Soul Kadee

Has feminism left us confused about the roles we play as men and women in today’s society? To some extent, I believe it has. It’s made women like us more focused on action, which in terms of energy, is yang or masculine. Feminine, or yin energy, on the other hand is about being, about receiving.

Yet, in a modern world where women are increasingly taking on male roles, it’s becoming harder to balance our feminine energy with the roles we must play in our careers and relationships. We’re not as comfortable with receiving, with leaning back, and allowing men to express their masculinity, as the women of yesteryears were.

In some ways it has benefited us because too much passivity (yin) invites abusive behaviour. Too much yang energy, on the other hand, is repelling. The key to healthier interactions, then, is striking a balance, and knowing how to express our energies in an appropriate manner at work and home.

From advice on how to avoid overfunctioning in relationships, to being a woman boss who commands respect without having to act like a man, to being proactive about your personal safety, the articles in this issue will try to address that imbalance.

In the month of July 2007, Naaree.com will hold a workshop on self-defense for women, so if you live in Mumbai, please register on the site to receive updates. Till next time, we’ll celebrate the arrival of the monsoon as it cools down the subcontinent and the earth bursts into greenery once more.

Read the June issue of Naaree.com: Expressing The Feminine

Popularity: 15% [?]

What we resist, persists.
- Sonia Johnson, American feminist, activist and writer.

I just got my copy of The Secret (DVD) today, and as I was watching it, the teachers happened to discuss a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot recently - that FIGHTING AGAINST anything (war, corruption, drugs, global warming) doesn’t work.

I have a strong personal belief that states, If you don’t like something, don’t complain about it. Change it. That’s because, the more attention you give something you don’t want - the more you complain about it, fight it, write about it, protest against it - the more you invite it into your consciousness, and your life.

It was not the Secret that taught me this, but my own experience as an environmental activist and journalist. I’ve written on environmental issues since 1996, and I realised, as most activists did, that we were fighting a losing battle, as far as many issues (like global warming) were concerned.

But, I also realised that focusing on the bad news and the disasters wasn’t helping. So, whenever I researched an issue I was covering, I decided to also give balanced coverage to the solutions that local groups and NGOs were exploring to challenges like pollution, deforestation and water scarcity.

I found a great deal of good news amongst all the depressing news that was covered in the mainstream media (MSM). The good news rarely enters public consciousness, because bad news makes better news, as far as MSM is concerned. One reason I avoid MSM (or scan through the headlines at most) is because I believe that, while it’s good to stay informed, it’s even better to be selective about the thoughts that you let into your mind.

As the Law Of Attraction states, what we focus on, expands. So, if your focus is on FIGHTING AGAINST the forces that create war, poverty, environmental degradation, you’ll only ATTRACT MORE of the same. And so,

• The War on Terror spawns more terror.
• Anti-war protests create more war and hatred.
• Protests against communalism create more hate.
• Focusing on your spouse’s faults creates more unhappiness in marriage.

If you want to use the secret of deliberate creation to create a world you desire, stop paying so much attention to what’s wrong with the world, and focus on the good you can do instead. Here are some ways you can make a difference by changing your focus right now.

• Don’t be Anti-War. Be Pro-Peace.
  
• Don’t fight the interests that create global warming. Focus on making alternative energy sources more profitable.
  
• Don’t fight against corruption. Focus on creating transparency and public accountability.
  
• Don’t fight against communal forces. Promote tolerance, love and understanding.
  
• If you’re in a relationship, don’t nag your significant other to change her/his ways. Focus on how good s/he makes you feel instead.
  
• And (this goes out especially to the Mumbai police) stop cracking down on kanoodling couples in love. Focus on freeing Mumbai of real criminals instead.

Like the Beatles, I believe that “All We Need Is Love.” And that the war on terror can only be countered with a Campaign for Love. Perhaps it’s time to send George W a copy of The Secret…

The LOA teachers state that one positive thought is many, many times more powerful than a negative thought. So focus on love and happiness. Will it help you change the world? Who knows? All I can guarantee is that it’ll make you feel sooooo good.

Join the Campaign For Love here (site under construction).

Popularity: 12% [?]

Problems cannot be solved
at the same level of awareness that created them.
- Albert Einstein

The Law of Attraction teaches that, to change your circumstances, you must change the way you think and feel. To attract something or someone into your life, you must raise your vibrational frequency to match that of the object you desire.

