Soul Kadee

Whether you are in a relationship that has just begun or one that began decades ago, if you are not satisfied with the behaviors you are shown, simply change your response to those behaviors, and a reaction will result.

Your partner’s reaction will have to change to reflect the changes in your attitudes, your guidelines and boundaries.

All you can change is you.

All you can control and manipulate

is your own choice.

You can react to what you are shown,

or you can leave the source of discomfort in your life.

For as you change, as you grow, your reactions do as well. You break the cycle of dysfunction within a relationship when you choose to respond in a new, more highly evolved fashion.

When you love another, your communication of self-love is what allows the love to flow between you. Not a wall, not a game, not a punishment, not lashing out, not carrying on hysterically, but only love of self communicates what you see, feel, or observe to be beyond the boundary of what you will tolerate. When you whine, beg, plead, cry, yell, scream, throw, hit, or lash out, your actions do not deserve the respect you ultimately are entitled to.

But when you openly and calmly share anything that displeases you, anything that causes you to feel unvalued or unappreciated, then you have genuine communication. Then you have friendship, understanding, respect for each other’s feelings, and the integrity to preserve the good you have found. Build a new bridge of understanding over the turbulent waters of confusion and pain. Allow past hurts and pains to flow out of your system and out of the dynamic of your relationship by sharing truth honestly, deeply, and purely When you both do that, truth and understanding will replace chaos and pain.

Melting the walls that stand between you

Much of the discord couples experience comes from fear of exposing their true feelings – their love, fears, doubts, insecurities – their true selves. So they hide their truth behind ego, pride, defense mechanisms, stories, lies, and games instead of communicating authentically.

When you do this, it robs you of your own solid foundation, your feelings of strong self-worth, self-respect, and high self-esteem. When you are too afraid to expose the real you, then you play the games that destroy a genuine healthy relationship or romantic friendship. But as you heal and realize there is nothing so terrible to hide, you then begin to feel more secure to share your truth. As you do this, you reinforce your self-worth and, at the same time, you reinforce the relationship’s foundation with truth.

When two people love, they have a common ground from which to build a new foundation based on trust, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. Yet, there must be compromise. One cannot yield all the time. Satisfaction of needs, wants, requests, and desires must be reciprocal.

Think about the word “relationship.” Relate your concerns and feelings on the ship of your making, so you may travel together on a sea of understanding.

If you begin a relationship with a pre-set agenda, you will find that you are not being your real self. You act the way you think the other wants you to act. You toss aside many of your goals, interests, dreams, and aspirations because you think that doing so will allow you to “get” this man or this woman.

And in that process you steal the foundation of your truth, of your core, from your very self, and you prevent the other from knowing your inner beauty.

Like so many people, you may try to be perfect at the beginning of a relationship. You try to look your best, act your best, feel your best. But you leave out the most important ingredient: the real you, which is the best you. Like so many people, you think that if you showed the real you, your potential partner would surely run, leaving skid marks on the way.

What is so wrong or terrible with the real you?

Perfection is not exciting. It is boring.

If you always try to be perfect, you create discomfort with the other person and actually prevent the growth of true friendship and intimacy.

Where are her moods? Doesn’t he ever get angry? Does she always look so perfect? Doesn’t he ever have a bad day? Why can’t she show me she gets mad? Doesn’t he have any real feelings? Is she always so intellectual? Does he really have a heart? Where is it? How can I show my real self if he or she doesn’t do it too?

You see, when you both present your real and genuine selves to each other, you lay a solid foundation from which you can develop an honest and meaningful friendship or romance with one another.

You may know that many times people will test others to see what they will put up with, what they will tolerate. Testers want to find out how much they can get away with. They also want to know whether the testees have enough respect and regard for themselves to put the testers in their place if they cross the line.

Sometimes the one you date

wants to see that you have guts,

that you are not a spineless wimp,

that you do have self-respect,

that you will only tolerate being treated

with common decency and respect.

So, show it!

If others say something to you that strikes a Chord within, and you don’t like the feelings you are getting as a result of their words or actions, you must speak up and say so. Now.

You can say it gently and graciously,

but make sure that it is said.

By speaking up, you honor and preserve your self-esteem, your personal dignity. Others then know how you feel as a result of what they did or said, and they know what you are requesting of them; it then becomes their choice as to whether they will honor your personal boundaries.

Each person is entitled to all of his or her own beliefs, opinions, preferences, joys, and individuality.

You do not own others; they are not your property. You share your time or your life together. As you learned in nursery school, sharing is giving; it is not taking, and it is not demanding that another does it all your way.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X

Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of nine books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!, Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, and Know Yourself. She is an internationally recognized expert in personal transformation, relationships, consciousness and spiritual awakening, and a pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication, the nondenominational study and integration of humanity’s God Nature into modern personal growth and spiritual evolution. Dr. Rose is known for providing life changing answers, quick practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide as the Founder and Director of IHSC, Institute of Higher Self Communication. Her highly acclaimed books, public speaking events, spiritual intensives, teleseminars, webcasts, and internationally published articles have transformed the lives of thousands across the globe. Dr. Rose works in cooperation with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift the spiritual consciousness of humanity.

