Soul Kadee

Way before Cinderella, and her wimpy ilk, waited for a prince to rescue them from their misery, women have been looking to a man to make them happy.

Indian culture (and Bollywood movies) also perpetuated the Pati-Parmeshwar myth - that a woman should look up to her husband as “God”.

Sati (widow burning) - a perversion of the scriptures, banned by law many decades ago - was the outcome of the belief that a woman cannot have an existence, or an identity, without her husband.

Out Of The Dark Ages? Not Yet…

It’s true that, in ancient times, a woman’s survival depended on her ability to attract a man who would provide for her. Today, however, women have many more options.

We no longer live in the dark ages, but thousands of years of evolution and cultural conditioning are proving difficult to eliminate overnight.

So, even in this enlightened day and age, you’ll find women all over the globe, who are desperate to find a man to “complete” them, and provide for them.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a mate, someone you can spend a lifetime with. It can be wonderful to have someone to love, hold and cherish.

The problem arises when you start depending on your mate to help you heal your childhood wounds, and make you happy or whole. That’s your therapist/healer’s job, not his.

No one but you, has the power to make you happy. When you give that power over to someone else, when you look outside of yourself for love and acceptance, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

As How To Have a Healthy Relationship notes,

Do not expect anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. Being happy is your own job and you are the only person that can do it. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way.

The truth is that no one has the ability to make another person happy, but often we can share in another’s happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.

Expecting too much from your mate, and making him responsible for your happiness, is destructive to your relationship. Not even a saint can live up to that sort of expectation.

Sacrifice Is Not The Solution

Beware, if your man actually wants that you depend on him for everything, and urges you to give up your interests, hobbies or career to take care of him and his needs (like Kay Kay Menon’s character in Life In A Metro, a must-watch movie).

These men are usually extremely insecure, and afraid of women who are strong, independent, and likely to leave them if they behave badly.

Every woman deserves to have a fulfilling life of her own, and an identity beyond being a housewife and mother.

When you give up things that fulfil you and nurture your spirit, for someone else’s demands (like Shilpa Shetty’s character in the same movie), you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, frustration, disillusionment and disappointment.

A healthy relationship is based on compromise, not sacrifice. Women who choose to sacrifice their happiness for others usually end up as bitter, negative and nagging.

Choosing to take responsibility for your own needs will not only take the pressure off your relationship, but help you realise your self-worth as a person.

What If He’s Abusive?

But what about an abusive relationship, you ask? Isn’t he the one who’s perpetrating the abuse and making you unhappy?

Yes, but, in a relationship between two adults, the only reason he can do that to you is because you LET him. As a grown woman, you’re an intelligent, thinking human being, with the power to make your own choices.

If, at the first instance of abuse, you don’t walk out, or report an abusive man to the authorities, you’re teaching him that you’ll stay with him and tolerate his behaviour, no matter how he treats you or makes you feel.

Learning To Love Yourself

If you allow anyone to overstep your boundaries, or refuse to set limits to what you will tolerate, you’re showing them that you don’t love or respect yourself enough to leave the relationship.

Some women complain that they give a lot, and do a lot for others, but no one does anything for them. These women are usually codependents, people pleasers who depend on other people’s appreciation for their self-esteem.

They don’t realise that people only treat you the way you treat yourself. So, if you don’t respect yourself and allow yourself to be a doormat, that’s exactly how others in your life will treat you.

Choosing To Be Miserable

It takes just as much energy to decide to be happy as it does to be miserable. So why do so many women choose the latter?

After listening to many women complain about their lives, and what their men did to them, I realised that the payoff they get from remaining in their situation, is being able to complain and be a victim.

Many women have invested so much of their lives in playing the victim, that they have no reason to leave a bad relationship, because they’d no longer get the attention and sympathy they get by staying miserable.

And since misery loves company, you’ll often find these women with negative attitudes, sitting together, bitching about women who chose to put their own happiness first.

What Women Can Learn From Men

One of the things I respect about men, is that they refuse to complain about their problems. Complaining in a man is seen as a sign of weakness.

You’ll rarely find men venting about their problems to their wives. Except for the negative, complaining types (yes there are men like that, also), most prefer to find a solution and talk about it afterward. Women have a lot to learn from this attitude.

It’s ok to vent from time to time. But, as Dr. Margaret Paul, author of Inner Bonding, points out, many women use venting as an addiction, to avoid taking responsibility for their feelings, without exploring how they are responsible for creating their upsets, with no motivation to learn or change.

One reason, I believe, traditional psychotherapy fails to help such people is that it validates the expression of negativity, often for years.

With little or no encouragement to become more mindful and self-aware of how one’s attitudes are contributing to one’s own misery, patients are caught in a vicious loop that benefits no one but the therapist.

If you need to get rid of your negativity, use a diary or journal to write down your thoughts instead. Bitching and negativity will only send out more of the vibrations that you want to avoid.

Happiness Is A Choice

Fact: The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. How you react to any situation is less a reflection of what happens, than how you respond to what happens. Happiness is more a result of YOUR state of mind, than the state of the world.

There are people who can retain their optimism in even the worst of circumstances. And there are those who cannot be happy in any circumstances.

Your attitude is YOUR CHOICE. No one can make you miserable if you don’t LET them.

As this wonderful quote by Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, says,

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Take Responsibility For Your Choices

As 8 Ways To Happiness notes, you need to take ownership of your emotions and be responsible for the choices you make. And if you don’t like a situation in your life, you’re the only one who can change it.

If you’re in an unhappy relationship, explore the reasons why you’re unhappy. If it’s because you think your mate must do such-and-such to make you happy, you’re giving up power over your own life and expecting too much from him.

If he’s the same man you married, remember that you CHOSE him, and that expecting him to change for you is unfair.

If he’s changed and has abdicated his responsibilities or hurt you, then you need to take a serious look at whether you’re still compatible, and make your choices accordingly.

Just remember that change is inevitable. And if you and your mate can’t grow together and adjust through all life’s ups and downs, your relationship is not likely to stand the test of time.

