Soul Kadee

I received this beautiful story today about seeing the Divine in everyone, and wanted to share it with you. (Source: Amit Shah)

There’s an old story about a group of monks living with their master in a Tibetan monastery. Their lives were disciplined and dedicated, and the atmosphere in which they lived harmonious and peaceful. People from villages far and wide flocked to the monastery to bask in the warmth of such a loving spiritual environment.

Then one day the master departed his earthly form. At first the monks continued on as they had in the past, but after a time, the discipline and devotion that had been hallmarks of their daily routine slackened. The number of villagers coming through the doors each day began to drop, and little by little, the monastery fell into a state of disrepair.

Soon the monks were bickering among themselves, some pointing fingers of blame, others filled with guilt. The energy within the monastery walls crackled with animosity.

Finally, the senior monk could take it no longer. Hearing that a spiritual master lived as a hermit two days walk away, the monk wasted no time in seeking him out. Finding the master in his forest hermitage, the monk told him of the sad state the monastery had fallen into and asked his advice.

The master smiled. ‘There is one living among you who is the incarnation of God. Because he is being disrespected by those around him, he will not show himself, and the monastery will remain in disrepair.’ With those words spoken, the master fell silent and would say no more.

All the way back to the monastery, the monk wondered which of his brothers might be the Incarnated One.

‘Perhaps it is Brother Jaspar who does our cooking,’ the monk said aloud. But then a second later thought, ‘No, it can’t be him. He is sloppy and ill tempered and the food he prepares is tasteless.’

‘Perhaps our gardener, Brother Timor, is the one,’ he then thought. This consideration, too, was quickly followed by denial. ‘Of course not’ he said aloud. ‘God is not lazy and would never let weeds take over a lettuce patch the way Brother Timor has.’

Finally, after dismissing each and every one of his brothers for this fault or that, the senior monk realized there were none left. Knowing it had to be one of the monks because the master had said it was, he worried over it a bit before a new thought dawned. ‘Could it be that the Holy One has chosen to display a fault in order to disguise himself?’ he wondered. ‘Of course it could! That must be it!’

Reaching the monastery, he immediately told his brothers what the master had said and all were just as astonished as he had been to learn the Divine was living among them.

Since each knew it was not himself who was God Incarnate, each began to study his brothers carefully, all trying to determine who among them was the Holy One. But all any of them could see were the faults and failings of the others. If God was in their midst, he was doing a fine job of hiding himself. Finding the Incarnated One among such rubble would be difficult, indeed.

After much discussion, it was finally decided that they would all make an effort to be kind and loving toward each another, treating all with the respect and honor one would naturally give to the Incarnated One. If God insisted on remaining hidden, then they had no recourse but to treat each monk as if he were the Holy One.

Each so concentrated on seeing God in the other that soon their hearts filled with such love for one another the chains of negativity that held them bound fell away. As time passed, they began seeing God not just in each other, but in every one and everything. Days were spent in joyful reverence, rejoicing in His Holy Presence. The monastery radiated this joy like a beacon and soon the villagers returned, streaming through the doors as they had before, seeking to be touched by the love and devotion present there.

It was some time later that the senior monk decided to pay the master another visit to thank him for the secret he had revealed.

‘Did you discover the identity of the Incarnated One?’ the master asked.

‘We did,’ the senior monk replied. ‘We found him residing in all of us.’

The master smiled.

Popularity: 17% [?]

A pill to stop your periods, scream the headlines announcing the fact that scientists are working on a pill that could eliminate the need for women to have monthly menstruation.

Yes, it might be beneficial for sensitive women like me, who suffer from painful periods and PMS for a few days every month. But, despite my discomfort, I’d rather bear the pain (I can’t take painkillers), leave my daughter with my parents, and catch up on my rest on those days, than pop a pill to get rid of a perfectly normal biological function.

My period and my monthly changes define my womanhood, and no one has the right to play around with that. Besides, who decides these things anyway? And who benefits by defining a woman’s period as something that should be done away with? Only the kind of men who have no respect for women and believe that a woman’s period is a mere inconvenience.

Men like Dr. Elsimar Coutinho, a Brazilian gynecologist and co-author of the book “Is Menstruation Obsolete?” (I wonder what gave him THAT idea!), who writes,

From a medical point of view, menstruation has no beneficial effects for anyone. For many women, it is actually harmful to their health.

I have never read a bigger load of CRAP!!! (And I never use three exclamation marks, so you can imagine how MAD I am).

Would Mother Nature design something so vital to our fertility, and then go make it “harmful”? I think not! Besides what gives a clueless male like Dr. Coutinho, the right to tell a woman that she should deny her femininity?