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Popularity: 25% [?]

The first time I learned that I could choose to be happy was in a book by Richard Carlson called Shortcut through Therapy: Ten Principles of Growth-Oriented, Contented Living, that I read few years ago at a crucial point in my life. At that point, I thought, no way it can be THAT simple.

But, I’ve learned since then, that the simplest answer is usually the right one. And the reason we’re not happy is because we tend to complicate our lives far too much. Or that we put conditions on our state of being. As in, “I’ll only be happy if such-and-such happens.”

It took reading that book twice to drive the message home. That happiness really IS a choice. And that I can choose to be happy NO MATTER WHAT. That simple realisation changed my life. I hope it will help you too…

Happiness lies in the passions we pursue and in the pressures we decline. It is in knowing how to work and when to play. It is in the treasured objects we keep nearby and in the ordinary moments we elevate into small celebrations. It is in the note we write to a friend and the kindness we show a stranger. It is in the colors we love and the music that transports us. It may be as simple as sunlight on your face; as sudden as a shared smile; as sensuous as a single flower on your desk, candles on your nightstand, or cookies hot from the oven. Happiness is what you make it, where you make it.

- Alexandra Stoddard, Choosing Happiness: Keys to a Joyful Life

Popularity: 25% [?]

The Tacky World Of Full-time Victims

Copyright © Vulcanmind

There is a certain class of people who have jinxed all possibilities of a fruitful and satisfying love life. There is no hope for them in terms of full-fledged relationships – they lack the necessary equipment and are limited to bouncing from one futile rebound caper to another – and to a series of breakups and one-night stands.

They are the victims – the ones whose loves lives are little more than self-fulfilling prophesies of doom. At a subconscious level, they have judged themselves to be flawed. For whatever reason, they do not see themselves as anything worth relating to, falling in love with and cherishing. It may be because their parents told them they are useless; it may be because they have chronic sexual performance anxiety; it may be because they are the ignored younger siblings of a sexpot sister or hunky brother; it may be because they simply have no life. Whatever the reason is, they do not see a love relationship as a desirable destination – the only thing that fascinates them is the dubious pleasure of a perilous journey down a thorn-raddled road.

Such as state of self is, of course, an untenable thing to allow to percolate into complete awareness. One likes to believe, after all, that one is basically better than everyone else, only misunderstood – a gem consistently mistaken to be an ugly piece of rock. We can’t have ourselves owning up to the fact that we are somehow at FAULT, now can we? After all, we have to live with ourselves even if nobody else wants to. We have to look in that mirror and see someone we can respect, don’t we?

No, we can’t. And even though we know for a fact (deep down there where there’s no escape from the truth) that our current outlook on life has rendered us mangled goods, we got to go through the motions of getting into a relationship, now don’t we? After all, all life’s a stage, we’re all actors on it and EVERYONE’S WATCHING TO SEE HOW WE PERFORM, right? Nobody has anything better to do, right?

Also, there’s this yammering little aspect down there below the belt that won’t shut up no matter HOW much we tell it that it’s no use, that it’s just gonna have to starve to death ‘cause Daddy/Mommy doesn’t have what it takes to provide. Yessir, it’s the good old human sex drive – and no, it won’t shut up. The sex drive is a brainless thing and doesn’t care about any conflicts between what you are, your self-perception and the way people actually react to you. It just says “GIMME” and sure enough, there you go… looking for a relationship you have already condemned to death even before it is born.

When a victim gets into a relationship, everything seems fine and dandy in the beginning. The unsuspecting partner often does sense something sinister squirming below the surface, but usually passes it off as a very understandable nervous reaction to his/her patented sex appeal (my dad used to tell me of the perfect business model – buy someone for what he’s worth and sell him for what he THINKS he’s worth, and you’ll ALWAYS make a profit.)

Two months down the line, both the victim and the victim’s victim have a situation. The victim has his/her true act onstage by then – the act of a self-perceived loser trying to justify yet another loss by putting the blame of the rapidly unraveling situation on the other. The victim’s victim is spending a large chunk off time fending of inexplicable arrows dispatched from inexplicable positions in true guerilla style. The victim’s victim has probably gone through a period of serious self-doubt by then – “Am I really such a bastard / bitch?”, “Were those really my intentions?”

More often than not, the victim’s victim has a better perception of himself/herself than the victim, and eventually tells the victim to take his/her pitiful martyr act and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Bingo, alone again. “The prophecy has been fulfilled once more, Lawd – how could I ever doubt you? I will NEVER question your will for me again – and I know your will is that I spend my life miserable and alone.”

