Soul Kadee

Authentic Relationships - 5-Question Exercise to Explore How You Show Up In Relationship

The focus of this article is to explore what it means to be authentic in the context of being single in the dating world and/or in the context of coaching singles. Take this five-question exercise to explore your relationship to authenticity.

My purpose here is to offer you some thoughts and ideas about authenticity and take you through some exercises that will support you to explore your own relation to, and experience of, authenticity and what it means to be authentic in relationship.

What I’m offering is simply what has worked for me and my clients. So there’s no given that what I’m working with must work for you. In fact, if there’s something that resonates with you, perhaps take it away with you for further exploration and leave behind anything that does not resonate with you.

For this experience, you’ll need some paper, a writing instrument (or computer),your mind, heart, soul and your breath.

First, set your intention to be present for this exercise, fully, and let go of your day. Perhaps visualize a balloon and place your cares, concerns, problems, challenges in your balloon and when you’re ready just allow your balloon to float up and away, leaving you free to be present in mind, body and spirit.

Sense your feet on the floor and notice your breathing. Then, take a few deep, deep breaths into your belly and make the sound AAH on the exhale. AAH is a primal sound that brings, relaxation, pleasure and letting go. This sound opens the heart, the lungs and helps to melt tension while contributing to an overall sense of well-being. So, take another deep breath or two, exhaling with AAH. Now, let’s begin.

Since coaching, for me, is all about asking powerful and provocative questions. This exercise explores five questions around authenticity in relationship:

1. What is authenticity and what does authenticity mean to you?

2. What are you do-ing and how you are you be-ing when you’re authentic?

3. What obstacles get in the way of your being authentic (e.g., beliefs,
self-images, attitudes, emotions, etc.)?

4. On an authenticity scale (1-10), where would you say you are, generally, and
where would you like to be in six months?

5. And what first step might you take to begin moving in that direction?

So, our first question:

What is authenticity and what does authenticity mean to you?

Take a minute and write down all the words and phrases that come to you when you think of the word authenticity. What comes up for you? Take a breath and go inside. Sense and feel your body as you do this part of the exercise.

So, what was that experience like for you? Was it completely mental? Were you aware of your body - feelings and sensations? Were you relaxed? Did you experience any discomfort? How is your breath? Is it deep and relaxed or shallow and tight? Did you notice any negative self-talk from your Inner Judge and Critic? If so, are these familiar judgments?

It might support you to be curious about what you noticed about yourself, especially if you experienced any discomfort or negative self-judgments. This can be food for further exploration about your relationship to authenticity.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines authentic as: something real and true, as the quality of being real or true:

The Mirriam Webster Dictionary defines authentic as conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features; as not false or imitation and as being true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character and implies actual character not counterfeited, imitated, or adulterated; it also connotes definite origin from a source.

So, the operative words, for me, are essential source and spirit and character. That is, being authentic relates to the pure and innate qualities of the person I was when I was born, my true and real self, my essence, not an idea that I created and continually create with my ego mind.

So, it might be curious to explore how this loving, precious, pure and authentic child has morphed into adulthood and be curious about how we show up authentically in adulthood.

So, let’s continue with our second question:

When in a dating situation, what are you “do-ing” and how are you “be-ing” when you’re authentic?

What behaviors reflect your authenticity? Perhaps reflect on your words, your actions, your thoughts, your emotions and your feelings. How do these support your authenticity?

Take a minute and write down some of the ways you express your authenticity.

Here are some examples of do-ings and be-ings clients have come up with which express being authentic:

* consciously choosing to be with my partner exactly as he or she is, on the positivity rather than on obsessing on reasons why it can’t work

* supporting my partner in his or her choices, desires and dreams and consciously supporting one another to grow and evolve as both individuals and as a “we”

* honoring my partner’s truth, and uniqueness rather than focusing on possessing or fixing or changing him or her

* having the strength and courage to tell the truth especially when I believe it is unspeakable

* being consciously conscious and respectful of both my partner’s boundaries and my own

* asking questions for clarification and communicating rather than jumping to assumptions

* having the strength, self-discipline, courage, compassion and commitment to resolve differences as opposed to overtly fighting or being passively aggressive

* focusing on what I appreciate with gratitude, focusing on solutions, not problems

* being conscious of paying attention to my partner and not taking him or her for granted

* being honest, and honoring my beliefs

* living in integrity, nonconformity, and sticking to my values,

* living without spoken or unspoken judgments and creating a real environment of harmony, well-being and trust and where we can both live authentically, and in integrity as ourselves

* expressing hurt and pain and not hide behind anger, judgment and criticism

* not deferring to my partner in a way that makes me uncomfortable or passive aggressive

* being intentional about expressing what I want

* not interacting with a hidden agenda

* staying conscious in my heart as well as my head

* sharing what I think and feel about my immediate experience

* I accept my undeveloped areas as well as my strengths

So, sense into your self. What is your experience right now? What thoughts, feelings or emotions are you aware of? What’s going on in your mind, in your heart? What’s your body telling you? What’s your breathing like?

How is it for you right now to explore this idea of authenticity?