I love being a woman and I support every woman’s right to control her own body, even if she chooses to do so by having fewer periods. But it should be HER choice - not the result of brainwashing by males, who understand nothing of what a woman goes through during her monthly cycle.

I mean how would men feel if we decided that it was inconvenient and unattractive for them to have body and facial hair, and that they needed a pill or injection to “eliminate” these unnecessary vestiges of manhood?

And while we’re on that route, why not just declare testosterone a threat to World Peace, since it’s the cause of most of the violence we see in the world today? Lets have a pill to do away with testosterone.

Voluntary Emasculation In The Name Of Non-Violence!!! I wonder how that would sound to men like Dr. Coutinho.

I’m no feminist, just a woman who loves being a woman (and everything that goes with it). But, when I see such blatant and arrogant attempts by male doctors to control a woman’s body, I really wish I were!

Like women of ancient times, I see my cycle as a time for rest and renewal. A time to nurture myself and enjoy my womanhood. “Our monthly bleeding is the source of life. Why then are we so ashamed of it?”, writes Felicity Artemis Flowers in her article titled The P.M.S. Conspiracy, where she describes how patriarchy has made women feel ashamed of this vital, beautiful, and life-renewing bodily function.

In this uplifting piece, she writes

Ancient people called menstrual blood ‘Wise Blood’. The ancients recognized the awesome wisdom and power of the menstrual cycle and it was honored as a source of spiritual enlightenment. The forgetting of this essential wisdom, and the distress that this has caused the psyche of womankind is a consequence of the total betrayal of women by the patriarchy.

In ancient times a woman’s bleeding was her time to retreat to a special place where she would be attended, bathed and nurtured by other women. It was honored as her time to tune in to the transformation happening within her, to turn inward, to get closer to her Self, to listen to and hear her Self.

On her menstrual retreat a woman secluded herself to give herself to her bleeding. With each lunation she could immerse herself in the realm of the unconscious and focus her energy into her expanded psychic connection to All Life. She would then return with offerings of insight and visions for the community. She was a priestess, a shamanness. Her bleeding was thus honored as her Gift.

In her article, she also gives women some great tips to honor themselves and embrace menstrual reality.

On the role of patriarchy in creating a disconnect between women and womanhood, Felicity writes,

The ultimate message of the male-supremecist culture to all daughters, well before their first bleeding, is that proof of your worth as a woman lies in how successfully you pretend that nothing significant is happening while you are bleeding: how well you can contain it, act emotionally neutral, not retain water, be a good robot in the workplace; how well you deny your true nature in pretending you don’t want to lie down and rest, take a warm bath, or walk through a flower garden. You must be efficient and “take it like a man”, take pills so you won’t feel it, take diuretics so its ’show’. Don’t let anyone know. Pretend you’re not bleeding.

As we presently exist within patriarchally defined reality, our body’s cyclic imitation of the moon’s waxing to fullness is called “bloat”, a symptom, a malady. This misnaming of Life’s expression of itself is a total reversal from the perception of the female body as sacred.

Words are powerful in conveying and perpetuating attitudes, and patriarchal words such as “bloat”, “discharge”, ‘unclean’ and ‘P.M.S.’ are effective in Propagating Menstrual Shame. They describe the deliberate destruction of female consciousness by keeping her from perceiving her divinity.

In India, this time of rest simply required that a woman was allowed to take a break from her household chores. Over the ages it was perversely twisted and given an “unclean” tag to prohibit a woman from entering the kitchen or a place of worship, a practice that is still followed today, in conservative communities.

We all go through a point in our lives when we have a “love-hate” relationship with our period, especially the women who experience a lot of pain and discomfort. I went through that in my teens, when I was uncomfortable with my feminine self (my mother) and identified more with the masculine (my father).

As I learned to love, appreciate and enjoy my femininity, I came to accept my cycle as perfectly normal, and to view it as a period of cleansing and renewal. I enjoy retreating for a couple of days to catch up on some much-needed rest, take a break from work, catch up on my reading, listen to music, even watch some TV.

Whether women choose to use pills to have fewer periods is a personal choice, made for personal reasons. But, to allow anyone to convince me that my periods are unnecessary, is to deny being a woman. And that’s completely unacceptable to me.

Recommended Reading:

Thanks to Mind-Mart, I came across this book by Dr. Susan Rako that dispels the notions being promoted by corporate medicine in America.