For such people, repeatedly generated abstinence from everything that makes life worth living, finally becomes not only a necessity, but a virtue of some kind. “Here I am on my cross, crucified for the sins of than sonofabitch / bitch who doesn’t know how to treat a woman / man right. This is my purpose in life. This is what I born for. Look upon me, all you sinners – see how you made the innocent, blameless suffer.”

I am reminded of a phenomenon that the media have observed here in India – that of professional refugees. India is a largish piece of real estate that is prone to all sorts of natural disasters. In fact, because political greed eats into a large chunk of funds allotted to technological safeguards, it is prone to man-made disasters as well. Fairly spectacular shit hits the fan every now and then – tsunamis, earthquakes, gas leaks, communal riots, you name it, we have it on our calendar this year. Of course, whatever Government happens to be top dog at these times announces that it is dispensing relief to the victims.

Well, certain reporters have noted the fact that the many familiar faces seem to turn up at each disaster site, just in time to lap up the Government goodies. These are professional refugees who keep track of such events and make sure they’re there to stand up and be counted.

What has that got to do with our relationship victims, you ask? Plenty. There’s a payoff for being a doomed love martyr – you get to wallow in loads of self-pity, can absolve yourself of many of the activities of daily living because you are ‘depressed’, and have a ready catchment of like-minded wet ends who will gladly sit down to wail with you that all men are bastards / all women are bitches.

Vulcanmind is one of us, but he doesn’t see much point in confessing to that fact. Forever amazed at the human condition, yet never despairing - it sure makes for an interesting case study…

Popularity: 30% [?]

A few weeks ago, Neha Ved, of BTW Mag, a publication of the Chitralekha Group, contacted me to do an interview for their Women’s Day issue. Except for them getting the spelling of Naaree.com wrong, I really liked the way it turned out, and am posting the images she sent me here. Click on the images below to open them up in a new browser window.

Popularity: 31% [?]

We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.
- Virginia Satir

Even before I picked up a copy of Nathaniel Branden’s excellent tome, “Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Tranformation,” I had come to realise that the reason I’ve been unsatisfied with many aspects of my life, is because I’ve been measuring my personal and professional success by a set of standards I no longer adhere to.

Integrity is one of the pillars of self-esteem, says Branden, and not living in integrity - in accordance with the standards we set for ourselves - is one of the causes of low self-esteem.

Being unable to relate to the standards that my family and society had ingrained in me a long time ago (the “good Catholic girl” standards, as I call them), I felt that I was not living in integrity, with what I truly believed was right for me.

I’ve always been a free spirit, a hippie-at-heart, tree-hugger, environmentalist, Luddite (pick your label). But in my struggle for survival, acceptance and approval, I lost sight of what was most important to me.

I complied with my family’s expectations, and society’s standards, when I chose to marry the man I loved. Had I lived in a different era, or been brought up in a more progressive society, I believe I’d have been just as happy having a child outside of marriage.

For many couples, even those who marry for love, that piece of paper just becomes an excuse to have unrealistic expectations of each other, give up their individual dreams, and destroy the love and happiness they once shared.

While coping with my responsibilities as a mother, wife and provider, I lost sight of my personal ideals and began to follow the standards set by others. Finding my faith helped me realise that I needed to set new standards for myself.

The Buddhist doctrines of impermanence and non-attachment helped me realise that I don’t need the confines of a traditional relationship in order to be happy. I cherish my freedom and independence too much to ever give it up again for domesticity (the “old ball-and-chain”).

Dating without expectation leaves me free to be authentic and live in the moment, so I can enjoy and experience a person for what he is, without being attached to the outcome of an interaction.

I’m also happier and more creative since I stopped measuring my professional success by the standards of the internet community. For me, success is not as much about making money (although that is essential) as about living my passion, while touching the lives of others in positive ways.

Now that I’ve come to realise I no longer have to measure my life by another’s standards, that I can choose for myself the standards that resonate with my own personal beliefs, I feel like I’ve found new wings and am free of expectations from myself and others.

For me, living in integrity is no more about living in accordance with the morals and standards set by my family and culture. It’s about marching to the beat of my own drum. About setting new standards for my life that empower me, resonate with my personal truths, and allow me to live my life in accordance with the beliefs that are right for me.

Popularity: 46% [?]

How many of us are looking for a man to make us feel good about ourselves? We think, As soon as I get a man, I’ll be happy; my life will be perfect.

This attitude reminds me of a quote: Half a woman will attract half a man. In other words, a woman who feels incomplete or inadequate will attract a man who is equally incomplete or inadequate.

Contrary to popular belief, relationships are not 50-50 propositions. We should enter into relationships as whole beings prepared to give (and receive) 100 percent.