So how DO you raise your vibration? Simply by choosing experiences that raise your emotional set point, or as the teachers call it, following your bliss. As Sherry Binkelman explains in her article, Raising Your Vibration,

The influences upon which we focus our attention or thoughts are those that determine or define our vibration. Negative vibrations are associated with the lower chakras, with what we consider to be “negative” emotions or feelings, including hatred, anger, doubt, fear (of loss, lack, failure) jealousy, envy, judgment, (both judgment of others and self-judgment) impatience, disharmony, imbalance, insecurity. Positive vibrations are those such as love, harmony, peace, balance, kindness, understanding, compassion. Our vibration attracts to us experiences of like vibration, and also attracts to us people who are of the same vibrational frequency.

Many LOA books, including the ones by Abraham-Hicks, offer processes (22, no less) to raise your vibration to one of optimism and joy, at which point you start to manifest your desires.

It’s really not as complicated as it seems. Instinctively, we all know what we need to feel good. But, blissing out doesn’t mean using drugs, alcohol or prescription meds as uppers. That’s just a way of avoiding your issues, and will ultimately land you in rehab.

Following your bliss is about CHOOSING to be happy, choosing to be in a state of joy and love, as much as possible. It’s about doing work that you’re passionate about, being with people who help you grow and thrive, and choosing experiences that take you to a higher place.

Here’s a list of my personal favourite ways to raise my vibration. Perhaps you can relate to some of them, too.

1. Solitude: This is essential for me, because as an introvert, highly sensitive person, empath, being around people for too long drains me and makes me very crabby. I really need my space, and my time alone helps me recharge my batteries.

2. Reading a good book: As a child, my only escape from the reality of my unhappy existence was to create a fantasy world (helped a great deal by the creations of Enid Blyton, Richmal Crompton, Hans Christian Anderson, the Grimm brothers and Robert Louis Stevenson) of heroes, pirates, detectives and dragon-slayers. I spent my entire childhood daydreaming and visualising - valuable skills that I now make full use of, since they work so well in manifestation. In recent times, I’ve become a fan of audiobooks, as well, because they help me absorb information much faster. Besides providing fodder for my fertile imagination, books have introduced me to the thoughts and ideas of great men and women, and helped me learn many lessons without having to experience them for myself.

3. Meditation, Affirmations, Energy work: The reason I talk about these methods so much is because my life changed a great deal since I started using them. They helped me tune into my emotional guidance system, and my inner guidance, and start making better choices based on my intuition. I use meditation everyday for grounding and clearing my energy, and affirmations to keep my thoughts happy and positive. I just completed a meditation course with my healer, Leo, and we worked on a lot of issues, cleared up a lot of emotional baggage. And it didn’t take years of painful therapy, just 10-sessions of Leo’s powerful healing techniques (will write more about them soon). Meditation and other energy work, like Reiki (I just completed the second level), have helped me heal emotional blocks and childhood scars, which prevented me from attracting the things I desire into my life.

4. Music: Born in a family of musicians, jazz, blues and classical music on the old 48 rpm were a staple diet in our home. One of my favourite memories is of my Grandpa, Martin, entertaining us with his old ragtime numbers on our piano. Another fun family outing was visiting the theatre (we didn’t have DVDs back then) to see a Hollywood musical. I still enjoy musicals and Disney movies. Music can make me smile, laugh, even cry (though I avoid that as much as possible). It’s something I can plug into anytime, anywhere. Definitely one of my best uppers.

5. Dancing: If you’re Goan (or married to one), you can’t escape the old Latin numbers, the waltzes, the cha-chas, and the Mexican shuffle that’s a must at every wedding. Is it any wonder that Goans are happy people? In fact, I love dancing so much, I took a salsa class, and every so often, put on a CD of Latin music, or J. Lo, and groove to the beat with complete abandon. Next on my list are belly dancing and flamenco classes.

6. Exercise: This is one thing I really need to get more of. There’s nothing like a good workout, whether it involves aerobics, yoga or, my personal favourite, Tai Chi, to boost my mood. Endorphins apart, just getting off my ass and stretching my muscles can raise my vibration a few notches.

7. Laughter: I believe that laughter is one of the most spiritual things in the world. A good belly laugh makes you forget all your woes, and lifts your vibration like nothing else. Reading silly jokes forwarded by email, listening to funny stories, watching reruns of Mr. Bean, Friends, Will and Grace, Frasier, and of course, a little Leno, is a great way to wrap up the day with happy feelings.