No More Periods?: The Risks of Menstrual Suppression and Other Cutting-Edge Issues About Hormones and Women’s Health

Observing the radical shift in the medical community toward menstrual suppression as a viable option in women’s health, Dr. Rako sees not only a vast information gap for women, but a serious health crisis on the horizon. Drug companies and many health professionals are promoting the idea that it is okay, even preferable, for women to forgo their periods if they are not trying to get pregnant, and many women, when faced with the choice, are seriously considering that option. But what isn’t being discussed enough are the hazards of such suppression, risks that include osteoporosis, heart attacks, strokes, and cancer.

In No More Periods? Dr. Rako delves into the whys, hows, and musts of women’s gynecological health and takes a reasoned stand for believing that nature and our bodies have an intelligence about this critical issue. This book is a call to sanity from a woman who has become known as a devout defender of women’s health rights.

“Tampering with the hormonal climate of healthy menstruating women, including teenage girls whose lives stretch ahead for decades, for the purpose of doing away with their periods is, in a word, reckless. Manipulating women’s hormonal chemistry for the purpose of menstrual suppression threatens to be the largest uncontrolled experiment in the history of medical science. Hands down.

What the media has not conveyed, what the public has not heard, what too few health professionals know, and what every woman and her doctor must know about the hazards of menstrual suppression deserves a voice. I am determined that it will have one.”€Susan Rako, M.D.

Popularity: 19% [?]

We humans love to label stuff. Perhaps we do this to understand our environment and ourselves better. In some fields, like biology, labels and classifications work, because they are based on a reductionistic approach and view life-forms as separate.

Most life-forms don’t care about being labelled. It doesn’t make a difference to them whether they’re called cephalopods or arthropods. But for humans, being labelled is judgmental and a display of prejudice.

Here are just a few of ways we use labels for ourselves and our fellow humans:

• Race (African, Asian, Caucasian)
• Religion (Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew)
• Country (Indian, Pakistani, British, American)
• Cultural (Eastern, Western)
• Gender (Male, Female)
• Skin colour (Fair, dark, white, black, brown)
• Looks (beautiful, ugly, plain)
• Body type (tall, short, thin, fat, obese)
• Income (rich, poor, upper class, lower class)
• Intelligence (genius, average, retard)
• Personality (Type A/B, depressed, borderline, psychotic, schizoid, ADHD)
• Profession (lawyer, accountant, doctor, writer, singer, actor)
• Marital status (married, single, divorced, widowed)

Psychologists and marketers love this sort of segmentation, because it helps them serve their clients in more effective ways.

The question I want to ask is - exactly how does it help to label ourselves according to the definitions above? Do we need a label in order to identify with the human race? Aren’t we doing ourselves and others an injustice when we label people we interact with?

The labels above are the more benign ones we use everyday. But labelling imposes huge limitations on us, especially when we learn them during our impressionable years (early childhood and our teenage years).

Labels such as kaali (dark) or “stupid”, or beliefs that the boy-child is more precious than the girl-child, have scarred the self-image of many innocent children, creating self-hate and insecurity as adults.

If you must label a child, do it in a positive way. Teach her to accept herself, show her that she is beautiful, and point out the features that make her unique and special.

As babies, we are born pure and untouched by prejudice. We learn segregation, racism, communalism, colour-consciousness, and other such bigoted views from our parents, community and society. We learn to react to the physicalities and personalities of others, rather than respond to their souls.

The soul knows no labels. It is neither male not female, black nor white. It has no race or religion. It is pure Spirit and knows it is one with the Universe. It is at a level where there are no distinctions or separate identities.

Labels, like the ones above, are imposed by the Ego (Personality). But at the level of the Higher Self (Soul), we are all the same, and there is no use for labels.

As evolving beings, we must learn to see each other at the soul level. And we can only do that when we learn to act from our Higher Self, when we treat ourselves and our fellow humans (since, on the soul level, we are all one) with compassion and acceptance.

But what of those who try to harm us?

Do not try to change them. Realise that they are only acting from their own fear and pain. Setting boundaries is a way of showing compassion and refusing to take on the pain of others. Everyone has their lessons to learn. When we take on the task of changing others, we are not doing them a favour, because they will never learn their lessons.

We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. Tolerance is something that has been sold to Indians for ages, under the guise of secularism. But tolerance is just suppressed resentment. And resentment is bound to erupt in hate at some point.

It is not tolerance, but acceptance we have to work towards. Acceptance based on the knowledge that we are not separate beings, but different parts of the same being. Non-acceptance of each other stems from non-acceptance of our self, and fear of our dark side.