So what does it mean to be whole? For starters, it doesn’t mean being perfect. Wholeness is a state of being. We reach this stage in life when we are no longer looking for someone or something to complete us.

We’re whole once we realize we already possess everything we want or need on the inside of us. We come into a conscious awareness that there is no lack in our lives. We recognize that we are complete and no one can add to or take way anything from our life. In our wholeness, we know that our life is what we make it.

Therefore, a whole and complete woman doesn’t depend on others to make her feel good about herself. She doesn’t seek validation from others. Her sense of purpose, well-being and identity doesn’t come from anything outside of herself, including a relationship.

She is content with her life. She truly loves herself and manifests joy and happiness she desires. She doesn’t expect others to make her feel that way.

When you’re whole, you never say, I’ll be happy when I have a man. Instead you say, Yes, I want a relationship. Even though I don’t have one right now, I will enjoy and love myself in this moment.

The people we attract to our lives are a reflection of who we are. So if you want someone who will love and honor you, you must first love and honor yourself. A joyful, loving, healthy relationship begins with you.

Rosslyn Champ is a poet, author and teacher. She is the founder of http://liveloveandprosper.com Her personal development site offers a variety of articles, booklets and other resources that provide a holistic, common sense approach to helping people achieve success in all areas of life.

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Popularity: 100% [?]

In the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of energy work, and made a number of breakthroughs in the meditation course I did with Leo.

But there were some emotions I hadn’t been willing to deal with, and I felt tied to the past with cords of residual anger, resentment and unforgiveness. I knew that, as long as I harboured these feelings, I would find it hard to make the progress I needed to make.

Meditation wasn’t helping release my emotions, and I knew that it was going to take nothing less than a paradigm change to change the way I felt about my past. A few days ago, I got my breakthrough, felt that change happen, and my entire resonance shifted to a much happier vibration.

What spurred this change was recalling a belief I have long harboured, about what new age teachers like Caroline Myss, call Sacred Contracts.

A Sacred Contract is an ancient notion that our souls enter into a kind of contract before birth, that we agree to have various human experiences, and even to encounter certain people in order to learn lessons. As Caroline Myss explains in this interview,

We make contracts before we incarnate. We make contracts that are directed toward our personal empowerment, toward the expansion of our hearts, and toward the expansion of our contribution to the group soul of humanity.

The contracts and negotiations your soul has made, form the texture of your life. You make arrangements for certain commitments, for opportunities to meet certain people, to be certain places, but what you do and how you are when you get there, that’s where choice comes in.

If you know the contracts you made before you were born, you will find it easier to discern your life’s purpose.

When you begin to see your life from this perspective, you realise that YOU CHOSE all the experiences you have had in this life, and all the people you have met are your “soul supporters” who agreed to play a role to help your personality and soul grow and expand in this lifetime.

So how does this understanding help you live a happier life? By helping us realise that everything is happening as it should, based on your thinking and the choices you make, as the article here notes. For me, the key to releasing the past was GRATITUDE.

When you look at your life without gratitude, you can’t appreciate how everything is trying to come together to get you to the next place. Realize every life has something special to offer and your real job is to figure that out.

We all have contracts to meet certain people in our lives. If you allow yourself to see how that person has helped you grow, you can learn about yourself and find the reason you were meant to know that person in the first place.

Seen in that light, there is really nothing you can feel but GRATITUDE, for all the experiences - good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, loving and abusive - that you have gone through. And, in the instant that all your feelings of anger, resentment and unforgiveness are TRANSFORMED to Gratitude, you become FREE from the effects of the past.

Although I’ve always believed in Sacred Contracts, I had never really assimilated it into my life in this manner, perhaps because, on some level, my ego didn’t want to let go of wanting to be right. But, wanting to be right gives away my power, prevents me from taking responsibility for my life, and makes me a victim. And that’s not how I want to define myself EVER!

Wanting to be right creates anger and resentment, the very emotions that keep us bound in the past, and prevent us from healing. Harbouring resentment and refusing to forgive others is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment, harboured over a long time, causes cancer, writes Louise Hay, in You Can Heal Your Body.

It was very empowering to realise that everything I have experienced is based on Sacred Contracts that I chose for myself, because it made me realise how futile it was to hold on my anger and resentment towards the people who hurt me. Especially when I know now, that they are my soul supporters - the ones I made a contract with to help me grow in this lifetime.

And now, when I look back at everything I have experienced in my life, I know that some of my most painful experiences were the most life-changing ones - the ones that helped me grow and learn to love and accept myself for who I am. The person I am today is because I went through each and every one of those experiences.

I know I’ve truly released my past when I can finally look back on EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in it with gratitude, and say, “Thanks for the memories.”