8. A good movie: Barring horror movies, the sad ones (like Mira Nair’s Water, which, though great cinema, was horribly depressing) and the gruesome ones, I can enjoy a good movie anytime, anywhere. I loved The Pursuit of Happyness, because it ended on a happy note (even though I used up a whole tissue in the first half). I could actually feel the energy rise in the theatre when the main protagonist achieves his goal after so much hardship. I thoroughly enjoyed Dreamgirls and Shall We Dance, for the music and dance. I especially enjoy fantasy, like Bridge To Terabithia, which I must say, made a remarkably strong case for using your imagination to create your own reality. I make it a point to go see a movie (or catch one on the telly) at least once a week. It gives me a good feeling that lasts for days on end. Here’s a little something for you. Download this feel-good (and free) movie, The Secret To You, and watch it daily. It’s slickly produced, a delight to watch and will raise your vibration instantly. You’ll find more free stuff for good vibes here.

9. A long, hot bath: Who doesn’t love a long, hot bath? That must be, like, a universal upper. Just give me a tub, hot water, and some bubble bath, and I’m in heaven.

10. Getting a massage: My favourite way (though a bit expensive, at Rs 800 a pop for an experienced masseuse) to de-stress and relax. Having someone knead my tired muscles is instant bliss.

11. Being a mom: My little girl really IS the best upper a mom could ever have (when she isn’t testing my patience, that is). Watching her grow, admiring her sweet face when she’s sleeping (or is that my relief showing?), taking her on a holiday for two, listening to her child-like wisdom, sharing her joy when she learns a new tune on the piano, gets a certificate for academic achievement, or a new Barbie or game - these are some of the most memorable moments of my life. It reminds me of a line from the movie Hitch, where Will Smith’s character says, Life is not how many breaths you take, it’s how many moments take your breath away.

12. Being with people I love: I’m the kind of person who has very few close friends, some whom I’ve known since my college days. But they’re very special to me, and I make it a point to maintain these friendships, and spend quality time in the company of these special people who nurture me.

13. Watching a sunset: In a concrete jungle like Mumbai, there’s really very little of Mother Nature left to commune with. Watching the sunset at Marine Drive is the closest someone like me can get to enjoy the glory of Creation. Unless, of course, I’m holidaying in Goa.

14. Being creative: Expressing your creativity is a wonderful way of raising your vibration. Creative expression, whether in the form of art, writing, sculpture, pottery, design, or even being more creative in the workplace, is very therapeutic because it puts us in alignment with our desires. My favourite way of expressing my creativity are, writing this blog, creating new websites, and coming up with new ideas to promote them.

15. Making someone smile: Nothing compares to that wonderful feeling of joy, when you know you’ve made a difference in someone’s life. It’s then that you know your life has meaning, and that you’re in alignment with your life purpose. I’m lucky to have been blessed with many such moments, and thank the Creator for all of them.

16. Gratitude: Being thankful reminds me of another of my favourite ways to raise my vibration - and one recommended by all the LOA teachers. Spending some time everyday, appreciating and being grateful for the abundance €œ of love, wealth and joy €œ in my life, and realising how privileged I am to have all these things, never fails to bring me joy. In all my dealings with people, there are two phrases that I make it a point to use as often as possible. They are Please and Thank you. No matter how tiny the gesture, I try never to take people and their generosity for granted. And trust that they will accord me the same treatment.

17. Being good to myself: LOA teachers all agree that self-love is the first step to raising your vibe. You can’t attract anything good unless you feel good about yourself. There was a time in my life when I engaged in negative self-talk, was very harsh on myself, and put everyone else’s feelings before my own. I had a hard time saying no and allowed people to take advantage of my generosity. Today, I take care of my feelings, am learning to set stronger boundaries, say No when I need to, and love and accept myself the way I am. As Sherry explains, Loving oneself is a wonderful way to raise one’s vibration, because each thought or act of self love sends out a vibration of love to the Universe, adding to the Light.

18. Making love: Oooh yeah!

So how many of these did you relate to? And which methods do you use to raise your vibration? Do share, so we can all benefit from your experience.

Popularity: 19% [?]

My new portal for Indian women arose out of my passion for helping women empower themselves. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I’ve been learning to develop and trust my intuition or inner knowing to guide me through life.

In my effort to provide others (especially women, who are naturally intuitive) with the tools to do that, I’m organising a free workshop on intuition. The details are below, so if you live in Mumbai, do register quickly. We have limited seats.

For Immediate Release

Naaree.com Celebrates International Women’s Day With Free Intuition Workshop

7 March, 2007, Mumbai - To celebrate International Women’s Day 2007, Naaree.com is organising a free workshop, titled Develop Your Sixth Sense, with the aim of helping women get in touch with their intuition and inner guidance.

To enable career women to attend the three-hour workshop, it will be held on Sunday, 11th March, 2007, from 3 to 6 pm, at Hotel Four Seasons, near Prithvi Theatre in Juhu, Mumbai.