Nowadays, when I notice myself being judgmental of others, I take a step back and look inside myself to see which part of me I am refusing to accept. I then make peace with that part of me, and learn to be compassionate with my own flaws.

From unconditional self-acceptance comes healing, and compassion and acceptance for others.

When we refuse to label ourselves as fat or thin, pretty or ugly, dark or fair, we will learn to see our true inner beauty. And, since our outer world is just a reflection of our inner world, the beauty within will be reflected in our lives and in our world.

Recommended Reading:

Unconditional Self Acceptance

I am a great fan of Cheri Huber, a Zen teacher and author. In this audiobook she uses various guided meditations, exercises and reflections to help the listener get in touch with their deepest self and get a better understanding of their conditioned responses while learning self compassion.

Some of her other books that touch upon this subject are

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline

We are conditioned to think that if we were only a little better in some way, we would be happy. But, Huber says, no amount of self-punishment will ever make us happy or bring us control over life’s problems. The help we are looking for is really found in self-acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Compassionate self-discipline € the will to take positive steps in life € is found through nothing other than being present.

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

This book reveals the origin of self-hate, how self-hate works, how to identify it, and how to go beyond it. It provides examples of some of the forms self-hate takes, including taking blame but not credit, holding grudges, and trying to be perfect, and explores the many facets of self-hate, including its role in addiction, the battering cycle, and the illusion of control. After addressing these factors, it illustrates how a meditation practice can be developed and practiced in efforts to free oneself from self-hating beliefs.

Transcendent Beauty: It Begins with a Single Choice…to Be!

I am currently reading this book authored by Crystal Andrus - a woman who is beautiful, both inside and out. She shows us that while most people talk about attractiveness as being merely physical, true beauty definitely comes from the soul. She teaches you to let your inner beauty shine by becoming comfortable with who you are and taming your ego - that critical, fearful voice in your head.

See a selection of resources on Inner Child Healing

Popularity: 26% [?]

I’m a big believer in energy medicine, and have been using meditation and reiki for the last year, to heal myself in mind, body and spirit. In my desire to treat my body as my temple, I eliminated, from my diet, foods that I believed were not good for me. I programmed my mind so strongly against junk food, that my body now rejects it.

In the last year, I lost over 25 pounds of extra flab. Meditation, inner work, and a healthier diet helped a great deal. But the main reason I lost that load rather easily (with little or no exercise) was because I decided that the weight no longer served me.

We women don’t realise how much of our weight gain is emotional. And I don’t mean only because of overeating (although that does affect many women), because I’m a rather poor eater.

People tend to put on weight when they’re stressed, depressed or ill. With women especially, low self-esteem tends to lead to a vicious cycle where we put on weight, stop caring about the way we look, which causes us to put on even more weight.

Fact is, when you’re stressed out, perhaps suffering from low self-esteem, or have a lot of negativity in your life, your body goes into starvation-mode and tends to store weight. For sensitive people, fat actually acts as a buffer against negative energy.

Intuitive healer, Judith Orloff, M.D, explains the energetic premise of obesity, in her book, “Positive Energy: Ten Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear Into Vibrance, Strength, and Love“.

One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don’t factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surrounds the body.

Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies.

Here’s the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin, they have less padding and are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth-century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient’s symptoms — a common trap I’ve seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device.

Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath’s hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed, it’s important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating.

Although I don’t eat to ground myself, my body still tended to store fat when I was stressed out or depressed. Once I learned how to use meditation to ground myself, the fat fell away easily.

Find Your “Why” And The “How” Will Follow

I come from a family that encouraged music, rather than athletics. Except for the occasional stint in the gym, I never took physical fitness seriously. Over the years, I tried a few ignorant and misguided attempts at working out. One of those ended in collapse from over training, so I was very wary of starting any new workout program.

Besides, I loved my curves and had no desire to look like a skinny supermodel. But, accepting your body is one thing. Denying your poor health is another. The emotional and health challenges of the last few years had taken their toll on my body, and I found it difficult to build chi, beyond a point, for the purpose of healing.

Building chi energy requires muscle strength and excellent blood circulation. As a healer and lightworker, my less-than-adequate fitness levels were an obstacle to my spiritual growth. Also, as a woman over 35, I knew that I would soon start losing lean muscle and bone mass, if I didn’t take steps to preserve it. To boost my healing abilities, and preserve my quality of life, I simply had to get serious about my fitness goals.

I read that the best way to build strength is with weights or resistance training. So, I began my education in fitness and strength training with Jon Benson’s Fit Over 40, an inspiring ebook that features a number of amazing role models who overcame disability, age, and other serious health challenges, to achieve levels of fitness most of us can only dream of.