Our next question points to obstacles to being authentic.

So, it’s time to explore some of the obstacles that get in the way of your being authentic - obstacles such as your beliefs, your images of who you think you must be, your attitudes, assumptions or beliefs.

Perhaps one way of exploring this question is by asking if there’s a noticeable difference between two YOUs…the one who is standing naked at 4:00 am in your bedroom when no one is watching, and the one who walks out the door and into relationship?

So, take a minute and write down any obstacles which you feel prevent you from showing up as the real and true you.

Before I suggest some obstacles, listen to these client statements:

I’m not the same person in relationship as I am when I am alone at 4:00 A.M.
I feel I need to wear a mask and put on another personality so I’ll make an impression and be accepted and approved by the person I’m with.
Because I can’t tell the truth or be honest about my feelings and beliefs, I often feel like an imposter.

In order to fit in with a particular group when I’m dating, I feel I compromise my real and true self and lack the courage to speak my mind and make my voice heard.

I often feel I need to change who I am order to be with someone else?
I change my thoughts, my language, my views, and my feelings.
I feel I have to sell myself out when it comes to my requirements, needs and wants in order to maintain a relationship.
In many relationships, I feel I am moving away from being on purpose.

So, the question is, if you are different from your true and real self, what do you think or feel accounts for this difference?

Here are some common obstacles that bring one to compromise their true and real self, their authenticity:

* Allowing others to dictate who I think I should be, for example, my family, friends, society, reality TV, the media, or perhaps just my own ego

* Ego-driven needs for control, recognition and approval, to be “somebody” at the expense of thinking or feeling like I’m a “nobody” in some way-mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, financially, etc.

* Feeling or belief that my feelings and emotions, needs and wants are not worthy or appropriate, and “don’t count.”

* Fears of losing my bachelorhood, fear of rejection, not being good enough, being hurt, fear of commitment, or divorce later on.

* Fear of telling my truth and of being judged and criticized; fear of sharing my experience in the moment, fear of saying what’s up for me, right here and right now.

* Self-image and ideal that says I am perfect in every way.

* Fear that others will reject me if they know who I really am

So, what was this exercise like for you? Was it easy, difficult? Is there anything that piques your curiosity about your self? Did you experience insights or AHAs? What’s it like to acknowledge these obstacles? How do they make you feel?

So, change and transformation always begin with awareness, and awareness is the goal of these first few questions.

And now that perhaps we’ve raised our level of awareness a bit, let’s look at our final two questions which are related:

On an authenticity scale of 1-10, where would you say you are right now and where would you like to be in six months?

And, what first step might you take to move in that direction?

Take a few minutes and respond to these two questions.

So, is your action step observable and measurable? What will you be doing, being or having that supports you to move forward toward showing up more authentically? How will you know you have successfully completed this step? How will you be different in a dating context in some way, shape or form?

Do you have a sense of when you’d like to accomplish this step? Are you aware of potential obstacles that might get in the way? And, how can you deal effectively with these obstacles?

So, I hope these questions and exercises have been useful for you in some way as you explore who you are and how you are in the context of being a single in the dating world. For coaches of singles, I hope these questions and exercises might provide an additional tool or two to support your work with singles who are exploring the relationship area of their lives.

So, I’ll end with one final thought.

The Law of Attraction is a very powerful force in the Universe. The Law of Attraction says that what you focus on, consciously or unconsciously, what you give your attention and energy to, you will attract. Do you expect others to be authentic with you when you are fearful of being authentic with them? Authenticity is not a one-way street. Authenticity does not flow in only one direction.

The Law of Attraction applies in relationships as well as in every other area of life.

So, my belief is that one must exhibit the authenticity one expects in others. When we show up as less than our real and true self, the Law of Attraction says we will attract others who are also less authentic.

Being authentic, we will attract others who are authentic and there’s no better foundation than authenticity to create and cultivate a lasting, loving and healthy relationship.

Copyright 2005, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and SpiritHeart. All rights reserved worldwide. You may reprint this article as long as the article is published in its entirety, including resource box.

—ABOUT THE AUTHOR—

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C. is a founding partner of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta-based company that supports conscious living through coaching, counseling and facilitating. With a practice based on the dynamic intersection of mind, body, emotion and spirit - that is, Essential Well BE-ing - Peter’s approach focuses on personal, business, relational and spiritual coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For more information contact pvajda@spiritheart.net or phone 770.804.9125

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Written by Jafree Ozwald and Margot Zaher
www.EnlightenedBeings.com

You don’t have to search very far to find your greatest teacher. He or she is already in your life now. Your teacher comes to visit you when you least expect it and shows up in the form of a “trigger”.

The trigger we are referring to is that which bothers you the most about your loved ones, colleagues, family and friends. It’s that special thing that they say, do, react to, or constantly repeat which no matter what you do, always drives you bananas!

Perhaps they act superior, judgmental, ignore you, are selfish, or just chewing their gum with their mouth open. Whatever it is that sets off that atomic reaction of upset inside you is here to teach you how to become so big and full of Universal presence that you transcend it.