Intuition is now considered an essential skill necessary to successful living. Our relationships and careers can, both, benefit from our ability to trust and use our intuition in daily life.

Women are naturally intuitive beings. But in a world where five-sensory, logical and rational thinking is valued over hunches and gut feeling, many of us have learned to distrust our inner knowing. Disconnecting from this source of universal wisdom has weakened women and prevented us from reaching our full potential.

In our effort to empower everyone, and women in particular, to develop and trust their inner guidance, Naaree.com has employed the skills of psychologist and trainer Tarannum Siddiqui, in organising a Develop Your Sixth Sense workshop.

Ms. Siddiqui has over six years of experience in training and conducts regular Enlightenment workshops to help women and corporate professionals enhance their visionary skills and perceptual insight.

The workshop is open to all, irrespective of gender, and will cover the topics here.

• What is intuition?
• What type of intuitive are you?
• Take the Intuitive Test
• How to use intuition with intention at work and in relationships
• The I AM exercise
• The Telepathy game
• Discussion and sharing

For more information, and to register for the Develop Your Sixth Sense workshop, please contact Ms. Siddiqui at 9820188998. Registrations are limited, so please book your space early.

For more information about Naaree.com and our plans for future workshops, please contact us here:
Priya Florence Shah
Editor, Naaree.com
Email: priya [AT] naaree.com

Popularity: 9% [?]

Call it serendipity, but on the eve of launching Naaree.com - my portal and magazine for the new Indian woman - I came across the latest issue of The Week magazine, which profiles the New Indian Woman, as one who lives life on her own terms, is answerable to no one for her choices and is learning to take care of her own needs. Sounds a lot like moi, doesn’t it?

Some quotes from the article here:

Meet the new age working woman-fiercely independent, ambitious, focused and fun-loving. Financial independence and the need to create an identity of her own drive them to successful careers.

“If you are educated and independent, then you are capable of taking care of yourself.”

The present generation’s ‘me first’ attitude is supported by their mothers who still preach, not about boys and pre-marital sex, but about speaking up against unfair treatment. No more of the ‘we put up with it, so should you’ philosophy; now it is ‘we could not do it but you should’. “Parents are the first ones to tell their daughters to react and not take anything lying down.

“It’s not being self-centred, it is about self-happiness. If I am not satisfied, how do I keep people around me happy?”

That’s the new age woman for you. No more being apologetic about being ambitious, no more being guilty about placing herself first, no more being coy about bad marriages and relationships. The horizon has been captured, now it is time to look for greener pastures.

Today, a 27-year-old banker will not budge an inch on her personal commitments for professional reasons and vice versa while a 26-year-old would rather stay single than marry a man she is not sure of, so what if she lived with him for two years?

If, today, the glass ceiling has been shattered and women are accepted as equals in the working world, it has taken a lot of persistence and effort.

Today’s women have found a way to maintain the personal-professional balance: they delay marriage or just drop the idea completely.

The truth also is that professional success frees the woman from financial dependence, giving her a greater bargaining power in the relationship.

The article also talks about how the Indian male is yet to catch up with his partner’s liberated attitude, and how he still resists the idea of a wife who earns more than him and chooses her career over staying home with the kids.

The man, on his part, is still struggling to come to terms with this new woman who is no longer seeking his approval and when confronted with the classic ‘it’s my way or the highway’ chooses the highway.

It features interviews by ad-man, Prahlad Kakkar, who exhorts Indian men to grow up and break away from their mother’s apron strings. Whether they take his advice remains to be seen.

Great coverage by The Week! Do pick up a copy at your news stand. I’ve written a lot on these issues in the past. You can read some of my related posts here.

Naaree.com Celebrates The New Indian Woman

Stupid Mistakes Women Make

Codependence And The Indian Male

Being Single: The Joys Of Solitude

Are You Marriage Material?

Quirkyalone In Mumbai: Single And Loving It

What I Find Sexy In A Man

Believe In Yourself And Become a Winner

Popularity: 7% [?]

I’m a Quirkyalone - someone who’s content to be on her own and doesn’t feel the need to go on endless dates or be part of a couple.

I admitted as much to Debjani Ray who interviewed me for an article on Quirkyalones in Mumbai for the Sunday’s edition of DNA (Daily News And Analysis). If you can’t access it at that link, download it here.

The article erroneously put my age at 37 and my daughter’s at 6. Actually I’m 36 and she’s 7. Minor detail. Here’s one of the photos they took of me and Sara, outside Infiniti Mall in Andheri.