So, instead of blaming your mate, your mother-in-law or anyone else for your misery, change your attitude and beliefs, and take the steps YOU need to take to be happy.

Taking responsibility for your own needs, your happiness and your life, is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself - and the only way to make your relationships work.

As I tell my daughter, if Cinderella had any sense, she’d have kicked her abusive step-mom and step-sisters out (after all, the house did belong to her legally) and got a life of her own.

I’m just glad that my daughter has better role models than weepy, disempowered women who refuse to take responsibility for their own happiness.

Related posts:

Stupid Mistake #1: Making The Relationship Your Raison D’Etre

Stupid Mistake #2: Being Too Dependent On A Man

Stupid Mistake #7: Neglecting Yourself

Popularity: 55% [?]

I believe that we’re all wounded souls, here on Earth to complete our karma and work on becoming a better human being. All relationships are our lessons, and people our teachers. Our relationships are mirrors that reveal our flaws, and the people in our lives are only reflections of the energy that we put out.

Imagine my shock, then, when I realised that in my own relationships, I’ve been attracting men who were either self-absorbed, controlling and narcissistic, or clingy, insecure and needed “fixing”. I knew it was time to do some serious soul-searching, and reflect on what it was in me that was attracting such people.

As I became more self-aware, I came to realise that I had codependent tendencies (tended to give too much) and weak boundaries (had a hard time saying “no”), that literally made me a magnet for the wrong sort of men.

Weak boundaries seem to be a common issue with those who are highly sensitive and empaths. For people like me, one of the most important life lessons is learning how to set boundaries in relationships. So, I decided I needed a time-out from dating, to work on strengthening my boundaries and learning assertiveness skills.

What is a boundary and what does it mean to set your boundaries? Rinatta Paries explains in her article, Setting Boundaries In Relationships, that

A boundary is a DIVIDING LINE between you and anyone else, even a loved one. The line represents both physical and emotional limits others may not VIOLATE.

A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt, outrage, etc. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone, even your most loved one, from crossing the line with you.

Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth, your self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are WORTHY of care.

Without boundaries, we often end up giving and giving, until we have nothing left to give in our relationships. We end up feeling used, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or violated because we lacked the courage to speak up and assert ourselves when we needed to.

As Robert Burney, author of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, notes

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.

A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

The first step in setting personal boundaries is becoming aware of how and why you are allowing others to violate them. Read Ten Rights Of An Assertive Individual to understand what issues you should start setting boundaries for.

Coping.org has some of the best information on learning to set boundaries, and the comprehensive article here explains why low self-esteem is one of the primary reasons we allow others to violate our boundaries.

People with low self-esteem have their major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others.

This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened “internal locus of control” and become dependent on a strong “external locus of control.” They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.

People with low self-esteem are dependent on others’ approval and recognition and are therefore fearful of rejection by and conflict with others. It has been estimated in the self-esteem literature that over 90 percent of us are suffering from low self-esteem at one degree or another. Therefore most people in relationships are currently suffering from low self-esteem or recovering from it.

While it’s easier to walk out of a relationship that is clearly abusive, it’s not so easy to leave a codependent or caregiving relationship with an addict or dysfunctional person. It’s like the addictive relationship between Kate Moss and her fiance, Pete Doherty, that, despite very public stints in rehab, allows them both to enable each other’s cocaine addiction.

For Indian women, or those from cultural backgrounds where unhealthy stereotypes of women are glorified - as in the “woman-as-martyr” theme in Indian mythology (Sita in the Ramayana) and the Sati-Savitri of Hindi cinema - the risk is even greater, because of the pressure to “stick by your man” in times of trouble. No matter that he has an abusive, addictive, or dyfunctional personality.

The younger generation of women seems to be rejecting this harmful stereotyping, but the “Mama’s boys” in our male population are still waiting for a woman who will take care of them and do for them what any healthy adult should be able to do for himself (see Codependence and the Indian Male). Little wonder, then, that so many Indian marriages are disintegrating under the pressure of dual-income homes.

But boundaries are not only required between intimate partners. It’s essential to learn to set boundaries in ANY relationship, whether at work, with your boss, co-workers, and customers, or at home, with your parents, children, family and in-laws. Children who grow up without boundaries become incapable of discipline, are in danger or being either spoiled or neglected, and go on to have dysfunctional relationships of their own.

As Indians, we’re taught to respect elders, so we tend to have more difficulty setting healthy boundaries with older people, like parents and in-laws. This unhealthy tolerance of elders’ interference is not just irritating and destructive to marriages. It often leads to the abuse, torture and dowry deaths, that we read about almost everyday.

As far as elders are concerned, my take is that they do deserve respect, but only if also they treat YOU with respect. Respect must be EARNED, in my opinion. And the best way to earn my respect, is by treating ME the way you wish to be treated. I avoid people, elders or otherwise, who behave in a disrespectful, critical or controlling manner with me. And that includes those who insist on giving me unsolicited, “helpful” advice.

If you come from a dysfunctional family (where one or both parents were alcoholic, addicts, abusive, absent or suffered from a mental illness) you may not even know what a healthy relationship looks like. The Coping.org website describes what a healthy, intimate relationship looks like here.

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship.

A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from the “paralysis of analysis” needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people’s feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.

A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

Sandra Brown, M.A., writes in her ebook, How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that healthy boundaries (or the lack of them) are the most important indication of whether or not a man is a capable of being in a healthy relationship.

If you’ve been getting into relationships with men who lie or cheat, are married or unavailable, needy, clingy, dysfunctional, manipulative, exploitative, violent, abusive, pathological, or harm you in any way, you need to get a copy of her book now.

However, blaming society, family, cultural conditioning, or the man you’re involved with, is not helpful. It reduces you to playing a victim’s role, and takes away your power. If you want things to change, you need to take responsibility for the role you played in ALLOWING your partner to behave the way he did, and accept that any change has to come from inside you.