Each time you get triggered, you’re being asked to grow beyond your normal limiting beliefs and discover a deeper cavern of peace at the very core of your being.

“When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful.” ~ Gary Zukav & Linda Francis

If your mind is open, you can see that anyone and anything can be your teacher. A teacher is whatever points you back inside yourself, so that you may stop living on the periphery of your mind and its thoughts. Discovering how to approach a teacher-trigger is one of the most empowering and life transforming gifts you can give yourself.

You see, all the beliefs, ideas and judgments that cause you to get angry, sad or simply freak out are doorways to the Divine. Each upsetting thought is only keeping you from experiencing each moment as sacred because you are not truly welcoming it and open to letting in the expansive lesson it has to teach you.

Everything is pointing you back inside to seeing your Divine Nature because the Divine Source is within everything! How could it be otherwise? The mind may think the opposite, yet the truth is that the Universe ultimately wants you to experience yourself as outrageous love, radical inner peace and inspired creativity!

By allowing yourself to really feel your triggered feelings you can honestly explore that exquisite divine energy that within and beneath this now moment. The day you devote your life to revealing this powerful truth, you will start looking forward to the next time that special someone triggers you.

“We create a whirlwind in our lives so that when we sit back and chill our life feels that much better.” ~Sri Eric Lee

By honoring and acknowledging these people who trigger you as teachers, their presence no longer offends you. The second you see them your heart opens and you can enjoy the precious teaching that is coming your way.

Instead of projecting or blaming these people for being a certain way, ask yourself “How is this really ALL about me?” In this asking you will find so much richness, gratitude and self-realization that you will discover the divine depth of who you truly are.

It is only through deep self-inquiry that you penetrate the illusions and judgments of the mind and can open yourself up to the infinite being you actually are. Only through owning that your judgments are always projections of something you aren’t at peace with inside yourself will this perceived “negative” quality in them magically disappear!

By bowing down to honor your triggering teachers you regain the power to sit back and observe any ridiculous reaction you may have pounded them with, instead of being enslaved by it.

“When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, “I am the watcher, I am not sadness,” and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them.” ~ Osho

It’s good to know that your triggers are often very sneaky slippery teachers. They will come in all forms and sizes, and can be difficult to see. You can spend months, years, or even decades letting a trigger run your life instead of realizing that it is the most holy of teachers showing you the way back home to yourself.

The easiest way to notice that a trigger-teacher has graced you with its presence is to pay close attention to what happens in your body. Anytime your body becomes tense, contracted, and shut down, you have encountered an opportunity to learn a powerful freeing life lesson.

So please, for the goodness of creating more peace on this planet, the next time you get triggered, sit down, close your eyes and look inside. Look for the deeper spiritual part of you that is already FREE from this horrific bodily contraction. If you do this, the next time that trigger arises it will be a tad less painful and contain a ton more spiritual awareness.

Here are 3 powerful techniques that will help you turn your triggers into teachers:

1. When triggered, bring all of your awareness to your breath. Breathing supports you in re-centering. By focusing on your breath you can remain distant enough to truly observe those deeper memories and negative feelings that are creating the trigger. The deeper and slower you can breathe, the more present you’ll become to this divine being underneath it all.

By watching the air move in and out of your body you are 100 times less likely to get trapped in your head making up some unhappy story about yourself and them. When you are tuning into your breath you are more capable of experiencing that which never dies (your soul) and transcend this old unconscious habit of negative re-programming.

2. In your mind, bow down and kiss the feet of the person who triggers you. If you really want to become 100% “trigger-free” actually physically kiss the feet of the person the moment they trigger you. Doing this there is no way you can continue with your old judgment and reaction.

If your ego cannot bare to stoop down to this level, simply do it within your mind. Imaging you are kissing their feet tells your ego that they truly are your teacher and blessed guru. Then every message that they speak afterwards you will actually be able to hear the Divine teaching pouring through them.

3. Thank the person who triggers you. You can do this as well in your mind, yet it’s 10 times more effective out loud. Each time someone makes you angry tell them, “Thank you”.

You are not thanking them for that mean thing they did or said, you’re giving them appreciation for pointing you inside to see where YOU still need to grow. Whenever you send gratitude you stop buying into that enticing story that makes you a victim in your life, and you slowly unravel the illusion of your trigger and stop your ego from believing it to be true.

Through gratitude you will see that deep deep down on a soul level, you signed up for this person to awaken you in this lifetime. You will remember that they have always been a friend on your side, here to wake you up out of your suffering. With appreciation, nobody can have power over you. Through honest gratitude, you are finally able to become the master of your mind and your life!

It’s good to remember that you are this pure consciousness that can never be disturbed by someone else’s thoughts, behaviors, or actions. You my friend can EASILY remember that you are this divine eternal presence everyday!

Each trigger you receive only serves as a wake up call leading you back to realizing the vast Divine consciousness is who you truly are. So what a blessing to be triggered! What an opportunity to radically reveal the Divine light within you, and inside all of your loved ones. Enjoy!!