Especially awe-inspiring was the story of a 77-year old grandmother, who also happens to be a champion bodybuilder!

Bodybuilding And The Law of Attraction

Personally, I have no intention of participating in bodybuilding contests, but I did realise, that bodybuilders are actually some of the best role models for manifesting abundance.

Not only are they highly focused and motivated, they are also familiar with many techniques (including creative visualisation), taught by spiritual gurus and Law of Attraction teachers, to achieve their dream bodies. My favourite fitness gurus are Tom Venuto, Jon Benson and Will Brink.

I learned a lot about manifestation from Jon’s Fit Over 40 book, where he describes very creative ways to use visualisation to manifest goals. Jon talks about the need to get rid of limiting beliefs, and heal the spirit before we can heal our bodies. He recently started the M-Power Inner Circle to help people achieve the life of their dreams.

I don’t believe we can consider physical fitness in isolation from financial, emotional or spiritual fitness. A healthy mind, healthy body, healthy finances, and a healthy spirit are like spokes in the wheel of abundance. If either one of these spokes is weak, the wheel is in danger of collapsing.

Why Vijay Mallya Is NOT The “Richard Branson Of India”

Like Jon, I believe that a person who is deficient in even one of these areas is not truly a success and is not expressing her full potential. That’s why it irritates me to hear Indians comparing Dr. Vijay Mallya with Sir Richard Branson. Sure, Dr. Mallya, has the wealth, the flamboyance and the lifestyle. But you only have to take one look at him to see that, physically, the man is a wreck.

I believe overall fitness levels are a good indicator of a person’s emotional set-point. You know something is not quite right, when a person who can afford to employ the world’s best fitness professionals, doesn’t care enough to take care of his own body.

For me, Dr. Mallya is simply not a patch on the athletic Sir Branson. I have nothing against Dr. Mallya personally, but a role model for success, he is not!

You are only given one body. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. A month ago, I didn’t even know what a Rep was. Today I work out in the gym thrice a week, and on other days practice T’ai Chi and Pilates. If I can’t work out for a day or so, I really miss the endorphins. Believe me, they can be pretty addictive.

Resources: Free bodybuilding and weight loss ebooks

Popularity: 23% [?]

Has feminism left us confused about the roles we play as men and women in today’s society? To some extent, I believe it has. It’s made women like us more focused on action, which in terms of energy, is yang or masculine. Feminine, or yin energy, on the other hand is about being, about receiving.

Yet, in a modern world where women are increasingly taking on male roles, it’s becoming harder to balance our feminine energy with the roles we must play in our careers and relationships. We’re not as comfortable with receiving, with leaning back, and allowing men to express their masculinity, as the women of yesteryears were.

In some ways it has benefited us because too much passivity (yin) invites abusive behaviour. Too much yang energy, on the other hand, is repelling. The key to healthier interactions, then, is striking a balance, and knowing how to express our energies in an appropriate manner at work and home.

From advice on how to avoid overfunctioning in relationships, to being a woman boss who commands respect without having to act like a man, to being proactive about your personal safety, the articles in this issue will try to address that imbalance.

In the month of July 2007, Naaree.com will hold a workshop on self-defense for women, so if you live in Mumbai, please register on the site to receive updates. Till next time, we’ll celebrate the arrival of the monsoon as it cools down the subcontinent and the earth bursts into greenery once more.

Read the June issue of Naaree.com: Expressing The Feminine

Popularity: 15% [?]

Yup, I’ve been OD-ing on the Star Wars series this weekend. I love George Lucas and his Jedi philosophy, inspired as it was by Eastern spiritual tradition, including Taoist philosophy and Qigong energy practices.

But, some of the episodes reminded me so much of another George - the President everyone loves to hate €œ and the world he is responsible for creating, that I just had to share the 5 reasons I think George Bush is a Sith Lord - Darth Invader.

1. He thinks in absolutes.

Only a Sith thinks in absolutes, said Obi-Wan Kenobi when Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader warned, If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy, in Part III: Revenge of the Sith. Reminds us so much of G.W.’s famous Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists, proclamation.

2. He acts from fear and revenge.

The Jedi act from compassion and love. The Sith use fear and hate to drive them. Notice how everything G.W. does is in reaction to fear or revenge. Revenge for what Saddam did to Daddy. Fear of being attacked. Fear of seeming weak. Fear of those who are different. Too bad he has no fear of looking like an idiot.