That includes learning to spot the signs that you’re violating your own boundaries in a relationship, learning healthy ways to express yourself when setting boundaries (minus anger and blame), and doing the work it takes to build healthy boundaries.

Many of us are afraid of setting boundaries because we don’t want to change the status quo in our relationships. We worry that setting boundaries will “upset the applecart”, and even break up a relationship or marriage.

Yes, there’s a distinct possibility that, when we change the dynamics of a relationship, we risk losing the other person. I’ve had men complain bitterly about my “rules”, and I’ve dumped men for disrespecting me, taking me for granted, standing me up, or asking me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with (like lending them money).

I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And if we’re willing to let them cross the line even once, it becomes harder and harder to push it back. When we don’t make rules for how we let ourselves be treated, we are not being loving to ourselves. And the more we ignore our own needs and put other’s needs above our own, the more we harm our own self-esteem.

Today, I’d gladly accept the risk of ending a relationship, if it means that I’m taking care of myself and protecting my well-being. I know that being good to myself is more important than trying to save a relationship that is not right for me in the first place.

I realised that if I want to be loving to myself, I need to state very clearly what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. I know today, that the only way to be in a healthy relationship, is to demand to be treated with the respect and consideration I deserve.

Toltec teacher, Don Miguel Ruiz, writes in an article on Boundaries that

We can create acceptable boundaries with people whose emotional poison we do not want to eat. When we respect ourselves, we will not allow disrespect from anybody else. This is not selfishness, it’s self-love. The controlling aspect is selfishness–wanting a partner to stay with us even if we are in hell. If we go into relationships because, “Oh I need you so much,” it’s selfishness, not self-love.

Relationships can be so wonderful. We can be completely open and loving. But just because we love someone, that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their anger, jealousy or abuse. We don’t need to be abused, and we can’t send out our abuse either.

Recommended Reading:

How To Spot A Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown, M.A.

Supreme Self-Esteem for Women

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child - Highly recommended.

Boundaries by Don Miguel Ruiz

Books on Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Appropriately

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Improving Assertive Behavior

Popularity: 53% [?]

We women can be such stupid, self-sacrificing martyrs sometimes. And that especially applies in our relationships. I see so many amazing women willing to date and/or marry men who are simply not worth their while. And, I confess, I used to be one of them.

Is it a result of our conditioning that we’re willing to accept less than respectful behaviour from men in relationships? Is it our codependent tendencies that cause us to choose dysfunctional men who need “rescuing”?

Is it our cultural conditioning that makes us put a man’s needs above our own? What is it that makes so many educated and intelligent Indian women settle for arranged marriages with men they feel little or no attraction for?

Should we blame women’s liberation - or women themselves - for allowing men to think that they can have their cake without having to make a commitment in relationships?

The younger generation of Indian women are increasingly open about sex. As long as they practice safe sex, I fully support their desire to experiment, as a natural process of exploring and establishing one’s sexual preferences.

Many Indian marriages become unsatisfying for one or both partners, because women remain sexually ignorant till after the wedding, and some end up learning about their husband’s sexual perversions only when it’s too late.

The danger with casual sex, however, is that women tend to misinterpret a man’s readiness to have sex as a desire for a long-term commitment. And this misconception is not restricted to Indian culture. It applies to women everywhere.

It’s sad when we women end up devaluing ourselves and our bodies, by using sex as bait to “get and keep a man”. We need to understand that this is not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship, based on mutual respect and affection.

According to Sandra L. Brown, M. A., counselor and author of How To Spot A Dangerous Man (which I am currently reading and highly recommend), it’s low self-esteem that makes women willing participants in the process of settling for a less than desirable mate. She writes that,

Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying, and healthy relationship is a reflection of a woman’s low esteem level.

Often women settle for undesirable men, unsatisfying relationships, or marriages of convenience, out of loneliness, or the fear that they won’t get anyone better.

Yes, it’s a self-esteem issue. And one I battled myself, until I realised that, if I don’t value myself, and expect the best that life has to offer me, why should anyone else value me?

Lack of self-love and self-esteem destroys a woman’s belief in herself, and tricks her into thinking that she doesn’t deserve any better than the loser who -

• Can’t hold a steady job
• Doesn’t believe in monogamy
• Abuses and beats up on women
• Has a criminal record
• Is addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, work, sports (take your pick)
• Has mental health issues
• Doesn’t value her
• Is commitment-phobic
• Is a mama’s boy (my pet hate!)

The scary thing is that many women don’t even see some of these issues as a problem. We imbibe so many disempowering beliefs from our family, society and popular culture.

What message does it send when we see beautiful women, like Zarina Wahab, turn a blind eye to their husband’s indiscretions, so they don’t have to face the truth about their bad marriage?

What does it say to Indian women when we see desirable women like Aishwarya Rai, tolerate abuse at the hands of a dangerous, narcisstic man like Salman Khan (thank heaven she redeemed herself by making Provoked)?

Or, closer home, when we see our own parents choosing to stay in a bad or abusive marriage, instead of choosing the happiness they deserve.

According to the Law of Attraction, the Universe gives you whatever you ASK for. But only if you truly believe you DESERVE IT. If you indicate, by your actions, that you’re willing to settle for less, then less is what you’ll get.

So, if you’re willing to settle for a man who abuses you, is emotionally unavailable or mentally unhinged, or for the married man who’ll be “out of his marriage any day now,” you’re essentially telling the Universe, “I DON’T BELIEVE I DESERVE a healthy, loving man who truly values and cherishes me for myself.”

When I realised that I had to love and value myself before I could expect anyone else to love and value me, I decided never to get involved with a man who was not capable of the kind of relationship I desire.

In reality, it was not that simple. After my husband passed away two years ago, I should have realised that my grief would impair my judgement and self-esteem, and stayed away from relationships until I’d healed completely.

As it happened, I did get into a long-term, on-off relationship, with a man who genuinely cared for me and helped me heal. The only problem was that neither of us expected or wanted it to be “permanent”.