Transform your life in the most miraculous way!! Experience the world’s most effective manifesting techniques in our 90 Day Manifesting Program! www.ManifestingVibration.com

Many Enlightening Triggers are Headed Your Way!
Margot Zaher and Jafree Ozwald.
www.EnlightenedBeings.com

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Whether you are in a relationship that has just begun or one that began decades ago, if you are not satisfied with the behaviors you are shown, simply change your response to those behaviors, and a reaction will result.

Your partner’s reaction will have to change to reflect the changes in your attitudes, your guidelines and boundaries.

All you can change is you.

All you can control and manipulate

is your own choice.

You can react to what you are shown,

or you can leave the source of discomfort in your life.

For as you change, as you grow, your reactions do as well. You break the cycle of dysfunction within a relationship when you choose to respond in a new, more highly evolved fashion.

When you love another, your communication of self-love is what allows the love to flow between you. Not a wall, not a game, not a punishment, not lashing out, not carrying on hysterically, but only love of self communicates what you see, feel, or observe to be beyond the boundary of what you will tolerate. When you whine, beg, plead, cry, yell, scream, throw, hit, or lash out, your actions do not deserve the respect you ultimately are entitled to.

But when you openly and calmly share anything that displeases you, anything that causes you to feel unvalued or unappreciated, then you have genuine communication. Then you have friendship, understanding, respect for each other’s feelings, and the integrity to preserve the good you have found. Build a new bridge of understanding over the turbulent waters of confusion and pain. Allow past hurts and pains to flow out of your system and out of the dynamic of your relationship by sharing truth honestly, deeply, and purely When you both do that, truth and understanding will replace chaos and pain.

Melting the walls that stand between you

Much of the discord couples experience comes from fear of exposing their true feelings – their love, fears, doubts, insecurities – their true selves. So they hide their truth behind ego, pride, defense mechanisms, stories, lies, and games instead of communicating authentically.

When you do this, it robs you of your own solid foundation, your feelings of strong self-worth, self-respect, and high self-esteem. When you are too afraid to expose the real you, then you play the games that destroy a genuine healthy relationship or romantic friendship. But as you heal and realize there is nothing so terrible to hide, you then begin to feel more secure to share your truth. As you do this, you reinforce your self-worth and, at the same time, you reinforce the relationship’s foundation with truth.

When two people love, they have a common ground from which to build a new foundation based on trust, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. Yet, there must be compromise. One cannot yield all the time. Satisfaction of needs, wants, requests, and desires must be reciprocal.

Think about the word “relationship.” Relate your concerns and feelings on the ship of your making, so you may travel together on a sea of understanding.

If you begin a relationship with a pre-set agenda, you will find that you are not being your real self. You act the way you think the other wants you to act. You toss aside many of your goals, interests, dreams, and aspirations because you think that doing so will allow you to “get” this man or this woman.

And in that process you steal the foundation of your truth, of your core, from your very self, and you prevent the other from knowing your inner beauty.

Like so many people, you may try to be perfect at the beginning of a relationship. You try to look your best, act your best, feel your best. But you leave out the most important ingredient: the real you, which is the best you. Like so many people, you think that if you showed the real you, your potential partner would surely run, leaving skid marks on the way.

What is so wrong or terrible with the real you?

Perfection is not exciting. It is boring.

If you always try to be perfect, you create discomfort with the other person and actually prevent the growth of true friendship and intimacy.

Where are her moods? Doesn’t he ever get angry? Does she always look so perfect? Doesn’t he ever have a bad day? Why can’t she show me she gets mad? Doesn’t he have any real feelings? Is she always so intellectual? Does he really have a heart? Where is it? How can I show my real self if he or she doesn’t do it too?

You see, when you both present your real and genuine selves to each other, you lay a solid foundation from which you can develop an honest and meaningful friendship or romance with one another.

You may know that many times people will test others to see what they will put up with, what they will tolerate. Testers want to find out how much they can get away with. They also want to know whether the testees have enough respect and regard for themselves to put the testers in their place if they cross the line.

Sometimes the one you date

wants to see that you have guts,

that you are not a spineless wimp,

that you do have self-respect,

that you will only tolerate being treated

with common decency and respect.

So, show it!

If others say something to you that strikes a Chord within, and you don’t like the feelings you are getting as a result of their words or actions, you must speak up and say so. Now.

You can say it gently and graciously,

but make sure that it is said.

By speaking up, you honor and preserve your self-esteem, your personal dignity. Others then know how you feel as a result of what they did or said, and they know what you are requesting of them; it then becomes their choice as to whether they will honor your personal boundaries.

Each person is entitled to all of his or her own beliefs, opinions, preferences, joys, and individuality.

You do not own others; they are not your property. You share your time or your life together. As you learned in nursery school, sharing is giving; it is not taking, and it is not demanding that another does it all your way.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X

Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of nine books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!, Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, and Know Yourself. She is an internationally recognized expert in personal transformation, relationships, consciousness and spiritual awakening, and a pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication, the nondenominational study and integration of humanity’s God Nature into modern personal growth and spiritual evolution. Dr. Rose is known for providing life changing answers, quick practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide as the Founder and Director of IHSC, Institute of Higher Self Communication. Her highly acclaimed books, public speaking events, spiritual intensives, teleseminars, webcasts, and internationally published articles have transformed the lives of thousands across the globe. Dr. Rose works in cooperation with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift the spiritual consciousness of humanity.