More about Sacred Contracts:

Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential

Myss espouses the ancient notion that our souls enter into a kind of contract before birth that we agree to have various human experiences and even to encounter certain people in order to learn lessons. The author includes a technique for arriving at 12 archetypes that rule different areas of our life from career to sex to our highest aspirations.

Secrets about Life Every Woman Should Know : Ten Principles for Total Emotional and Spiritual Fulfillment

I finished reading this book by Barbara de Angelis a while ago and I recommend that every woman read it. De Angelis incudes in the beginning of the book, a chapter on Sacred Contracts, which I think is very apt, because it helps us see our entire life through a very empowering perspective.

Popularity: 48% [?]

A pill to stop your periods, scream the headlines announcing the fact that scientists are working on a pill that could eliminate the need for women to have monthly menstruation.

Yes, it might be beneficial for sensitive women like me, who suffer from painful periods and PMS for a few days every month. But, despite my discomfort, I’d rather bear the pain (I can’t take painkillers), leave my daughter with my parents, and catch up on my rest on those days, than pop a pill to get rid of a perfectly normal biological function.

My period and my monthly changes define my womanhood, and no one has the right to play around with that. Besides, who decides these things anyway? And who benefits by defining a woman’s period as something that should be done away with? Only the kind of men who have no respect for women and believe that a woman’s period is a mere inconvenience.

Men like Dr. Elsimar Coutinho, a Brazilian gynecologist and co-author of the book “Is Menstruation Obsolete?” (I wonder what gave him THAT idea!), who writes,

From a medical point of view, menstruation has no beneficial effects for anyone. For many women, it is actually harmful to their health.

I have never read a bigger load of CRAP!!! (And I never use three exclamation marks, so you can imagine how MAD I am).

Would Mother Nature design something so vital to our fertility, and then go make it “harmful”? I think not! Besides what gives a clueless male like Dr. Coutinho, the right to tell a woman that she should deny her femininity?

I love being a woman and I support every woman’s right to control her own body, even if she chooses to do so by having fewer periods. But it should be HER choice - not the result of brainwashing by males, who understand nothing of what a woman goes through during her monthly cycle.

I mean how would men feel if we decided that it was inconvenient and unattractive for them to have body and facial hair, and that they needed a pill or injection to “eliminate” these unnecessary vestiges of manhood?

And while we’re on that route, why not just declare testosterone a threat to World Peace, since it’s the cause of most of the violence we see in the world today? Lets have a pill to do away with testosterone.

Voluntary Emasculation In The Name Of Non-Violence!!! I wonder how that would sound to men like Dr. Coutinho.

I’m no feminist, just a woman who loves being a woman (and everything that goes with it). But, when I see such blatant and arrogant attempts by male doctors to control a woman’s body, I really wish I were!

Like women of ancient times, I see my cycle as a time for rest and renewal. A time to nurture myself and enjoy my womanhood. “Our monthly bleeding is the source of life. Why then are we so ashamed of it?”, writes Felicity Artemis Flowers in her article titled The P.M.S. Conspiracy, where she describes how patriarchy has made women feel ashamed of this vital, beautiful, and life-renewing bodily function.

In this uplifting piece, she writes

Ancient people called menstrual blood ‘Wise Blood’. The ancients recognized the awesome wisdom and power of the menstrual cycle and it was honored as a source of spiritual enlightenment. The forgetting of this essential wisdom, and the distress that this has caused the psyche of womankind is a consequence of the total betrayal of women by the patriarchy.

In ancient times a woman’s bleeding was her time to retreat to a special place where she would be attended, bathed and nurtured by other women. It was honored as her time to tune in to the transformation happening within her, to turn inward, to get closer to her Self, to listen to and hear her Self.

On her menstrual retreat a woman secluded herself to give herself to her bleeding. With each lunation she could immerse herself in the realm of the unconscious and focus her energy into her expanded psychic connection to All Life. She would then return with offerings of insight and visions for the community. She was a priestess, a shamanness. Her bleeding was thus honored as her Gift.

In her article, she also gives women some great tips to honor themselves and embrace menstrual reality.

On the role of patriarchy in creating a disconnect between women and womanhood, Felicity writes,

The ultimate message of the male-supremecist culture to all daughters, well before their first bleeding, is that proof of your worth as a woman lies in how successfully you pretend that nothing significant is happening while you are bleeding: how well you can contain it, act emotionally neutral, not retain water, be a good robot in the workplace; how well you deny your true nature in pretending you don’t want to lie down and rest, take a warm bath, or walk through a flower garden. You must be efficient and “take it like a man”, take pills so you won’t feel it, take diuretics so its ’show’. Don’t let anyone know. Pretend you’re not bleeding.

As we presently exist within patriarchally defined reality, our body’s cyclic imitation of the moon’s waxing to fullness is called “bloat”, a symptom, a malady. This misnaming of Life’s expression of itself is a total reversal from the perception of the female body as sacred.