Today, I’ve learned that these transitory relationships are sometimes meant to help us heal and open up to love again, after experiencing a painful loss or break-up. It certainly helped me realise that I was capable of loving again.

I learned a great deal about myself in that relationship, and will always cherish my memories of it. But, even though I believe in living in the moment, I knew that, sooner or later, I’d have to take the painful decision to move on.

While learning about the Law Of Attraction, I realised that the reason I was attracting emotionally unavailable men into my life, was because I was emotionally unavailable and commitment-phobic myself. We attract who we ARE, says the LOA.

So, here I was, willing to settle for a low-maintenance relationship, because of my own fears of intimacy, engulfment and commitment. We women, however, are not built for such relationships, and I think feminism has done women a great disservice by allowing us to believe otherwise.

Sex is a bonding experience for most women. And, if you’re the sort of woman whose been in a committed, monogamous relationship most of her adult life, you’re deluding yourself if you think that you’re capable of having a “bit of fun” without damaging your fragile self-esteem.

In her post on not lowering your standards, mental health therapist, Jennifer, notes that,

While compromise is essential to having a really healthy partnership, there is never a reason you should feel it necessary in a relationship to give up your personal standards of morality, integrity, or decency. Any guy who requires you to lower your personal standards is not a good match for you.

This is not about one way, belief, or ideal being better than another, nor is it about one way of living being the “right” way. It is about you remaining true to your personal standards and finding a guy who respects and honors your truths and ideals.

Women that alter or lower their personal or religious views or standards for a man typically find themselves feeling unauthentic and harmed by the relationship.

I know today, that I deserve far better than what I was getting in my last relationship, but also realise that it’s completely up to me to face and conquer my own fears, before I’m capable of healthy intimacy once more.

I decided to come clean and admit that romantic relationships are not high on of my list of priorities right now. I’m at a stage in life where I’d rather read a good book or watch a good movie, than spend precious time and energy on a man.

Today, my business, my daughter, and my spiritual growth are the most important things in my life. So, rather than attract another unfulfilling relationship, I decided to take a “time-out” from the dating scene for a while.

It might seem a bit extreme, but there are times in life when you need to take a step back to introspect, commit to healing yourself, and focus on the things that are truly important to you.

Besides, it feels so good to admit that I’m no longer willing to settle for a relationship in which I don’t feel valued. It’s my way of nurturing and honouring myself and my feelings.

Relationship expert, Barbara de Angelis, notes that

Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

Taking a “relationship time-out” doesn’t mean I’m closed to being friends with a man. It just means that I value myself too much to settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate me as a person or want to be in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with me.

Sandra L. Brown writes in How To Spot A Dangerous Man, that

Women everywhere could benefit from taking a time out from dating. Unfortunately, few women give themselves time off from dating because of a fear of being alone.

She explains that a dating “time-out” can give us some much-needed healing time, to put ourselves first and focus on our own recovery, on the changes we need to see in our thinking, and on examining how previous relationship problems occurred in our lives.

Self-awareness - understanding yourself, becoming aware of your fears, your reactions, your patterns, and listening to your intuition - is really the best defense against bad dating choices.

Today, I know I can be happy with or without a man. I don’t need a man to “complete me”. I’ve never felt more whole and complete as a person, and am no longer willing to lower my standards for any one. Here’s hoping more women will be inspired to do the same.

Recommended Reading:

Self-worth and Self-esteem

Learning to Love… Myself

Settling for Less Than God’s Best: A Relationship Check-Up for Single Women

Settling For Less

The Relationship Mistake of Settling

The Problem of “Settling”

Too Close Too Soon: Avoiding the Heartache of Premature Intimacy

Boundaries in Dating

Popularity: 38% [?]

If you’ve ever travelled by airplane (and I’m sure most of you have), you’ll know that there’s a good reason why the stewardess instructs you to first put on your own oxygen mask, before helping the passenger next to you. Its because you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Yet, a lot of us women forget this essential truth, especially when we become mothers and wives. Once we have that little baby in our arms we act like we don’t matter any more, like she’s the only thing that matters. I know, I felt like that when my daughter was born.

As it happened, my late husband and I were also going through a period of financial and emotional stress at that time, so in my desire to contribute to the family finances, I started taking my internet business very seriously, spending many hours a day at the computer, often with my baby sleeping in my lap.

Like most new moms, I hardly slept or ate properly. I let myself go, allowing my own needs to come last. As a result of neglecting myself, my physical and emotional well-being suffered so badly that about four years ago I was diagnosed with systemic lupus erythematosus, a chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue.

For some reason lupus seems to be more active in women of child-bearing age, after they’ve had a baby. There is usually a genetic predisposition, which is why not all women get it. But I think the reason it manifests is because we tend to neglect our own needs after the baby is born.

My illness was a wake-up call for me. I realised that if I wanted to be around to see my daughter grow up, I better start taking good care of myself. I read humongous volumes of literature on lupus and learned how it can be controlled, even reversed, with diet, exercise, alternative therapies and a healthy lifestyle.

I started taking the best supplements (write to me if you want to know which ones), following a healthy diet, learned meditation and yoga, and became serious about losing weight and getting fit. I also dealt with my own emotional and self-esteem issues and learned to be happy and content, no matter what.

It was really my emotional and spiritual transformation that made the most difference to my health. Because ultimately the tendency to neglect ourselves, put the well-being of others before our own, and stop caring for the way we look and feel is just a manifestation of poor emotional health, false beliefs and low self-esteem.

As a lightworker, I discovered my own healing abilities. I now believe that I chose my illness so I could learn the lesson of self-love and unconditional self-acceptance in this lifetime.

Whether you subscribe to that theory or not, my new beliefs actually empowered me to make the changes I needed to make, and to realign with my life goals and vision. It also inspired me to start Naaree.com - a new portal to help women rediscover and nurture their inner beauty and strength.

Dealing with my emotional issues helped me realise that I had to love myself first, before I could love another. That I had to feel good about myself, before I could treat others with kindness and compassion. And that I had to take care of my own health and well-being, before I could take care of another person.

