruiz

Books on Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Appropriately

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Improving Assertive Behavior

Popularity: 14% [?]

We women can be such stupid, self-sacrificing martyrs sometimes. And that especially applies in our relationships. I see so many amazing women willing to date and/or marry men who are simply not worth their while. And, I confess, I used to be one of them.

Is it a result of our conditioning that we’re willing to accept less than respectful behaviour from men in relationships? Is it our codependent tendencies that cause us to choose dysfunctional men who need “rescuing”?

Is it our cultural conditioning that makes us put a man’s needs above our own? What is it that makes so many educated and intelligent Indian women settle for arranged marriages with men they feel little or no attraction for?

Should we blame women’s liberation - or women themselves - for allowing men to think that they can have their cake without having to make a commitment in relationships?

The younger generation of Indian women are increasingly open about sex. As long as they practice safe sex, I fully support their desire to experiment, as a natural process of exploring and establishing one’s sexual preferences.

Many Indian marriages become unsatisfying for one or both partners, because women remain sexually ignorant till after the wedding, and some end up learning about their husband’s sexual perversions only when it’s too late.

The danger with casual sex, however, is that women tend to misinterpret a man’s readiness to have sex as a desire for a long-term commitment. And this misconception is not restricted to Indian culture. It applies to women everywhere.

It’s sad when we women end up devaluing ourselves and our bodies, by using sex as bait to “get and keep a man”. We need to understand that this is not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship, based on mutual respect and affection.

According to Sandra L. Brown, M. A., counselor and author of How To Spot A Dangerous Man (which I am currently reading and highly recommend), it’s low self-esteem that makes women willing participants in the process of settling for a less than desirable mate. She writes that,

Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying, and healthy relationship is a reflection of a woman’s low esteem level.

Often women settle for undesirable men, unsatisfying relationships, or marriages of convenience, out of loneliness, or the fear that they won’t get anyone better.

Yes, it’s a self-esteem issue. And one I battled myself, until I realised that, if I don’t value myself, and expect the best that life has to offer me, why should anyone else value me?

Lack of self-love and self-esteem destroys a woman’s belief in herself, and tricks her into thinking that she doesn’t deserve any better than the loser who -

• Can’t hold a steady job
• Doesn’t believe in monogamy
• Abuses and beats up on women
• Has a criminal record
• Is addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, work, sports (take your pick)
• Has mental health issues
• Doesn’t value her
• Is commitment-phobic
• Is a mama’s boy (my pet hate!)

The scary thing is that many women don’t even see some of these issues as a problem. We imbibe so many disempowering beliefs from our family, society and popular culture.

What message does it send when we see beautiful women, like Zarina Wahab, turn a blind eye to their husband’s indiscretions, so they don’t have to face the truth about their bad marriage?

What does it say to Indian women when we see desirable women like Aishwarya Rai, tolerate abuse at the hands of a dangerous, narcisstic man like Salman Khan (thank heaven she redeemed herself by making Provoked)?

Or, closer home, when we see our own parents choosing to stay in a bad or abusive marriage, instead of choosing the happiness they deserve.

According to the Law of Attraction, the Universe gives you whatever you ASK for. But only if you truly believe you DESERVE IT. If you indicate, by your actions, that you’re willing to settle for less, then less is what you’ll get.

So, if you’re willing to settle for a man who abuses you, is emotionally unavailable or mentally unhinged, or for the married man who’ll be “out of his marriage any day now,” you’re essentially telling the Universe, “I DON’T BELIEVE I DESERVE a healthy, loving man who truly values and cherishes me for myself.”

When I realised that I had to love and value myself before I could expect anyone else to love and value me, I decided never to get involved with a man who was not capable of the kind of relationship I desire.

In reality, it was not that simple. After my husband passed away two years ago, I should have realised that my grief would impair my judgement and self-esteem, and stayed away from relationships until I’d healed completely.