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This poem is very close to my heart. My husband wrote it for me when we were courting. I might be biased, but to me, it’s the most beautiful poem in the world.

We celebrate 5 months of being married today. So here’s a little link love for the man I adore…

The Firefly

And yes, I will start writing again soon. It’s been too long

Popularity: 18% [?]

The Tacky World Of Full-time Victims

Copyright © Vulcanmind

There is a certain class of people who have jinxed all possibilities of a fruitful and satisfying love life. There is no hope for them in terms of full-fledged relationships – they lack the necessary equipment and are limited to bouncing from one futile rebound caper to another – and to a series of breakups and one-night stands.

They are the victims – the ones whose loves lives are little more than self-fulfilling prophesies of doom. At a subconscious level, they have judged themselves to be flawed. For whatever reason, they do not see themselves as anything worth relating to, falling in love with and cherishing. It may be because their parents told them they are useless; it may be because they have chronic sexual performance anxiety; it may be because they are the ignored younger siblings of a sexpot sister or hunky brother; it may be because they simply have no life. Whatever the reason is, they do not see a love relationship as a desirable destination – the only thing that fascinates them is the dubious pleasure of a perilous journey down a thorn-raddled road.

Such as state of self is, of course, an untenable thing to allow to percolate into complete awareness. One likes to believe, after all, that one is basically better than everyone else, only misunderstood – a gem consistently mistaken to be an ugly piece of rock. We can’t have ourselves owning up to the fact that we are somehow at FAULT, now can we? After all, we have to live with ourselves even if nobody else wants to. We have to look in that mirror and see someone we can respect, don’t we?

No, we can’t. And even though we know for a fact (deep down there where there’s no escape from the truth) that our current outlook on life has rendered us mangled goods, we got to go through the motions of getting into a relationship, now don’t we? After all, all life’s a stage, we’re all actors on it and EVERYONE’S WATCHING TO SEE HOW WE PERFORM, right? Nobody has anything better to do, right?

Also, there’s this yammering little aspect down there below the belt that won’t shut up no matter HOW much we tell it that it’s no use, that it’s just gonna have to starve to death ‘cause Daddy/Mommy doesn’t have what it takes to provide. Yessir, it’s the good old human sex drive – and no, it won’t shut up. The sex drive is a brainless thing and doesn’t care about any conflicts between what you are, your self-perception and the way people actually react to you. It just says “GIMME” and sure enough, there you go… looking for a relationship you have already condemned to death even before it is born.

When a victim gets into a relationship, everything seems fine and dandy in the beginning. The unsuspecting partner often does sense something sinister squirming below the surface, but usually passes it off as a very understandable nervous reaction to his/her patented sex appeal (my dad used to tell me of the perfect business model – buy someone for what he’s worth and sell him for what he THINKS he’s worth, and you’ll ALWAYS make a profit.)

Two months down the line, both the victim and the victim’s victim have a situation. The victim has his/her true act onstage by then – the act of a self-perceived loser trying to justify yet another loss by putting the blame of the rapidly unraveling situation on the other. The victim’s victim is spending a large chunk off time fending of inexplicable arrows dispatched from inexplicable positions in true guerilla style. The victim’s victim has probably gone through a period of serious self-doubt by then – “Am I really such a bastard / bitch?”, “Were those really my intentions?”

More often than not, the victim’s victim has a better perception of himself/herself than the victim, and eventually tells the victim to take his/her pitiful martyr act and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Bingo, alone again. “The prophecy has been fulfilled once more, Lawd – how could I ever doubt you? I will NEVER question your will for me again – and I know your will is that I spend my life miserable and alone.”

For such people, repeatedly generated abstinence from everything that makes life worth living, finally becomes not only a necessity, but a virtue of some kind. “Here I am on my cross, crucified for the sins of than sonofabitch / bitch who doesn’t know how to treat a woman / man right. This is my purpose in life. This is what I born for. Look upon me, all you sinners – see how you made the innocent, blameless suffer.”

I am reminded of a phenomenon that the media have observed here in India – that of professional refugees. India is a largish piece of real estate that is prone to all sorts of natural disasters. In fact, because political greed eats into a large chunk of funds allotted to technological safeguards, it is prone to man-made disasters as well. Fairly spectacular shit hits the fan every now and then – tsunamis, earthquakes, gas leaks, communal riots, you name it, we have it on our calendar this year. Of course, whatever Government happens to be top dog at these times announces that it is dispensing relief to the victims.

Well, certain reporters have noted the fact that the many familiar faces seem to turn up at each disaster site, just in time to lap up the Government goodies. These are professional refugees who keep track of such events and make sure they’re there to stand up and be counted.

What has that got to do with our relationship victims, you ask? Plenty. There’s a payoff for being a doomed love martyr – you get to wallow in loads of self-pity, can absolve yourself of many of the activities of daily living because you are ‘depressed’, and have a ready catchment of like-minded wet ends who will gladly sit down to wail with you that all men are bastards / all women are bitches.