3. He uses deceit to achieve his ends.

The Sith are no strangers to deceit, hiding their true motives behind seemingly good intentions. Chancellor Palpatine hid his identity as a Sith Lord, to wipe out the Jedi and overthrow the Republic. Bush’s search for the still-missing Weapons of Mass Destruction turned out to be just as much of a red herring, and his War on Terror is just another attempt to pull the wool over our eyes. Paul Craig Roberts offers his take on this in Is Bush A Sith Lord?

4. His idea of fun is to invade other countries without reason.

The Sith invade, take over or wipe out other planets, for no reason, other than the fact that they don’t kowtow to the Empire. Bush’s ego and pride have brought Iraq to the brink of civil war, threatened Iran, North Korea and anyone else who dared question American Imperial Rule.

5. He has a warped sense of justice.

The Jedi code - and any civilised society - mandates that an adversary must stand fair trial before justice is carried out. But Bush used a kangaroo court to hang his old foe, Saddam Hussein. Fair trial? Oh nooo! That would have exposed far too many skeletons in the CIA’s closet.

Given more time, I’m sure I could come up with many more parallels between G.W. and the Dark Side Of The Force. Instead I’ll leave you with this video that left many of us wondering why Bush is holding the green lightsaber instead of the red one.

Tags: Star Wars, george lucas revenge of the sith jedi sith lightsaber anakin skywalker Dark Side Of The Force George Bush iraq iraq war on terror iran

Popularity: 15% [?]

I’ve just been reviewing a set of videos by Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette), where he discusses the tools and skills you need to judge your partner’s character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.

Especially eye-opening was the segment on how one’s parents and childhood experiences shape the kind of partner one is destined to become. Our parents are, after all, our first and most significant role models for romantic relationships.

Watching the videos helped me realise how our relationship with our parents - especially the parent we identify with the most - shapes our views of roles in marriage. I also learned that the lens through which we see the parent of the opposite sex, is the way we ultimately see our partner.

A woman who adores her dad (like me) will probably adore her partner, often to the extent of idealising him and overlooking his flaws. A woman who has a father who abused or abandoned her will have a hard time trusting men.

A man who shares a healthy relationship with his mother is more likely to treat women with respect. By healthy I mean balanced - as in neither too distant, nor too enmeshed.

Most Indian men share an enmeshed relationship with their mothers, characterised by poor boundaries, and are unable to assert themselves and prevent their parents from interfering in (and often ruining) their marital relationships. Just open to the Agony Aunt column of any publication and you’ll see how common this phenomenon is.

Childhood experiences are some of the strongest predictors of what your mate will be like as a spouse and parent. That’s why it’s so important to get to know your partner AND his family as well as you can, before you decide on marrying.

You’ll get a good indication of how a man will treat you after marriage, by observing how his father treats his mother. And observing his family’s dynamics and behaviour will prepare you for the sort of behaviour you can expect from your mate after marriage.

I guess that’s why the tradition of arranged marriage, so prevalent in India, has successfully produced many happy marriages. As Dr. Epp says, common values, upbringing, lifestyles and spiritual beliefs are just a few of the factors that play an important role in the success and failure of marriage.

It reminded me of the scene from The Namesake, where the cultural differences between Gogol and his American girlfriend eventually cause their relationship to unravel after his father’s death.

Inter-cultural and inter-religious relationships - like my marriage to my late husband - require a lot more patience and understanding to work. But I think the reason they do work, is because couples who choose to be in such relationships are more accomodating and open-minded in the first place.

Dr. Epp also makes an excellent case for taking it slow and pacing a relationship. Most relationship experts recommend a longer dating period - two years, at least - to increase the likelihood that your marriage will succeed.

One of the most interesting concepts in the book is the Relationship Attachment Model - the importance of keeping a healthy balance among the five relationship dynamics of Knowledge - Trust - Reliance - Commitment - Touch - in that order.

Your ability to bond long-term is enhanced by the boundaries you set in the short-term, notes Dr. Epp. People who have poor boundaries, and come on too strong or get enmeshed quickly, are never good candidates for a long-term relationship.

To stay in the safe zone, never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous. That essentially means, it would be naive to trust a person before getting to know him, and codependent to start to rely on him before learning to trust and know him better.

Studies have also found that commitment has a very powerful bonding effect in marital relationships, is a strong indicator of happiness in a relationship, and grows and deepens over time.

People who live together or cohabit before marriage have a higher rate of divorce, largely because commitment levels are lower in a live-in relationship. Premarital cohabitation seems to damage long-term commitment because it imbalances the bonding dynamics in a relationship, states Dr. Epp.