As it happened, I did get into a long-term, on-off relationship, with a man who genuinely cared for me and helped me heal. The only problem was that neither of us expected or wanted it to be “permanent”.

Today, I’ve learned that these transitory relationships are sometimes meant to help us heal and open up to love again, after experiencing a painful loss or break-up. It certainly helped me realise that I was capable of loving again.

I learned a great deal about myself in that relationship, and will always cherish my memories of it. But, even though I believe in living in the moment, I knew that, sooner or later, I’d have to take the painful decision to move on.

While learning about the Law Of Attraction, I realised that the reason I was attracting emotionally unavailable men into my life, was because I was emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic myself. We attract who we ARE, says the LOA.

So, here I was, willing to settle for a low-maintenance relationship, because of my own fears of intimacy, engulfment and commitment. We women, however, are not built for such relationships, and I think feminism has done women a great disservice by allowing us to believe otherwise.

Sex is a bonding experience for most women. And, if you’re the sort of woman whose been in a committed, monogamous relationship most of her adult life, you’re deluding yourself if you think that you’re capable of having a “bit of fun” without damaging your fragile self-esteem.

In her post on not lowering your standards, mental health therapist, Jennifer, notes that,

While compromise is essential to having a really healthy partnership, there is never a reason you should feel it necessary in a relationship to give up your personal standards of morality, integrity, or decency. Any guy who requires you to lower your personal standards is not a good match for you.

This is not about one way, belief, or ideal being better than another, nor is it about one way of living being the “right” way. It is about you remaining true to your personal standards and finding a guy who respects and honors your truths and ideals.

Women that alter or lower their personal or religious views or standards for a man typically find themselves feeling unauthentic and harmed by the relationship.

I know today, that I deserve far better than what I was getting in my last relationship, but also realise that it’s completely up to me to face and conquer my own fears, before I’m capable of healthy intimacy once more.

I decided to come clean and admit that romantic relationships are not high on of my list of priorities right now. I’m at a stage in life where I’d rather read a good book or watch a good movie, than spend precious time and energy on a man.

Today, my business, my daughter, and my spiritual growth are the most important things in my life. So, rather than attract another unfulfilling relationship, I decided to take a “time-out” from the dating scene for a while.

It might seem a bit extreme, but there are times in life when you need to take a step back to introspect, commit to healing yourself, and focus on the things that are truly important to you.

Besides, it feels so good to admit that I’m no longer willing to settle for a relationship in which I don’t feel valued. It’s my way of nurturing and honouring myself and my feelings.

Relationship expert, Barbara de Angelis, notes that

Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

Taking a “relationship time-out” doesn’t mean I’m closed to being friends with a man. It just means that I value myself too much to settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate me as a person or want to be in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with me.

Sandra L. Brown writes in How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that

Women everywhere could benefit from taking a time out from dating. Unfortunately, few women give themselves time off from dating because of a fear of being alone.

She explains that a dating “time-out” can give us some much-needed healing time, to put ourselves first and focus on our own recovery, on the changes we need to see in our thinking, and on examining how previous relationship problems occurred in our lives.

Self-awareness - understanding yourself, becoming aware of your fears, your reactions, your patterns, and listening to your intuition - is really the best defense against bad dating choices.

Today, I know I can be happy with or without a man. I don’t need a man to “complete me”. I’ve never felt more whole and complete as a person, and am no longer willing to lower my standards for any one. Here’s hoping more women will be inspired to do the same.

Recommended Reading:

Self-worth and Self-esteem

Learning to Love… Myself

Settling for Less Than God’s Best: A Relationship Check-Up for Single Women

Settling For Less

The Relationship Mistake of Settling

The Problem of “Settling”

Too Close Too Soon: Avoiding the Heartache of Premature Intimacy

Boundaries in Dating

Popularity: 10% [?]

What we resist, persists.
- Sonia Johnson, American feminist, activist and writer.