I enjoyed reading the opinions of the other quirkys quoted in the article, and especially agree with the guy who thinks of relationships as a way to grow and enhance our lives, not a way to escape from loneliness.

You can be lonelier in a bad relationship/marriage, than when single. Better single and happy, than married and miserable, I say. And I see a LOT of “married and miserables” around me nowadays. One more reason to remain single.

Another reason I like being single is because (as I said in the DNA article) I can’t think of sharing my personal space with another person. It would mean too much adjustment, and I don’t need that.

I love my freedom and independence, and am not willing to give that up for anyone right now. I believe in being with someone because I CHOOSE to, not because I HAVE to.

Some people might call that commitment-phobic. But marriage is a lifetime commitment. And, having been in a marriage (which, for the most part, was happy), I take commitment much too seriously to get involved with a man who doesn’t meet my standards of what I want in a partner.

Besides, I don’t know anyone who gets married thinking, “Oh, it’s not going to last anyway, so we might as well have fun for a few years and then, when we’re bored with each other, we’ll get a divorce.” I know Hollywood celebs do it all the time, but do we really need to complicate our lives for the sake of a piece of paper?

It’s not that I’m against marriage. I’m just against marrying for the WRONG reasons. And that includes:

• Feeling lonely or unloved: This comes from a lack of self-love. It’s something no one can give you but yourself. Applies to both men and women.
• Financial security: Women are guilty of this one. But, unless you have a trust fund or a rich dad, being financially independent is essential for a women. So stop letting your brain cells degenerate with those saas-bahu soaps, ladies. Put that education to use and get yourself a career.
• Respectability: No longer a valid reason to get married. Single people and courting couples now get as much respect as smug marrieds. Even in India.
• “My biological clock is ticking”: Having kids is not a good enough reason to get married nowadays. Thanks to celebs like Sushmita Sen, Madonna and Angelina Jolie, single parenting and adoption are now respectable options.
• Fear of old age: Having a spouse to take care of you or be a companion in old age is no reason to get married. Like the lady in the DNA article, I’d rather pay someone to take care of me than marry for that reason. Having a lively social life and a few good friends of my age is all the companionship I need, thank you.
• Wanting someone to “keep house”: This is the #1 reason many of you mama’s boys choose to get married. Shame on you, guys! If you want hot meals and a clean home, learn to do it yourself or pay someone to do it. Your wife is not your servant.

But I think one of the main reasons I’m so content being single is that I have no illusions about Prince Charming coming along on his white horse to save me. In case your mother forgot to tell you, THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING coming to save you. Not now! Not ever!

Not like I need saving anyway. We Aries women (think Scarlett O’Hara) are quite capable of saving his highness’ princely ass, as well as our own, thank you very much.

Sure, I believe in love, but not as an emotion. For me, love is a practice, a way of living and being. Romantic love is far too restrictive to encompass the beautiful expression of caring, giving and compassion that I call love. In a relationship, love is something that grows over time. It happens naturally and can’t be forced.

Nor am I against being in a relationship. I see relationships as a path to personal and spiritual growth. I believe that people are mirrors, reflecting back to us what we need to change in ourselves. In a relationship you learn things about yourself (and others) that you can never learn on your own.

Our partners are sent to us when we have something new to learn. When we act from our higher self and learn our lessons well, we go on to the next level of consciousness. If we choose to act from ego, the lesson will be sent to us again, till we learn it. That’s the reason patterns keep repeating in our relationships (like when you keep attracting abusive men or losers).

I cherish all my relationships, because I’ve learned and grown with each and every person I’ve encountered. And I don’t mean only lovers, although I’ve probably learned much more from them, and am grateful for every precious moment.

I believe that more and more people will choose to become quirkyalones, cohabit, or wait for marriage until they find the right partner. So is marriage a dying institution? I’ll write more on that later, but do leave your thoughts till then.

As far as being a Quirkyalone goes, like the slogan says, “I’m loving it!”

Popularity: 6% [?]

The latest issue of The Week magazine carried a rather well-written article on the quandary of the Indian male, and his inability to cope with growing demands from career and home.

The reason for this crisis has a lot to do with the way roles for men and women have been rapidly blurring in the reality of urban India’s double-income homes.

The Indian woman who seems to easily multi-task, juggling family, home and hobbies, is now demanding more from her man, including better sex.

And the Indian male doesn’t seem up to the task. Unable to cope, he is rapidly succumbing to addictions, alcohol, depression, heart-disease and suicide.

The Indian man is struggling to face his new reality. Ad-guru, Alyque Padamsee (who seems to juggle loads of pretty women quite well), and artist, Jehangir Sabavala, blame it on the Mama’s boy syndrome.