When the levels of the five dynamics are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy, and you tend to overlook crucial characteristics of the other person that should be exposed and explored.

We’ve all known women who get too involved too quickly, and then rationalise their doubts about the men they’re dating to justify staying in the relationship. I’ve often been guilty of rationalising my mate’s flaws, and one of the statements in the book that I relate to easily is that

Good-hearted people have the greatest risk for staying in a relationship with a jerk, because (they) so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances.

I’m among those who tends to tolerate far more than necessary in all my relationships - not just the romantic ones. I’m often too patient and forgiving for my own good, always trying to think the best of others, overlooking things that, for most people, would have been reason enough to end the relationship.

I think women - and Indian women in particular - are conditioned to be like that. To forgive, adjust and sacrifice - to their own detriment. I see many of my married friends frustated with their lives, unhappy with the way they’re treated by their husbands and in-laws, and going through various stages of depression. It makes me cherish my single status and my independence even more.

Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners and go on to have unhealthy relationships, notes Dr. Epp. For a happy relationship and marriage, both partners must be emotionally healthy, and free of childhood issues and unhealthy emotional baggage that might affect their ability to relate to the opposite sex. They must also have insight into their own behaviour, be willing to change, if necessary, and be in control of their emotions.

I realised that, if I had a pattern of attracting jerks, I had only myself to blame, because of my codependency and lack of healthy boundaries. Taking responsibility for my issues empowered me to change them.

Though I’ve always had a hard time being assertive and setting boundaries, I’m learning and getting better at it everyday. I’ve had to end relationships and cut some people out of my life, but I think of it as the price of growth.

I’m currently reading a really good book by Cheryl Richardson, called Stand Up for Your Life: Develop the Courage, Confidence, and Character to Fulfill Your Greatest Potential (available at Landmark bookstore in Mumbai). I highly recommend it if you need to learn the skills to assert yourself more powerfully.

I enjoy the process of improving my relationship skills, and am not averse to being in a romantic relationship. Love is great, but marriage is not an option for me right now. I find it too restricting, and am really enjoying the freedom to live life on my own terms.

It’s often the fear of failure that keeps us from wanting to commit. When it comes to relationships, it’s a very valid fear. But, hey, everything in life is a risk. Getting out of my house is a risk!

So if you’re single, dating and not averse to taking that risk, use the amazing insights in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, to make better relationship choices, and stack the odds in your favour.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Since I started on my path of personal and spiritual growth over a year ago, my life has changed in so many ways. I’ve been transformed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I learned new ways of thinking, feeling and being that I never had access to earlier.

As I started treating my body as my temple, I became more sensitive to the messages it sent me about what I ate and how I exercised. I lost the desire to eat many of the foods I used to enjoy. I found myself unable to tolerate junk food €œ which meant no more KFC or McDonalds - and became intolerant to anything cooked with too much spice or oil.

I eliminated coffee, red meat and alcohol from my diet. I still enjoy my tea and the occasional need to indulge my sweet tooth, but my diet now largely consists of fruit, cereals and eggs.

As I responded to my body’s needs, it reciprocated by losing all the pounds I’d piled on after pregnancy, and I regained my health and energy levels. On an emotional level, I dealt with insecurities, fear, grief, anger, and worked through many issues that were holding me back.

A lot of physical issues, like weight gain and skin conditions, resolved themselves once I got rid of my emotional baggage. It just proved to me how deeply connected our emotions are to physical dis-ease, a fact which Louise Hay explains so well in her book, Heal Your Body.

On a spiritual level, I learned to raise my vibration, to heal myself, and others. As I began to listen to messages from my inner self, my insights and intuition improved. I learned mindfulness, self-love and self-acceptance. Loneliness ceased to be an issue when I learned to cultivate a strong connection with myself, and the Divine.

At the risk of being labelled eccentric, I no longer think it selfish or unnatural when I prefer my own company - or that of a few good friends - over the mindless socialising that others seem to enjoy. I prefer solitary, mind-enhancing pursuits, like reading a good book or watching a movie or meditating, to hanging out in noisy places, like pubs or discos.

I feel calmer and more at peace with myself today. I’m learning now to align with my higher self, and respond from love, rather than fear and ego. I don’t expect life to be smooth, but know my new perspective will help me handle anything it throws at me with grace and optimism.

Despite it’s considerable benefits, the path of growth was often scary, and not always smooth and painless. In order to grow, we have to let go of things, and people, that have comforted and given us security all our lives.

We have to step out of our comfort zones, face our fears, take risks, try new things and follow our heart, even when those closest to us are unable to support or believe in us. To reach where I am today, I had to let go of a lot of things that no longer served me €œ old beliefs, values, lifestyles and relationships.