I just got my copy of The Secret (DVD) today, and as I was watching it, the teachers happened to discuss a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot recently - that FIGHTING AGAINST anything (war, corruption, drugs, global warming) doesn’t work.

I have a strong personal belief that states, If you don’t like something, don’t complain about it. Change it. That’s because, the more attention you give something you don’t want - the more you complain about it, fight it, write about it, protest against it - the more you invite it into your consciousness, and your life.

It was not the Secret that taught me this, but my own experience as an environmental activist and journalist. I’ve written on environmental issues since 1996, and I realised, as most activists did, that we were fighting a losing battle, as far as many issues (like global warming) were concerned.

But, I also realised that focusing on the bad news and the disasters wasn’t helping. So, whenever I researched an issue I was covering, I decided to also give balanced coverage to the solutions that local groups and NGOs were exploring to challenges like pollution, deforestation and water scarcity.

I found a great deal of good news amongst all the depressing news that was covered in the mainstream media (MSM). The good news rarely enters public consciousness, because bad news makes better news, as far as MSM is concerned. One reason I avoid MSM (or scan through the headlines at most) is because I believe that, while it’s good to stay informed, it’s even better to be selective about the thoughts that you let into your mind.

As the Law Of Attraction states, what we focus on, expands. So, if your focus is on FIGHTING AGAINST the forces that create war, poverty, environmental degradation, you’ll only ATTRACT MORE of the same. And so,

• The War on Terror spawns more terror.
• Anti-war protests create more war and hatred.
• Protests against communalism create more hate.
• Focusing on your spouse’s faults creates more unhappiness in marriage.

If you want to use the secret of deliberate creation to create a world you desire, stop paying so much attention to what’s wrong with the world, and focus on the good you can do instead. Here are some ways you can make a difference by changing your focus right now.

• Don’t be Anti-War. Be Pro-Peace.
  
• Don’t fight the interests that create global warming. Focus on making alternative energy sources more profitable.
  
• Don’t fight against corruption. Focus on creating transparency and public accountability.
  
• Don’t fight against communal forces. Promote tolerance, love and understanding.
  
• If you’re in a relationship, don’t nag your significant other to change her/his ways. Focus on how good s/he makes you feel instead.
  
• And (this goes out especially to the Mumbai police) stop cracking down on kanoodling couples in love. Focus on freeing Mumbai of real criminals instead.

Like the Beatles, I believe that “All We Need Is Love.” And that the war on terror can only be countered with a Campaign for Love. Perhaps it’s time to send George W a copy of The Secret…

The LOA teachers state that one positive thought is many, many times more powerful than a negative thought. So focus on love and happiness. Will it help you change the world? Who knows? All I can guarantee is that it’ll make you feel sooooo good.

Join the Campaign For Love here (site under construction).

Popularity: 13% [?]

Problems cannot be solved
at the same level of awareness that created them.
- Albert Einstein

The Law of Attraction teaches that, to change your circumstances, you must change the way you think and feel. To attract something or someone into your life, you must raise your vibrational frequency to match that of the object you desire.

So how DO you raise your vibration? Simply by choosing experiences that raise your emotional set point, or as the teachers call it, following your bliss. As Sherry Binkelman explains in her article, Raising Your Vibration,

The influences upon which we focus our attention or thoughts are those that determine or define our vibration. Negative vibrations are associated with the lower chakras, with what we consider to be “negative” emotions or feelings, including hatred, anger, doubt, fear (of loss, lack, failure) jealousy, envy, judgment, (both judgment of others and self-judgment) impatience, disharmony, imbalance, insecurity. Positive vibrations are those such as love, harmony, peace, balance, kindness, understanding, compassion. Our vibration attracts to us experiences of like vibration, and also attracts to us people who are of the same vibrational frequency.

Many LOA books, including the ones by Abraham-Hicks, offer processes (22, no less) to raise your vibration to one of optimism and joy, at which point you start to manifest your desires.