I agree wholeheartedly. A lot of Indian men (not all of them… I happen to know some wonderful, emancipated ones) are still tied to their mother’s apron strings.

Indian men don’t want a wife. They want a mother. And you can see it everywhere - in their demands, their neediness, their narsicisstic attitude. In Hindi cinema that stereotypes the suffering, enslaved wife as the ideal Indian woman.

If mother dear is not in the picture, the wife is expected to substitute, taking care of the kids, bringing in a pay packet, and serving up hot meals to hubby-dearest when he returns home. I know of marriages that have collapsed when the wife refused to comply with such insane demands.

I’m no man-hater, but I AM completely repelled by men who are codependent, needy, clingy, demanding, and think it’s their right to take a woman for granted - as if all she’s good for is to feed him, bear his kids and warm his bed at night. These sort of men just make me go “Ewwww!”

I’m glad to learn that women are standing up and demanding their rights to be treated as human beings, and have their needs met, even in the bedroom. But if men are dependent on women for food, sex and companionship, women also tend to depend on men for their emotional needs.

Indian society breeds and encourages codependence. Defined by author Robert Burney as outer or external dependence, the condition of codependence is about giving power over our self esteem to outside sources/agencies or external manifestations.

The blogger at Living With Samsara defines it as “any relationship in which one or both partner/s turn over their own autonomy for well-being into the hands of the other.” She lists some characteristics of a healthy relationship, including

• Knowing that your well-being is your responsibility
• Taking responsibility for your own feelings
• Taking care of yourself irrespective of what’s expected by others
• Allowing any person to have any thought or feeling they have without taking it personally
• Learning to say “No”
• Having boundaries and a respect for others’ boundaries even if they don’t

She also recommends Melody Beattie’s books on overcoming codependence.

Codependence can be either in the “taking” (narsicisstic) form or the “giving” (caretaking) form. In general, men lean towards the former and women towards the latter, although that’s not always the case.

Neither situation is healthy - for either sex. Since most relationships in India tend towards one or the other, dysfunctional relationships seem to rule here.

While I champion independence for Indian women, I also stress that Indian men take responsibility for their own needs. The key to discovering if you’re in a codependent relationship is to ask yourself if you can manage your own needs were the other person no more in your life.

Robert Burney notes that

Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self. With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. We try to fill the hole we feel inside of our self with something or someone outside of us - it does not work.

Margaret Paul’s book, Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child, is an amazing resource for creating a better relationship with your self and avoiding the trap of codependence.

Being independent is about respecting yourself. It’s about being whole and complete, so that you have more of yourself to share with your partner. Its about striking a balance between independence and intimacy.

A healthy relationship is one in which two people decide to be together not because they NEED each other to feel complete, but because they ENHANCE each other’s lives.

These concepts are alien to Indian men, who grow up in a cultural milieu that still advocates well-defined roles for men and women in relationships.

But I know many good men who love to cook for their partners and share household chores. Who don’t expect their partners to be responsible for their feelings.

Who take responsibility for themselves and their needs. These are the sort of men I love and respect. The truly emancipated Indian male!

Popularity: 8% [?]

One of the reasons I admire Angelina Jolie is that she’s totally comfortable with her dark side. I also admire her talent, guts and compassion, but that’s the subject of another post.

All of us have a dark side - flaws and behaviours that prevent us from being our best selves, that we would rather not admit to having, and that we often keep hidden even from ourselves.

Becoming aware of our flaws and eccentricities can make us feel unlovable or unattractive as human beings. But loving yourself means accepting yourself the way you are. Completely and unconditionally. And that means embracing your dark side.

Only when you accept and embrace the fact that you have a behaviour that does not serve you, can you replace it with one that does.

As Deepak Chopra notes in his book, The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Creating The Love You Need, a person who exhibits both positive and negative qualities, strengths and weaknesses, is not flawed but complete. And if you have a desirable trait, you can be sure you also have the opposite trait in you.

For instance, my friends know me as a non-judgemental, non-egoistic, compassionate, giving person. As an empath and an INFJ personality type I’m always concerned about people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone.

But that personality trait also made me a complete pushover in my relationships with people. It meant that I was unable to draw boundaries, stand up for myself or ask for what I needed. I would let people walk all over me and end up resenting them for it (when it was really my fault for not being more assertive).

Once I became aware of this flaw, and accepted the behaviour that was not serving me, I made a conscious effort to change it. Sometimes in trying to be more assertive, I tend to come across as egoistic, stubborn and argumentative (or bitchy, as some people would put it).