Discomfort with old ways of being, is part of the process of spiritual growth, explains Faith Lynella in her ebook, Aspirin for the Spiritual Hangover. She writes

Each leap up the vibration scale brings access to that level’s priorities and worldview. When your vibration rate increases, it’s harder to relate to the frequency you left behind - its people, interests, and beliefs. You have less and less in common with them.

As people vibrate at a higher level, they attract different people and circumstances to them. Those relationships out of alignment fall away. The basis for relationships will be defined by each person’s energy levels.

I found that sometimes old habits fell away easily and relationships ended painlessly. At other times, it was much harder and I had to make a conscious effort to let go. Often, my fears took me two steps forward and one step back. But I came to realise that, in order to gain something new, you have to let go of the old. That’s the way the universe works.

The key to surviving my spiritual hangover was learning new skills and attitudes, like acceptance of the process, and learning to let go of control and resistance. Surrender doesn’t come easy to a control freak like me, and I resisted change many times €œ with painful consequences.

It’s not all gloomy, however, because as you raise your vibration and let go of things that no longer serve you, you also begin to attract into your life people and circumstances that support the New You.

And, like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly, once you’ve reached a higher plane of existence, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to go back to where you came from.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Women often tend to ignore their own financial well-being, allowing the men in their lives - fathers, husbands or brothers - to take decisions for them. It’s ok to turn to more informed people for financial advice, but neglecting to understand your financial rights and options can get you in a big mess.

When I found myself single again, I was forced to start taking decisions that, until then, I had left to my late husband. Since he passed away suddenly and neglected to take out an insurance policy, I had to take that decision immediately, for the sake of my little daughter’s future.

The burden of handling property and legal matters fell to me, and though I handled it well, I wish I’d taken more interest in such things when my husband was alive. Drawing from my own experience, the focus of the current issue of Naaree.com is on Property Rights for women, the topic of a seminar held recently in Mumbai.

We also carry features on Insurance and Investments for Indian women, besides our usual columns on dating, diet and wellness.

Check out the new articles on Naaree.com below:

Property Rights and Women
According to the amended Hindu Succession Act women have equal rights in parental property. Despite this, women are still denied their propery rights in modern India, reports Pallavi Bhattacharya.

Insurance Options For Indian Women
Whether it is life, health or property, as women, we tend to rely on others to make these judgments for us. But insurance is and essential tool to secure a financially happy future for ourselves and our loved ones.

Investment Tools For Women
While more and more women are pursuing high powered careers and becoming an inherent and valuable part of workforce, few, however, are aware of how to make themselves financially secure. Kinnary Nensee shows you how the right investments can make all the difference.

Domestic Violence (Physical and Emotional Abuse): Questions to Ask
There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of negating what others tell you and your thoughts, you need to stop and look at your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

Tolerating Abuse: How Much Is Enough?
It seems that for the average Indian family izzat is more important than a daughter. How much can we take and what is our limit when it comes to abuse, asks Khushboo Aulakh.

Tai Chi For Women
Relaxation, mood stabilising, weight loss, age control and self-defence - an adept Tai Chi practitioner can develop all of them. And aren’t these the very things every woman wants to acquire? Tai Chi, an internal martial art developed on thousands of years of Chinese history and culture is now taught and practised in India.

Dating Dish: Why ‘Perfect’ Men Are Dangerous
It’s human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning. But the truth is, the only way that a *real* relationship can emerge is by giving it time to develop in a healthy way, advises our dating coach, Paige Parker.

Dark Circles Puffy Eyes: Easy Natural Remedies
Dark circles and puffy eyes are one of the most frequently asked how-to-cure skin care related questions. Our beauty columnist, Angela Purcell, author of Magical Skincare Kingdom, recommends natural ways you can dramatically reduce, if not eliminate them.

Grab the Wheel: How to Get in the Driving Seat of Your Life
Are you truly in the driving seat of your life, or are you carting around a back-seat driver, or a mini-bus load of little voices with big desires? If there’s someone reaching over to turn your wheel it may be time to get assertive about what you want in your life and where you want to go.

Happy reading!

Popularity: 11% [?]

It’s been a little over a year since I discovered healing with energy medicine and I thought it was about time I devoted a new blog to this topic.

I will now be posting all new information on energy healing and auras on the new Energy Medicine blog. Check out the articles I posted there today:

• Aura Photography: Healing Your Energy Body
• Are You An Energy Vampire?

Popularity: 9% [?]