Vulcanmind is one of us, but he doesn’t see much point in confessing to that fact. Forever amazed at the human condition, yet never despairing - it sure makes for an interesting case study…

Popularity: 36% [?]

If you’ve been reading this blog regularly, you’ll notice that I have been writing a lot less frequently of late. Part of it has to do with the fact that I’ve moved house (temporarily, till my old one is rebuilt), and cleared out a lot of clutter in my life. I’ve also fallen deeply in love and am enjoying every moment of it.

That’s what happens when you clear out old energy, my healer, Leo, would say. So it’s a time for new beginnings and new possibilities. And I’m open to all the Universe has to offer me.

However, these days I do not feel the urge to write as much as assimilate new information. I’ve been spending a lot of time in renewal - exercising, reading and meditating. Looking inward, learning new ways of being.

I feel more at peace with myself than I’ve ever felt, more accepting of my flaws and of others, but also more selective of the people and influences I allow into my life.

I also feel the need to take a sabbatical from writing this blog, because, as any good farmer knows, there are times when you need to let the fields lie fallow, so they grow fertile for new growth.

I promise to be back soon. Till then I wish you Joy and Abundance in 2008.

Fields Lie Fallow 
By Intensity

How can we expect people
To feel the need to protect the earth
When they can’t even see it
Smell it or feel it
Only when we come back to living as part of nature
Instead of trying to live above it
Will we understand it’s true value
And the need to protect it
Our earth is just a landfill
Constantly being stuffed full of waste
As fields lie fallow, cities grow
As fields lie fallow, cities grow
As fields lie fallow, cities grow

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How many of us are looking for a man to make us feel good about ourselves? We think, As soon as I get a man, I’ll be happy; my life will be perfect.

This attitude reminds me of a quote: Half a woman will attract half a man. In other words, a woman who feels incomplete or inadequate will attract a man who is equally incomplete or inadequate.

Contrary to popular belief, relationships are not 50-50 propositions. We should enter into relationships as whole beings prepared to give (and receive) 100 percent.

So what does it mean to be whole? For starters, it doesn’t mean being perfect. Wholeness is a state of being. We reach this stage in life when we are no longer looking for someone or something to complete us.

We’re whole once we realize we already possess everything we want or need on the inside of us. We come into a conscious awareness that there is no lack in our lives. We recognize that we are complete and no one can add to or take way anything from our life. In our wholeness, we know that our life is what we make it.

Therefore, a whole and complete woman doesn’t depend on others to make her feel good about herself. She doesn’t seek validation from others. Her sense of purpose, well-being and identity doesn’t come from anything outside of herself, including a relationship.

She is content with her life. She truly loves herself and manifests joy and happiness she desires. She doesn’t expect others to make her feel that way.

When you’re whole, you never say, I’ll be happy when I have a man. Instead you say, Yes, I want a relationship. Even though I don’t have one right now, I will enjoy and love myself in this moment.

The people we attract to our lives are a reflection of who we are. So if you want someone who will love and honor you, you must first love and honor yourself. A joyful, loving, healthy relationship begins with you.

Rosslyn Champ is a poet, author and teacher. She is the founder of http://liveloveandprosper.com Her personal development site offers a variety of articles, booklets and other resources that provide a holistic, common sense approach to helping people achieve success in all areas of life.

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In the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of energy work, and made a number of breakthroughs in the meditation course I did with Leo.

But there were some emotions I hadn’t been willing to deal with, and I felt tied to the past with cords of residual anger, resentment and unforgiveness. I knew that, as long as I harboured these feelings, I would find it hard to make the progress I needed to make.

Meditation wasn’t helping release my emotions, and I knew that it was going to take nothing less than a paradigm change to change the way I felt about my past. A few days ago, I got my breakthrough, felt that change happen, and my entire resonance shifted to a much happier vibration.

What spurred this change was recalling a belief I have long harboured, about what new age teachers like Caroline Myss, call Sacred Contracts.

A Sacred Contract is an ancient notion that our souls enter into a kind of contract before birth, that we agree to have various human experiences, and even to encounter certain people in order to learn lessons. As Caroline Myss explains in this interview,

We make contracts before we incarnate. We make contracts that are directed toward our personal empowerment, toward the expansion of our hearts, and toward the expansion of our contribution to the group soul of humanity.

The contracts and negotiations your soul has made, form the texture of your life. You make arrangements for certain commitments, for opportunities to meet certain people, to be certain places, but what you do and how you are when you get there, that’s where choice comes in.

If you know the contracts you made before you were born, you will find it easier to discern your life’s purpose.

When you begin to see your life from this perspective, you realise that YOU CHOSE all the experiences you have had in this life, and all the people you have met are your “soul supporters” who agreed to play a role to help your personality and soul grow and expand in this lifetime.

So how does this understanding help you live a happier life? By helping us realise that everything is happening as it should, based on your thinking and the choices you make, as the article here notes. For me, the key to releasing the past was GRATITUDE.

When you look at your life without gratitude, you can’t appreciate how everything is trying to come together to get you to the next place. Realize every life has something special to offer and your real job is to figure that out.