Words are powerful in conveying and perpetuating attitudes, and patriarchal words such as “bloat”, “discharge”, ‘unclean’ and ‘P.M.S.’ are effective in Propagating Menstrual Shame. They describe the deliberate destruction of female consciousness by keeping her from perceiving her divinity.

In India, this time of rest simply required that a woman was allowed to take a break from her household chores. Over the ages it was perversely twisted and given an “unclean” tag to prohibit a woman from entering the kitchen or a place of worship, a practice that is still followed today, in conservative communities.

We all go through a point in our lives when we have a “love-hate” relationship with our period, especially the women who experience a lot of pain and discomfort. I went through that in my teens, when I was uncomfortable with my feminine self (my mother) and identified more with the masculine (my father).

As I learned to love, appreciate and enjoy my femininity, I came to accept my cycle as perfectly normal, and to view it as a period of cleansing and renewal. I enjoy retreating for a couple of days to catch up on some much-needed rest, take a break from work, catch up on my reading, listen to music, even watch some TV.

Whether women choose to use pills to have fewer periods is a personal choice, made for personal reasons. But, to allow anyone to convince me that my periods are unnecessary, is to deny being a woman. And that’s completely unacceptable to me.

Recommended Reading:

Thanks to Mind-Mart, I came across this book by Dr. Susan Rako that dispels the notions being promoted by corporate medicine in America.

No More Periods?: The Risks of Menstrual Suppression and Other Cutting-Edge Issues About Hormones and Women’s Health

Observing the radical shift in the medical community toward menstrual suppression as a viable option in women’s health, Dr. Rako sees not only a vast information gap for women, but a serious health crisis on the horizon. Drug companies and many health professionals are promoting the idea that it is okay, even preferable, for women to forgo their periods if they are not trying to get pregnant, and many women, when faced with the choice, are seriously considering that option. But what isn’t being discussed enough are the hazards of such suppression, risks that include osteoporosis, heart attacks, strokes, and cancer.

In No More Periods? Dr. Rako delves into the whys, hows, and musts of women’s gynecological health and takes a reasoned stand for believing that nature and our bodies have an intelligence about this critical issue. This book is a call to sanity from a woman who has become known as a devout defender of women’s health rights.

“Tampering with the hormonal climate of healthy menstruating women, including teenage girls whose lives stretch ahead for decades, for the purpose of doing away with their periods is, in a word, reckless. Manipulating women’s hormonal chemistry for the purpose of menstrual suppression threatens to be the largest uncontrolled experiment in the history of medical science. Hands down.

What the media has not conveyed, what the public has not heard, what too few health professionals know, and what every woman and her doctor must know about the hazards of menstrual suppression deserves a voice. I am determined that it will have one.”€Susan Rako, M.D.

Popularity: 27% [?]

We humans love to label stuff. Perhaps we do this to understand our environment and ourselves better. In some fields, like biology, labels and classifications work, because they are based on a reductionistic approach and view life-forms as separate.

Most life-forms don’t care about being labelled. It doesn’t make a difference to them whether they’re called cephalopods or arthropods. But for humans, being labelled is judgmental and a display of prejudice.

Here are just a few of ways we use labels for ourselves and our fellow humans:

• Race (African, Asian, Caucasian)
• Religion (Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew)
• Country (Indian, Pakistani, British, American)
• Cultural (Eastern, Western)
• Gender (Male, Female)
• Skin colour (Fair, dark, white, black, brown)
• Looks (beautiful, ugly, plain)
• Body type (tall, short, thin, fat, obese)
• Income (rich, poor, upper class, lower class)
• Intelligence (genius, average, retard)
• Personality (Type A/B, depressed, borderline, psychotic, schizoid, ADHD)
• Profession (lawyer, accountant, doctor, writer, singer, actor)
• Marital status (married, single, divorced, widowed)

Psychologists and marketers love this sort of segmentation, because it helps them serve their clients in more effective ways.

The question I want to ask is - exactly how does it help to label ourselves according to the definitions above? Do we need a label in order to identify with the human race? Aren’t we doing ourselves and others an injustice when we label people we interact with?

The labels above are the more benign ones we use everyday. But labelling imposes huge limitations on us, especially when we learn them during our impressionable years (early childhood and our teenage years).

Labels such as kaali (dark) or “stupid”, or beliefs that the boy-child is more precious than the girl-child, have scarred the self-image of many innocent children, creating self-hate and insecurity as adults.

If you must label a child, do it in a positive way. Teach her to accept herself, show her that she is beautiful, and point out the features that make her unique and special.

As babies, we are born pure and untouched by prejudice. We learn segregation, racism, communalism, colour-consciousness, and other such bigoted views from our parents, community and society. We learn to react to the physicalities and personalities of others, rather than respond to their souls.