It’s really not as complicated as it seems. Instinctively, we all know what we need to feel good. But, blissing out doesn’t mean using drugs, alcohol or prescription meds as uppers. That’s just a way of avoiding your issues, and will ultimately land you in rehab.

Following your bliss is about CHOOSING to be happy, choosing to be in a state of joy and love, as much as possible. It’s about doing work that you’re passionate about, being with people who help you grow and thrive, and choosing experiences that take you to a higher place.

Here’s a list of my personal favourite ways to raise my vibration. Perhaps you can relate to some of them, too.

1. Solitude: This is essential for me, because as an introvert, highly sensitive person, empath, being around people for too long drains me and makes me very crabby. I really need my space, and my time alone helps me recharge my batteries.

2. Reading a good book: As a child, my only escape from the reality of my unhappy existence was to create a fantasy world (helped a great deal by the creations of Enid Blyton, Richmal Crompton, Hans Christian Anderson, the Grimm brothers and Robert Louis Stevenson) of heroes, pirates, detectives and dragon-slayers. I spent my entire childhood daydreaming and visualising - valuable skills that I now make full use of, since they work so well in manifestation. In recent times, I’ve become a fan of audiobooks, as well, because they help me absorb information much faster. Besides providing fodder for my fertile imagination, books have introduced me to the thoughts and ideas of great men and women, and helped me learn many lessons without having to experience them for myself.

3. Meditation, Affirmations, Energy work: The reason I talk about these methods so much is because my life changed a great deal since I started using them. They helped me tune into my emotional guidance system, and my inner guidance, and start making better choices based on my intuition. I use meditation everyday for grounding and clearing my energy, and affirmations to keep my thoughts happy and positive. I just completed a meditation course with my healer, Leo, and we worked on a lot of issues, cleared up a lot of emotional baggage. And it didn’t take years of painful therapy, just 10-sessions of Leo’s powerful healing techniques (will write more about them soon). Meditation and other energy work, like Reiki (I just completed the second level), have helped me heal emotional blocks and childhood scars, which prevented me from attracting the things I desire into my life.

4. Music: Born in a family of musicians, jazz, blues and classical music on the old 48 rpm were a staple diet in our home. One of my favourite memories is of my Grandpa, Martin, entertaining us with his old ragtime numbers on our piano. Another fun family outing was visiting the theatre (we didn’t have DVDs back then) to see a Hollywood musical. I still enjoy musicals and Disney movies. Music can make me smile, laugh, even cry (though I avoid that as much as possible). It’s something I can plug into anytime, anywhere. Definitely one of my best uppers.

5. Dancing: If you’re Goan (or married to one), you can’t escape the old Latin numbers, the waltzes, the cha-chas, and the Mexican shuffle that’s a must at every wedding. Is it any wonder that Goans are happy people? In fact, I love dancing so much, I took a salsa class, and every so often, put on a CD of Latin music, or J. Lo, and groove to the beat with complete abandon. Next on my list are belly dancing and flamenco classes.

6. Exercise: This is one thing I really need to get more of. There’s nothing like a good workout, whether it involves aerobics, yoga or, my personal favourite, Tai Chi, to boost my mood. Endorphins apart, just getting off my ass and stretching my muscles can raise my vibration a few notches.

7. Laughter: I believe that laughter is one of the most spiritual things in the world. A good belly laugh makes you forget all your woes, and lifts your vibration like nothing else. Reading silly jokes forwarded by email, listening to funny stories, watching reruns of Mr. Bean, Friends, Will and Grace, Frasier, and of course, a little Leno, is a great way to wrap up the day with happy feelings.