These realisations gave me the incentive to start working out and eating a healthier diet. I lost 24 pounds, cleared up a skin condition, and can honestly say that I look and feel many years younger than I am today.

Through holistic methods of healing, I put my lupus almost completely into remission. I avoid negative influences (TV, news, gossip, pessimists, complainers) and choose to associate myself only with positive people and influences.

I invested in better clothes, manicures and pedicures, waxes, massages, good makeup and cosmetics. I even took a course in image and grooming, and learned to feel like a million bucks.

I never wait for a man to ask me out. Instead, I take myself out often and treat myself to dinner and a movie. I no longer feel guilty about letting my retired parents take over most of my childcare duties because I’d rather spend quality time with my daughter than be preoccupied with work when she’s around.

I no longer think it selfish to take time out for myself, doing things that nurture my spirit. I know now that these are not luxuries, but essentials. And that by doing them, I’m enhancing my ability to give of myself to others.

I realised that simply becoming aware of my issues was not enough. Positive action is essential on the road to recovery. Because every time you take action, even make a tiny effort to nurture yourself, you are telling your subconscious mind that you are worth the effort. And that, in turn, will enhance your self-esteem.

It took a life-threatening condition to make me see the light. To realise that I’m worth taking care of, that I deserve to love and care for myself. Don’t let that happen to you. Especially if you’re a new mother. If nothing else, at least do it for your child’s sake.

And if you’re in a new relationship, or looking to get into a relationship, here’s one last reason why you need to start believing that you’re an amazing, gorgeous creature, and that you’re so totally worth the time, effort (and money, if necessary) it takes to look and feel your best.

The reason is that it will help you attract and keep a great guy. One with high self-esteem, who treats you like the goddess you are. Remember that men are visual creatures. And even if you’ve been married for decades, making the effort to look good for your man will send him the message that you think he’s worth looking good for - and that’ll improve your marriage too.

Please don’t say that you’re too busy and have no time. Those are just excuses. We always make time for the things we truly believe in and really want to do. So all you have to do is start believing that you NEED to do these things for yourself.

Because, to paraphrase the (cliched, but true) advertising slogan, “Baby, you’re SO worth it!”

Recommended Reading:

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child
I’ve recommended this powerful book by Margaret Paul many times. It greatly helped me heal my emotional and self-esteem issues and helped me make choices that nurture and heal me.

Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You
This tiny, yet powerful book by Daphne Rose Kingma will help you get in touch with your own needs and reasons for loving and nurturing yourself.

The Girl’s Guide to Loving Yourself: A Book About Falling in Love With the One Person Who Matters Most..You
Am planning to order this book soon, since it talks about a lot of the stuff I discussed in this post. According to the review, the book “offers that extra boost of self-esteem you need to walk into a crowded room feeling confident, and to stand in front of a bedroom mirror feeling satisfied. It is the perfect mixture of wisdom, guidance, inspiration, and laughter you need to fall head over heels in love with the one person who matters most… you.” Cute!

Loving Yourself More: 101 Meditations for Women
I have my own set of spiritual practices and meditations to help me affirm my worth, but if you’re looking for some advice on this, you might find it here.

The Lightworker’s Way: Awakening Your Spiritual Power to Know and Heal
I am currently reading and enjoying this book by Doreen Virtue so much that I find it hard to put down. A wonderful account a lightworker’s journey to discovering her powers to heal herself and others. If you’re into spirituality or healing, it’s definitely worth reading.

The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing
Beautiful book by Deepak Chopra shows you how to experience unconditional love for yourself and others.

Popularity: 55% [?]

One of the reasons women end up ruining a beautiful relationship is that they are desperate for a commitment or a proposal from their man.

But believing that marriage is going to make you happy is like a thirsty man running towards a mirage in a desert. It’s a false belief that will quickly evaporate once you reach your destination.

After my last post, “Are You Marriage Material?“, I came across a great bit of advice on marriage and relationships by a guy called Dr. Neder, author of “Being A Man In A Woman’s World.”

I so totally agreed with the points he made that I thought all women should read them. Dr. Neder explains exactly why your flawed thinking about marriage is keeping you from the happiness you deserve.

First of all, marriage isn’t a “relationship”, it’s a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together, dating exclusively, dating non-exclusively, triads, quadrads, those with kids, those without kids, those with pets, etc., etc., etc. There are literally thousands of different relationship formats out there. None is more “valid” than any other.

Second of all, being married doesn’t give you any more security than not being married. He can leave you just as well as he can now.

Third of all, men and women view marriage as very different things. Women see marriage as security (false, as I’ve already explained), future, family, status, and many other things. Men on the other hand see marriage as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, having a business partner to share in all of their decisions, and many other negative things. With this understanding, it’s a wonder that any man gets married in the first place!

Fourth of all, if being married is so gosh-darn important to you, what are you waiting for? I’d bet you can find someone in the next 30 days that would marry you if you just ask enough people. Then, you’d finally be happy, right? Everything would be just fine because you’re married and you wouldn’t have to go through all of this, right? Of course not. Marriage has little to do with happiness. Trust me on this.

Fifth of all, consider that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce. Of the 1/2 that survive, how many of them do you think that the people in them report as being “happy”? Do you think it’s 90%? Do you think it’s 75%? Nope: only 30% of married partners claim that they’re “happy” inside the marriage! That means that 15% of all marriages are happy. Those aren’t very good odds!

I’m not trying to paint a bleak picture here of marriage for you, but I’m trying to help you change your focus. Marriage isn’t the goal - having a good, solid, happy relationship; where all people involved (even your kids) should be the goal. Whatever form that relationship takes to make it this way is the one you really want, right? Frankly, if you’re that focused on the marriage and are willing to give up all the other things that are so important, as I’ve already said, you’re really missing the boat here.

FACT: If you’re miserable when single, you’ll be miserable when married. As long as you keep believing that you need another person to “complete” you, you will be chasing a mirage of happiness, and end up disappointed every time.