We all have contracts to meet certain people in our lives. If you allow yourself to see how that person has helped you grow, you can learn about yourself and find the reason you were meant to know that person in the first place.

Seen in that light, there is really nothing you can feel but GRATITUDE, for all the experiences - good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, loving and abusive - that you have gone through. And, in the instant that all your feelings of anger, resentment and unforgiveness are TRANSFORMED to Gratitude, you become FREE from the effects of the past.

Although I’ve always believed in Sacred Contracts, I had never really assimilated it into my life in this manner, perhaps because, on some level, my ego didn’t want to let go of wanting to be right. But, wanting to be right gives away my power, prevents me from taking responsibility for my life, and makes me a victim. And that’s not how I want to define myself EVER!

Wanting to be right creates anger and resentment, the very emotions that keep us bound in the past, and prevent us from healing. Harbouring resentment and refusing to forgive others is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment, harboured over a long time, causes cancer, writes Louise Hay, in You Can Heal Your Body.

It was very empowering to realise that everything I have experienced is based on Sacred Contracts that I chose for myself, because it made me realise how futile it was to hold on my anger and resentment towards the people who hurt me. Especially when I know now, that they are my soul supporters - the ones I made a contract with to help me grow in this lifetime.

And now, when I look back at everything I have experienced in my life, I know that some of my most painful experiences were the most life-changing ones - the ones that helped me grow and learn to love and accept myself for who I am. The person I am today is because I went through each and every one of those experiences.

I know I’ve truly released my past when I can finally look back on EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in it with gratitude, and say, “Thanks for the memories.”

More about Sacred Contracts:

Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential

Myss espouses the ancient notion that our souls enter into a kind of contract before birth that we agree to have various human experiences and even to encounter certain people in order to learn lessons. The author includes a technique for arriving at 12 archetypes that rule different areas of our life from career to sex to our highest aspirations.

Secrets about Life Every Woman Should Know : Ten Principles for Total Emotional and Spiritual Fulfillment

I finished reading this book by Barbara de Angelis a while ago and I recommend that every woman read it. De Angelis incudes in the beginning of the book, a chapter on Sacred Contracts, which I think is very apt, because it helps us see our entire life through a very empowering perspective.

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I received this beautiful story today about seeing the Divine in everyone, and wanted to share it with you. (Source: Amit Shah)

There’s an old story about a group of monks living with their master in a Tibetan monastery. Their lives were disciplined and dedicated, and the atmosphere in which they lived harmonious and peaceful. People from villages far and wide flocked to the monastery to bask in the warmth of such a loving spiritual environment.

Then one day the master departed his earthly form. At first the monks continued on as they had in the past, but after a time, the discipline and devotion that had been hallmarks of their daily routine slackened. The number of villagers coming through the doors each day began to drop, and little by little, the monastery fell into a state of disrepair.

Soon the monks were bickering among themselves, some pointing fingers of blame, others filled with guilt. The energy within the monastery walls crackled with animosity.

Finally, the senior monk could take it no longer. Hearing that a spiritual master lived as a hermit two days walk away, the monk wasted no time in seeking him out. Finding the master in his forest hermitage, the monk told him of the sad state the monastery had fallen into and asked his advice.

The master smiled. ‘There is one living among you who is the incarnation of God. Because he is being disrespected by those around him, he will not show himself, and the monastery will remain in disrepair.’ With those words spoken, the master fell silent and would say no more.

All the way back to the monastery, the monk wondered which of his brothers might be the Incarnated One.

‘Perhaps it is Brother Jaspar who does our cooking,’ the monk said aloud. But then a second later thought, ‘No, it can’t be him. He is sloppy and ill tempered and the food he prepares is tasteless.’

‘Perhaps our gardener, Brother Timor, is the one,’ he then thought. This consideration, too, was quickly followed by denial. ‘Of course not’ he said aloud. ‘God is not lazy and would never let weeds take over a lettuce patch the way Brother Timor has.’

Finally, after dismissing each and every one of his brothers for this fault or that, the senior monk realized there were none left. Knowing it had to be one of the monks because the master had said it was, he worried over it a bit before a new thought dawned. ‘Could it be that the Holy One has chosen to display a fault in order to disguise himself?’ he wondered. ‘Of course it could! That must be it!’

Reaching the monastery, he immediately told his brothers what the master had said and all were just as astonished as he had been to learn the Divine was living among them.

Since each knew it was not himself who was God Incarnate, each began to study his brothers carefully, all trying to determine who among them was the Holy One. But all any of them could see were the faults and failings of the others. If God was in their midst, he was doing a fine job of hiding himself. Finding the Incarnated One among such rubble would be difficult, indeed.

After much discussion, it was finally decided that they would all make an effort to be kind and loving toward each another, treating all with the respect and honor one would naturally give to the Incarnated One. If God insisted on remaining hidden, then they had no recourse but to treat each monk as if he were the Holy One.