8. A good movie: Barring horror movies, the sad ones (like Mira Nair’s Water, which, though great cinema, was horribly depressing) and the gruesome ones, I can enjoy a good movie anytime, anywhere. I loved The Pursuit of Happyness, because it ended on a happy note (even though I used up a whole tissue in the first half). I could actually feel the energy rise in the theatre when the main protagonist achieves his goal after so much hardship. I thoroughly enjoyed Dreamgirls and Shall We Dance, for the music and dance. I especially enjoy fantasy, like Bridge To Terabithia, which I must say, made a remarkably strong case for using your imagination to create your own reality. I make it a point to go see a movie (or catch one on the telly) at least once a week. It gives me a good feeling that lasts for days on end. Here’s a little something for you. Download this feel-good (and free) movie, The Secret To You, and watch it daily. It’s slickly produced, a delight to watch and will raise your vibration instantly. You’ll find more free stuff for good vibes here.

9. A long, hot bath: Who doesn’t love a long, hot bath? That must be, like, a universal upper. Just give me a tub, hot water, and some bubble bath, and I’m in heaven.

10. Getting a massage: My favourite way (though a bit expensive, at Rs 800 a pop for an experienced masseuse) to de-stress and relax. Having someone knead my tired muscles is instant bliss.

11. Being a mom: My little girl really IS the best upper a mom could ever have (when she isn’t testing my patience, that is). Watching her grow, admiring her sweet face when she’s sleeping (or is that my relief showing?), taking her on a holiday for two, listening to her child-like wisdom, sharing her joy when she learns a new tune on the piano, gets a certificate for academic achievement, or a new Barbie or game - these are some of the most memorable moments of my life. It reminds me of a line from the movie Hitch, where Will Smith’s character says, Life is not how many breaths you take, it’s how many moments take your breath away.

12. Being with people I love: I’m the kind of person who has very few close friends, some whom I’ve known since my college days. But they’re very special to me, and I make it a point to maintain these friendships, and spend quality time in the company of these special people who nurture me.

13. Watching a sunset: In a concrete jungle like Mumbai, there’s really very little of Mother Nature left to commune with. Watching the sunset at Marine Drive is the closest someone like me can get to enjoy the glory of Creation. Unless, of course, I’m holidaying in Goa.

14. Being creative: Expressing your creativity is a wonderful way of raising your vibration. Creative expression, whether in the form of art, writing, sculpture, pottery, design, or even being more creative in the workplace, is very therapeutic because it puts us in alignment with our desires. My favourite way of expressing my creativity are, writing this blog, creating new websites, and coming up with new ideas to promote them.

15. Making someone smile: Nothing compares to that wonderful feeling of joy, when you know you’ve made a difference in someone’s life. It’s then that you know your life has meaning, and that you’re in alignment with your life purpose. I’m lucky to have been blessed with many such moments, and thank the Creator for all of them.

16. Gratitude: Being thankful reminds me of another of my favourite ways to raise my vibration - and one recommended by all the LOA teachers. Spending some time everyday, appreciating and being grateful for the abundance €œ of love, wealth and joy €œ in my life, and realising how privileged I am to have all these things, never fails to bring me joy. In all my dealings with people, there are two phrases that I make it a point to use as often as possible. They are Please and Thank you. No matter how tiny the gesture, I try never to take people and their generosity for granted. And trust that they will accord me the same treatment.

17. Being good to myself: LOA teachers all agree that self-love is the first step to raising your vibe. You can’t attract anything good unless you feel good about yourself. There was a time in my life when I engaged in negative self-talk, was very harsh on myself, and put everyone else’s feelings before my own. I had a hard time saying no and allowed people to take advantage of my generosity. Today, I take care of my feelings, am learning to set stronger boundaries, say No when I need to, and love and accept myself the way I am. As Sherry explains, Loving oneself is a wonderful way to raise one’s vibration, because each thought or act of self love sends out a vibration of love to the Universe, adding to the Light.

18. Making love: Oooh yeah!

So how many of these did you relate to? And which methods do you use to raise your vibration? Do share, so we can all benefit from your experience.

Popularity: 19% [?]