In fact, the easiest way to drive away a man is to make him responsible for your happiness. If your happiness comes with a price tag (I would be happy if only he did this or that) he’s not going to stick around for long. And he’ll be right to leave, because no one needs that kind of pressure.

Understand that happiness is a choice, and your happiness depends on only one person - YOU. All misery is the result of either living in the past or worrying about the future. By worrying about the future of your relationship, you are ruining a perfectly good present.

When you learn to live in the moment, you will be free to enjoy your partner’s company and appreciate what he contributes to your life. Not 2, 3 or 5 years from today, but now, in this very minute.

Our limiting beliefs about marriage (that if he doesn’t propose in 2 to 3 years it’s time to call it off) are what prevent many women from staying in what would otherwise be happy, fulfilling relationships. But who makes these rules? And where do these beliefs come from? Family, parents, society, conditioning.

To be truly happy and content is to be free of these limiting beliefs that govern our lives. When we stop judging, compartmentalising and labelling our relationships according to the dictates of culture and society, when we learn to take life as it comes, we’ll be able to see our partners for who they truly are - fellow travellers on a journey called life.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Ideally, this should have been the first article in the series of stupid mistakes women make in relationships, but it took me a while to get my thoughts together, partly because it’s a very complex issue, and partly because it hits very close to home.

As someone who suffered physical abuse in childhood (that comprised beatings inflicted on me and my siblings by a maid servant), I guess I can write about this topic with some degree of sensitivity.

What spurred me to actually start writing this was being interviewed for an article on domestic abuse by Ryzer Pallavi Bhattacharya, and the fact that the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 comes into effect in India from tomorrow.

I think this is an historic act for Indian women, because it also includes punishment for sexual abuse of children. As per the new act, men found guilty of abuse of a wife or a live-in-partner or a child can be jailed for a year or fined heavily, apart from beind booked under different sections of Indian Penal Code.

It allows victims of abuse to seek legal action for any of the following:

Physical violence: Beating, pushing, shoving, causing bodily pain.

Sexual violence: Forced sexual intercourse, forced to look at pornography, child sexual abuse.

Verbal and emotional abuse: Insults, name calling, insults for not having a male child, preventing from taking a job, forcing you a marry a particular person, forcing you to get married when you don’t want to get married, threat to commit suicide and preventing you from meeting any person.

Economic offences: Not providing money for your and children’s maintenance, not providing food, cloth and medicines, stopping or disturbing from carrying your employment, not allowing you to use your salary, forcing you to live in a house, not paying rent and forcing you out of the house.

If screaming and yelling classifies as verbally abusing your spouse, I think most people in relationships could claim to have been in abusive situations. While a single incident does not necessarily make a relationship abusive, I’d draw the line at staying in a relationship that featured one or more of these patterns on a regular basis.

But, for some of the more damaging forms of abuse (child sexual abuse, rape, physical violence), a single incident is sufficient warning of dysfunctional or abusive tendencies, and should be taken very seriously.

Pallavi asked me (and other women’s activists) some basic questions regarding abuse, and I reproduce some of her questions and my own take on this issue here.

What is an abusive relationship?

An abusive relationship is any relationship that threatens your well-being and/or violates your boundaries, either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

Physical abuse includes hitting, beating, torture and rape.

Sexual abuse should also include forcing one’s partner to perform acts they are uncomfortable with.

Mental abuse includes manipulating people into doing things they are not comfortable with, or attempting to convince a person that they are crazy (when it is really the abuser who is the crazy one).

Emotional abuse is an attempt to destroy another person’s self-esteem and keep them dependent on the abuser, e.g. convincing a person they are no good, that they cannot do without the abuser, that no one else will want them, that they are unattractive and stupid.

Spiritual abuse often goes unnoticed because it is very subtle. It is usually an attack on the person’s beliefs, telling them that what they believe is wrong, and trying to coerce them to change the way they think or feel, even when they are unwilling to do so. Forcing a person to convert to another religion would classify as spiritual abuse.

What causes spouse abuse? Why do spouses stay in an abusive relationship?

Here’s my take on this. On the psychological level, abuse is about power and control. Abusers are usually people who have been abused or have grown up in a dysfunctional home.

Their tendency to abuse or control is based on a feeling of being powerless to prevent situations or acts that they had to endure as children. Abusing or controlling another person is a way of regaining the power they had lost as children.

Because the abusive relationship is the only pattern of “love” they are familiar with, people who have been abused, neglected or abandoned in childhood choose to get into and remain in abusive relationships in adulthood, because the pattern feels familiar and therefore, “safe”.

The exception, of course, is an arranged marriage (popular in many countries, including India), especially one where the abuse is based on dowry demands. Here the abused woman is usually not aware of the abusive tendencies of her spouse (and his family) when she opts to get married.

Not all chidren who have been abused or lived in dysfunctional homes become abusers when they grow up. Some enter into codependent relationships that involve excessive giving or taking. The lucky ones are able to deal with their pain in a healthy manner and go on to have healthy relationships.

A lot of Indian marriages are codependent relationships, with men, in general, being takers (on the narsicisstic side of the codependent spectrum). I blame this more on the fact that the boy child is still valued more (and hence treated far better) than the girl child in India, and the sexes have well-defined roles in traditional Indian marriages.

There are exceptions, of course, where the woman is the taker. But, the fact remains that most women choose to remain in abusive relationships because they have low self-esteem and have nowhere else to go.

If you, as a grown woman, make that choice, you are just as guilty of tolerating abuse as your abuser is of meting it out. Ultimately it boils down to whether you’re willing to take responsibility for yourself and your own well-being.

Why children are NOT a reason to stay in an abusive relationship:

If you’ve decided to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of your children, here are a couple of facts you should consider very seriously.

- It’s much better for a child to have one happy parent than two unhappy ones. That’s a fact, not an opinion!

- Children who see their parents tolerate abuse are learning that it’s ok to accept or inflict abuse.