The soul knows no labels. It is neither male not female, black nor white. It has no race or religion. It is pure Spirit and knows it is one with the Universe. It is at a level where there are no distinctions or separate identities.

Labels, like the ones above, are imposed by the Ego (Personality). But at the level of the Higher Self (Soul), we are all the same, and there is no use for labels.

As evolving beings, we must learn to see each other at the soul level. And we can only do that when we learn to act from our Higher Self, when we treat ourselves and our fellow humans (since, on the soul level, we are all one) with compassion and acceptance.

But what of those who try to harm us?

Do not try to change them. Realise that they are only acting from their own fear and pain. Setting boundaries is a way of showing compassion and refusing to take on the pain of others. Everyone has their lessons to learn. When we take on the task of changing others, we are not doing them a favour, because they will never learn their lessons.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Tolerance is something that has been sold to Indians for ages, under the guise of secularism. But tolerance is just suppressed resentment. And resentment is bound to erupt in hate at some point.

It is not tolerance, but acceptance we have to work towards. Acceptance based on the knowledge that we are not separate beings, but different parts of the same being. Non-acceptance of each other stems from non-acceptance of our self, and fear of our dark side.

Nowadays, when I notice myself being judgmental of others, I take a step back and look inside myself to see which part of me I am refusing to accept. I then make peace with that part of me, and learn to be compassionate with my own flaws.

From unconditional self-acceptance comes healing, and compassion and acceptance for others.

When we refuse to label ourselves as fat or thin, pretty or ugly, dark or fair, we will learn to see our true inner beauty. And, since our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world, the beauty within will be reflected in our lives and in our world.

Recommended Reading:

Unconditional Self Acceptance

I am a great fan of Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher and author. In this audiobook she uses various guided meditations, exercises and reflections to help the listener get in touch with their deepest self and get a better understanding of their conditioned responses while learning self compassion.

Some of her other books that touch upon this subject are

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline

We are conditioned to think that if we were only a little better in some way, we would be happy. But, Huber says, no amount of self-punishment will ever make us happy or bring us control over life’s problems. The help we are looking for is really found in self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Compassionate self-discipline € the will to take positive steps in life € is found through nothing other than being present.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.

Transcendent Beauty: It Begins with a Single Choice…to Be!

I am currently reading this book authored by Crystal Andrus - a woman who is beautiful, both inside and out. She shows us that while most people talk about attractiveness as being merely physical, true beauty definitely comes from the soul. She teaches you to let your inner beauty shine by becoming comfortable with who you are and taming your ego - that critical, fearful voice in your head.

See a selection of resources on Inner Child Healing

Popularity: 38% [?]

Iris at My Nirvana! just tagged me for the Thinking Bloggers Award. Thanks, Iris. Love your blog too. I’ll tag my favourite Thinking Bloggers at the end of this post.

In the last issue of Naaree.com, I wrote that I believe feminism has done women a dis-service by making them believe that they need to compete with men.

There are essentially two ways people view the role of women in society:

Traditionalists: Those who believe that women should go back to their traditional roles at home and stop trying to compete with men in the workplace. Thankfully, these are a dying breed - even in India.

Liberals: Those who believe that women can, and should, compete with men and hold their own in all spheres of life. They seem harmless, but this view can actually be quite damaging.

Here’s why. The problem with these extreme viewpoints is that they are both unfair to women, because neither takes into account what women really want.

The first (traditional) viewpoint denies a woman’s aspirations and desire to express herself creatively in a profession, contribute to society and - in the absence of a male provider - fend for herself and her children.

The second (liberal) viewpoint denies a woman’s innate biological need and desire to nuture a family, have children, and express her creativity in a manner that feels natural to her (cooking, taking care of a home, and all the stuff that makes people like Martha Stewart pots of money).

These extremes also don’t take into account the fact that men have changed too. They no longer want to be desired solely for their earning capability. Most men don’t want women who are golddiggers, and actually PREFER a woman who is able to take care of herself financially.

And why shouldn’t they? After all, men deserve to be loved for who they are, don’t they?

Being Feminine At Work

One of the reasons why there are so few women at the top, in most professions, is not because men don’t allow them to grow, but because most women simply don’t WANT that. We know that being at the top of one’s profession involves a great deal of commitment, dedication and more importantly, SACRIFICE.

I’m one of those women who knew that being a good mother was very important to me (perhaps because my own mom worked full-time and hardly spent any time with us). At the same time, I wanted to use my intelligence and my talent, to express myself creatively and be of service to others.

As long as my husband had a steady job, I kept myself occupied with freelance writing until our baby girl was born. When he was out of a job for a few years, however, I decided I had to make a living and started a business I could manage from home.