I became acutely aware of this tendency a few days ago, when it sabotaged my efforts to promote peace among people hurting from the blasts in Mumbai. Although my heart was in the right place, I erred by choosing to react instead of respond and failing to understand where they were coming from.

We INFJs hold deep convictions and can be very stubborn or react adversely when our values and beliefs are threatened. But there’s a fine line between being assertive and egoistic, discerning and judgemental, and I sometimes overcompensate, and allow the less desirable behaviour to dominate.

I guess it’s all part of learning the Law of Balance. It was in Dan Millman’s beautiful book, The Laws of Spirit: A Tale of Transformation, that I learned how, in the process of unlearning something, we sometimes need to overcompensate in order to hit our target.

When I display an undesirable behaviour or reaction, I know I have a long way to go on my path of transformation. But I know that change is a process, not a destination.

And although it’s not always fun to learn more about our dark side, there’s always the hope that better awareness will lead to better choices.

Recommended Reading:

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers

Tags: Angelina Jolie

Popularity: 4% [?]

Well, Narendra Modi came and went. And for once even he exercised restraint, agreeing with the opinion that “Terrorists have no religion.” I hope the angry people out there exercise similar restraint.

The two minutes of silence held across the city at 6.25 pm yesterday for those killed in the blasts, was a touching gesture. But it will take more than symbolism, and futile actions like blocking blogs and websites, to combat this evil.

Fed up with government inaction and platitudes about the city’s spirit, the citizens of Mumbai are getting ready to take action after the Mumbai blasts.

The Times Of India has created a petition to address some pressing demands including

• More autonomy on how this city is run.
• More money, for the state and from the state.
• More accountability and transparency.
• More civilized living.
• More safety and security.

The petition will be submitted to the Prime Minister. For each signature, TOI will also contribute a rupee toward welfare of those affected by the recent blasts.

If you’ve had enough, speak up. And spread the word.

The Mumbai People’s Action Committee is holding a meeting to discuss possible (peaceful) options to make a difference.

Thanks to Madhav Menon for this information.

MUMBAI PEOPLE’S ACTION COMMITTEE

Please attend the meeting on “Bomb blasts, floods, and other disasters, government inaction, and what we can do”

Date: Thursday, 20 July 2006.

Venue: Rachna Sansad, Behind Ravindra Natya Mandir, Off Sayani Road, Prabhadevi.

Time: 6.00 PM

Mumbai dealt with the blasts that rattled the otherwise calm city, mainly courtesy its people. On several occasions Mumbaikars have depicted their spirit that has sailed it through any disaster that came its way.

But the spirit of Mumbai cannot compensate for the lack of government action and inefficiency in disaster management. Where is the spirit of the government to work for its people?

Mumbai People’s Action Committee (MPAC) calls for representation from different organizations, and different arenas of work in a meeting to react on the issue and prove to the government that the present calm of the city should not be mistaken for apathy.

The meeting would be focused to review the failures of the state government in fulfilling their promises post July 26 2005, the inefficiency of the disaster management cell, the general resistance to take responsibility and lack of seriousness towards issues relating to urban planning.

The meeting will discuss
1) expectations from the govt, and administration,
2) possible solutions and demands
3) maintaining peace in the city in the aftermath of the blasts.

Please come for what is a crucial meeting in the present context.

In solidarity

Dr Shanti Patel, Dada Samant, Datta Iswalkar, Neera Adarkar

—————————————————————————

112 B Saat Aasra Society, SS Rao Rd, Mumbai- 400012. Ph: 24174048

I’m definitely going to make it tomorrow. If you’re a Mumbaikar who wants to make a difference to our city, please attend.

Tags: terrorism, mumbai blasts

Popularity: 4% [?]

The editor of Loksatta was right when he said, during “The Big Mumbai Debate” on CNN-IBN, that the citizens of Mumbai go to war everyday.

Every time I walk past the security at Vashi station, board the train, look for suspicious packages on the luggage racks (why don’t they do away with those stupid racks anyway?), I wonder where the next target will be, and if I’ll reach home and see my little girl again.

The celebrated spirit of Mumbaikars is taking a beating, sinking lower and lower every day. Just now there was another bomb scare at Dadar station and several local trains were stopped.

But here’s what makes me really angry:

1. I have no faith left in the Mumbai police. As the panel of speakers on CNN-IBN said, and the police chief himself glumly admitted, continual interference in police matters by politicians has completely demoralised the Mumbai police. No one even wants to be posted to Mumbai.

What action can a demoralised and ineffectual police force take against terrorists? Days after the blasts, and there’s still no clue about who did it. It’s no wonder that Mumbaikars like me have lost all faith in the police.