By choosing to stay in an abusive relationship, you not only become a bad role model for your kids, but are creating an unhealthy model for relationships in their young minds, making them more likely to become abusers or victims of abuse themselves.

I have seen, from personal experience, that children of women who chose to stay in abusive relationships are often more angry with their mother for not getting out of the relationship than they are with the abusive father.

Your children will lose respect for you and blame you for the anguish they had to go through, because YOU HAD A CHOICE AND THEY DIDN’T.

What should you do if you’re in an abusive relationship?

Get out now! Realize that you have a choice. You do NOT have to remain in an abusive relationship. Remove yourself from the abusive situation immediately.

Get help. There are many organisations and people willing to help women who are abused. Ask them about your rights and your legal course of action. You’ll find a list of organisations to contact here.

Spend time getting in touch with yourself and your own needs. Get clear on what you really want to do with your life. Find a purpose in your life and follow your dreams. It will help you re-build your self-esteem and become independent.

Learn to understand and deal with your own codependent tendencies. Stop thinking that another person can make you feel happy or secure or fulfilled. You are the only one who can make you feel that way. Cultivate independence and you’ll attract healthy partners and relationships.

Believe in yourself. Know that you do not need anyone but yourself to take care of your needs. Have faith in your ability to do that. When you learn take care of your own needs, you’ll never have to settle for being in an abusive situation again.

Recommended Reading:

Emotionally Abused Women

Marriage and family therapist, Beverly Engel, discusses the emotional abuse of women, how to stand up to an abusive partner, get out of an abusive relationship, and even deal with emotional abuse in the workplace.

Beverly Engel’s Books on Abusive Relationships

Beverly is the best selling author of eighteen self-help books. She is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience and is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of abuse, women’s issues, relationships, and sexuality.

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Although I’ve spent a lot of time working on my codependent tendencies, this excellent book, which I’m currently reading, made me painfully aware of how these patterns were reinforced by my abusive childhood and my parents’ dysfunctional marriage. Armed with that knowledge, I now feel more empowered to understand and change my own patterns. I highly recommend it if you find that you have a tendency to attract needy partners or give far more than you get in relationships.

Codependence: Painful Adult Behaviors Learned in Childhood

An excellent article that explores the origins of codependence, and why women are more prone to codependent behaviour.

Popularity: 30% [?]

A lot of women (and men), myself included, have a very hard time letting go of a relationship that’s not meant to be.

We hold on to the illusion that this person is the One for us, and that if we don’t have him or her, we’ll never find somebody new.

Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that all men are jerks or all women are bitches.

If you’ve just got out of a relationship and are harbouring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again.

Anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship. When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives €œ our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships we’ve had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

· Radical Personal Responsibility: Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

· Self-Awareness: Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

· Acceptance: Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didn’t work because it was not your highest and best.

· Forgiveness: Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

· Gratitude: Be grateful that you’re out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons you’ve learned from your partner.

· Compassion: Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and you’ll become less judgmental.

· Detachment: Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

· Independence: Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

· Optimism: Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. It was my optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, that helped me bounce back from tragedy. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It’s been over a year since my husband passed away and I’ve spent the better part of the last year dealing with my own pain and grief. I realised that until I took responsibility for my own feelings, I was never going to be able to have a healthy partnership with a man.

It took a lot of tears, hard work, introspection, and spiritual practice to break the chains of the past. What made it harder was that I chose to do it on my own, instead of taking help.

But it was worth every moment! And the feeling of freedom and contentment that I experienced was just awesome.

Getting rid of my anger and hurt helped me stop blaming others for my pain, and allowed me to see men as they really are €œ wonderful, sensitive human beings who have the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as women.

It also allowed me to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships. I’m in no hurry to start dating again, but I know that I have the maturity to separate my own issues from those that arise in a relationship between two people.

I’ve also learned that if something is not working, it’s probably not meant to be. You can’t force someone to love you, just as you can’t force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and the myths propagated by sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If you’re in pain, what you’re experiencing is not love, but attachment or codependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

It’s best to let go of a relationship that’s causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life. Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

Here’s a list of some books that helped me in my own quest to let go of the past.

Recommended Reading:

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One
This book by relationship expert, John Gray, probably helped me more than any other book I read in the last year. It has practical exercises for working out your anger, pain and resentment. I credit these exercises with helping me clear my old baggage and get free.

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child
This amazing book by Margaret Paul helped me identify my own patterns of codependence and learn to meet my emotional needs without turning to another person. Get it if you have emotional dependence issues.

It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy
Extremely funny and enjoyable, this book is a hilarious look at break-ups and shows you how to deal with your break-up in a healthy and dignified (read, non-psychotic) manner.

He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
If you’re in denial about whether the man in your life is really the One, you gotta read this funny take on the sorry excuses men make to avoid telling you the truth €œ that they’d much rather be somewhere else than with you.

Popularity: 57% [?]

Some of my men friends have told me about women who use sex to extract something they want from their men. The rewards are usually in the form of jewellery, luxuries, attention, affection, or a wedding ring.

The men I spoke to described these women in less than complimentary terms. As a woman, I think that using sex to manipulate a man is a very bad idea. I mean, why use sex?

If you want to administer cruel and unusual punishment, just hide the remote control when the World Cup is on, and watch him squirm. That could even be considered torture under the Geneva Convention.

As a woman, I enjoy sex too much to ever think of using it to manipulate someone. I still choose, in this age of instant gratification, to believe that sex is sacred. That its sole purpose should be mutual pleasure and enjoyment. And, of course, making babies.

While I don’t claim to comprehend the reasons why women use sex as a weapon, I suspect it has something to do with power.

Even as little kids, boys always had the upper hand in terms of physical power. In societies like India, where girls are valued less than boys, men also have the upper hand psychologically.

For women who grew up in families where they had no power, the only way they could command respect from a man was by depriving him of the one thing he craved most.

You might call it Nature’s way of correcting the imbalance. Yes, it’s not fair. But who said life was fair?

Of course, if you’re the kind of woman who doesn’t play fair, you must also be prepared for the consequences. That means losing your power and being dumped as soon as your man finds a way to get his needs met elsewhere.