Each so concentrated on seeing God in the other that soon their hearts filled with such love for one another the chains of negativity that held them bound fell away. As time passed, they began seeing God not just in each other, but in every one and everything. Days were spent in joyful reverence, rejoicing in His Holy Presence. The monastery radiated this joy like a beacon and soon the villagers returned, streaming through the doors as they had before, seeking to be touched by the love and devotion present there.

It was some time later that the senior monk decided to pay the master another visit to thank him for the secret he had revealed.

‘Did you discover the identity of the Incarnated One?’ the master asked.

‘We did,’ the senior monk replied. ‘We found him residing in all of us.’

The master smiled.

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We humans love to label stuff. Perhaps we do this to understand our environment and ourselves better. In some fields, like biology, labels and classifications work, because they are based on a reductionistic approach and view life-forms as separate.

Most life-forms don’t care about being labelled. It doesn’t make a difference to them whether they’re called cephalopods or arthropods. But for humans, being labelled is judgmental and a display of prejudice.

Here are just a few of ways we use labels for ourselves and our fellow humans:

• Race (African, Asian, Caucasian)
• Religion (Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew)
• Country (Indian, Pakistani, British, American)
• Cultural (Eastern, Western)
• Gender (Male, Female)
• Skin colour (Fair, dark, white, black, brown)
• Looks (beautiful, ugly, plain)
• Body type (tall, short, thin, fat, obese)
• Income (rich, poor, upper class, lower class)
• Intelligence (genius, average, retard)
• Personality (Type A/B, depressed, borderline, psychotic, schizoid, ADHD)
• Profession (lawyer, accountant, doctor, writer, singer, actor)
• Marital status (married, single, divorced, widowed)

Psychologists and marketers love this sort of segmentation, because it helps them serve their clients in more effective ways.

The question I want to ask is - exactly how does it help to label ourselves according to the definitions above? Do we need a label in order to identify with the human race? Aren’t we doing ourselves and others an injustice when we label people we interact with?

The labels above are the more benign ones we use everyday. But labelling imposes huge limitations on us, especially when we learn them during our impressionable years (early childhood and our teenage years).

Labels such as kaali (dark) or “stupid”, or beliefs that the boy-child is more precious than the girl-child, have scarred the self-image of many innocent children, creating self-hate and insecurity as adults.

If you must label a child, do it in a positive way. Teach her to accept herself, show her that she is beautiful, and point out the features that make her unique and special.

As babies, we are born pure and untouched by prejudice. We learn segregation, racism, communalism, colour-consciousness, and other such bigoted views from our parents, community and society. We learn to react to the physicalities and personalities of others, rather than respond to their souls.

The soul knows no labels. It is neither male not female, black nor white. It has no race or religion. It is pure Spirit and knows it is one with the Universe. It is at a level where there are no distinctions or separate identities.

Labels, like the ones above, are imposed by the Ego (Personality). But at the level of the Higher Self (Soul), we are all the same, and there is no use for labels.

As evolving beings, we must learn to see each other at the soul level. And we can only do that when we learn to act from our Higher Self, when we treat ourselves and our fellow humans (since, on the soul level, we are all one) with compassion and acceptance.

But what of those who try to harm us?

Do not try to change them. Realise that they are only acting from their own fear and pain. Setting boundaries is a way of showing compassion and refusing to take on the pain of others. Everyone has their lessons to learn. When we take on the task of changing others, we are not doing them a favour, because they will never learn their lessons.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Tolerance is something that has been sold to Indians for ages, under the guise of secularism. But tolerance is just suppressed resentment. And resentment is bound to erupt in hate at some point.

It is not tolerance, but acceptance we have to work towards. Acceptance based on the knowledge that we are not separate beings, but different parts of the same being. Non-acceptance of each other stems from non-acceptance of our self, and fear of our dark side.

Nowadays, when I notice myself being judgmental of others, I take a step back and look inside myself to see which part of me I am refusing to accept. I then make peace with that part of me, and learn to be compassionate with my own flaws.

From unconditional self-acceptance comes healing, and compassion and acceptance for others.

When we refuse to label ourselves as fat or thin, pretty or ugly, dark or fair, we will learn to see our true inner beauty. And, since our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world, the beauty within will be reflected in our lives and in our world.

Recommended Reading:

Unconditional Self Acceptance

I am a great fan of Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher and author. In this audiobook she uses various guided meditations, exercises and reflections to help the listener get in touch with their deepest self and get a better understanding of their conditioned responses while learning self compassion.

Some of her other books that touch upon this subject are

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline

We are conditioned to think that if we were only a little better in some way, we would be happy. But, Huber says, no amount of self-punishment will ever make us happy or bring us control over life’s problems. The help we are looking for is really found in self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Compassionate self-discipline € the will to take positive steps in life € is found through nothing other than being present.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.

Transcendent Beauty: It Begins with a Single Choice…to Be!

I am currently reading this book authored by Crystal Andrus - a woman who is beautiful, both inside and out. She shows us that while most people talk about attractiveness as being merely physical, true beauty definitely comes from the soul. She teaches you to let your inner beauty shine by becoming comfortable with who you are and taming your ego - that critical, fearful voice in your head.

See a selection of resources on Inner Child Healing

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