2. Narendra Damodardas Modi in Mumbai. This man who sat by like the proverbial Nero, while the state of Gujarat burned, was responsible for the anti-Muslim pogrom during the riots in Gujarat in 2002.

And today he visited Mumbai, ostensibly to “talk on terrorism,” but more likely to spread his agenda of hate. The Maharastra government warned him to “watch his words“, but why allow him here in the first place?

“Go back Modi! The last thing our bruised city needs now is a riot,” said the headline of today’s Mid-Day. And I quote here from the editorial:

We don’t want you here. We don’t like your mug on posters that blabber about fighting terrorism, when really, all you want to do is the routine you did after Godhra. Our city is tense and angry enough without that act.

We don’t want you here. We don’t want a riot. Do you hear us?

You want division and hatred transmitted through the wireless acoustics of Mumbai. But you know what, we don’t want to hear it.

A million people who are reading this are probably travelling on trains, Mr Modi. Trains very much like the ones blown up last Tuesday. They are on their way to work. Or going back home.

Don’t try and turn Bombay into Baroda. Here, Best bakeries are simply places that bake the best breads. We want it to stay that way.

Do you hear us?

It isn’t that we are in love with those who currently govern us.

Our chief minister would like to live in Shanghai € and a lot of people in the city think he should.

Our home minister busied himself trying to shut dance bars as terrorist sleeper modules woke up and planned this thing.

But Mumbai, if not its politicians, is committed to getting the people who took the lives of our fellow travellers.

We are also committed to fighting for a more secure future. And we are intent on delivering this message € our way, not yours € to the people who govern.

Despite the simmering anger, city netas across the spectrum€and even the fringe that you belong to € have shown a restraint that is necessary at this time.

‘Restraint’, Mr Modi. Look it up in the dictionary.

It could still turn out okay. We’re optimistic enough to believe that you will come and go and nothing will happen. We know, from your illustrious career, that you will do your best to ensure something does. Thing is, Mr Modi, the Mumbai spirit doesn’t need Modifications. So why not spare us all this bother and take the first flight back?

Do you hear us?

3. People who talk of “retaliation” and “genocide” in the same breath. Do they even know what genocide means?

The systematic killing of substantial numbers of people on the basis of ethnicity, religion, political opinion, social status, or other particularity. Acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnic, racial or religious group.

Even though I make a conscious choice to be forgiving and compassionate, I know we must take action to prevent these incidents from occurring, and more important, make authorities accountable for their failure to act.

But talking of genocide is taking it too far. That’s the speciality of people like Modi, Hitler and Bush.

Do we need the deaths of more innocents (which is exactly what genocide entails) on our collective conscience? Does murder justify mass murder? Wasn’t Gujarat enough?

Since we’re all facing the same enemy, we need to unite, not attack each other. Nowadays it takes just a rumour on SMS or a careless comment to spark a riot.

When even political parties like the Sena have been showing restraint because of the potential consequences, I find it extremely irresponsible of these people to go around spreading more hate.

4. Our PM running to Bush for “help”. Now this is too much! Can’t the World’s Biggest Democracy take care of it’s own? Why do we need to go, with a begging bowl, to the World’s Biggest Terrorist? Here’s how I imagine that would go.

Dr. Singh: Oh Mr. Bush, puhleeese save us from these awful terrorists.

Bush: Sure Manny. Just tell me who’s responsible for these atrocious acts and I’ll have Con-doh-leeza on it right away.

This part of the report had me really riled up:

Though Singh did not raise the issue of Islamabad’s alleged support to terror groups that target India in his opening remarks, he later told Bush that cross-border terrorism was becoming a menace for India.

Becoming a menace for India, Dr. Singh? When is it going to become menace enough for you to speak up and condemn Pakistan in stronger terms for harbouring terrorists? We need action and leadership, Dr. Singh! When are you going to provide it?

But I’ve given up questioning the wisdom of the Indian government. I know that change must come from within - from civil society.

Because we’re the ones who elect the gutless leaders, the corrupt, grasping corporators, more concerned with grabbing power and lining their pockets, than about people like you and me who literally go to war everyday.

We’re the ones who created the problem, and we must be the ones to find a solution.

Not one that creates more bloodshed, but that unites all Indians against terror, violence and the politics of hatred. And demands accountability from the police, politicians and the administration.

I’m serious about making a change. One that takes the interests of all Indians to heart. Are you with me on this? Do comment and let me know.

Also see:

Mumbai Blasts: Trash the spirit. Speak Up

Tain ki dard na aaya (Did You not feel the pain?)

Tags: terrorism, mumbai blasts

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