No self-respecting male would tolerate a woman who manipulates and controls him for something that is so cheaply available on any dating website.

When you use your sexual power to manipulate a man, be prepared to have it backfire sooner or later.

Men Are At Fault Too

You men (yeah, you there with the big grin) don’t deserve to be let off the hook so lightly. Not all women use sex as a weapon, y’know?

Women love sex just as much, if not more, than men. But there’s a significant difference in the way men and women experience intimacy.

Men need to be sexually intimate before they can open up to emotional intimacy with a woman. Most women, on the other hand, require emotional intimacy before they can fully open themselves up to sexual intimacy.

Don Juan understood this fact - and he was never short of willing partners.

There are many reasons why your woman might lose her desire for you, or just refuse to have sex with you altogether.

Usually it has to do with the way you’ve been treating her. In other words, if you ain’t makin’ nice, she ain’t puttin’ out.

Yeah, we all know how charming you can be when you’re trying to get lucky. But it’s how you behave AFTER the deed that really gives you away.

THE SUREST WAYS TO KILL A GOOD WOMAN’S DESIRE FOR YOU:

• Be mean, hurtful, rude, insulting, abusive, neglectful, disrespectful or critical
• Don’t be willing to meet her emotional needs
• Don’t be being a sensitive, caring lover
• Don’t ever show her that you value her as a person
• Don’t ever let her know that she’s special to you
• Don’t bother spending time with her outside the bedroom
• Totally destroy her trust in you
• ‘Take’ too much in the relationship
• Make her compete with other women for your time and affection

No self-respecting woman would give herself to a man who doesn’t treat her well. It’s only the codependent, manipulative types, and those with low self-esteem, who will have sex with you to please you, or to get something they want from you.

So if all you want is to get laid, go ahead. But don’t complain that you feel used, or that good women want nothing to do with you.

If you insist on travelling light, be willing to settle for less. In love, as in life, you only get back what you’re willing to put into it.

If men need to understand that they have to treat their woman well to enjoy their favourite sport, women also need to understand that sex is one way to get close to the men they love (and a very enjoyable way, at that).

So stop using it as a weapon, girls. The only perversions in sex are its use for purposes other than for pleasure and intimacy, wrote George Weinberg, Ph.D, in his book, Why Men Won’t Commit. And that, ladies, is the honest truth!

Popularity: 43% [?]

Continuing with my series on the Stupid Mistakes Women Make In Relationships, one issue I feel very strongly about is that women should be completely independent of their man.

Healthy, secure men are more attracted to independent, confident women. If you’re looking for a healthy relationship with a mature, confident man, you’d better be able to take care of your own needs.

Only insecure men like a woman who’s clingy and dependent, and that’s not the sort of man you want to attract. If you’re comfortable being the “damsel in distress” looking for a man to “rescue” you, you’d also better get comfortable with being the doormat or the “discard”, when he trades you in for another model.

Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem, and gives you the confidence to walk away from a bad or abusive relationship. There are five main forms of independence worth discussing here:

1. Physical Independence:

This includes the ability to take care of your own physical needs. Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying bills are things you should be able to manage, even if you live with someone else.

I’ve seen a lot of co-dependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your needs?

If you’re a codependent, you need to start taking responsibility for your health and your own physical needs. As a burden to your family or spouse, you’re always vulnerable to abuse.

2. Sexual Independence:

Learning to pleasure yourself without needing another man (or woman) to do it for you can be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. If you can learn to pleasure yourself and fulfil your own sexual needs, you’ll never have to settle for a relationship that doesn’t serve you.

Because of conditioning by family and society, too many Indian women are sexually repressed and not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. Sexual repression and false beliefs about sex and our own bodies often lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.

For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.

Fortunately, things are changing even in India, and the younger generation seem to be more comfortable with their sexuality. Sometimes it leads to sexual excesses, which again are not good for healthy self-esteem, but I guess it comes with the territory.

3. Financial Independence:

A lot of women still look to a man as a provider and a source of security. Marriage proposals show this tendency very clearly. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who does’nt.

If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate any crap he gives you. Relationships built on a foundation of need are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.

I personally believe that, unless she is taking care of kids and home (which is a job in itself) no woman should be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should the man walk out of the relationship.

Being financially independent not only enhances your own self-worth, but gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespectful or abusive behaviour if you know you can fend for yourself.

4. Emotional Independence:

This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you act clingy, you’ll attract insecure men who are more likely to abuse you when things get rough.

Being clingy and dependent on a man for your emotional needs will not only promote abuse, it will also drive away a great many good men looking for a strong, independent woman.

If you’re having trouble understanding your own emotions and needs, I recommend you read Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul.

5. Spiritual Independence:

This includes the courage to think for yourself, have your own ideas, and follow the spiritual path that feels right for you.

Most healthy men respect a women who is an independent thinker. Independent thinking women are less likely to attract controlling, abusive men who try to control what you think, read or believe in.

Becoming independent in all these ways gives you the freedom to enter into a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on your own terms.

Recommended Reading:

I’ve included some resources here that have helped me understand the issues of codependence in relationships.

Codependence: Painful Adult Behaviors Learned in Childhood

An excellent article that explores the origins of codependence, and why women are more prone to codependent behaviour.

What Men Wish Women Knew

Talks about the kinds of relationships men desire with a woman at different stages in their growth.

The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You by Barbra De Angelis

I highly recommend this book if you want to learn what it takes to stop playing manipulative games (that only attract unhealthy, manipulative men) and build healthy, authentic relationships with a good man.

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov

I didn’t like the title of this book at first, and I still think it’s misleading, because what Sherry Argov means by the word “bitch” is a confident, self-assured, independent woman who knows how to get her own needs met. There’s nothing even remotely “bitchy” about that. But I do recommend this book if you need to understand what it takes to overcome codependence, stop acting clingy and get the respect you deserve in a relationship.

Additional Reading:

Women Who Love Too Much<