At no point did I wish to join the corporate rat race. As a sensitive person, the aggression and competitiveness put me off. I made a conscious choice to work from home because I knew that if I really wanted to, I could find a way. I now make a decent income and find great fulfilment in my internet publishing business.

More than anything, women want to achieve BALANCE in all spheres of life. The price of ambition - sacrificing a healthy family life - is often more than we are willing to pay. And why should we?

Today, women are finding fulfilment in a range of professions, and organisations are more flexible and understanding in working out solutions, including part-time and flexitime work hours, that will keep women on the payroll.

Whether she works from home or commutes to work, each woman needs to find the sort of work that fulfils her.

Being Feminine In Relationships

Our confusion over the roles we play, is even more obvious in the dysfunction that has pervaded our intimate relationships.

Women who adopt the traditional lifestyle, and behave in a dependent and passive manner, put themselves in danger of getting into abusive, exploitative relationships.

On the other hand, women who project themselves as strong and independent, tend to be too aggressive and overfunction in relationships. Aggressive women make a man feel emasculated, and they often find they cannot attract and keep a good man for long.

Books like “The Rules“, which struck a chord with desperate American women, and which feminists viewed as regressive, are the outcome of our confusion, as we struggle to balance our femininity, while holding our own in our relationships with men.

A New Way Of Functioning

It’s time for a new paradigm. One that allows a woman to be a complete, self-actualised person, and yet be capable of letting a man express his masculinity, give to her, and protect his family.

Coach Rori’s ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, taught me that all it takes to achieve this is a simple change in mindset - that of learning to express your feminine energy in a relationship.

We can’t escape our biology, which dictates that for a man to feel attraction for a woman, he has to feel that she needs him (even if it’s only to fix something around the house). A man needs to know that he has something to offer his woman.

Women, for their part, must learn to stop overfunctioning, to lean back, and learn to RECEIVE - a skill that the strong, independent, action-oriented woman has to learn all over again.

The surprising thing is that overfunctioning comes, not from strength, but from fear and a feeling of inadequacy. We overfunction when we feel that we are not enough, that we do not deserve to be loved for who we are, but for what we can can offer a man.

When we “act” strong and independent, we’re actually reacting to a fear of dependence. Women who are truly strong and independent never have to “act” that way. They know their worth, and trust themselves enough to know that they can receive without losing themselves in a relationship.

Leaning back, and allowing yourself to receive from a man, is not about being dependent. It’s about learning to value yourself, and realising that you are desirable, not for what you can give him, but just because you’re a woman.

I’ve been in both places - dependent and independent. In my marriage with my late husband, overfunctioning wasn’t an issue. With him I was very feminine, dependent even - the kind who couldn’t change a lightbulb or kill a bug.

Most of the time, he loved doing things for me. I realised that it made him feel needed and allowed him to express his masculinity. But there is such a thing as being too dependent on a man. For me, independence was something I had to LEARN.

I realised this when, after being widowed, I began to attract men who were extremely masculine and controlling, or exploitative and narcissistic. And in those relationships, I was often the codependent, passive, giving woman - the kind who found it hard to say “no” to anything, even things I was not comfortable with.

Once I realised my mistake, I began learning how to assert myself and set stronger boundaries. I learned that, as long as I express myself in a caring and non-agressive way, being assertive does not make me masculine.

Interdependence Is The Key

Relationships between men and women are not about competition. We need to learn how to COMPLEMENT each other and bring out the best in each other.

Healthy relationships are those where both partners are neither too dependent, nor too independent, but inter-dependent. It’s all about keeping a balance between -

- Work and family
- Giving and receiving
- Masculine and feminine
- Yin and yang

If being a feminine woman in today’s world sometimes feels like walking a tightrope, that’s because it IS. But, there’s no one better equipped than a woman to handle a balancing act like that!

Recommended Reading:

The ebooks here have transformed the way I look at relationships and how I communicate with men.

Have The Relationship You Want: A Womans Guide To Transforming Your Love Life Practically Overnight!
Learn how to get more love, romance, and a deeper emotional connection with a man. Relationship coach Rori Gwynne teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her now-glorious, decades long marriage around

The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave
Learn how to communicate with your man and express yourself in a feminine manner. This book will give you the insights that will change your relationships with men forever.

As I promised, here are my personal favourite Thinking Bloggers.

1. Atanu Dey (I love his focus on the India we rarely read about)
2. Robin Sharma (lots of great personal development tips and an awesome podcast too)
3. Steve Pavlina (another great personal development blog with long posts - sometimes rationalises too much)
4. Aaron Potts (loads of great stuff on self-improvement, manifestation, LOA and more)
5. Jennifer (very interesting posts about men, women, relationships, and life in general)

The Thinking Blogger Award rules: This award was started here. You have to award five others whose blog you think deserve this award. Please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.

The participation rules:
If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.
Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all € blogs that really get you thinking!

Popularity: 37% [?]